Trust

I'm going to be a preschool teacher! After working 10 years in the corporate world I'm switching my career back to teaching.

Working in the corporate world can feel exhausting, overwhelming and honestly like I'm a human robot.

I'm excited to do work that's meaningful and rewarding. These little lives are trusting me to guide and help them learn in a safe fun environment. As my mom would say, "I'm up for the job!"

A big source of my unhappiness stemmed from not being fulfilled in my career. I believe that's why a lot of people are unhappy. Its what we spend most of our lives doing so we should do what we love.

I love teaching, I love leading by example and I love guiding children who will one day rule the world. They are our future and the responsibility is mine.

If you can, do it for your mental health, do it for your passion, do it for your life. Live the life you've always dreamed of.

Switching careers doesn't take away my depression and anxiety but I understand I need to do the things that feeds my soul and exites me in a good way. We're only here for a limited amount of time. I might as well live it how I want to even if that means coloring outside of the lines a little.

I want to know your experience about a sudden switch in careers. What are you passionate about? Are you doing what you love?

#Teaching #passion #Children #preschool #Depression #Career #Anxiety #Love #dreams #god #MentalHealth #Trust

I just found out my dad needs to have emergency surgery for a blockage in his stomach. He's the type of guy who's never sick besides an occasional cold and even then he would get up to go to work because he's strong and the hardest worker I know.

I can see the fear in his eyes but I know he is going to come out stronger than he went in. Let his faith be stronger than his fears. My faith is strong for him right now. I don't have the strength to be weak and he needs me.

Thank God for my mom forcing him to the emergency room. Only a man who loves a woman so deeply would stop being stubborn for just a second. I trust in God. Our faith is never lost. This too shall pass. All of a sudden the things that didn't really matter before, really don't matter at all right now.

I never ask for anything because I just don't know how to but I do ask for prayers. Thank you.

#prayers #Surgery #Faith #healed #Love
#Anxiety #Depression #Life #Family #Friends #peace #Trust #god #Health

As a child, I was left alone to deal with my problems. I became hyper independent. That’s where the bad coping skills came from. I was 7 years old when I first cut myself. I still to this day have no clue how in the world a 7 year old tells themselves I will cut myself to feel better. Until in the last years that I realized I needed someone to talk to about my experiences, share my feelings with (my stupid feelings and emotions that I never fucking understand or know what they are) and to help me organize my emotions and their meanings. That is why I initially seeked a therapist. I wanted to understand better why I keep on having my suicidal thoughts and get help managing them so they are less invading. I only recently realized that we (my therapist and I) have created a safe place together for my thoughts, but now it is like I am doubting it again because of last session. What I somewhat understood is that: reassurance seeking leads to over explaining, over apologizing, what if and doubts which come from shame/abandonment issues.

After reading a little online, I can conclude that excessive reassurance seeking is addictive. Like any addiction, the more you do it, the more you want it. It’s an immediate relief like self harm. It is quick and relieves the anxiety that is rumbling through your head. Like self-harming, the relief does not last, and you seek it more and more. The problem with reassurance is that, in the short term, it decreases your anxiety. However, in the long term, it creates a vicious cycle that worsens your anxiety and increases your need for more reassurance. It also decreases your confidence in your ability to answer your own questions and reinforces that you are unable to tolerate the discomfort of uncertainty. How do we fix it? “By exposure and response prevention. This involves repeatedly facing the fear and choosing not to seek reassurance (i.e. not to check, measure, ask, review, and do). Exposure can be paced to slowly and purposely help the person reduce the reassurance seeking. Anxiety levels will eventually fall and the individual learns that reassurance-seeking is not needed to reduce anxiety, the feared outcome does not occur and that they have power over their thoughts and actions.” It all seems very straightforward and easy to do when you read it but emotions and feelings are mixed with all this and that is where it gets complicated. I understand I need to learn how to tolerate uncertainty. Uncertainty is not danger, its distress, it’s a feeling, and it’s not an indication of real danger in the world. I need to change how I respond to it so I no longer seek reassurance, but how do I do that when I lived in a world where no one was safe, every time I trusted someone, it literally backfired. I was either criticized, laughed at, or misunderstood. And even as I grew older, I tried trusting more, forgiving more, being more tolerant with people and they still proved my anxieties were right. My gut feelings are rarely false now. I know how to read people so I do not get hurt, so I know what to expect. The only person I have trouble reading is my therapist and it is quite anxiety provoking. I don’t know why and it’s a piss off.

Since the beginning my therapist has been telling me to trust people more, be more vulnerable with them. Part of seeking validation and reassurance is also asking for help and being courageous enough to ask for help when needed. Don't all humans do that? Why is it bad? The message that I retained from last session with my therapist is that asking for reassurance is bad and that I shouldn’t do it ever, especially with her and yet I started trusting her and being vulnerable with her. How do they expect me to be vulnerable and honest with them if sometimes involuntarily I have questions and want some reassurance? No one can be self-sufficient, even her. It’s literally impossible. Talking about my fears and insecurities is very hard for me and she knows that, but how am I supposed to do that without relying on her a little or expecting a little reassurance. It is a blessing to find people with whom we feel safe to share our vulnerability when we feel anxious or insecure. Sharing our thoughts, including our need for reassurance, builds trust and connection. How am I supposed to do one without the other? How am I supposed to be honest about my thoughts, my feelings and questions I wonder? Yes, I worry about other people’s feelings, including my therapists. I can’t help it. I do think I am a burden to everyone around me, including her even without any concrete evidence. It is a feeling so ingrained in me that I can’t shake it off because maybe I’ve been told most of my life to shut up because I talk too much and talk too loud. I know she is a human too. I know how difficult it is to remain neutral all the time, to not show your opinion. Unloading onto someone is hard for me because the only thing I’m telling myself is don’t complain too much, don’t unload too much because they will leave. Don’t talk too much or take too much space or else they will stop this. I wish I could press a button and press stop but it goes so fast. I’m starting to realize that a lot of questions and things I ask to my therapsit are a reflection of my opinion about myself as well. I have zero self-compassion, zero self-confidence and zero knowledge on knowing how to reassure myself. I look bad right now, but being honest is so much more important to me. The only way to trust people is with honesty, especially if I want to trust myself one day. #Therapy #Therapist #Anxiety #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #reassurance #Selfblame #Selfharm #SuicidalThoughts #Trust #vulnerability

