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    When two Borderlines collide

    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Relationships #Emotionalregulation #Rage #Mindfulness

    A while ago in January, through a sequence of unusual happenings it seemed that the universe had perfectly aligned me with THE missing puzzle piece of my life. I was diagnosed 3 years ago at the age of 36, and since then have done extensive research, therapy and other self work techniques so that by knowing and understanding more I would have greater self awareness when it comes to me, my BPD and my interactions with the world. Right, back to the puzzle piece... I'm a member on a what's app group for a night club, someone posted a link to one of his mixes on Mixcloud, so I clicked, and loved what I heard and left a comment. A few days later this guy had figured out where he would find the author of a very erudite and perceptive and knowledgeable comment, he wanted to thank me and tracked me down on the E.S.P. Group. And as it so happened we found our common ground and started chatting daily and incessantly about everything. And as a borderline I'm thinking this is it, my life's at its lowest low, I'm lonely, I've got nothing to lose and I give in and fall for this guy, a DJ, isn't it every girls dream to be with a DJ? What was strange that I now only realise with hindsight was that as enamored as I was with him, he was giving it right back to me. There wasn't any fear that he might not reply, that I'd say the wrong thing... It felt so perfect that I packed my car and drove to the other side of my country because we had decided we had to be together.
    At first it was like "Oh it's you, I know you." There was no initial feeling of insecurity, wariness, or even apprehension. This was us, together, and it was a perfect sync. Until slowly little things turned into issues from his side, and were always generally expressed in anger directed towards me. It was something I had done, or not done, or it was my fault that some untoward event happened. And we'd ride these cyclical waves of me being criticised because I had displeased him to an argument where I was inevitably apologising as I always do to avoid an abandonment and back to semi normal amd we'd both idealise each other again. Now knowing what I know about being borderline and how it plays out am at an advantage in this situation... I began to notice a pattern of this kind of "triggered anger storm" directed towards me by devaluation,
    having to continually defend myself from false accusations, to being the peacekeeper and making sure nothing fell apart, until he'd eventually say "I'm.sorry, but..." As time has gone by the rage attacks have increased in intensity and frequency. I understand now that I'm dealing with another borderline but this is an undiagnosed borderline. So I'm losing my battle to help him see the pattern in his behaviours. As he's opened up to me it's allowing me to make more and more sense of it, the one minute we're going to get married the next minute it's over and he "doesn't have time for me to make up my mind, I'm perfectly happy being single"
    I suppose the reason for my post is that I feel I'm the stable rational logical one experiencing his chaos, yet at the same time questioning my own thoughts and feelings. I just know that I'm not strong enough in any way to keep being the punching bag. Patient I have been with him, understanding and supportive too. But I'm desperately confused because I don't know where the boundaries are, where do I draw the line. When I point out things to him he just laughs and blames my BPD which he knew about before I arrived in this situation. It's a tragedy because he holds the key to my heart in the music (I wanted to study sound engineering, and i can play classical piano, and absolutely love electronic dance music) I want to learn from him and he wants to teach me, (he's even booked me to mix at an event that's coming up), and sometimes we have really deep moments together. But where do I end and where does he begin?
    I see all the symptoms, I've experienced the idealisation and devaluation, the bouts of rage, the splitting...... but I feel that it's him in his unawareness of self mind state that is the source of all the drama. The only thing I feel I'm guilty for is not ending it because I can't bear to be alone again. Or perhaps I'm deceiving myself.
    Does anyone have any comments or questions or suggestions which might help me sort through my mind. Because my emotions or reactions are not disproportionate to the his insane reactions to his triggers......so I don't believe they're a problem except getting defensive and fear of abandonment. Thank you for reading.

    1 reaction

    Anger Problems

    I get very angry because I am frustrated at my own decisions. I beat myself up about the friends I kept and how they took advantage of me. I don't know why I am so angry when my mum is just trying to help. I think it's more to do with the fact I don't want these problems and I should never have to deal with them in the first place.

