fear of abandonment

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    The deeper issue of the matter

    Today, I was having the hardest time after all that has happened yesterday. Normally I wouldn’t get totally upset over the fall through of plans, but today, my chest was all kinds of heavy. I finally got to the bottom of it all and the big reason why I was in disarray was that my abandonment wound was triggered. After talking it out, the sadness changed to anger. I made plans for the future week if things fail. But I want to be honest, I want a do over. I want to start over in a different place and find new places and new friends. For the most of the time, I have been blaming myself for a lot of the decisions I made with old friends. It makes me want to give up on people. I do have future plans for myself, this is one of them times where I just want people to forget who I am. I really, really want a do over on life. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FearOfAbandonment


    Day Two: I may have cracked the code on myself.

    After the long awaited apology, I had this feeling inside of me that unfazed. Later on that night, I felt a heaviness in my chest. It was the discomfort of the notion that the “negative normal “ might be setting in again. My mind began to think about the other relationships I’ve had with people from my past. I found that I still had anger towards them, even though I no longer wanted anything from them. Everything within me since then has been conflicting. I want all of what a healthy relationship is supposed to be, but I avoid it to protect myself from that person who could possibly leave me. I finally came across a list of different kinds of attachment styles. I think I’m more on the anxious attachment side, but I do identify with disorganized attachment. Too much disappointment has really changed me in a sense that I do feel a double cemented wall within me. I still feel all of my emotions deeply: I’m just too hurt, too angry, and the last thing that I want is to expose myself to anyone again and be abandoned by them because that in itself feels both emotionally and physically painful. Like third degree burns type of pain. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #anxiousattatchment #FearOfAbandonment


    Anxious Attachments, FPs, & Being Too Reactive

    I'm having issues with getting too attached to people, even when I think I'm not.

    I suppose I do tend to "favourite" certain people. It's not fun.

    They usually tend to be very emotionally unavailable.

    If someone tells me that they're busy all the time, it makes me think I'm a nuisance and should just leave them alone.

    I have minor examples of "splitting" them as well.

    I don't usually lash out, but I say very passive-aggressive things that I later regret. It's always rooted in me feeling like I'm an annoyance.

    I just came out of a very strong anxious attachment to someone earlier in the year.

    I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The lows are so agonizing that the highs aren't worth the pain.

    #DependentPersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #Anxiousattachment #FearOfAbandonment #personalitydisorder #Favouriteperson

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    I’m Still Here

    Lately I’ve been sluggish, and it’s more than just recovering from Covid. May is a heavy month, full of painful anniversaries. It’s also a month of release, when my workload decreases and I can relax somewhat. It’s the start of a time for reflection, re-evaluation, reenenergizing, and renewal of hope. Sometimes I wake up and the fact that I’m still here is overwhelming. It’s my duty to myself and everyone around me to turn that around. I’m still here, and the question I need to ask myself every morning is, “What good will I do with this day?”

    #HumanTrafficking #Torture #Abuse #FearOfAbandonment #Shame #PTSD #CPTSD #Anxiety #Depression #Survivor #Fibromyalgia #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease

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    Nowhere to go from here

    My wife just blew up at me. We need to communicate better, she said. She has a habit of telling me what negative thoughts I am thinking and feeling, and then adding, "well am I wrong?" to it. This is years in the making. Essentially, it happens when she asks me a question or tells me about something, and my tone of voice sounds negative to her, or my face or body language looks negative.

    I have chronic pain as well as deep depression, so it is difficult for me to convincingly put on a happy face, or speak with joy in my voice. But I do try my best to speak in neutral tones at the very least, and I have thought that I have a resting face of a neutral mood or higher as much as possible.

    It has been building for a long time. I am struck out of the blue most times when she tells me what I am thinking, and how unfair that is, and paints me as the bad guy and her as the innocent one. In the early days, it would just shock me, and sometimes confuse me. In the last couple of years, it just makes me angry and defensive. We've had plenty of arguments about it, but no agreement. She doesn't see it as mind reading because she says "I 'feel like' you were disgusted by what I just said, and you shouldn't be", or "I 'feel' that you think I'm stupid just because I did X, or Y". She says since she uses the word "feel", she isn't mind reading, and so it's up to me to tell her if she's right or wrong. Well, I have been telling her she's wrong for over 40 years now, and that only makes her angry and defensive. I told her time and again that I get mad when people try to read my mind and put words into my mouth. I tell her to skip saying the part about what she is so sure that I am thinking, and just ASK ME what I am thinking, instead. Ninety percent of the time, I am not only NOT thinking what she thinks I am, but I am thinking about some other subject altogether. Then when she accuses me of thinking some negative thing, it hits me out of the blue, and I register it as an insult. I asked her why she can't just ASK me what I am thinking, or ask me how I am feeling. I would welcome both of those if they were honest questions. I would feel like I was cared about. That makes perfect sense to me, but she doesn't see it that way. She says that she's just being honest, and that she IS asking me how I feel, or what I am thinking, when she tells me what she feels like I am thinking. We can't get past that. So she got louder and more accusatory, and then angrily walked out.

