anticipatorygrief

Care taking my mother for two years and so, ever since she had a stroke and her left leg and hand wouldn't work. Having lost my father(verbally n physically abusive father with whom I couldn't have a good closure, not understanding he was dying) before years ago, the pain of grief feels so scary! Already going through stress and worry about different things of my life, I often wonder if I will be able to handle it. I often distract myself, but today when I saw her pale, helpless face.. something broke inside me thinking about the inevitable. Financial issues hover over this situation, and I, being depressed for a long time, cannot help but feel helpless. I have felt this helplessness before, just last week! last time it stressed me so much! today. sadness! Though, didn't want to stay stuck there. Have been reading a book with tools to manage depression, maybe from there got the inspiration think about what I can do to make things a little better. While caretaking my difficult-to-handle mother, I often feel overwhelmed, frustrated, Irritated and whatnots. It gets too much at times. Today after so many years of not really praying to God, I asked God for some strength to go through it all, and It kinda works as well. While my modern mind doesn't let me believe in what has written in the holy book, I find solace and strength in his name. And while navigating through this difficult time, I am thinking about journalling each and every (even if small) achievement, with the hope that they will keep me going, inspire me, show me I can do it, or maybe even console in times of real grief, mourning and "Did I do my part?" moments.