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    Mad as hell and can't take it anymore

    I'm not sure how to begin. This is the worst time of year (Thanksgiving until February) and struggle the most with my demons (friends/family deaths, suicide anniversaries, birthdays of deceased family, shortened daylight to name the top ones). Last year around the same time, I noticed I started yelling and lashing out more, a lot more and more severe. Then the dogs started hiding from me. Then noticed I was breaking things and destroying relationships. Then my neighbors started asking questions. Then I called the doctors.

    Not sure what to do next. This all seemed to sneak up on me. Not sure if being quarantined or the seclusion or disruption in working remote now and hardly leaving the house, if its the holidays in general. The psychiatrist added Lamotrigine and recently increased the dosage to 200 x2 daily), so hopefully that helps. I've tried so many anti-depressants (most had horrible side effects for me), bupropion has worked the best/ longest but I am already at the highest dose.

    I am so tired of trying to repair relationships, fix something I broke, coax the dogs back to the same room as me; I'm just so tired of living this way. I am tired of being angry and raging.

    And yes, I know the reference used in the title.

    #anger #Depression #Anxiety #Rage #


    Pictures needed - tell me what you see...

    #Anxiety #Selfharm #suicidal #done #Depression #Cutting #Dope #Drugs #pivitolpictures #Rage #MentalHealth #coping

    I think we see pictures in our minds that make us accept where we are at and make it so that we do not do further damage.The Mentally Healthy are different, they keep their head up in bad seas and position themselves for the the waves to come. They foresee when a life event is shaping up to be something that can negatively impact their world. Then they use their intuition and lessons from a lifetime of lessons from infancy and personal experience to guard and protect their minds.

    We don't do that. The situation hits us and we don't know what to do. So flight fight kicks in and here we go on a ride that won't end well.

    We drop our heads and look at our feet and react from that defeated place. Eventually we calm down and move on, but I don't want it to last so long. I don't like losing my mind over something I have no control over.

    I for one, don't have a picture of how I can be both in bad seas and have my head up planning a way out, so I am reaching out.

    I know that a lot of us practice self harm to cope. At some point there is a picture that you are able to accept that lets you accept your lot in this life, mutilated body parts actively bleeding and all. Thats real life for some of us and I think there is a picture that comes up at the end of an episode that lets them move on.

    You don't have to be as messed up as we are to weigh in. If you get it, show us the way of early catastrophe management.

    I don't think that this turning point picture I am imagining makes one happy or anything like that, but it's a picture that is enough that we don't make things worse.

    If I don't have a picture then I feel very exposed, unprotected, weak, and hide all that behind explosive anger. Righteous, but unbound. I regret my last episode. It was pure RAGE and while it was justified, it was not smart & I hate that feeling. Life got me, I just flew off the handle. Smart people don't do that. Mentally healthy people react in a way that suits the situation without making things worse. I want that and, as of today, I think it starts with the picture.

    I want options. In this last event I saw what i have seen for years, a blank canvas. I am scared and don't know where to go with that so I came out swinging. Well, life swings back and I am not the best fighter if I am being totally honest. So here I type, literally searching the minds of the web for insight to create this picture my mind is seemingly incapable of making to date.

    You can not show this shit to FaceBook - So here I am asking my fellow MENTAL HEALTH patients for a word picture or an image of what you see when you are in a bad way and your mind finally comes through for you.


    PS - I would love if it if you read this and did not know what picture helped you transition from the bad space to the next level up. It's there for at least some of us so share your story of you have to go back there and figure it out. Even if it takes weeks it's worth the journey.


    Just Want To Vent

    Just need to vent because every thing makes me so freaking angry!! Even the littlest things! I know it's my anxiety, but I literally can not take it!! It makes me furious and I want to break things and scream!!!

    Example: I called my phsychiatrist this morning to reschedule an appt because it's a video visit and I don't like video visits. I like to go in person. They were rude as hell and are charging me $55 for rescheduling. Now I can't get in until October 31st! Hope I have enough meds until then!
    I mean, really???!!!!! $55 f'ing dollars?!!!

    I swear I'm so close to just saying F it and stop taking all these damn pills and be done with it all!!!

    Just pisses me off to no end!! I can't take it!

    Ok I'm done.....I guess. 🤬🤬🤬
    #Anxiety #Depression #Rage #meds #PTSD #Doctors #anger #SuicideSurvivor #Overit


    Looked up my abusive ex

    It’s been 22 years since I left the man who raped and abused me. I used to look him up yearly to make sure he wasn’t living too close to me. After more than a decade, I looked him up again. Probably because in trauma therapy recently I realized that the night he took my virginity it was actually #Rape . Completely unwanted and he knew it.

