Day Two: I may have cracked the code on myself.
After the long awaited apology, I had this feeling inside of me that unfazed. Later on that night, I felt a heaviness in my chest. It was the discomfort of the notion that the “negative normal “ might be setting in again. My mind began to think about the other relationships I’ve had with people from my past. I found that I still had anger towards them, even though I no longer wanted anything from them. Everything within me since then has been conflicting. I want all of what a healthy relationship is supposed to be, but I avoid it to protect myself from that person who could possibly leave me. I finally came across a list of different kinds of attachment styles. I think I’m more on the anxious attachment side, but I do identify with disorganized attachment. Too much disappointment has really changed me in a sense that I do feel a double cemented wall within me. I still feel all of my emotions deeply: I’m just too hurt, too angry, and the last thing that I want is to expose myself to anyone again and be abandoned by them because that in itself feels both emotionally and physically painful. Like third degree burns type of pain. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #anxiousattatchment #FearOfAbandonment