It was a loving Christmas Gift exchange and they seemed to like them. Im scared of what was done, that I don't know about, what was, implied to my family. What was done? Im amazed at the web of connections and degree of commitment to smoke and https://mirrors.It is impressive and calculated beyond obsession and https://care.I need clarity of who did what, witnessed and participated, for https://clarity.I have been played.
Im getting thin and https://clumsy.Id like a new heart.it hurts too much now.it is heavier and tighter https://now.I can, feel, the https://hurt.The way heartburn is a https://cakewalk.This is deeper and more https://systematic.Im not going to beable to move forward as long as this family continues to treat me like an option and disregard my https://life.I will remove https://myself.I missed too much.it hurts.
Today was flip flopped and I am good, guarded, but https://here.I still need to get off my ass to begin https://prepping.I will be cooking, baking and https://cleaning.What I do around https://here.I enjoy it when given time.
I wish I could https://ask.I hate not https://knowing.Are things good? Medically and emotionally, whats really happening with https://life.Are you happy now? Having only self absorbed awareness is from https://isolation.I was, am relearning coping skills but have no outside influence. Im scared and shocked at what revenge is still in the shadows, with these https://people.I am concerned he has been misleading me the entire https://time.I am the https://fool.All I can do, is be a better, than I was https://yesterday.And not expect that from anyone but myself. Give grace and have faith in me?
I knew they hadn't accepted me, I felt https://it.I was placated and dismissed, my entire life, by them, my own. A last thought, the forgotten one, the one who was always asked about,Where's Amy, How's Amy? They heard it, their entire lives and they hated me, for it. They, did that. Not https://me.They said I wanted https://attention.They told me, they were sick of https://answering.And they thought Id tell people first, what they did.
So discredit my word first, paint a victim role, a dependant moron,who is incapable and is a bad mother and sister. Yet, no one had a role in, our lives and I asked, I attended and https://waited.Funny how that plays out.no one had a front seat. All hearsay and gossip, all from a couple players. I ask, I confront and bite back.
They did not like https://that.I am not stupid or psychotic, I have extremely hypo emotional intelligence, high scores 😆 🤣 😂yikes.I cant compute the nuances of socializing.
It was a cycle. And, if Im kept in the dark, I'd definitely react stupid, being kept, in the dark.
I no longer wanted to be that charactor for them to mock, belittle and https://chastise.I was, the punching bag. Years later, thats funny, to https://me.I remove myself self but I was,still a problem, to be dealt with.
I have been, judged and disrespected, countless times, for no reason, other than a gossips gifts for sport. Has to do with,economic status, image, titles and education status, that is all. Labels and status for comparison.
And to me, that is a NOT, a great bar for, character.
Id try and engage but the seed was planted, by my choices, years prior. Theyd ask odd questions, to try to weave, the answers they had, assumed, over years of watching but never engaging.
Some people CANNOT handle being wrong, for anything. And will never admit their wrong doings, ever.
Straight questions get straight https://answers.When you play vague games, I'll make you walk the maze as well.im not playing nice to people, who treat me like https://dirt.When a family, tries to write your own script, they abandoned, all truth and the chances of real connection,to become https://obsolete.I am vulnerable and open to building, when all, are forthcoming.
Being a target and singled out, isnt mending or fostering, it is, controlling and https://manipulating.I have not spent years recovering to be placed back in a position to be shunned, boxed or https://used.My best is ahead of me, it could be one day a week of being fulfilled to everyday, that is my choice.my future, IS mine to decide and build.im going to keep being transparent and intentionally https://present.I will beable to stand my ground, I will listen and will continue to give grace to those people who hurt https://us.I have wasted time out of fear, of facing what has transpired and it hurts too much,to face another label and https://loss.I am over https://it.Done.My husband, my son, my home, my pets, is my concern.it is, has been and will continue to be, for him. Will.
Those without him, will never understand, https://why.Because they never asked.
We are, too much, but I'd rather be that, than, not enough.
And we are.
Have you, tried going completely no contact, with no help, from anyone? Serious question.no input, other than the screen, with nonsense. Nothing? No responses, no input, no questions, no https://commitments.Is that my punishment or a reward?
Cutting me off, on schedule, to last https://year.Hurts him, them.
