When I first experienced this, it came out of no where a year after I was assaulted. It was like a volcano erupted. I was really scared of it, didn’t know what to do, and felt like I needed to get help fast. I was still running from and experiencing vivid flashbacks, dissociation, etc. I went to see a new counselor about help with the rage, but I was so LOST at the time and counselors want you to start by filling out paperwork and talking about why you came. I was triggered by all of it. I couldn’t find any answers on WHY I felt rage, & why a year later? I had no idea how to cope with it as I was always a laid back/chill person. I felt like it was me against the world. Everyone was a threat to me. People who were rude at the grocery store, anyone running their mouth at me, and whoever DARED threaten me, their lives were about to be in grave danger if they didn’t RUN. I can be triggered so severely by a direct verbal threat, that I immediately prepare to eliminate that threat and that’s ALL I see/know. I have suffered at the hands of many who had all the control where I had none.

I was able to get some answers about where the rage even came from bc I didn’t understand it. Janina Fisher’s book on Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, and her newest workbook Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma …. Janina is an EXPERT on trauma, you know it just listening to how she explains origins of symptoms that transform into lifelong suffering. There were a lot of things I never understood about myself, so reading her books and watching her YouTube videos really helped me when I had NO ONE to talk to who understood.

Rage is …. An understandable and NORMAL reaction to a traumatic situation you faced where someone hurt you, targeted you …. on purpose. That person made you feel fear, uncertainty about your future, threatened you in some way….. and if you have experienced this repeatedly in childhood and in several instances in adulthood like I have, rage may be something you struggle with to control. Sometimes you can’t and the other person who threatened you really doesn’t realize just how close they came to being in a life-threatening situation. A few times I was SECONDS away from going after someone who provoked, threatened, or wanted to see how much they could “push” before I lost my damn mind. I know what it’s like, and long after the emotions/adrenaline/and shakiness calm down and you FINALLY are able to THINK straight again …. You realize that you were about to really hurt someone and what the costs of that might have been. How close you came. It’s like you were a different person, and now you’re thinking this is some 911 shit. Like, I need help NOW or I’m really going to take someone out. This is not like me, I don’t like it, it scares me (when I can think straight), & I have this URGENT need to get RID of it NOW. I wish it was that easy.

I wonder - how many people have felt this same way? I don’t trust ANYone, don’t talk to people, don’t have a counselor, dont like groups ….. so I really don’t know if anyone has felt the same. #Rage #Fear #Trust #Anxiety #Grief #tsunami depression