Hypomania

So, I had my therapy appointment yesterday and he said he doesn’t see #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder he sees more #Bipolar2 . He did say he can’t diagnose me this his observation. The hypomania is off the charts I feel extremely high, extremely happy, wired and irritated. I still haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist yet. Yesterday I was very fatigued less energy my therapist said it’s called a crash. Last night I couldn’t sleep so I’m closely watching this.

I feel like I’ve never known how to properly “manage” myself. My mind has been a blur lately and I’ve just been going through the motions. I do that sometimes. I have #Bipolar2 and just recently am realizing something about myself that I never knew… I maybe on the #AutismSpectrumDisorder and I’m unsure how to process that? I’ve had a lot of change the last year and fell very unregulated. I’m trying to stop myself from going down into a hole but I’m not sure I’m going to be able to. I’m sleeping a lot on my days off and having a lot of trouble processing my thoughts and focusing. It’s been really hard for me to function lately. My #Anxiety is very high and I suffer from #CPTSD I recently got out of a physically abusive relationship well 6 months ago. The last 3 months have been a total blur. I was doing ok but then I’ve just been all over the place since. I’m exhausted trying to fight my mind. Trying to just be able to function. I feel like I can’t catch a break. My life isn’t bad I just can’t focus enough to process it. I go through periods like this where I just kinda exist and lose track of life passing me by. I struggle to even accept myself when I’m like this, let alone like myself. I just feel so “abnormal” it sucks. I can’t keep up. I fell apart in 2013 during my last year of college… I failed my senior year. I’m just realizing that the reason I fell apart may not have just been my on set of my bipolar disorder but the dealing with hypomania for the first time may not be the sole reason I “broke down” I’m now seeing it may have also been that I had been #Masking my autism and before the mania I was able to do that but after that I wasn’t able to successfully mask anymore and that’s why I couldn’t finish school and why my life started to fall apart. I’m feeling really lost right now and do not know what to do? I’m feeling really alone too. I can’t manage to keep friendships because it’s just to hard with all of my mental health conditions and now I’m realizing the autism may also be a reason I struggle so much with maintaining friendships as well. I’ve never been loved for who I am and that just really sucks. People make me feel like I was better before I “fell apart” in 2013. I always thought the #Bipolar2 was to blame but now that I’m realizing that the #Autism may have also been a factor I’m starting to think it’s not the bipolar disorder that people can’t accept, it’s the fact that they don’t like the real me. The unmasked me. The masked me was “together” I liked her but I haven’t been able to get back to that place since and I feel like no one has loved me for who I really am. This post 2013 me is who I’ve always been but everyone wants the masked me back. But that was never the real me to begin with. Maybe I can learn to love the real me and not want the old me back because that wasn’t the real me. Maybe if that’s how I finally look at it maybe I can make peace with who I am and not keep wanting to go back to the masked me? Because that was never real and being real is the way to truly live. If you’ve read this far thanks. I feel strange even posting this because I ended up almost journaling instead of writing a post but maybe writing this as a post for actual people to read maybe what I needed opposed to writing my thoughts in a journal no one will ever read. Maybe I finally had an ah ha moment? I need to stop doing what I’ve been internally doing for over a decade wanting to be the old together me because that me was the masked me not the real me and I haven’t gotten back there because she was never real and she isn’t where I’m meant to be. She served a purpose, a lot of me wishes I could have masked long enough to get my degree but that wasn’t meant to be either. I need to love the real me because there’s nothing wrong with her and she has worth and chasing after a masked version of myself is never going to make me happy. And if the people in my life want that girl/young woman back then they only accepted the masked me and that’s on them. Maybe I can finally start the journey on loving the real me which is the real thing that has been truly holding me back the last decade. Yes figuring out how to manage my bipolar disorder better will be helpful but knowing now that old me was a mask and a lie and not who I should want back because I’ll never be able to love who I really am if I’m chasing my masked self. That’s led to years and years of disappointment and is why I’ve never actually moved forward since. I’ve “survived” so to speak but have been stuck in the shadow of my former self thinking that where I needed to go but that’s the opposite direction I should be going. Knowing that now I can finally move forward and stop trying to chase an artificial version of myself. I was never suppose to put that mask back on I’m suppose to accept who I really am. No one has made me feel proud of the true version of myself and that has been heartbreaking but if I can learn to love and accept her maybe others can too. If they can’t that’s ok too. I can learn to better make peace with that too. Again if you’re still reading thanks I’m drowning on and on but just writing this has made a huge difference on where I was at mentally when I started to where I am now. Like I said before maybe my thoughts needed to be written in a way that was directed towards someone reading this instead of just a journal, to be able to get here to this place. Even if no one does read this I appreciate the mighty for giving me this outlet to express myself to people who I feel safe enough expressing it to. 🩷🩷

Can anyone tell me if Hypothyroidism can manifest itself with personality changes and weight gain after childbirth? I.e., Hypomania? Thank you.

Yesterday I wake up early, felt good, two hours later anxiety and depression crippled in.

The history of my life is that I can never feel good about something for a consistent amount of time. I feel like anxiety will just hop in. I think in theory I developed anxiety to protect myself from bad stuff happening, but it has really take my life from me.

