artheals

I wonder if they feel guilty over playing with my https://life.I was to be phased out, pushed aside but I caught on.im only here out of being https://stuck.Typically he'd have the taxes completely done, signed and waiting fir his deposit.Now, he Is https://delaying.I have a feeling something big is going to come https://out.The secrets and lies have been https://endless.I will be fine and I will move out, take care of myself and start over.it is going to be scary but I need it.

I used to have titles.Climbed the ladder from nametags to negotiating administrative benefit packages and without a degree. I started working young.The food industry was easy and titles were Cook or manager.in education, I never wanted to be a T.A.,that was earned and given over years of classroom hours.I had been in Early Childhood development for years,after classes.I ended in Behavior.Certifications,trainings all provided by NYS.Head Start and Early Intervention, when the school closed.Titles are for Academia and class climbers.Judgeful and shamefuls, in my opinion.If my name isnt sufficient and you need a title,I have one.I am an artist, a woman, a mother.I am not employeed.That does not negate my value or opinion.I once was employeed, for over forty years.I put in my time.my title now,shouldn't matter.
I am a person starting over, Trainee.

How are you? Are you happy?
Have you been sleeping and getting enough to eat?Are you at peace.
Have you met with your family?Has your spouse been helpful? Do you have enough support,emotionally? Are you going to therapy or any groups? Have you given yourself grace? Have you questioned your motives? Have you looked back or ahead? How do you feel after seeing the end of an era?How do you see change?Where would you like to be and how would it be different?

Today,was my wedding anniversary.it was not like the others.We have been apart for years.I went outside after begging and he threw in the towel before my Disability was approved.He thought I'd "be better" by now.I have an inoperable cerebral AVM that has been deconstructing for a couple years.I have some thing, that, does not, get better, just maintenance.He hates me for getting sick,not being able to bounce back I guess.I don't know.He literally has no care for me.I want to be cared for.is that wrong? Not coddled or babied but cared about,cared for.I stopped asking him for help.today I had to ask for money, talk about demeaning,I was beside myself, but I did it.I wish there were words that would help him understand, this is because of us.Not me, or my brain or the doctors, appointments or medications.it is Us.Am I waiting for a answer, no.A break, no.I have been in therapy for four years.If, he Is,Not, going to attend,what is my point in trying to rebuild? That,is my answer.it is not my job to teach someone what I am currently learning,is it? If I'm trying to navigate my own? I am going through it alone, still.He feels because he was physically here that I was not.I was, I am, alone in this.I have been, emotionally yes, spiritually no and that has been my grace to others.I am unable, myself to be there for some, I get the contradiction.But my spouse, it was brief and came with conditions from his mother.Not the anniversary I imagined.Tomorrow will be better Tomorrow is new and I will get through another week.

Now this is a diary vent, so I wont forget. Im upset, he takes my son and spends time alone with him after, this past three months of messing with our life.
Are you seriously thinking boots and dinner will erase what you and your mother have done? I am making sure he has access to a place before I leave.He was put in the middle again and I cannot have it go on.I cannot stay here for six more months.I will be gone.She will never understand what she's done.If I find out my family is involved, I don't know what will happen.I am devastated.I don't know how two people can do that to someone they care about.to phase someone out, to set them up for distrusting them instead of communicating, it is wrong.They never tried,not once.I told her too much and she played me the entire time.I will never forget that day and how it felt seeing him again.That isn't helping someone, that's malicious.Your son is a 55 tear old, let him be for once.

My personal space was fair game and I wasn't aware until recently.My mother in law and a past friend.They were given access by my husband and it took me over a year to remember everything.I had confronted him, multiple times and each one escalated to where he flipped it on me being the aggressor. .And each time, took a massive toll on me emotionally and physically.

Thespace and bin of items were so personal, that not even my son, husband or friend knew in any context,what happened.
I'm not embarrassed, I'm shook.Every peice of old memories was gone through.The bin was in a room that had been a dark place for me. A mess, like my mind at the time. A disaster of two storage rooms.I stopped cleaning, organizing,painting, I stopped bothering.

The jobs were endless.I had been trying to rebuild and I had no idea he was stopping me from completely them, on purpose.

