Reckless Behaviour past 50
I wanted to share what is happening with me right now after coming off some antipsychotics that were harming me. Quetiapine messes with your pancreas, blood sugar can drop alarmingly after 2 hours and your appetite becomes ferocious. As a recovering anorexic, the weight gain became torturous and the sedative effects were affecting my ability to be a present mother to my 8 and 16 (who have autism) year old.
I wasn't diagnosed with Bipolar Depression until I was in my early 40's so I've experienced a life of lurching from personal car crashes to apocalyptic experiences with both my professional and personal life. I am a recovering addict, anorexic, co-dependent, and BPD.
Even with Lamictal, which allows my creativity to manifest, I still have these episodes where I leap into shit without thinking about it. Or thinking about it entirely in the present with no thought to the future. Or, more importantly, the implications it has on my family. My husband and I have struggled greatly through our marriage, he had a lot of anger issues due to GAD which he is also medicated for. We are still in love, and he has been very forgiving. We have two beautiful kids and a roof over our heads but still, I keep fucking it up.
My husband has worked abroad for over 3 years and we see him about twice a year. He's working to fix a problem that I created. I'm very tired and very lonely. A single mum with no support (both my parents are dead).
My theme song would be, 'It's Been Awhile' by STAINED.
So my latest is, that I play a lot of Battleground Royale games, gaming really helps me relax and push through agitated moods. I'm sure other BiPo warriors can relate.
I started playing with the guy, a really sweet American, and we hit it off. I mean sometimes you just do and I rarely talk on games because being a woman, you can get targeted and it gets tedious.
This guy, he's special. He speaks to my soul, he is everything I thought I would marry. Someone I could help and support and make happy. Now, I could have handled that and just let it give my heart a squeeze and feel good that I met a friend who I could have fun with online. But OH NO. That's not how it works.
Coming off the Quetiapine has launched me into reckless, hypomania and I haven't eaten for 5 days. We began to develop an emotional intimacy & before I knew it we'd swapped emails. And, if I hadn't been such an idiot we wouldn't. Worse I made up a huge persona, 20 years younger, not insane, clean, innocent because clearly, this is what I wanted all my life. I feel I was cheated out of so many informed decisions because of this fucking illness. And that makes me so sad, I can hardly bear it today.
I felt so guilty I had to come clean to a point. I told him I was older and had children. Couldn't bring myself to talk about my marriage. And I broke him. He was devastated - I mean this guy told me everything about himself, prison when young (all checked out) - his 4 kids he never saw (legit) and what did I do? Fucking catfished him (I didn't even know what catfished meant before my friend told me).
I know I should just stop this. But his purity, we are both Catholics, and his innate goodness is addictive and I want to make him happy.
I know I'm mourning what could have happened and perhaps, what should have. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have this wonderful family and children who I would take bullets for and love more than life. So how the fuck did I get here. After 15 years after my last implosion, I spent all our savings and have spent the rest of the time atoning for it.
So now, I'm stuck. It can't go anywhere and I need to release him which I tried to do but he was resistant. I'm praying a lot. I know I'm sinning. I'm asking for forgiveness on a minute-by-minute basis.
I'm crying in stupid places. My heart feels heavy and ill.
Fuck this hurts.
Thanks for reading. #