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Confessions of a Suicide Attempt Survivor

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Editor's Note

If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

I was 15 years old when I first attempted suicide. I sat in the dark with a handful of medication and downed one after the other. Abuse, rejection, depression and anxiety, all contributed and culminated in me deciding, after years of struggling, that it simply wasn’t worth it anymore.

It wasn’t worth it to wake up, only to wish all day that I wasn’t there.

It wasn’t worth it to keep fighting to feel OK, when nothing around me was. It wasn’t worth it to explain my pain to people who were committed to misunderstanding me.

The black hole I was in felt like an eternal sentence to the pits of hell and I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. There was no reassurance that life would get better. There was no belief that there was another side, that I’d ever get there or there was anything on the other end of this pain that could possibly make enduring it be worth it.

I woke up the next morning and felt nothing but crushing disappointment the moment my eyes opened and I realized I survived and was still living in the exact same darkness I was trying so hard to escape from. It wasn’t the last time I would try to leave this world, but oh how thankful I am that my life was spared.

Here’s the thing friend… I know the pain you’re feeling. I know you’re sitting in the dark, and a voice keeps whispering that you’ll never see the light of day again. I know you’ve fought harder than anyone could possibly know to feel better and it’s been so long that you are thoroughly convinced life will feel this bad forever. I know the healing almost hurts worse than the wound does and it seems so much easier to just give up. I know every day you wake up to a battlefield in your mind and you’re tired of fighting.

But as much as I know how bad life can hurt, I know how beautiful it can be when you heal. These are the things I only know because I held on through the countless years of hell.

I know one day you’ll find the peace you’ve fought so hard for.

I know one day you’ll allow yourself to hope for something good.

I know one day your purpose will be revealed through your pain.

I know one day you’ll tell your story and it will move mountains.

I know one day you’ll be put back together and all the broken pieces will be a beautiful testament to your survival.

I know one day you’ll thrive, instead of just getting by.

I know one day, you’ll find something that gives you joy.

I know one day you’ll wake up and you won’t be disappointed… you’ll smile.

Image of a woman with the text "Confessions of a Suicide Attempt Survivor"

I know that living may seem too hard right now, but I promise you no storm lasts forever. I also know that you won’t believe me right now, so I’m going to believe for you that life gets better. I’m going to keep advocating for your life and begging you to stay, because one day it will be worth it.

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week, but it remains my daily goal to convince others to keep holding on. If someone you know is contemplating suicide, please share this message with them. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please know this world needs you and call #1-800-273-8255 to speak with someone at the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. I know it hurts, but healing is on the other side.

Getty image by ALLVISIONN

Originally published: September 3, 2020
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