× " Now I'm Starting To Get Hit On By Men... And It's OK I Guess... What I'm Trying To Explain Is.. That When Men Especially Younger Men.. Come Up To Chat With Me Etc.. My Feeling's Go Into Shut-Down... And My Ptsd Start's Forming A Wall To Protect My Heart And Emotion's... And Plus My Red Flag Bell's Go Off... To Stay Away... I'm Like Legit Scared To Date Again... Because I Have Been Out Of It For 17 Year's... So Idk What It's Like To Have An Actaul Boyfriend... And I'm Terrified That I Will Not Be Good At It Anymore... Because People Nowaday's Are So Picky And Superficial About Look's Etc... I Don't Have Long Hair... Or Colored Eyes... I'am Simply Me.. All Natural Not Fake... I'm Shy And Quite... I Keep To Myself... Until I Feel Very Comfortable In Getting To Knowing Someone Which Might Take Awhile For Me... I Don't Like The Idea Of Realtionship Hopping... Or Sleeping With Someone On The 1st Night... I Know Buzz Kill... I Would Also Just Love For Someone To Just Be Fully Honest Within Themselve's... But This Journey Will Be Hard For Me To Begin.... " × #Topic #Trust Issue's ☆▪︎☆☆ S. K. ☆☆▪︎☆

So I just made a post titled July 8th.. about that day. But I haven’t been on in a while. Here lately I’ve been feeling lost, disassociated with everything and everyone.

Like nothing will work out..

I even exile myself. I've lost myself, and I know I'll never be able to get the old me back. I just need help letting go of that me, and starting over. I don't feel attached to anything or anyone. I feel like a nobody. Which is my own fault. I don’t feel depressed. I just don't feel anything. It's hard to explain I guess. Idk where my mind has went. But I know im not me, I don't feel like me.
I can't get along with anyone, all I do is make bad choices, argue with everyone. I've failed everything and everyone, myself included.
I'm just tired of feeling this way. I just want to be better and move forward. But no matter what I always fail.
I always cry and break down when literally no one is around because I made the mistake of showing him my sensitive side, and he took it as weakness. I'm too sensitive. So I just keep to myself.
I hate feeling weak and not good enough. No, no one tells me those things, but the way things are said, do not help. I've been so use to feeling alone, dealing with things alone, I guess I don't know how to let people help.

I think that's why I feel this way, cause I'm tired of hurting and going through it all so I'm trying to not feel anything, because it's better than feeling pain.
It sucks loving someone so much more than you love yourself, just to wake up one day and realize you never meant anything to them, they were just using you for their own personal gain until they no longer needed you..
So every time they told they loved you, they wanted a family with you, they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you.. it was all a lie. And you can't trust anyone else that says it, because you feel one day you're gonna wake up to the same thing.

#Trust #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Life

Handwoven lace, spun from a magical spider's web fashioned her posture; veiled were her dreams, old lover's deceptions and all unbridled emotions. Before, as if in another life she has been the lead dancer, the one spinning to the pretty notes, unwinding with the delicacy of her spirit. Poised, she leapt through memories both shiny like sapphire and fragile as opals. Around her was a still, mirroring pond of light. She was a lost feather, floating solo from high above, performing an impromptu pirouette and free falling in the breath of cool northern winds. Her eyes were stained with glassy ice blue tears which solidified as soon as they breeched from their ducts. Snowflakes flew around her and she became cold, landing hard upon the marbled stone beneath her. She lay there and closed her eyes. She wanted to stop the tinkling of a rhetorical melody from her own music box which continued to play beyond her control. She had broken her strongest leg, the one she used to lean on when avoiding painful lyrics that reminded her of her flurrying youth. Her shadow was growing old and her desire to dance began to fade. No hand came to help her up and no one knew that she lay in pain; truth be told she did not long for help. The ballerina knew she was doing all she could to mend her wounds and protect her future from being shattered. From the heavens the moonlight crystalized her beauty, shielding her from surrendering herself all together. Her strength although enervated, would call upon her to rise again. As all folkloric sagas have us to believe "amore-propre" is restored and the beast within is slain or out-witted, the beautiful one's faith is redeemed, and the Prima donna always experiences a reawkening with butterflies swimming around her head and that which was her nemesis is obliterated. The ballerina in this story is glued en-pointe, center stage in a polished oak jewelry box; the golden key is wound and she spins ever so slowly as Lara' s Song resumes. Somewhere my love, within this broken Ballerina her own needs were forsaken without mirth; to see those she love resuscitate their own dreams was a gift for sh#e once again had an honorable purpose.