Why I View My Recovery Progress as 'Building Blocks' After My Suicide Attempt Hospitalization

I write this story at 4 a.m. because I feel it needs to come out of me, no matter how vulnerable I may feel.

I am an “open book” so that I can help others and perhaps so I can free myself from my own demons.

January 3, 2022 is a day I will not forget.

I never write about suicide. It makes me uncomfortable, despite being a survivor of now four aborted attempts and having been hospitalized nearly a dozen times for depression, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), obsessive-compulsive Disorder (OCD), and anorexia nervosa.

I won’t go into the dirty details; there is no point in that. What I will share, though, is what I’ve learned.

This latest attempt and subsequent hospitalization was due to a mixed bipolar episode, complex PTSD triggers, and — most significantly in my opinion — an ongoing identity crisis at its peak.

I am queer in both my sexuality and gender. I am mentally ill. I am neurodivergent. I am recovering from trauma. And that is OK.

It is time for me to accept who I am and therefore cope more appropriately when the pain and episodes do arise.

Because bipolar is lifelong, episodes will return. Because c-PTSD is chronic, triggers will recur. Because my identity is stuck with me, I might as well learn to embrace it.

I feel as though I truly hit rock bottom on January 3rd, lying in the emergency room with an IV attached to my arm and no visitors allowed (thanks, COVID-19). I can only go up from there.

I am learning that relapses do happen, and that doesn’t mean I’m starting from square one. If anything, this attempt is a building block from which I will grow and develop into the beautiful human I already am (and am continuing to become).

If you took the time to read this, thank you. Thank you times a million.