Vital

I want to be happy.
It’s a despite, how hard i try
I can’t bring myself to be happy.
I feel suffocated,embarrassed,ashamed.
Why did i have to be this way?

I have a great family,amazing friend,good education archivement,on paper everything is okay.
Yet,all i ever seem to see is sadness and grey.
Black and white.

It’s like there’s this burden on me,
Pulling me to the ground
and however hard you try you can’t bring myself out,
I can’t bring myself to care,
About anything not me,not him,not her
Living has become the constant nightmare
AND IT’S JUST NOT FAIR.

Society will tell me to try yoga,
Go for a walk,
Listen to meditation.
I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or medication.
It’s a disease that affects every aspect of my life,my work,my relationships,my basic need,my education,my sleep,my appetite,my daily care,everything.

And to this day despite my best efforts to explain
I am always met with blind hesitation.

People ask me
“Why are you always so sad?”
I tell them i don’t know...
I don’t know...I don’t know.

What i do know
Is that i wakeup everyday feeling like absolutely shit
And that that’s become my norm.

I’m afraid of the world,
I am afraid of putting my guard down,
In the tear that i will be judge,
FOR SOMETHING THAT I CANNOT CONTROL.

Where’s the fairness of it all?

Do you think i like to watch myself fall?
Into this hole of self hate,shame,shit,disrespect and loathe.

So i hide them
And i put up a wall

That’s so high,
You will never see my pain or any of my flaws
I create this character
And he is perfect
He’s invincible

And so i carry on live these two lives,
One for the public and one just for me late at night
Cos that’s easier than admitting you have a problem
And THAT’S THE PROBLEM.
Avoid conflict to keep the peace, and yet you start a war with yourself.

The stigma is real people
And it will not go away until we realise
That mental health IS big deal
It’s a hidden disease thats affecting so many lives
Wake up and listen to the silent cries.

It’s a kid that never speaks
Or the guy who’s always tired
The women who’s too emotional
The guy who just got fired
Cos he was absent a lot
He couldn’t get out of bed due to his mental health
But do you think any of his colleagues knew that
Course not...

Depression is the hell inside of me
And it eats me up daily.

#Depression #Anxiety #OCD #BipolarDepression #Vital #Thisisreal #Awareness

I live with long term chronic pain. My health is complex and I have several physicians with different specialties. Every visit, I fill out the standard pre-exam paperwork, checking boxes and filling in blanks.

Every time, I check the boxes for anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping, etc. The nurse dutifully weighs me, checks my blood pressure, temperature and heart rate before asking about the reason for my visit. Finally, the doctor comes in and performs their exam.

Never, EVER does the nurse or doctor ask me about my mental health, despite me checking those boxes. Never.
Why? If a doctor were to simply say, “I see you indicated depression and anxiety. What does that look like for you?” - it would help me engage in a meaningful conversation about how these issues affect my life.
Every doctor is focused on whatever part of my body they are treating. Gynecologist-hormone replacement therapy, annual exams, screening- check. Pain management doctor - scans, meds, symptom changes - done.

I realize that treating me is complicated. I have been through the anti-depressant grist mill without success. So, I have no current medication or treatment for my .

I am drowning and too tired to resist anymore. I carry on because I have loved ones who would be devastated if I were gone. I find moments of joy with them. It is a unfair burden to place silently on their shoulders.

Give me a reason to live please. No pressure.

I am rambling now. And I am tired. So very tired.

#whatisdepression #myfeelings

Mental Health - a critical and overlooked Vital Sign #Vital

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