Hypomania

I submitted assignments on time. I was the life of the party. My stories tickled everyone to their core. I was spiralling inside guarding my vulnerabilities, a ticking time bomb, minutes away from not existing. If you think this should have come with a “might cause distress” warning and it got you uncomfortable then my job is done. I have your attention and you are experiencing the same discomfort I live with everyday being a high-functioning bipolar. This is not a knowledge blog that has an endless list of symptoms and management strategies. This is an effort to reach out to everyone fighting the same battles and also the ones who might not be recognising these battles others are fighting. A voice of a quiet guardian, a shadow ally screaming “it’s ok not to be ok”.

Let’s get one thing clear first. High-functioning is not just a clinical categorisation. It shows its impact more as a social label. You have a job, you meet deadlines, you maintain hygiene, smile when expected which is basically you not disrupting the system. So in all likelihood, you are useful. Let’s flip the coin and see if you can relate. High functioning for me was collapsing privately, regulating publicly, weaponising my insight, intellectualizing my instability, and most importantly converting pain into productivity. I know a lot of you must be going, “hit the nail on the head” and I hope with that realisation there must be a sigh of relief that you are not alone. Functioning can never be equated with well-being because while functioning makes you measure every inch of your output, well-being nourishes your internal stability. You can submit research while dissociating, lead meetings while hypomanic or even write eloquently while emotionally numb.

While hypomania gets confused for ambition, passion, creativity, people around you further condition you to embrace it. A simple swap in phrases holds an enormous power here. “You are on fire lately” but what about “have you been sleeping well?” This right here is how “high-functioning” becomes a lethal socially channelised weapon. What about depression? It might look like “I am tired”, “I need a break” but let’s put that under the microscope a bit. Could it be anhedonia, cognitive slowing, emotional blunting or suicidal rumination? You can still complete tasks. You just feel nothing while doing them. That’s the blindspot. But that’s not it. Here comes my intellectualisation of my instability riding bazooka to annihilate any smidgen of healing. I have a master’s in psycholopathology so it’s safe to say I know my Ps and Qs well and while you might think “woah! she must be healing herself” Nope! My self-awareness is on Xanax and it just never knows when to switch off and let me breathe. Because I got all my terminologies and research in line people think I am managing and I often mistake my insight for control. You necessarily don’t need to spend big bucks for a master’s degree to have this issue (masquerading as a power) but if you are high-functioning you are probably already dealing with this. You might often analyse before feeling, interpret before processing, and structure relentlessly before surrendering. That’s the tip of the emotional disintegration iceberg.

Let’s move on to the next harsh truth, the identity trap. My identity is often tied to my performance, productivity, academic growth, cognitive sharpness, and being generally useful for people around me. This internal script coupled with short spurts of external reward usually makes me adorn the identity of the smart, strong, or capable one. So at this point any hint of instability feels like an ego death to me. The blindspot here takes away your right to relapse when your body feels exhausted or makes you simply taper your emotional needs out of fear of losing your credibility and being called the dramatic one. This identity trap could be also one of the core reasons as to why mania or hypomania feels like a sweet spot for high-functioning bipolars. Initially when I was put on medications my resistance towards it was solely characterised by the fear of losing that velocity. Raise your hands if you have rid the high of fast thinking, creative ideation, or mere social confidence that mania offers. Naturally, the stability we get from medication might feel like slower cognition, reduced spontaneity, and emotional flattening. Now for someone whose identity is built around intelligence, productivity, insight, or charisma, this feels terrifying. It’s not just the fear of side effects but rather the fear of becoming ordinary.

Stability feels muted and whenever I admitted this I was overwhelmed with a feeling of ungratefulness and irresponsibility. But it was actually grief over losing a version of myself that was powerful even if unsustainable. But when medication forces a sense of confrontation into our system that’s when the real tug of war starts. “What if my best work was just me being manic or hypomanic?” “If I am not my speed or intensity or emotional extremes then who am I?” No one tells you that healing will shrink you first before strengthening you and this is why most high-functioning bipolars show signs of subtle non-adherence to medication or dose increase.

I will circle back to the same emotion we began with. This made you uncomfortable? Then sit with it because many of us are living with it daily. Quietly, efficiently, invisibly. To the warriors performing while breaking, acknowledging this is not weakness, not drama, or you overthinking. It is deeper than a burnout and you deserve to look at it without shame. And to my dear observers watching from outside, the phrases matter. “You handle everything so well.” “At least you’re functioning.” Sometimes those very words delay help. High-functioning is not high-capacity, it is high-concealment. And concealing anything of that gravity is exhausting.

If you find yourself relating with every word in this blog and you are calling it ambition, personality, resilience then please, pause. Fire is dazzling, stillness is disappointing. But it is stillness that keeps the pulse steady.

If you see someone else going through this and you have been applauding their acceleration, ask better questions. Stop rewarding the fire, start protecting the person.