    Once I saw him, rage filled me and I don’t know what to do with it. My regular therapist and trauma therapist are unavailable for two more weeks. I am beyond angry. But I’m having to stuff the rage down so I don’t go off on my family or hurt myself.

    I’ve done one writing assignment. I’m have limited mobility due to pain and can’t exercise it off. Other ideas? TIA. 💕 #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicPain #anger #Rage


    - Rage -

    A violent storm is brewing
    A breeze runs through the trees
    But it does not cool me
    Thunder booms loudly
    I cannot hear my thoughts clearly
    A blot of lighting cracks across the sky
    Dark vengeful clouds gather above me
    Rain beings to fall
    At first steadily
    But it's coming down faster and harder
    With every step I take
    I need to find shelter
    I am still so very far from home
    Lost in the squall
    Until it passes
    And blue skies return

    #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression #Rage #bipolarrage


    Stressed and not up for celebrating

    It's almost my birthday, but I don't feel like celebrating. These last six weeks have been a series of stressors and now I'm just maxed out. I'm feeling perpetually overwhelmed, anxious, lonely and full of rage. Then I feel bad for even having those feelings, like I'm ungrateful or something. (It’s so fun judging your own feelings 🥺) Some good stuff is happening next week, but it's wrapped in a heavy blanket of stress. I've cried everyday for the last six days....ugh. #Anxiety #Overwhelm #Rage

    See full photo

    What do you do if you’re feeling abandoned or rejected?

    Here’s what helps Lil_L (who’s 41) and lives with BPD:

    “Isolate or seek company depending on which characteristic is in full force. If I’m raging, I know I’m unreasonable and defensively ready to attack — so to avoid damaging relationships, I isolate. When I’m feeling abandoned or rejected — and am ready to engage with destructive behaviour —  I look for distraction.”

    👏 Big thanks to Lil_L for being one of the many Mighties to tell us What Helps You. There are many more great tips and resources provided by our fellow members ahead. Follow along at #WhatHelpsYou

    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Rage #Loneliness #CheckInWithMe

    See full photo

    #Depression #Rage #anger /ragemanagement #Bipolar1

    Thank you for this topic!
    I live an isolated life. Loneliness can trigger depression which sometimes morphs into flat out RAGE! It’s physically and mentally an awful way to feel. Sometimes I don’t realize the rage is building until it’s ready to explode. Self-control can sap lots of energy.
    Aha! My new psychiatrist diagnosed me as having Bipolar1. I’ve been on new medication for a few weeks.
    Life is not sunshine and roses but I’m grateful to know what was going on!


    it feels like this is my life now #RapeSurvivors #Advice #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAmerica #Rage #Awareness #physicalabuse #Homeless

    My name is Jillian, I’m 19 and was diagnosed with autism around the age of 6, I have always struggled to read body language and ended up in an unsafe situation. My dad has always refused to accept my diagnosis and left our family, my mom has always shrugged my problems off and responded to me with things like “that has happened to me too” I have always asked for support but they have always dismissed me unless they can gain from my distress. My cries for help have never been heard. During covid we bought an rv and traveled, we ended up in GA on a campground where we work and live.

    Recently, my boss got close to me and my family. He raped me multiple times, he often hits me and leaves buries on me. I told my mom that it was happening and she told me she was raped too, I felt so stuck and lost, and when she sees the buries she said it was a hickey and I was being dramatic. It’s been going on for 3 months the first time it happened was july 3rd my Mom has control of my money, it all goes to her and she gives me it when she thinks I need it. I have looked into shelters. I’m scared to go because my Mom has sent me to them all my life and I have been abused and taken advantage of at every turn, even in places where iwnas meant to be safe. Every time I feel safe the wool gets thrown over my eyes. It keeps happening since Ii have no support and me and my family would have nowhere to go. He has friends in law enforcement including the local sheriff, I don't own a car and no one is willing to bring me to the hospital or police station to help, and im scared getting help may mean losing my family. My Family is the only thing thats been consistent in my life and the only financial support I have is them or my boss, who is also the owners best friend so we may lose our home and place to live.

    I have been thinking of getting an in home carer to help me learn the skills that can better help me protect myself, live on my own, enforce boundeies with people and feel safe. I have called multiple crisis lines and all have been unhelpful, only passing me onto another number to call who really haven’t been able to help. I have two dogs who are all that keep me feeling safe, so I’m absolutely terrified of going to a shelter and leaving them behind, they’re my only friends, I’ve got my boyfriend as support, but he lives in another country and can only do so much to help. I’m so desperate for help and trying so hard, but scared I’ll find trauma behind every door.