The bin, had a diary.From when I was seventeen to twenty.Over thirty years old.That is, was my first real heartache and turn.I was in a bad place.IT had old mix tapes and CDs.The bin was A bin of precious years.It, Does not represent me as a whole or even close to a seed of this being.I will never get over the disregard and disrespect shown to me by the people I looked up to.I pray for her,she will hurt over this,in her own heart.He is already sick and decided to do that to himself instead of wanting to live.I am living in a highly dysfunctional home.im shocked that I did not see this, prior to four years of DBT CB Therapy.I did but oh I did, I am remembering why.

I will never get used to this.I knew, we faught about it and then,I'd have another bleed, forget, restart, and over again.That is, my life.no deep sleep for days, hypo every thing and then a microbleed, then I sleep for days.
Then, what happened again? REPEAT.
I can plan, write it down and I will still forget,start over and try again.

If I keep going there, I won't return to the way I'd prefer. He set me up today, Valentines of all days. If it closes, I will Never see him again and I realized that tonight. I felt it all over again, like three years prior.
I told about the phone call and was met with duh, nothing.They know,I know.And I remember daily.
I don't understand how someone can just say I'm not going to care for you anymore.

I got sick from a brain bleed, a tbi from a rare Cerebral AVM.
I loss it, my life.When I realized who I was, the damage, was done.Now, I'd rather a stranger look after my affairs.Thats messed up to me.They found someone, took two years setting me up, to fail, to struggle.To phase me out but I'm supposed to be grateful and compliant.I was lead to believe I had support.I was being given opportunities and should be grateful and not question anything.But Im to do it alone because they feel I should beable to.I have had zero privacy and zero emotional support. When, I have any qualities of life,they question that, I cannot possibly have a disability.I have never been this confused by the people around me. I have watched their masks fall.I am still navigating social cues and my reactions and my Own control.To be told I was to show him how and teach myself.I can no longer be in this environment.His family,is his.The house, his.The vehicles, his.ALL, his,phones, his mothers but I'm told I have the control issues.She has control issues.And I will no longer have my life controlled by her.I don't care what she gave her son.I never agreed to her holding it over my head twelve years later.They have put a price on my health and the terms of my marriage since recieved my Disability.Im going to be alone and that is fine, I just never thought he'd choose, his mother.Hed rather shame me than have them know the truth.He never believed me and he knew he wasn't going to learn or try.it is that he let me think that I was confused, I questioned my reality for over a year.That, I can't get over right now.Any of them involved.

I wonder if the person who is conducting the orchestra realizes, this player, plays her own song. I have been munipulated, beyond anything I could have imagined.Three years,in the works.I keep track of events and time.A timeline of behaviors and truths.If someone goes outside that, I feel it,immediately.The closest to me, decided to run a game on me, to teach me a lesson.it is wrong, to do that to someone who already has a disability, questions everyone's motives and is alone.I give everyone the benefit of doubt,when they cross me.Lately, I took a step back and took a long hard look at my circle of support.it was my son.That was it.I have been catfished, by multiple posing as friends accounts, of my husbands.I replied to every requests, heard nothing looked up their accounts and they were fake.All in two years, multiple people telling me I'm not online,when I thought I was.Im exhausted from this game of theirs.I am drained and will never understand how adults, cannot use, their words anymore. Text it.Tired of technology and fake relationships.

I know I've been made a fool of for two years.During this time,every two to three months,my husband was strategically munipulated me.I watched myself struggle and perseverated,fell for it and now am the abuser.I reacted, flipped,was off my medications and started panicking everywhere again.Driving became my escape.He will Never understand or appreciate what I gave up, let happen and ended for nothing.I deserve a life where I'm cared for,told I'm actually wanted instead of told to stop talking and go away.I agree and now get it. A woman, is a reflection of the man.I am broken, completely.

I painted for eight hours today.I haven't this much in months.I will feel it tomorrow and I am giving myself a break Monday.I need transparency and I'm not going to get it.It is,not right for this many people to be,messing with me.For what, I don't get it.I am to be phased out,of another family.Is this what healing is? no.Because,I cannot be healed and I'm not some journey.im trying to get on with life and I keep being sabataged.This is not, me quitting.I needed clarity.I asked questions and asserted myself.I was, not arguing.If I had been a man, it would not be arguing it would be questioning.I am going to keep setting, My goals. For me.If they continue, Will will leave.I can stay and let legal handle it.I will not sacrifice myself or my son,for him again.I never thought it would happen.life was supposed to be built with someone.He never wanted that with me.He hates me and his mother, she can live with what she's done.Both of them.