family

The two weeks leading up to having to report to prison were two of the best weeks I had had in a long time. Don’t get me wrong, they were also the scariest weeks. These two weeks I was able to start to get something missing from my life for a while, that being family. I convinced my mom, her husband, and my father to have Thanksgiving at my house. No small feat as my mom always spends Thanksgiving and Christmas with my sister. I played my dad’s favorite video game, Zombie Army 4, with him. Even purchased downloadable content to give us extra missions to play. I got my mom to go to a drive thru Christmas light display at a local theme park and went out for McFlurries after. The night before I had to report my dad and I watched The Santa Clause tv show until I fell asleep on the couch.

While in prison I spent a lot of time thinking how I could recapture that magic. The magic of family. I devised a plan, invited everyone for one meal a month at my house and to go out to eat with everyone once a month. Since it would be summer when I get out, I would invite everyone for a cookout. I would go with my mom to Kentucky again to see the Ark Encounter, Creation Museum, and an aquarium. I felt I had it all figured out. While I was in prison, my dad and mom let it slip that they got me a Moon Pod for Christmas something I wanted. Everything felt like it was going to as close to perfect as it could be and would capture the magic of the two weeks before I had to report.

The day I was released felt like it was going to be the start of a new and better life, it was set, a cookout at my house and I would get my Christmas present, the Moon Pod. When I got home the Moon Pod was already there waiting for me in my bedroom. I had gotten all I could ask for. Family for a cookout and a Moon Pod. The significance of the Mood Pod was that people had told me it helps with depression and anxiety. When my mom and her husband arrived at my house, she informed me she got me additional presents. Additional presents amounted to a lot of stuff. Stuff I didn’t really need, but the gesture of showing me she cared was nice. She honestly probably spent a lot of money. A few days later we all went to Cracker Barrel for supper. Everything seemed to be starting to turn out just how I envisioned it. The new month and a half contained several more cookouts, going to Cracker Barrel, and a few get togethers at my house. The magic family was alive again in my life.

That all changed last week. My mom is accused of not paying for merchandise on the bottom of her cart by a local grocery store. She doesn’t want me to know, but naturally she told my father, and he told me. She has no intention to get a lawyer. No intention to fight. So naturally I am left to think the worst. I never wanted all the things she bought me. If she is having money issues and that is the reason for her actions. All I wanted when I got out was the magic of family. I didn’t mean to make her feel like she had to buy me a ton of things for Christmas, family is all I truly wanted. Before this happened, I would get a ton of calls every day from her, now I get none. Before this happened, she would come into my work and talk for a bit after she got done at work every day, now she comes into give me receipts to scan into an app and says I have to go. I want her to use the money she saved for vacation and get a lawyer. I wish I had known she was buying me so much so I could have told her no. I wish I could have the family magic I was able to capture, but I fear that magic is gone forever. I feel responsible for the possible had decision she made. Now I feel broken and responsible for a past decision of someone else. I will always support my mom no matter what, as she supported me through my trouble.

bipolartater.com/july-25-2023

#Family #MentalHealth #struggling #struggle

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I don’t get it. Why do I still have these freaking dreams when my mom is mentally abusive and I end up getting into an argument with her?

She’s not even like this anymore. She’s not even overly jealous of me and my dad anymore, she’s improved so much and I love her now. Is it because I still live with her, or because she’s been toxic to me most of my life, or because of my youngest nephew (a kid) being on summer break and can get me overstimulated (especially when conflicts due to him being loud and active can come up)? Am I cursed to having these dreams for the rest of my life???

It’s so annoying… it makes me sad because she’s not even like this anymore… she’s fine…

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #SocialAnxiety #Anxiety #mentalabuse #Family #dreams #StressDream #Abuse #Trauma

The more i think about it, the more living in the same city has my cousins sounds good to me. It be cool to live on your own, but have some family you can stand around you. I much rather do that, then live in a group home here. Nothing wrong living in one, I just don't think it be for me. I wouldn't feel comfortable. I like being around people, but also like my space.

I think everybody least has some family or a friend that was hard to handle. Or even family you don't click with? #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #Family

Summer started with my first vacation since before the Pandemic. My vacation was an adventure to the NW Coast where I have never been before. I love to travel by myself and take time to explore. I came back home refreshed and feeling strong.

A week ago, I got poison Ivy while working in my garden. It was on my eyelids and nose. My doctor gave me Prednisone. The good thing is, it cleared the rash up quickly. The bad thing is, Prednisone sparks depression in me. I deal with anxiety and depression anyway on a regular basis, but this episode has really knocked me down.

It makes me think about family issues that I thought I’d set aside. It makes me think about losing my Mom 2 years ago. It makes me think about the horrible accident my Dad was in last year at this time. It reminds me I’m alone. It makes me think of all the mistakes I’ve made in life. It reminds me of all the times I’ve been mocked for who I am. It makes me remember how I once trusted people and how those people let me down. I don’t trust anyone anymore.

I keep telling myself it’s just the medication still in my body that is doing this to me, but I’m having a tough time getting over this and all the bad thoughts it brings to my mind. I don’t want to do anything but sit. And tonight I am having a tough time sleeping. Failure is blocking my eyes. #Depression aggravated by Prednisone #feel all my failings #all alone #Family mocks my mental health

I try not to burden others, but when you have lost all hope and there is nothing else you can do... No one cares and all they do it HATE you for all you do, say and live. What am I supposed to do? People always say there is help, but there is not. People who are supposed to be trained to help others who have the knowledge and know how choose not too. What is a person to do when all hope is lost and there is nothing left? I can't stop nor get past this pain. There is nothing left in this life anymore... The only Love I felt has long gone.

My mom calling my dad an Effing Coward, them calling each other names my mom especially putting him now, sister and mom fighting, me and my mom lately not getting along either or avoiding each other. It’s a little hard.

#struggling #dysfunctional #Toxic #hard #Family #help #Relationships #boundaries #BadDay