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Anyone have issues with RAGE?

When I first experienced this, it came out of no where a year after I was assaulted. It was like a volcano erupted. I was really scared of it, didn’t know what to do, and felt like I needed to get help fast. I was still running from and experiencing vivid flashbacks, dissociation, etc. I went to see a new counselor about help with the rage, but I was so LOST at the time and counselors want you to start by filling out paperwork and talking about why you came. I was triggered by all of it. I couldn’t find any answers on WHY I felt rage, & why a year later? I had no idea how to cope with it as I was always a laid back/chill person. I felt like it was me against the world. Everyone was a threat to me. People who were rude at the grocery store, anyone running their mouth at me, and whoever DARED threaten me, their lives were about to be in grave danger if they didn’t RUN. I can be triggered so severely by a direct verbal threat, that I immediately prepare to eliminate that threat and that’s ALL I see/know. I have suffered at the hands of many who had all the control where I had none.

I was able to get some answers about where the rage even came from bc I didn’t understand it. Janina Fisher’s book on Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, and her newest workbook Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma …. Janina is an EXPERT on trauma, you know it just listening to how she explains origins of symptoms that transform into lifelong suffering. There were a lot of things I never understood about myself, so reading her books and watching her YouTube videos really helped me when I had NO ONE to talk to who understood.

Rage is …. An understandable and NORMAL reaction to a traumatic situation you faced where someone hurt you, targeted you …. on purpose. That person made you feel fear, uncertainty about your future, threatened you in some way….. and if you have experienced this repeatedly in childhood and in several instances in adulthood like I have, rage may be something you struggle with to control. Sometimes you can’t and the other person who threatened you really doesn’t realize just how close they came to being in a life-threatening situation. A few times I was SECONDS away from going after someone who provoked, threatened, or wanted to see how much they could “push” before I lost my damn mind. I know what it’s like, and long after the emotions/adrenaline/and shakiness calm down and you FINALLY are able to THINK straight again …. You realize that you were about to really hurt someone and what the costs of that might have been. How close you came. It’s like you were a different person, and now you’re thinking this is some 911 shit. Like, I need help NOW or I’m really going to take someone out. This is not like me, I don’t like it, it scares me (when I can think straight), & I have this URGENT need to get RID of it NOW. I wish it was that easy.

I wonder - how many people have felt this same way? I don’t trust ANYone, don’t talk to people, don’t have a counselor, dont like groups ….. so I really don’t know if anyone has felt the same. #Rage #Fear #Trust #Anxiety #Grief #tsunami depression

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How Do I Tell My Therapist About My #CPTSD Response?

l've got pretty bad #CPTSD as
well as #bipolar2 .I recently
started seeing a new #Therapist
I don't believe that she, like most
therapists, are truly #Trauma
informed. I don't believe she
understands the depth of it.
When we started, I explained to
her very thoroughly that I've had
so many difficulties finding
therapists who can handle my"stuff" my trauma, because it'sjust so big and so much.I don't #Trust anyone, really. The Monday before last Monday was my last time seeing her. I texted to ask if we'd made anappointment for the followingweek, and we hadn't. She told me she'd text me times and dates. I didn't hear from her that day orthe next day. Or the next or the next. The next day still nothing. This went on for over 7 days. Q Nothing. Then she texted me this morning saying she and her family caught covid and she thanked me for "gracefully accepting" her late message. Also I'd told her before that communication is important and asked her to return my texts in general because she didn't reply to a couple of texts in the past. This is not okay. At all. I've been feeling shakey about our therapeutic relationship and stingy with my trust, now it's certain she is not the right fit. But how do I explain to her why going all that time with no communication was not okay? She's going to say "Well I was taking care of my family who had covid" She already did, actually. Which generally shuts that conversation down, because what kind of horrible person are you for not understanding when someone has covid? I believe this: If you chose to go into a certain career where people deeply depend on you- a heart surgeon, a therapist- it is your responsibility to set up precautions in case something like this happens. Have someone else in place just in case, have someone call your clients. And of course, "sometimes things happen that can't be helped" This was over 7 days . What if I went in for open heart surgery, was on the table opened up & ready to go, but no one could find the doctor, then he calls 7 hours later to say he has covid. He has no backup surgeon to call. And you're just left laying there on the operating table.. nobody knows what to do. How do I explain what having a THERAPIST ghost you for a week is so damaging, esp with CPTSD going to all kinds of emotional #flashback of the #neglect you suffered? I get the impression that she's not aware of what she got herself into. I wonder how many #suicides could have been prevented if the therapist had not waited a week to return the client's call. I'm not #suicidal right now, but I certainly have been in the past. I've told her I need therapy once a week . My therapist not calling me was not deadly for me- not like the Cardiac surgeon scenario. But it very well could have been. How do I explain to her that what she did is a big deal???
*I posted this earlier and got some "Just tell her," responses, which is an awful lot like "Why don't you just leave?" Only real and or helpful opinions/responses please!

