fear of abandonment

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fear of abandonment
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    Are all relationships going to be this way?

    I had my assessment tests today which I skipped. I called my person for support but they didn't pick up so i called my friend instead. And when my person finally calls me back and all i remember from that conversation is - 'go give your test or don't bother calling me today', which fired up my flight response. The last time my flight response triggered was when we were starting to become more serious and i broke up with them, saying horrible things to make them hate me. The next traumatic situation was where they put up an either/or situation - 'if you leave now it means we're breaking up'. I don't want to choose between two things anymore. When it was out up again today, i emotionally shut down and send them misleading texts, purposely calling them and being oblivious to what i have done wrong. Is this normal? This cycle of pushing people away and regretting it later? One day everyone will just get tired and leave me, with no chance of being back. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Splitting #FearOfAbandonment

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    Living in a home with so many invisible illnesses.

    In my home we have a shopping list of invisible illnesses, and they are nearly impossible to manage all at once.
    The Ringleader (me) suffers from some sort of metabolic disorder that is going undiagnosed, an ongoing epileptic disorder that is going undiagnosed, C-PTSD, PMDD, Social Anxiety, Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Asthma, Migraines, joint pain, bulging disc's in the back, Auditory Processing Disorder, and Executive Function Disorder
    The Circus Bear (my husband) has C-PTSD, DID, Anxiety, undiagnosed arthritic joint pain in knees, right elbow, and back, Seasonal Affective Disorder, and withdraws from society as a response to Suicidal ideation, Post-Traumatic Arthritis.
    The Unicorn (daughter) has C-PTSD, fear of abandonment, Generalized Anxiety, Clinical Depression with self harm, Anorexia, and a profound sense of justice/injustice, if you betray her, are a hypocrit, or break a promise, you are dead to her.
    The Fire Drake and Ice Dragon (son) is Autistic, has severe suicidal depression, especially when bullied at school, Social Anxiety, Executive Function Disorder, C-PTSD, all negative emotions start as anger
    Finally, The Weeping Willow Dryad (mom) C-PTSD, Has endured 2 back surgeries that failed, chronic pain, Agoraphobia, Skleroderma, Raynauds, Rheumatoid Arthritis in her hands, Osteoarthritis in back and knees, Social Anxiety, Clinical Depression, and an emotional reactive disorder that has gone undiagnosed.
    As Ringleader I am in charge of making sure everyone takes their medications, at least tries to get to some sort of therapy, drive everyone to appointments, physical and mental. Know everyone's favorite foods, cycles of physical and emotional needs, understand who is feeling ill when. Get all meds for everyone from the pharmacy. Attend 90% of appointments. Get food for everyone, that they like. Listen to the complaints of every single one of them.
    When I finally speak about the negative behavior that is effecting people in the household, I get attitude.
    From screaming, to blowing the comment out of proportion.
    If I say "please stop answering people for me"
    I get "I will never talk again, you never have to hear my voice ever again"
    If I schedule a much needed test on the wrong day, I get guilty about it.
    If I say "I would have done _____"
    I am accused of telling people how they did it wrong.
    I am trying to manage my home and the people in it.
    All I really want to do is run away.
    I dream of tropical places, and travel, and being responsible only for myself.
    I feel like I am holding the whole place together, and without me no one will be able to function. This has been proven many times.
    I am so tired, so empty, burned out.
    The light I have always had is getting dimmer and dimmer, and I lost so many people because I had to protect myself from them in order to manage my home.
    I know this is all a ramble...rant, maybe none of it makes sense.
    I just needed to let it out somewhere.
    #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #BipolarDepression #ChronicDepression #Anorexia #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FearOfAbandonment #Autism #Agoraphobia #SocialAnxiety #ExecutiveFunctionDisorder #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #PMDD #TemporalLobeEpilepsy #Epilepsy #SeasonalAffectiveDisorder #EatingDisorders #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Arthritis #Skleroderma #RaynaudsDisease #ChronicHeadaches #ChronicMigraines #InvisibleIllness

    12 reactions 1 comment

    The more I think and understand...

    Over the last few days, I've realized that I had people, but they didn't have me. Looking back at certain connections, I noticed that they were just that: connections that served there purpose for a time. Sitting with the fact that my unrequited love for the last couple of people ended with abandonment and not just an empty void of no closure made my chest hurt. I never fully saw that I was truly alone until recently. I don't even have my own family in my corner at times it feels like. Sometimes, I don't mind it because I've accomplished a number of things alone, but there are times where I find that I have to work harder for what I want/ have while others don't seem to do so much. And on top of that, the whenever someone actually shows that they are trying to make an effort to get to know me, I find myself detaching mentally, feeling both flattered and disgusted. It sucks. Especially when you really wanted to find your people and they remind you in subtle ways that you don't fit or you meet genuine people who want you around and you don't fully accept it because you think they are gonna leave you too. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Relationships #FearOfAbandonment #FamilyAndFriends

    4 reactions

    Can fear of abandonment go away?