    I don't know what to do. I am battling Major Depressive Disorder, CPTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and severe Chronic Pain. I am doing the very best that I can. I am on disability, and I fill my days and evenings reading books on my various diagnoses, learning as much as I can, so that I can better control, or adapt, or adjust to the reality of my life, and I do feel good about that. I have tried to share some of this with her, both verbally, and by sharing articles with her via email. She seems stand-offish about it, at best. When I ask her outright if she wants to learn more, she swears she does, but she has a life, therefore she just doesn't have the time or energy to read much about it. I told her a few minutes ago that I will stop burdening her with it, and will stop sending her articles and such. She rebuffed that idea, but added again that she just doesn't have the time. She said she is doing the best that she can in trying to deal with all my problems, and she doesn't have the energy or the will to do it any more. She's "had it."

    She came back and brought up another time recently that I was unreasonable, saying that she had told me something about her job, and I had reacted with sarcasm and disgust. I remember it well. It was just the opposite. She told me that her employer was giving $50 bonuses to anyone who got a Covid booster shot, and I responded "wow, that must be nice. Go ahead and do that." She and I both agree that that's all that I said. But she says I was being sarcastic, and spit the words out like venom, and I thought it was disgusting. I remember calmly saying those words, genuinely happy for her to get $50 just for getting a shot that we both were going to get anyway. The difference, more than likely, was the fact that during the time that she was unwinding after work and telling me bonus, as well as about the rest of her day, I was in a pit of depression, and I was in a ton of physical pain from my legs and my back. I know that had to have affected the tone of my voice, the look on my face, and my body language. But I don't talk about the pain, because it would sound whiney and redundant. I was just sitting there listening to her, and I thought I answered appropriately and honestly. Anyway, that night, after I had answered her, she responded by telling me what (she believed) I was thinking and feeling, and she wanted to know what my response was. My response was "that's not an argument I am willing to have right now." To me, I was angry that "it" was happening again, and I could argue about it like so many times before, or I could choose not to. I chose not to argue. To her, I had just insulted her, and said she isn't worth arguing with, and since I had not argued, then what she had thought about me must indeed be true.

    If (and when) she "reads my mind" again, and assigns various negative thoughts and feelings to me, we could bypass all of this trouble if she could just hold those 'mind-read thoughts' inside, and just ask me two simple questions, instead. First, "how are you feeling?" And second, "what are you tinking." I will gladly and honestly answer her. But I just can't take any more veritable accusations for thinking and feeling certain ways, and then be expected to explain or defend myself, meanwhile letting it roll off me like water off of a duck's back. It's not an argument I'm having anymore.

    Thanks for listening.

    #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #ADHD #Autism #BodyFocusedRepetitiveBehaviors #PathologicalDemandAvoidanceSyndrome #AutismSpectrumDisorders #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD #ASD #anhedonia #ChronicDepression #ChronicPain #SpinalStenosis #GAD #Sadness #CombinedPresentationADHD #SmilingDepression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disability #MentalHealth #Insomnia #DiabetesType2 #Diabetes #Asthma #Hypertension #Hypervigilance #nerveandjointpain #HearingLoss #Grief #generationaltrauma #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #TraumaRecovery #Trauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #MedicalTrauma #IntergenerationalTrauma #Trauma #SexualTrauma #traumasurvivor #Survivor #EmotionalAbuse #ChiildhoodSexualAbuse #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #PTSD #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #ChildhoodAbuse #ReactiveAttachmentDisorder #RAD #attachment #Childhoodneglect #attachmentdisorder #ChildAbuseandNeglect #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #Suicide #SuicideLossSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #PassiveSuicidalIdeation #suicidal #Depression #MajorDepression


    Anxiety Attacks Affecting My Job Performance

    I received a poor work review for the first time ever (I work at a library).

    My anxiety attacks/splitting episodes are getting far too frequent and noticeable.

    I've booked an emergency appointment with a different therapist while I wait to see my current one (on the 9th of March).

    I can't go on doing what I'm doing.

    I'm definitely catastrophizing a lot. I'm constantly afraid that one small slip up will get me fired, even though logically I know that isn't the truth.

    I feel stuck at home, too.

    I've also been battling fears of abandonment and thoughts that no-one likes me elsewhere.
    #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #FearOfAbandonment


    I’m Surprised, But I’m Not Sad

    Today, I saw that my former favorite person had deleted his instagram account. At first, I was shocked because even though I left him alone after he hurt me, he would still look at my stories and like my posts. When he would leave from time to time, it hurt so much. I decided to distance myself after I saw him leave with another girl that he was trying to get first. At the time, my mental health took a real dive and I was already considering offing myself and that pushed it over the edge. With time, and therapy, I got down to some of the issues I was having, including my dreams. In those dreams, he resembled my issues with abandonment (ironically). Time has past since then and I haven’t seen him in over a year. And for some odd reason, in one of my recent dreams, my mind made up the idea that he had moved away to Argentina under mysterious circumstances (why? I don’t know). I really liked the guy and I really wanted him to be apart of my life, but as the saying goes:”Human rejection is God’s protection.” #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FearOfAbandonment #Relationships #Rejection


    Fears Of Abandonment - Low Self-worth #

    I had just posted something similar earlier, and it disappeared.

    I keep posting about fears of abandonment, but they drive me up the wall sometimes.

    I often feel a mix of resentment, panic, and feelings of unworthiness.
    #Anxiety #FearOfAbandonment #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder


    Fears Of Abandonment

    I find that fears of abandonment are happening with me a lot lately.

    I always resent it when I think someone is going to ditch me.

    It's scary and beyond anxiety-inducing.

    The anxiety is produces gets tiresome after a while. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #FearOfAbandonment