Amazes me, how men actually believe, that they are justified, in ruining, a woman. He is doing the same thing, as last https://year.I wrote it all down. Day by day, because that, is not https://normal.That women, are not versed in defending themselves, when intimidated and threatened, https://repeatedly.Im angry and hurt,of course I'd write it down, everywhere, for valid reasons. I am, allowed to have feelings and express them.
Set off?
Nope. I am Aware, know the difference.
Someone, is no different than thirty years ago, but I knew that.Boys.
I have, not inserted myself into anyones life, in years, because I wasn't welcomed, I asked hard questions about things that has significance, in my life and no one to help me. I did ask, I was shunned, for asking.
Alot, of mixed https://messages.And I am hurt and alone, not by choice.
I've learned, no one will, be forth coming or transparent about the last couple years, with https://me.I was, and that person, welcomed me with open arms, at first, until, the people in their life, questioned https://it.Their patterns not mine.
Because I was a secret, an embarrassment,kept in the dark but I, did not know this. Until https://recently.All of my https://relationships.Its me, I get it.
And then they went after my https://son.So I removed myself, https://AGAIN.Not control, boundaries.
But that person couldnt handle the truth.so they trashed me, set me up, go after family but they,still continued to mess with my life. But are not in it.
This went on for https://years.And done it to others. I, am not the first. Now multiple people have been played.I'm, Not the one who deserves to be https://humiliated.Keep playing and I will, play fair. I wont be intimidated or threatened, anymore.
I am aware and Your perception is amusement, to me. All involved, playedyourselves.
You cannot play people for sport and when, they are watching, you try, to deny it, it is sick and it will return to you, ten fold.You, did that to my Son.
I wished many well, I keep working, on relearning and Im still, dragged backwards, by those, adiment on hurting me and https://mine.All in the guise of care. I'm not proving myself to anyone, https://anymore.My sons future, IS my concern,my heart is, broken and he never, should have been https://used.Keeping me in the dark is wrong.it has not and will not help and, now I am, done participating, for good. Im not a social project or a therapy session for people to free guilt https://from.Go play Jackass and Hero control complex,with someone elses life,please.Mines not for sport. I wanted him to have more, that was all. I did it alone,for years and everyone had conditions and I am through with transactional relationships.We, deserved https://better.And I see it all now.
Have you ever rotated your artwork?Traded out frames, reframe, to display a new peice? The frame, can alter the entire peice or support it, become part of it.
The art can speak for itself or be overshadowed, by a frame alone. I prefer the work, to be held, showcased and to draw, the viewer, into the work. It should remain, invisible.
While the frames can change, in strength and form, the piece will morph, depending, on the support. The weaker the frame, the work, will collapse, behind the size of the space. If too bold, in its https://will.You loose, the work itself.
The choice, to not showcase a frame, is open to interpretation, bold and clean. A new frame gives finality, to a peice. A used,frame, adds charactor,depth.A weak one can be fixed, resized and https://built.A strong one, is not, flexible.
I haven't been able to greive,in the ways others have been https://granted.That was taken, from me, out of https://malice.I will never, understand, why an entire group of people, would do https://that.I have asked why, a million https://times.When others passed, I was also attacked with,anger, assumptions and contemp, for having emotions and feelings,and expressing https://them.Everybody else is allowed to talk, discuss, reflect but me, no.Nothing. I am nothing in that family, no one of value, no significance, to them, ever.
Why do other people monitor and dictate, HOW, someone else should, feel about death and loss.
I saw the dynamic and manufactured anger then, all that resentment towards me, for others gossip, between certain family members. And then they All fall silent when asked.
