I’m a Christian, substitute teacher, dog mom, daughter, sister, aunt, and adult student. There are so many things that make me who I am, but lately, I’ve allowed my physical and mental illnesses to define me more than usual. I took on a full-time job for the 2018-2019 school term and absolutely hate myself for it because I’ve been working on earning my MA since 2016, but now everything is suffering. I thought I could handle everything at once, but I’m obviously an idiot. I underestimated my illnesses and overestimated my level of motivation.

I’m terrified of failing at anything, and I let that keep me from doing a lot of things. Not necessarily big things, but mostly everyday trivial things. I don’t drive. I don’t date. I don’t confront the friends who ditched me. I don’t sing. I don’t tell the full truth about how I feel because I’m afraid of the responses/reactions I’ll receive. I don’t want to hurt myself because I believe “if there’s a Heaven, there’s a Hell,” but I so desperately want to die.

There are some options to fix things staring me in the face, but I don’t like a single one of them 100%. There are pros and cons to each road, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my nearing graduation date for my job, nor my great job for my education. This dark hole is sucking me dry, and the only thing I know to do is wake up and show up for work every day on autopilot. Unfortunately, that takes everything. I haven’t had the energy for church, homework, family time, or even time to myself. If I get a minute to myself, I want to sleep, overeat, or stare at a blank wall. I can’t even handle applying a full face of makeup for work, which I usually love. I can’t handle extra stimulation in the few silent moments I get. If I don’t eat at all, I feel okay, but the moment I take a bite of anything I can’t stop until I hurt. I had VSG done a couple of years ago to help with that issue, but I’m failing at that too. I’m failing at everything, and I’m worried I’m going to end up as the 300 lb girl without a decent job and meaningless degrees again.