    I kept bad company in my late teens and was getting into a lot of trouble. I need to remind myself that none of the decisions I made are my mothers fault - I need to start taking ownership of my own life. I was involved with the wrong crowd and I have to accept that nothing positive comes from that type of existence. I know it is difficult to come to terms with and I am deeply sorry for my decisions.

    I want to stop getting angry at my mother and stop blaming her for all the negative events that were inevitably going to occur. I was not cut out for that life and my parents were trying to warn me before anything happened to me. Luckily I managed to survive without any major life changing events but I am left with the mental trauma that I am not equipped to deal with.

    I need to stop getting angry and start living life on my terms. My time on this planet is not perfect and the decisions I make merely reflect an imperfect life.

    #PTSD #anger #Depression #Sadness #Drugs #Addiction #Guilt #Friends #association #nobody #empty #assualt #Trauma #Pain #hurt #betrayal #lies #Truth #hate #End #time #Life #Happiness #dreams #Love #Positivity #Support #Love #Rage #control

    9 reactions 3 comments

    Mad as hell and can't take it anymore

    I'm not sure how to begin. This is the worst time of year (Thanksgiving until February) and struggle the most with my demons (friends/family deaths, suicide anniversaries, birthdays of deceased family, shortened daylight to name the top ones). Last year around the same time, I noticed I started yelling and lashing out more, a lot more and more severe. Then the dogs started hiding from me. Then noticed I was breaking things and destroying relationships. Then my neighbors started asking questions. Then I called the doctors.

    Not sure what to do next. This all seemed to sneak up on me. Not sure if being quarantined or the seclusion or disruption in working remote now and hardly leaving the house, if its the holidays in general. The psychiatrist added Lamotrigine and recently increased the dosage to 200 x2 daily), so hopefully that helps. I've tried so many anti-depressants (most had horrible side effects for me), bupropion has worked the best/ longest but I am already at the highest dose.

    I am so tired of trying to repair relationships, fix something I broke, coax the dogs back to the same room as me; I'm just so tired of living this way. I am tired of being angry and raging.

    And yes, I know the reference used in the title.

    #anger #Depression #Anxiety #Rage #

    22 reactions 9 comments

    Pictures needed - tell me what you see...

    #Anxiety #Selfharm #suicidal #done #Depression #Cutting #Dope #Drugs #pivitolpictures #Rage #MentalHealth #coping

    I think we see pictures in our minds that make us accept where we are at and make it so that we do not do further damage.The Mentally Healthy are different, they keep their head up in bad seas and position themselves for the the waves to come. They foresee when a life event is shaping up to be something that can negatively impact their world. Then they use their intuition and lessons from a lifetime of lessons from infancy and personal experience to guard and protect their minds.

    We don't do that. The situation hits us and we don't know what to do. So flight fight kicks in and here we go on a ride that won't end well.

    We drop our heads and look at our feet and react from that defeated place. Eventually we calm down and move on, but I don't want it to last so long. I don't like losing my mind over something I have no control over.

    I for one, don't have a picture of how I can be both in bad seas and have my head up planning a way out, so I am reaching out.

    I know that a lot of us practice self harm to cope. At some point there is a picture that you are able to accept that lets you accept your lot in this life, mutilated body parts actively bleeding and all. Thats real life for some of us and I think there is a picture that comes up at the end of an episode that lets them move on.

    You don't have to be as messed up as we are to weigh in. If you get it, show us the way of early catastrophe management.

    I don't think that this turning point picture I am imagining makes one happy or anything like that, but it's a picture that is enough that we don't make things worse.

    If I don't have a picture then I feel very exposed, unprotected, weak, and hide all that behind explosive anger. Righteous, but unbound. I regret my last episode. It was pure RAGE and while it was justified, it was not smart & I hate that feeling. Life got me, I just flew off the handle. Smart people don't do that. Mentally healthy people react in a way that suits the situation without making things worse. I want that and, as of today, I think it starts with the picture.