I have been away, getting therapy, finding peace and to now know, I am Still a topic of, toxic conversation, is as common today, as when I grew https://up.I hope those who excluded me purposefully know, it was calculated by them, for https://years.I watched them go after mine and then, they abandoned them, just as https://quick.The name calling, assumptions, backstabbing, lies, gossip, hearsay....that is them, that is why, I called them out and do not have relationships, with https://any.And they'd stutter, yell, deny and become meaner, https://everytime.Im used to these, family disfunctions and roles, all https://play.Just because there is a dollar,$$$ attached, doesnt change or lesson the https://dysfunction.Ive been addressing it, for too https://long.I am sad, for them and hurt by https://them.Imagine planning for something beautiful and it is tainted by mockery and https://lies.Those family dynamics, are going to backfire because the impact, is destructive and https://cruel.That circle, I though for my future, just imploded some more.to deliberately, take away, that grieving process, with others, is https://cruel.I waited, to reach out,because of fear, fear of being rejected again, by the ones who, I reached out to https://before.I know now, but it never makes it hurt less, no matter how old I https://get.I wanted to know my Son, would be taken in, loved and not used as a pawn, by others https://involved.Thats https://it.What is wrong with people? Seriously,never thought Id let more heartache in, but now,it doesn't go https://away.All of my fears, insecurities and pain, only confirmed,this past three https://years.Nothing https://more.Thank you, for showing me exactly what I already felt.no big mystery solved.Confirmed,dysfunction and destruction, from family.
I will no longer relive this pain brought on by them.
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Do I puposefully sabatage myself?No,just a lifelong narrative by a couple. I have, as everyone has and I am, relearning, coping. Currently, no,nothing. I am on, my time, now and with reason.
I owe, no one, a routine, schedule or new discipline.
I am doing, exactly what I've been disected into. Ask . Have it come from the source.
Taking my time, exploring my new life, all my feelings and health issues, and what comes with.you can't see it.
And, at no point,noone, has spoken to me. About my future "plans". I understand isolation, exclusion and regression, due to environment. I did go out,alone, ALOT. Involved myself, inserted my presence when https://invited.I put myself in too many social situations, alone.
And, found it fake,orchestrated, judgemental, engineered, that was overwhelming, I was, too vulnerable and I'd be, panicked at https://times.While in between medications, that did damage, https://emotionally.That was it, all orchestrated.
I am, creating my ideal environment, Yes, again, but my https://way.Not what, someone, thinks, I'll https://like.If someone wants me to do something, https://ask.Like an adult, communicate.
That narrative of, I had every room and wasnt happy, https://no.I was put, pushed into https://situations.Second thought.
No more putting me somewhere.
That does not, make me ungrateful.
I am trying. As life moves around https://me.Tell me what, I https://missed.What was, kept from me, on purpose. Let me deal with truths. And Im okay with that now. I know, I can, be alone. Im not playing a game, a riddle or playing https://along.I am trying to save my family. He has, been through enough. I am not, Unaware or delussional.
Every trap, hurdle and set https://up.I am disappointed and to see it, still. Do I call or show up?
Do I call people who, were in my life or who weren't?
Put yourself first and you are called selfish, lazy and mental.
Funny questions, you have to ask yourself, when finding a Support https://Circle.I do not have https://one.They have to be real,person not an app., or https://typewriter.They have to be transparent, as well and have constructive criticism, to give. A give and https://take.Willing to take questions for clarity, without loosing grip or being https://judgemental.They need to be https://willing.I deserve https://realness.I kept giving all, so I now give minimum, like everyone https://else.I won't be a social experiment,please, go play with https://others.I want the truth.no one is giving it to me, so I will remove myself completely.my son, is most https://important.I am creating at my own pace.
Communication can come from others,Im through with proving anything to, any of them.
I am done with petty lessons that have names.
To purposefully have my work displayed incorrectly, sad.im out.
I think its time, acting is, your choice to use. Tell her, to call https://me.Lunch maybe, some wine,oh where, there are https://people.Ill show her what I have.Since, you all know me so well, I think it is time.
I kept things,she should see.
To clarify.
Sacrifice, you say, you sacrificed yourself. How so?
Lies.
My husband was sacrificed, no one https://else.Bt you. He was used and munipulated, for someone else's messed up thoughts and feelings. You felt bad for him,for being with someone "like me".Sure.He had it made and now, hes sick, ashamed and
Screwed, because of you, not letting go. I didnt contact you.
But you want me quiet,for whos sake, yours or Hers? Save her the embarrassment, https://really.Nah.The natural order of karma, will take care of that.
Always has, in the most strangest of ways.
Scares me, when Im wronged and not from what I do. Ive watched and its,not https://good.I dont get it.
Intention vs https://impact.If you forgot.
You left debris, everywhere.
And its Time to clean.
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