family

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I’m so sick of the common trope seen in media like many TV shows and games that portray teens as “they think they can do whatever they want”, as folks with an attitude, or as folks who just talk back to their parent(s). I’m 20 1/2 years old, I don’t have kids or teens, but even I know that this is bullcrap.

Please listen to teenagers, and for goodness sake, do not assume that them defending themselves or standing up for themselves is the pure same thing as having an attitude (my mother always made that same mistake when she used to be mentally abusive)!

Especially if they’re not fully straight/heterosexual, if they’re transgender/non-binary/genderqueer/etc., polyamorous or non-monogamous, struggling with or identifying as a part of anything else that’s outside the societal norm, struggling with illnesses, struggling with neurodivergence/disabilities, or struggling with mental health and/or trauma. Please, I beg you. Don’t ignore them or excuse them for these ignorant stereotypes!

#TeenagersDeserveBetter #Family #psa #MentalHealth #Teen #teenager #teenmentalhealth #LGBTQIA #listen #misrepresentation #Anxiety #Trauma #misunderstood #Stereotypes

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My nephews are home again today, and because my autism hates it for some reason (because of external stimuli and being overstimulated), I’m leaving. Again.

Pros:
- Finding a quiet space

Cons:
- Potentially being misgendered as someone who’s not non-binary (especially being misgendered as a girl)
- One of my triggers are the words c/v/d-19 (o, i), p/nd/mic (a, e), and q//r/ntine (ua, i) ⚠️(please, please, no one say these words in the comments 🙏🏽) ⚠️, and UNFORTUNATELY it’s pretty common in advertisements (which are almost freaking everywhere - thanks America /sarc) and I can’t even look at advertisements or even the outside world anymore since 2020. Once I accidentally look at a post or whatever (because I do that often) and one of those words appear, there goes my mood. It’s happened twice the last time I went out.

But I feel like I have nowhere else to go but outside in order to not feel overstimulated. This is ridiculous.

#fml #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Family #why #whatdoido

I've heard it all, they're your family you need to love them. They're your family, they don't mean it. On and on it goes. Unless you've come from a toxic family like myself I feel like people won't understand. It took me a long time to label my experiences as abuse and I guess this was because I kept comparing my experiences to that of others. My experiences with abuse weren't particularly violent so I didn't think I was abused. Now I know that I was, just because I was never hit doesn't mean that I was not abused. Words are just as damaging as physical abuse and I know firsthand the impact of cruel words. It took me a while to label the emotional abuse as emotional abuse. Some of the consequences I live with include PTSD, trouble understanding and regulating my emotions, trouble opening up, trouble trusting and trouble relating to others that weren't abused.

I'm trying really hard to heal those aspects of myself but the anger I feel at having been emotionally abused doesn't compare to the shame I feel from being sexually abused and sexually assaulted. Sometimes I drown in the shame. Because it was family that abused me, I bristle when asked about my family. Why don't you talk to them? Why don't you see them? I don't feel like getting into it so I just say it's complicated. Yet people want details. Bringing up family brings up painful memories and feelings.

I recently came to the realization that they are truly bad people. Doesn't matter who they are. This realization breaks my heart and I cried so much after learning that. I don't miss them and what they did but I do struggle with wishing things were different. I have been in therapy for 3 years and have accomplished a lot but I still have a long way to go. So please respect my desire to not talk about them. That's all I ask. And yet people don't get it. No, I don't love them anymore and no I don't want to see them. I need my space to heal and grow. That's what I need right now.

#SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Healing

Whenever I think of a place I've been or a place I'd like to revisit I become overcome with sadness and anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety is so bad that I get triggered (where I struggle to breathe). For example, there is a theatre that I like to go to that I used to go to with my family. I would like to revisit it but I'm also afraid of getting triggered in public.

Through therapy I have found out that it is not the places that I am avoiding. It's the memories associated with those places. Even if I just see pictures of certain places my mind and emotions start to spiral. I so badly want to do a lot of things but now being aware that my family (who abused me) took me to those places makes it really hard. The times that weren't so bad in between the abusive times were times when we would go out and do stuff.

How do I overcome my fear of being triggered in public if I do decide to visit these places? In therapy we have talked about ways to stop the emotional spiraling but it still happens. I guess I should just let it happen sometimes. Thanks for reading. I believe in all of you.

#Childhoodtrauma #PTSD #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Trauma #triggers #Memories #Family

I'm often told that I'm too loyal. That I try to help people to a fault. I suppose the it was the same with my abusers. I tried so hard to understand them, to save them from themselves and whatever they were running from. It hits much harder when the abusers are family members. As a child I was trapped and was forced to endure years of sexual and emotional abuse. Still I strove to see the good in them, or so I thought there was good in them. I partially blame myself because maybe if I hadn't seen them the way I wanted to see them and instead saw them for who they are, maybe I wouldn't struggle so much.