    I want options. In this last event I saw what i have seen for years, a blank canvas. I am scared and don't know where to go with that so I came out swinging. Well, life swings back and I am not the best fighter if I am being totally honest. So here I type, literally searching the minds of the web for insight to create this picture my mind is seemingly incapable of making to date.

    You can not show this shit to FaceBook - So here I am asking my fellow MENTAL HEALTH patients for a word picture or an image of what you see when you are in a bad way and your mind finally comes through for you.


    PS - I would love if it if you read this and did not know what picture helped you transition from the bad space to the next level up. It's there for at least some of us so share your story of you have to go back there and figure it out. Even if it takes weeks it's worth the journey.


    Just Want To Vent

    Just need to vent because every thing makes me so freaking angry!! Even the littlest things! I know it's my anxiety, but I literally can not take it!! It makes me furious and I want to break things and scream!!!

    Example: I called my phsychiatrist this morning to reschedule an appt because it's a video visit and I don't like video visits. I like to go in person. They were rude as hell and are charging me $55 for rescheduling. Now I can't get in until October 31st! Hope I have enough meds until then!
    I mean, really???!!!!! $55 f'ing dollars?!!!

    I swear I'm so close to just saying F it and stop taking all these damn pills and be done with it all!!!

    Just pisses me off to no end!! I can't take it!

    Ok I'm done.....I guess. 🤬🤬🤬
    #Anxiety #Depression #Rage #meds #PTSD #Doctors #anger #SuicideSurvivor #Overit


    Looked up my abusive ex

    It’s been 22 years since I left the man who raped and abused me. I used to look him up yearly to make sure he wasn’t living too close to me. After more than a decade, I looked him up again. Probably because in trauma therapy recently I realized that the night he took my virginity it was actually #Rape . Completely unwanted and he knew it.

    Once I saw him, rage filled me and I don’t know what to do with it. My regular therapist and trauma therapist are unavailable for two more weeks. I am beyond angry. But I’m having to stuff the rage down so I don’t go off on my family or hurt myself.

    I’ve done one writing assignment. I’m have limited mobility due to pain and can’t exercise it off. Other ideas? TIA. 💕 #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicPain #anger #Rage


    - Rage -

    A violent storm is brewing
    A breeze runs through the trees
    But it does not cool me
    Thunder booms loudly
    I cannot hear my thoughts clearly
    A blot of lighting cracks across the sky
    Dark vengeful clouds gather above me
    Rain beings to fall
    At first steadily
    But it's coming down faster and harder
    With every step I take
    I need to find shelter
    I am still so very far from home
    Lost in the squall
    Until it passes
    And blue skies return

    #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression #Rage #bipolarrage


    Stressed and not up for celebrating

    It's almost my birthday, but I don't feel like celebrating. These last six weeks have been a series of stressors and now I'm just maxed out. I'm feeling perpetually overwhelmed, anxious, lonely and full of rage. Then I feel bad for even having those feelings, like I'm ungrateful or something. (It’s so fun judging your own feelings 🥺) Some good stuff is happening next week, but it's wrapped in a heavy blanket of stress. I've cried everyday for the last six days....ugh. #Anxiety #Overwhelm #Rage

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    What do you do if you’re feeling abandoned or rejected?

    Here’s what helps Lil_L (who’s 41) and lives with BPD:

    “Isolate or seek company depending on which characteristic is in full force. If I’m raging, I know I’m unreasonable and defensively ready to attack — so to avoid damaging relationships, I isolate. When I’m feeling abandoned or rejected — and am ready to engage with destructive behaviour —  I look for distraction.”

    👏 Big thanks to Lil_L for being one of the many Mighties to tell us What Helps You. There are many more great tips and resources provided by our fellow members ahead. Follow along at #WhatHelpsYou

    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Rage #Loneliness #CheckInWithMe