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Day Two: I may have cracked the code on myself.

After the long awaited apology, I had this feeling inside of me that unfazed. Later on that night, I felt a heaviness in my chest. It was the discomfort of the notion that the “negative normal “ might be setting in again. My mind began to think about the other relationships I’ve had with people from my past. I found that I still had anger towards them, even though I no longer wanted anything from them. Everything within me since then has been conflicting. I want all of what a healthy relationship is supposed to be, but I avoid it to protect myself from that person who could possibly leave me. I finally came across a list of different kinds of attachment styles. I think I’m more on the anxious attachment side, but I do identify with disorganized attachment. Too much disappointment has really changed me in a sense that I do feel a double cemented wall within me. I still feel all of my emotions deeply: I’m just too hurt, too angry, and the last thing that I want is to expose myself to anyone again and be abandoned by them because that in itself feels both emotionally and physically painful. Like third degree burns type of pain. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #anxiousattatchment #FearOfAbandonment

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Anxious attachment - my friend

I have a wonderful friend. They are so patient and kind. They listen to me and care about me. I’m grateful to have them in my life.

A little over a week ago they said they were going through a hard time. They said they need space. Every few days I would send them a text to remind them that I’m thinking about them, and that I care. I’m the blue bubbles. Recently I realized that I may have crossed a boundary with them.. because they said they needed space and I texted them a few times.

They didn’t answer which is okay, I understand they might not want to chat right now. But I just wanted to let them know I’m here for them if they want to talk.

My anxiety has convinced me I ruined the friendship by crossing their boundary. I have anxious attachment, I fear them leaving me. I feel like I’m too much for people to handle. I seek reassurance from them if I think I said something that may have made them upset with me. I worry excessively about our friendship and worry I’ll ruin it somehow.. I have therapy tomorrow and I’m going to talk about it. Can anyone help me? #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Depression #CPTSD #PTSD #CheckInWithMe #anxiousattatchment