On the other hand I am questioning myself if I am chasing hypomania. I took meds regarding bipolar 2 for 4 years. I wasn't the best client cause I went back for 2 times, then it was pandemics, I wasnt comfortable doing video. But I kept the medication.

With the meds I didn't feel suicidal, I had sometimes thoughts like "my end will be suicide, it is just a fact" and I even thought of methods, but this was all rational, no that crying end of the line depression.

I also am an optimistic. So I had periods I have ideas, and think things will workout, but they are very short lived. I don't think you can say they are proper hypomania because I will be very excited for the next day during the evening, but the next day comes and all sort of bad thoughts come around.

Inside the anxiety there is OCD. I have mental lists, they are not the typical OCD ones (checking doors, washing hands) but are in someway related to organize stuff and thoughts. I waste a lot of times trying to make my life coincide with my mental lists. I know it is insane, but I makes me feel safe, but it also makes me not live life.

I'm at the start of my second week back to lithium. Feeling good, feeling bad, a bit like I was before. I go back to the doctor in one month.

You see, I right now don't want to kill myself, but my rational mind tells me that if life will be like that going further, and it will get worse if it goes like that, I will have to kill myself because I can't live like that.

I needs that motivation when I have it, to stay with me. I'm not talking of thinking I am superman, but I want to feel I can do stuff, and I feel it, but it last so little.

It feels like my navigation system is broke. If I can trust when I feel good about something, because it might be a lie if in a few hours I feel anxiety and see all the problems with the idea. It is not about thinking it over, I think too much, if thinking would help me I would be the happiest man alive. In fact sometimes I wish I didn't think.

#Bipolar2 #Hypomania #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Anxiety

When you go from Hypomania to depression and you can't work that good and that hard because you just can't. In my hyponainia I used to work very very hard and now my coworkers wonder why I am so reduced. Should I tell them what's going on?

The holiday has been much on my mind of late. My reactions to the holiday aren’t necessarily what you will experience, but as a bipolar person, I wanted to share what depression and hypomania do to me during the holiday season.

Hypomania

I’ve tried the traditional giving of gifts on Christmas Day, but this year our gifts are all either pre- or post-holiday. Last year, I was hypomanic and overspent. I was disappointed, though, when my selections for my husband didn’t garner the response I thought they would. He still hasn’t used the camera I got him last year on the grounds that he didn’t have the time to figure it how to use it. (I’m going to suggest that one of his gifts to me will be to learn its workings.)

This year, I’m slightly less hypomanic. We got a present for both of us, a little early. We got matching heart, lock, and key tattoos. Since the tattoo shop is closed on Christmas and the tattoo artist is much in demand, we booked the appointment early and have already had these done. I’ve bought Dan another item or two on sale—oven mitts and a bathrobe—that I’m telling myself aren’t really presents, just things he needs, so he doesn’t have to get more presents for me. I honestly don’t mind if he doesn’t get me anything else. He gives me little gifts all year long—just things he finds at the store he works at that he thinks I’ll like.

This year I’m working at home, and I plan to work on Christmas Day, at least for a few hours. Realistically, I could take the day off and not risk missing my deadline, but the routine of working helps keep me centered. I have been exploring what local restaurants are open on Christmas Day so we don’t have to cook. For New Year’s Eve and Day, we actually have a tradition—champagne and appetizers on the Eve and Chinese Buffet on the Day. We often ask friends to join us for that.

Depression

I don’t think I’ll be too depressed to go out New Year’s Day, but then again, who knows? Dan has invited friends from work, so there will be people there I don’t know, as well as two that I do. I don’t really feel up to small talk these days, so Dan can handle that with his work friends.

I’ve given up trying to get into the “Christmas spirit” by dressing for the occasion. It never works for me. I’ve had Christmas earrings. One year I had a Grinch t-shirt. I once worked at a place where everyone wore holiday sweaters and sweatshirts. I didn’t have any and felt left out, but I didn’t want to pay the prices for the sweaters. After the holiday, I bought a couple on sale for the next year’s festivities, but I lost the job before I had an opportunity to use them. Oh, well.

My Lack of Advice

I know there are a lot of articles this time of year giving advice on how to deal with the holidays while in a shaky mental state. I’m not going to do that, because you already know all the standard advice—self-care—and I have nothing really insightful to add to it.

Except that it’s okay to have your own traditions or to ignore the holidays altogether if they’re just too much for you. If you’re alone, you could be subject to depression or just feeling numb, but that’s a natural reaction if you’re like me. Scale down your celebrations to suit yourself. If you’re experiencing anxiety, you can skip big celebrations and have your own small—or private—one. If you’re hypomanic, you may be up to some festivities, but you don’t have to be the life of the party at every one. And keep track of your spending. Most people prefer to get only one or two thoughtful presents rather than a flood of random ones.

I don’t wish you Happy Holidays, just survivable ones.

I have bipolar disorder II. Although, I don’t reach full blown mania, I experience hypomania, which is pretty intense. I shift from major depression to feeling 10 feet tall and bullet proof. I get agitated, extremely agitated and restless. I have mood swings from very high (feeling alive and invincible) to low (enough to experience suicidal ideation). I have comorbid diagnoses, but I will just talk about this now. I believe mental illness is a challenge to be met with courage, that actualizes our potential. It teaches resilience. I don’t see myself or others as weak, due to mental illness. I see them as strong. Bipolar disorder is my superpower! What’s yours?