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I moved. I’m tired. I’m grieving my children. I wish I had a family to share my life experiences with. I’m an orphan now. No mother, no father or siblings. My spouse and I are in the same boat. This move has been the biggest and best decision of my life. Although, I’m very happy about it, I’m sad, because I have no family. I want someone to call or send pictures to, but nobody is there.


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Walking off my anxiety #Anxiety

Gorgeous day outside high of 70 degrees. Since I started Caplyta I have had hypomania once and once I came down from it I been having anxiety and irritability. I decided to walk it off. I did 12,768 steps 97 minutes of exercise and 5.44 miles

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Hypomania or simply stressed out?

I’m concerned I am swinging into hypomania. It’s around 2am where I am and I can feel my body have that itch it has when it is hypomanic. I haven’t felt it in a long time. I haven’t been manic in 2 years… I’ve been on medications this whole time trying to prevent that from happening and now it may happen. (It’s mainly the psychosis we want to prevent)

I am hoping nothing bad happens. Here’s hoping I will go to sleep now alright! Or at least rest…


Psych appointment tomorrow #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PTSD #Possible #Bipolar2

I had my therapy appointment today. I told him that I have been very fatigued for the past 3 days. He said I crashed because of my hypomania. He called my psychiatrist and I got an appointment with her tomorrow. There was a cancellation so I took it. I did make a list of my symptoms for hypomania and my depression. I even try pointing out when it started.

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Walking and fatigued #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder possibly #Bipolar2

I went walking today but I was about to turn around and go back home. I decided to continue to walk because I am trying to beat my fatigue. Now that I am back home I took a shower and the fatigue is still there. I think this hypomania is taking a toll. My therapist told me about the crash that comes after hypomania. I got my Starbucks and I was reading while I was at the mall.

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No #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

So, I had my therapy appointment yesterday and he said he doesn’t see #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder he sees more #Bipolar2 . He did say he can’t diagnose me this his observation. The hypomania is off the charts I feel extremely high, extremely happy, wired and irritated. I still haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist yet. Yesterday I was very fatigued less energy my therapist said it’s called a crash. Last night I couldn’t sleep so I’m closely watching this.

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Walking #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

I had therapy today and we discussed my highs energy levels. I told him it has been going on for 2 weeks. He definitely thinks it’s hypomania. He called my psychiatrist during our session and told the receptionist that I was showing signs of hypomania and she does not want her meds raised. She will be in on Wednesday. Anyway I went on a walk got Starbucks it was buy one get one. I decided to get my friend a free drink of her choice. I did 14,736 steps, 95 minutes of exercise and 5.61 miles

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Feeling so confused and lost