    I don’t want to leave like this forever. Even “normal” days are too hard. This enormous emptiness, this endless craving.. they are too painful and I feel so miserable all the time. I’m ready to try and get better and I have a good life and an amazing therapist that make me hope for a better future. But I NEED to know things will change. I can’t fight without purpose, just for surviving. I’ve done that all my life, I don’t wanna do it anymore. I want these feelings to go away. I want heal. Is it even possible? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FearOfAbandonment

    3 reactions 2 comments

    Mind Blowing Moment

    I knew that I had this fear about relationships, but it wasn't until yesterday that I realized how bad that fear was. I've noticed that whenever I see a group of men my age or just see them in passing in general, my LITERAL thought is "No". I'm so afraid of letting myself be vulnerable, that the idea of my abandonment wounds being ripped open is too much for me to deal with. I find the idea of love both wonderful and repulsive. It's painful to know that I'd rather push everyone away so I can't feel rejection again. I think that allowing myself to become hard to love took its toll. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Relationships #FearOfAbandonment

    10 reactions 1 comment

    The deeper issue of the matter

    Today, I was having the hardest time after all that has happened yesterday. Normally I wouldn’t get totally upset over the fall through of plans, but today, my chest was all kinds of heavy. I finally got to the bottom of it all and the big reason why I was in disarray was that my abandonment wound was triggered. After talking it out, the sadness changed to anger. I made plans for the future week if things fail. But I want to be honest, I want a do over. I want to start over in a different place and find new places and new friends. For the most of the time, I have been blaming myself for a lot of the decisions I made with old friends. It makes me want to give up on people. I do have future plans for myself, this is one of them times where I just want people to forget who I am. I really, really want a do over on life. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FearOfAbandonment

    1 reaction 3 comments

    Day Two: I may have cracked the code on myself.

    After the long awaited apology, I had this feeling inside of me that unfazed. Later on that night, I felt a heaviness in my chest. It was the discomfort of the notion that the “negative normal “ might be setting in again. My mind began to think about the other relationships I’ve had with people from my past. I found that I still had anger towards them, even though I no longer wanted anything from them. Everything within me since then has been conflicting. I want all of what a healthy relationship is supposed to be, but I avoid it to protect myself from that person who could possibly leave me. I finally came across a list of different kinds of attachment styles. I think I’m more on the anxious attachment side, but I do identify with disorganized attachment. Too much disappointment has really changed me in a sense that I do feel a double cemented wall within me. I still feel all of my emotions deeply: I’m just too hurt, too angry, and the last thing that I want is to expose myself to anyone again and be abandoned by them because that in itself feels both emotionally and physically painful. Like third degree burns type of pain. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #anxiousattatchment #FearOfAbandonment


    Anxious Attachments, FPs, & Being Too Reactive

    I'm having issues with getting too attached to people, even when I think I'm not.

    I suppose I do tend to "favourite" certain people. It's not fun.

    They usually tend to be very emotionally unavailable.

    If someone tells me that they're busy all the time, it makes me think I'm a nuisance and should just leave them alone.

    I have minor examples of "splitting" them as well.

    I don't usually lash out, but I say very passive-aggressive things that I later regret. It's always rooted in me feeling like I'm an annoyance.

    I just came out of a very strong anxious attachment to someone earlier in the year.

    I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The lows are so agonizing that the highs aren't worth the pain.

    #DependentPersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #Anxiousattachment #FearOfAbandonment #personalitydisorder #Favouriteperson

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    I’m Still Here

    Lately I’ve been sluggish, and it’s more than just recovering from Covid. May is a heavy month, full of painful anniversaries. It’s also a month of release, when my workload decreases and I can relax somewhat. It’s the start of a time for reflection, re-evaluation, reenenergizing, and renewal of hope. Sometimes I wake up and the fact that I’m still here is overwhelming. It’s my duty to myself and everyone around me to turn that around. I’m still here, and the question I need to ask myself every morning is, “What good will I do with this day?”

    #HumanTrafficking #Torture #Abuse #FearOfAbandonment #Shame #PTSD #CPTSD #Anxiety #Depression #Survivor #Fibromyalgia #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease

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    Nowhere to go from here

    My wife just blew up at me. We need to communicate better, she said. She has a habit of telling me what negative thoughts I am thinking and feeling, and then adding, "well am I wrong?" to it. This is years in the making. Essentially, it happens when she asks me a question or tells me about something, and my tone of voice sounds negative to her, or my face or body language looks negative.

    I have chronic pain as well as deep depression, so it is difficult for me to convincingly put on a happy face, or speak with joy in my voice. But I do try my best to speak in neutral tones at the very least, and I have thought that I have a resting face of a neutral mood or higher as much as possible.