2 reactions 3 comments
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Something I need to constantly remember! #Depression #Hope #Relationships #Anxiety #Trust #Faith #MentalHealth

I need to concentrate on this instruction. Too easy to let my mind runaway to bad places.

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What is the lowest point in your life?!

What is the lowest point in your life?!

Me?! Im having that right now..

Im 30 years old and for the past 6 days Im living and sleeping in a homeless shelter.

Did I get here by choice? No..

I trusted someone for the past 8 years, believed Im safe and cared for,while I also work on my mental health and then he just decides its over and I need to leave..

I really want to let my BPD talk and say: 'This is what you get for trusting people. Never trust people ever again!'

But I know better, sort of, just really hard to see light at the end of the tunnel, where everything is safe again, and I believe and trust someone.

#BPD #Homeless #Trust

17 reactions 6 comments

How to reframe my thoughts on misguided people

Hello all, 💙

I wanted to ask for some advice regarding BPD and friends. Any and all thoughts would be appreciated.

This past year I have had 2 friends from separate friend groups completely cut me out of their lives. They are related because they are the only friends I was open enough to share I had BPD.
Both of them started distancing themselves and both of them used my disorder as a means of "blaming" me for why THEY didn't wish to share why they wanted to end our relationship.

One thing that was literally said to me:
"There is no way I'm telling you how I feel because of your disorder"

The funny thing is, I've been friends with both of them for years before I found out I had this. We all had many talks about feelings and we always figured it out smoothly.

But now that I have a label they used it as a means to get rid of me.

I'm asking for help on trying to reframe my thinking about this situation. It truly has been giving me trust issues and it just plain hurts! These people I spent years with just drop me in an instant. i'm scared some one else in the future with literally use my disorder against me.

Have you experienced anything like this before?

#Anxiety #Trust #Label

7 reactions 4 comments
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#Sorry I have been away a few days. Here is my new #Furbaby !!!!

I felt it was best to refrain from posting these past few days. I was very #sad , #confused , & #hopeless due to my heartwrenching experience at the shelter I went about a week ago. I was even #Feeling like there might very well be a #Curse on me & my life. I pretty much believed that any & every thing I might & would do or try to do, was destined to be #tradgedy & cause me more #Heartache . To put it honestly, day to day was kinda "touch-and-go" moreso than ever. Recently, it came to a head, and I honestly felt that i had no idea if I'd be around to see the next day. But today, I brought home a new #Cat . He was the best cat there at PSPCA. (Pennsylvania SPCA. ) health-wise, age-wise, & he is calm with a #wonderful temperament. He is asleep on the couch with me right now. I like it at cold temps, but I not want him to get sick. He doesn't (yet) seem to feel ok about having a blanket over him, for warmth, but then again, he is just getting to know & has to have a bit of time to learn he can #Trust me. Anyways, I am keeping my leg against him for him to have my body warmth. I am SO pleased the way the day turned out. Had some very rough spots there, but it ended up not getting the best of the situation#. I have my baby! His name is what I consider extremely anti - #Christian . I don't even like to say or write it. I have been calling him "Baby" when I talk to or call for him. Still, I'm taking my time about giving him his permanent official name !!!

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A gentle reminder #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #Hope #Relationships #Trust #MentalHealth

A gentle reminder you are uniquely wonderful, important and valuable in the best possible ways.

58 reactions 22 comments