I feel like I’ve never known how to properly “manage” myself. My mind has been a blur lately and I’ve just been going through the motions. I do that sometimes. I have #Bipolar2 and just recently am realizing something about myself that I never knew… I maybe on the #AutismSpectrumDisorder and I’m unsure how to process that? I’ve had a lot of change the last year and fell very unregulated. I’m trying to stop myself from going down into a hole but I’m not sure I’m going to be able to. I’m sleeping a lot on my days off and having a lot of trouble processing my thoughts and focusing. It’s been really hard for me to function lately. My #Anxiety is very high and I suffer from #CPTSD I recently got out of a physically abusive relationship well 6 months ago. The last 3 months have been a total blur. I was doing ok but then I’ve just been all over the place since. I’m exhausted trying to fight my mind. Trying to just be able to function. I feel like I can’t catch a break. My life isn’t bad I just can’t focus enough to process it. I go through periods like this where I just kinda exist and lose track of life passing me by. I struggle to even accept myself when I’m like this, let alone like myself. I just feel so “abnormal” it sucks. I can’t keep up. I fell apart in 2013 during my last year of college… I failed my senior year. I’m just realizing that the reason I fell apart may not have just been my on set of my bipolar disorder but the dealing with hypomania for the first time may not be the sole reason I “broke down” I’m now seeing it may have also been that I had been #Masking my autism and before the mania I was able to do that but after that I wasn’t able to successfully mask anymore and that’s why I couldn’t finish school and why my life started to fall apart. I’m feeling really lost right now and do not know what to do? I’m feeling really alone too. I can’t manage to keep friendships because it’s just to hard with all of my mental health conditions and now I’m realizing the autism may also be a reason I struggle so much with maintaining friendships as well. I’ve never been loved for who I am and that just really sucks. People make me feel like I was better before I “fell apart” in 2013. I always thought the #Bipolar2 was to blame but now that I’m realizing that the #Autism may have also been a factor I’m starting to think it’s not the bipolar disorder that people can’t accept, it’s the fact that they don’t like the real me. The unmasked me. The masked me was “together” I liked her but I haven’t been able to get back to that place since and I feel like no one has loved me for who I really am. This post 2013 me is who I’ve always been but everyone wants the masked me back. But that was never the real me to begin with. Maybe I can learn to love the real me and not want the old me back because that wasn’t the real me. Maybe if that’s how I finally look at it maybe I can make peace with who I am and not keep wanting to go back to the masked me? Because that was never real and being real is the way to truly live. If you’ve read this far thanks. I feel strange even posting this because I ended up almost journaling instead of writing a post but maybe writing this as a post for actual people to read maybe what I needed opposed to writing my thoughts in a journal no one will ever read. Maybe I finally had an ah ha moment? I need to stop doing what I’ve been internally doing for over a decade wanting to be the old together me because that me was the masked me not the real me and I haven’t gotten back there because she was never real and she isn’t where I’m meant to be. She served a purpose, a lot of me wishes I could have masked long enough to get my degree but that wasn’t meant to be either. I need to love the real me because there’s nothing wrong with her and she has worth and chasing after a masked version of myself is never going to make me happy. And if the people in my life want that girl/young woman back then they only accepted the masked me and that’s on them. Maybe I can finally start the journey on loving the real me which is the real thing that has been truly holding me back the last decade. Yes figuring out how to manage my bipolar disorder better will be helpful but knowing now that old me was a mask and a lie and not who I should want back because I’ll never be able to love who I really am if I’m chasing my masked self. That’s led to years and years of disappointment and is why I’ve never actually moved forward since. I’ve “survived” so to speak but have been stuck in the shadow of my former self thinking that where I needed to go but that’s the opposite direction I should be going. Knowing that now I can finally move forward and stop trying to chase an artificial version of myself. I was never suppose to put that mask back on I’m suppose to accept who I really am. No one has made me feel proud of the true version of myself and that has been heartbreaking but if I can learn to love and accept her maybe others can too. If they can’t that’s ok too. I can learn to better make peace with that too. Again if you’re still reading thanks I’m drowning on and on but just writing this has made a huge difference on where I was at mentally when I started to where I am now. Like I said before maybe my thoughts needed to be written in a way that was directed towards someone reading this instead of just a journal, to be able to get here to this place. Even if no one does read this I appreciate the mighty for giving me this outlet to express myself to people who I feel safe enough expressing it to. 🩷🩷

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Living with Bipolar 2 Disorder

Having suffered with symptoms of bipolar 2 disorder for over fifteen years, my hope in making this piece for See Change is to give people some understanding of how it feels in the different phases of this complex mental health illness. From the deep despair of the manic depressive stage to the idealistic highs of the hypomania, I will shine some light on the experience of going through these polar opposite states.

I will also compare these extreme states to the feeling of relief, balance and wellbeing that comes with being in recovery and the different ways, from my own experience, in which you can apply to your own life to help you attain this.

sharing these experiences are to give hope that no matter how long you are suffering with symptoms or how many times you have tried to recover, I am proof that not only is it possible to get your symptoms under control, and at a manageable level, but you can learn to live side by side with this challenging mental health illness, and with a bit of patience, trust and commitment to yourself, you can also have a thriving life and make your dreams come true.

During the depressive phases of my bipolar disorder I felt ..... for more see Living with Bipolar 2 Disorder by Cathy Shaw # #Bipolar2 #BipolarDisorder #BipolarIIDisorder #MentalIllness #MentalHealth

Living with Bipolar 2 Disorder by Cathy Shaw

Having suffered with symptoms of bipolar 2 disorder for over fifteen years, my hope in making this piece for See Change is to give people some understanding of how it feels in the different phases …
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A Hypomanic episode (a respectful approach to the subject)

This topic is silently on the increase. Survivals are embarrassed to have a conversation about it, and that'd where it all breaks down. ##Bipolar #Hypomania #Sex

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