    It has been building for a long time. I am struck out of the blue most times when she tells me what I am thinking, and how unfair that is, and paints me as the bad guy and her as the innocent one. In the early days, it would just shock me, and sometimes confuse me. In the last couple of years, it just makes me angry and defensive. We've had plenty of arguments about it, but no agreement. She doesn't see it as mind reading because she says "I 'feel like' you were disgusted by what I just said, and you shouldn't be", or "I 'feel' that you think I'm stupid just because I did X, or Y". She says since she uses the word "feel", she isn't mind reading, and so it's up to me to tell her if she's right or wrong. Well, I have been telling her she's wrong for over 40 years now, and that only makes her angry and defensive. I told her time and again that I get mad when people try to read my mind and put words into my mouth. I tell her to skip saying the part about what she is so sure that I am thinking, and just ASK ME what I am thinking, instead. Ninety percent of the time, I am not only NOT thinking what she thinks I am, but I am thinking about some other subject altogether. Then when she accuses me of thinking some negative thing, it hits me out of the blue, and I register it as an insult. I asked her why she can't just ASK me what I am thinking, or ask me how I am feeling. I would welcome both of those if they were honest questions. I would feel like I was cared about. That makes perfect sense to me, but she doesn't see it that way. She says that she's just being honest, and that she IS asking me how I feel, or what I am thinking, when she tells me what she feels like I am thinking. We can't get past that. So she got louder and more accusatory, and then angrily walked out.

    I don't know what to do. I am battling Major Depressive Disorder, CPTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and severe Chronic Pain. I am doing the very best that I can. I am on disability, and I fill my days and evenings reading books on my various diagnoses, learning as much as I can, so that I can better control, or adapt, or adjust to the reality of my life, and I do feel good about that. I have tried to share some of this with her, both verbally, and by sharing articles with her via email. She seems stand-offish about it, at best. When I ask her outright if she wants to learn more, she swears she does, but she has a life, therefore she just doesn't have the time or energy to read much about it. I told her a few minutes ago that I will stop burdening her with it, and will stop sending her articles and such. She rebuffed that idea, but added again that she just doesn't have the time. She said she is doing the best that she can in trying to deal with all my problems, and she doesn't have the energy or the will to do it any more. She's "had it."

    She came back and brought up another time recently that I was unreasonable, saying that she had told me something about her job, and I had reacted with sarcasm and disgust. I remember it well. It was just the opposite. She told me that her employer was giving $50 bonuses to anyone who got a Covid booster shot, and I responded "wow, that must be nice. Go ahead and do that." She and I both agree that that's all that I said. But she says I was being sarcastic, and spit the words out like venom, and I thought it was disgusting. I remember calmly saying those words, genuinely happy for her to get $50 just for getting a shot that we both were going to get anyway. The difference, more than likely, was the fact that during the time that she was unwinding after work and telling me bonus, as well as about the rest of her day, I was in a pit of depression, and I was in a ton of physical pain from my legs and my back. I know that had to have affected the tone of my voice, the look on my face, and my body language. But I don't talk about the pain, because it would sound whiney and redundant. I was just sitting there listening to her, and I thought I answered appropriately and honestly. Anyway, that night, after I had answered her, she responded by telling me what (she believed) I was thinking and feeling, and she wanted to know what my response was. My response was "that's not an argument I am willing to have right now." To me, I was angry that "it" was happening again, and I could argue about it like so many times before, or I could choose not to. I chose not to argue. To her, I had just insulted her, and said she isn't worth arguing with, and since I had not argued, then what she had thought about me must indeed be true.

    If (and when) she "reads my mind" again, and assigns various negative thoughts and feelings to me, we could bypass all of this trouble if she could just hold those 'mind-read thoughts' inside, and just ask me two simple questions, instead. First, "how are you feeling?" And second, "what are you tinking." I will gladly and honestly answer her. But I just can't take any more veritable accusations for thinking and feeling certain ways, and then be expected to explain or defend myself, meanwhile letting it roll off me like water off of a duck's back. It's not an argument I'm having anymore.

    Thanks for listening.

    #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #ADHD #Autism #BodyFocusedRepetitiveBehaviors #PathologicalDemandAvoidanceSyndrome #AutismSpectrumDisorders #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD #ASD #anhedonia #ChronicDepression #ChronicPain #SpinalStenosis #GAD #Sadness #CombinedPresentationADHD #SmilingDepression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disability #MentalHealth #Insomnia #DiabetesType2 #Diabetes #Asthma #Hypertension #Hypervigilance #nerveandjointpain #HearingLoss #Grief #generationaltrauma #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #TraumaRecovery #Trauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #MedicalTrauma #IntergenerationalTrauma #Trauma #SexualTrauma #traumasurvivor #Survivor #EmotionalAbuse #ChiildhoodSexualAbuse #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #PTSD #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #ChildhoodAbuse #ReactiveAttachmentDisorder #RAD #attachment #Childhoodneglect #attachmentdisorder #ChildAbuseandNeglect #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #Suicide #SuicideLossSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #PassiveSuicidalIdeation #suicidal #Depression #MajorDepression