Then it hit me one day, no matter what illusion I had created the facts were clear: Families do not abuse, lie, manipulate and keep secrets. They don't pretend to keep up appearances either. Yet, growing up that is all I knew. Even into my adulthood before I spoke up I lived as if I was a child.

I try not to be so hard on myself because as a child my options were limited, it wasn't my fault my family wasn't healthy. Now things that didn't use to haunt me, do. I still lock up and freeze during confrontation or I give in. Two things I wish I didn't do. Despite being in therapy for 4 years I still have a lot to work through and a lot to learn. One thing I have learned however is this: You cannot save people, even if your intentions are good. I cried for days after learning this. I suppose the reason I wanted to say them was because I wanted to be seen, loved, heard and validated. I just thought that if I worked a little harder or did better that I could make them stop their abuse, I could make them better people. Sad thing is, I can't do that. People won't change unless they want to-including family. I now how to redefine family for myself. Slowly I am learning that even though there were good times in between the abuse that the abuse still occurred. Slowly I am learning a lot of things that will help me heal completely. As heartbreaking as that lesson was for me, it really opened my eyes. I cannot make them do what I want. I cannot make them apologize. I cannot make them see they were wrong. All I can do is move on and do the best I can. Live the life I create for myself and continue to heal, learn and grow. Thank you for allowing me to share this with all of you. As always, stay safe and reach out if you need to. We are here for each other.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Family #ChildhoodAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Hope #Healing #Lessons #Life

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I bet the nephews are home today (again 😞) because of President’s Day. I can’t even get some dang peace and quiet in this dang house, not even a full week anymore, so I’m leaving out this dang house (again. Seriously, I just wanted to relax today 😞😞).

And what’s so good about the damn day anyway? I mean I get that they run everything and all, and Biden’s better in other ways than our last horrible good-for-nothing president, but he refuses to defund the police even though he believes in Black Lives Matter, he’s pro-Israel, I’ve heard he once thought to make homelessness illegal, etc.

Also, our government just plain sucks, they can’t see that non-binary identities exist (until like 2025), 1000% of the time I always get misgendered by higher authority (which pains me a lot inside), I got taken off of social security because they seriously thought that I can work no problem (which, I’ve said plenty of times, I cannot for a vast multitude of reasons) and had to face my autism being called a disability throughout the entire time (which I despise), the list can go on and on. This is the entire reason I’m an anarchist, can’t we just depend on ourselves for our rights instead of the government who barely even knows you? /rh

#Autism #Anxiety #Family #unfair #President #nonbinary #sad #overstimulated

I feel,
Within,
A silent yet raging sea-
A boiling pot brimming,
My dancing loon of a heart trips about upon a craggy cliff.

And it is at these times I feel a lack,
That alien void,
The dark wonder that creeps along my spine,

Is there anyone,
Anywhere,
With a soul close to mine.

#Poetry #Loneliness #alone #boundaries #Friends #Family

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This is starting to get on my nerves.

Can’t I just have a full week of quiet when my nephews are at school? Like how it’s - supposed - to be?? My youngest nephew had a fever and had to stay home for three days, so it doesn’t count, I’m disregarding that (please nobody mention the other virus name, it’s a trigger to me). But why are they always home on a Friday now??

But if next week doesn’t happen, I’m going to go crazy. I just wanted a - full - week of more quiet time, Monday to Friday. And it hasn’t happened since the middle of last month, and it freaking irritates me. And no, there’s absolutely nothing my sister can do about it. I just have to wish to move out of here faster. This is freaking bothering me. Why does this have to happen????

I’m so sick of listening to that same YouTuber in the living room background who I don’t even fucking like (because they said the r slur twice one time, and yes I know that you can still enjoy the content without supporting the creator or their actions/beliefs, it exists. That’s my oldest nephew’s situation. But ugh, I couldn’t even do that).

I just want to walk out of my room without worrying to put on headphones every single time. Can’t that just happen more often?!

#Autism #Anxiety #sad #Family #School #ijustwantedsomequiettime #fml #overstimulated

I spoke with my mom about the fibromyalgia. I wanted to know if she knew and understood what I was going through. Sadly she doesn't, however she did experience it with my granddad. She as everyone thinks, it's all in you head. Currently I'm pregnant so she is recommending listening to the doctor to protect my son. And she says to stop stressing. Sometimes I wish I knew who to talk to when I feel like this. At least today is not a bad day 😌

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I’m leaving out the house today. How long will my nephews be at home? Is there some school break that I don’t know about?

But I used to go to that same middle school both of my nephews do, and breaks never usually happened during this time of year.

This is getting ridiculous. I NEED my QUIET time!! Why can’t it never freaking happen in this household?? 😞

Why am I genuinely sad? /rh

#Autism #whyme #Anxiety #Family #sad