Hypomania

So it’s been a few years, okay wait - a lifetime. Of “Oooh, and Ah Hah, and that makes sense” moments.

So Fucking what.

The Diagnosis 3 years ago doesn’t change anything. I’m still the same me, right?!

GIRL! Bless Your Heart. You are Mighty Wrong.

Yes, innately you may have always known, something was off and didn’t add up. You may have equipped it to your Childhood Trauma and fast forward blame it on your Trine Water Sign..but listen.

The Power is Now in Your Hands.

Let me Repeat….

The POWER is NOW in YOUR HANDS.

Hypomania, Depression, Dips and Dives, High and Low Tides..Diagnoses…ALL of it is in your full control.

Tale the Meds. It’s what they tell me. So I do and I don’t and I do again and don’t again.

Until, enough is enough.

I'm Worthy, Intelligent, Kind, Generous, Loyal, Responsible, Respectful, Patient, Spiritual, Artistic, Funny, Loving, Honest and MOST importantly AUTHENTIC.

Oh Sweet Authenticity…she always has my back.

Mostly, I’m tired of pretending to be “I’m good!” - when asked how are you, while experiencing my challenging days.

Mostly, I’m tired of pretending to be “Happy!” on my dip/low days.

Mostly, I’m tired of being “baseline” when consistent on my meds, all the while my body is craving a night out, cold Bourbons and bad decisions, lots of dance parties kinda night.

Mostly, I’m just tired. Tired of hiding my Authentic self.

#MentalHealth #mentalwellbeing #BipolarDisorder #authentic

I technically know I’ll get better meds eventually, maybe even very soon, but I’m really struggling today.
My psychiatrist prescribed me an atypical antipsychotic for agitation, and it helped so so much. I felt so grounded and calm and normal at work and productive at home. I stopped continuously listening to podcasts and playing video games. Most importantly, the intense feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin, or dysphoria, went away. I just liked being in my brain again.
I got to feel this way for like 4 days, and it gave me so much hope.

But I had to stop taking it because it gave me intense eye strain while driving to work, and I didn’t feel safe on my 40 min commute. I don’t know how to describe how tempting it was to take it anyways, but I know it’s a driving hazard, and not necessarily likely to go away. Changing dose or time of day didn’t help, so I stopped taking it.

Honestly coping skills don’t really feel worth it right now, when medication fixed 90% of the problem. Now that I’ve stopped there’s nothing I can do to make this buzzing, dysphoric feeling go away, only distract myself from it and keep functioning. Hopefully on Monday I can get in touch with my psychiatrist, and she’s willing to try something very similar.

Sorry this was a long post. I just really needed to vent. I dont have a super trusting relationship with my psychiatrist, because she keeps recommending antidepressants and doesn’t like to use the word bipolar with me. I understand because I probably don’t have bipolar I, and sometimes people with bipolar can take antidepressants, but it makes me worried. Our last session went better because I was able to describe the agitation and she completely understood it, but it’s still all new. The person who did my evaluation did diagnose me with unspecified bipolar, and I strongly agree with that diagnosis. I think my communication with that psychiatrist will improve with time, though.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I guess I just want validation for giving up on trying to make this feeling go away, when so far only medication (or sometimes time) makes it go away. I just hate being in my brain right now, and it has no connection to my thoughts or emotions at all. I’m just buzzing with “mild” distress, from as soon as I gain consciousness in the morning until I’m comepletely asleep at night, and I don’t even know how to share this kinda thing with coworkers and friends. #Hypomania #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth

I had a good therapy appointment today. He saw my hypomania in full force. I was talking a mile a minute wouldn’t let him get a word in edge wise. I kept saying I am Superman I can fly off the building and be free. I was serious about that too. I said I felt like Fred Astaire full of energy ready to dance in traffic. I just feel invincible like no one can touch me. I feel drawn to a river that I see on my walk. I just want to jump in even though I can’t swim. I was overly excited about the song knowing it was from my dad. Felt very wired couldn’t sit still. I told him my racing thoughts make me draw. I see or hear something I immediately have to draw it. In our session my thoughts felt like someone was changing the radio and all the songs were jumbling together. I was safe