The Mighty Logo

Why I View My Recovery Progress as 'Building Blocks' After My Suicide Attempt Hospitalization

Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

I write this story at 4 a.m. because I feel it needs to come out of me, no matter how vulnerable I may feel.

I am an “open book” so that I can help others and perhaps so I can free myself from my own demons.

January 3, 2022 is a day I will not forget.

I never write about suicide. It makes me uncomfortable, despite being a survivor of now four aborted attempts and having been hospitalized nearly a dozen times for depression, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), obsessive-compulsive Disorder (OCD), and anorexia nervosa.

I won’t go into the dirty details; there is no point in that. What I will share, though, is what I’ve learned.

This latest attempt and subsequent hospitalization was due to a mixed bipolar episode, complex PTSD triggers, and — most significantly in my opinion — an ongoing identity crisis at its peak.

I am queer in both my sexuality and gender. I am mentally ill. I am neurodivergent. I am recovering from trauma. And that is OK.

It is time for me to accept who I am and therefore cope more appropriately when the pain and episodes do arise.

Because bipolar is lifelong, episodes will return. Because c-PTSD is chronic, triggers will recur. Because my identity is stuck with me, I might as well learn to embrace it.

I feel as though I truly hit rock bottom on January 3rd, lying in the emergency room with an IV attached to my arm and no visitors allowed (thanks, COVID-19). I can only go up from there.

I am learning that relapses do happen, and that doesn’t mean I’m starting from square one. If anything, this attempt is a building block from which I will grow and develop into the beautiful human I already am (and am continuing to become).

If you took the time to read this, thank you. Thank you times a million.

Getty image by andresr.

Want more of The Mighty?
You can find even more stories on our Home page. There, you’ll also find thoughts and questions by our community.
Take Me Home