Lost a friend I adored #PTSD #artheals #Reflection #apoligized #trees #wrongwords #avm #congenital #calm
I lost a friend.Not by death.He said to walk.Ive traumatized him because of my own cptsd.Im in treatment and therapy.This person picked me up at my lowest.Called almost daily for weeks.Two years later with multiple diagnosis.But for months now, hurled insult after insult at me.When questioned why?He explodes.Then I rationalize and stay friends.I spent two years confiding,venting,crying,laughing and encouraging him for years prior.We had an appreciation for eachother at one point.I showed him my most vulnerable truths.I never imagined,at my age, someone would say the things he has said.He defends how much he cares for me but won't take accountability for making believe I had support from him.He stopped asking about my life or health.Minimum contact other than txt.I stopped asking about future plans as friends.He Let me know how wonderful the other women in his life were.After saying he's too busy for me.On three occasions,he tried being spontaneous to meet up.I called him on it.Said yes.Where are you! He would Immediately change plans.fit me into a two or three weeks routine.Rushed over a coffee and hour of his life.Telling me over and over how he has no time.His stressors and triggers on full display because I trigger him he say.it took almost a year to see his masks drop.The past year was embarrassing to watch.Munipulation is very transparent to a person whos lived it from childhood on.to a fault.Even with candor and grace,people do not like to admit it.I ask and value the truth at all times from people in my life.I have had to learn everyone lies to a degree.Including myself.I feel and see the motive and intent.it is sad to watch someone blatantly try to set you up,deny,backtrack,
project and blame.I'm no longer putting that expectation on those closest to me.I know so much more than I show.my silence before was for others protection.I have to look out for myself first and only.I have my son and my spouse.A friendship.A loyalty.love of my life.We still have our stories and how it started.A journey.We didn't go out of our way to hurt eachother meanness.We protected eachother.Pick the other up when needed.We made a home.A safe home for everyone.We might be passively aggressive at times.We still have a fight for eachother.Once ego falls.We laugh.And can laugh at eachothers lives.We lived it together.He would never say those things out of anger.my enemies would never say those things.
Instead of expressing how he felt and why.it is over.I realized he didn't want the friendship and had been trying fir a long time to get me to end it.I kept hoping I had a real friend, like me.I am sensitive not weak.I have endured too much despair in a short time.I wont be screamed at.I wont be belittled or disrespected with name-calling or insults of my family.The arragance,to deny ones owns faults to a friend, sets the other to question All intent.What is an apology if its not real.Its a lie.it shows intent to hurt the other again and again.There is no win.no one is spared in his rage towards me.