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Why These 2 Quotes Mean More to Me Since My Third Suicide Attempt

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Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

I have struggled with suicidal ideation ever since the age of 9. I vividly recall writing somewhere on paper about my suicidal thoughts and fantasies at that age. However, I never acted on any of those thoughts — that is, until about three years later.

I attempted suicide for the first time (and unfortunately, not the last time) on June 8, 2015, at the alarmingly young age of 12 years old. Then, at 14, I attempted it again on July 18, 2017, as a result of a friendship I felt I was responsible for destroying. Both attempts involved a buildup of psychological trauma, pain and suffering that eventually became too intense for me to bear any longer.

After both of my attempts, my life seemed to continue as per usual once my physical recovery was complete. I was discharged from hospital the first time with no referrals to any mental health professionals or doctors, no prescription antidepressants or anything else that could help me recover psychologically. The second time, I didn’t even go to the hospital because I managed to treat my physical state at home, but in terms of psychological interventions, I was left with nothing at the end of it.

Matters came to a head, however, when I attempted suicide for the third time, on March 16, 2020. I was forthcoming with a good friend about what I had done to myself that day, and he shared the information with my parents. They called emergency services for me to be picked up by an ambulance.

I was determined to be physically stable in hospital, but after being assessed by the emergency psychiatrists, I ended up staying in the hospital’s inpatient mental health unit for three nights. It would have likely been longer, but they were trying to expedite the process of discharging all patients so that the spread of the coronavirus (COVID-19) could be controlled and reduced.

After returning home from hospital, it took at least a few days for my parents to allow me access to the internet again. But even while I was in hospital, I knew I wanted to write a post like this to hopefully bring some comfort to others who may be struggling with mental illness and/or suicidal ideation.

I am now committing myself to working more closely and talking more openly with my support team. I wrote and emailed a very detailed document about every single symptom I experience as a result of my illness(es), which is something I have never been able to express in such depth to anyone.

After sending the document to my psychiatrist, therapist and family, as well as talking to them over the phone, it was agreed that I can begin to be weaned off my current medications (which have not been working for me at all) and try something else that might actually help to relieve my symptoms at least somewhat.

I am trying harder than I ever was before to push myself in the right direction, and to make any kind of steps toward recovery. While I was in the mental health unit, I sat on my hospital bed and, suddenly, a variety of things popped into my head. More specifically, quotes and uplifting words that two good friends of mine had sent me in the past while trying to support me through a rough moment.

One of them was a YouTube video, not even 10 seconds long, but with a very positive and uplifting quote:

“You are worth it, you’re lovely. You’re a wonderful human being, and the world is lucky to have you. Regardless of who you are, just know that.”

The second one was their own words, explaining to me about how these moments of despair and intense pain are temporary:

“Life is a constant ebb and flow, like the tides of the ocean. And sometimes life does come crashing in, it feels like it’s overtaking you. But I know with time, you’ll make it through this. You just have to decide you’re not going to give in, no matter what.”

At the time I saw these, I thought these quotes were complete bullshit (at least somewhat) because I was blinded by the demons in my head. The demons telling me I would always be hopeless, worthless and unlovable, among thousands of other foul and untrue things I would never say even to my worst enemy.

But now, these quotes mentioned above have become much more meaningful and powerful to me. I have promised to myself to try to remember them when I am having a difficult moment, and unlike before, I now have faith that I will be able to pull myself through and make it to the other side.

I will not give up, and I will not give in. I am taking back the control of my life that was stolen from me by this monstrous beast we’ve named depression. And most importantly, I will try to believe in myself. Even when I feel like it would be easier and better to just stop trying, I will continue to push forward. Because recovery is possible.

You are not alone in this battle. You are never alone. Millions of people across the globe are going through this at any given moment, but most importantly, we are all in this together.

Photo by Elia Pellegrini on Unsplash

Originally published: March 30, 2020
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