artheals

My husband,hates me.He has, for seven years but wouldn't admit it to me.He showed me with his actions and lack of connection.He feels because he paid the bills and is physically present,that was,should have been enough.it wasn't,ever.

I became extremely sick.He excludes the years prior to that.
I am on long term disability because of a cerebral AVM.
It effects my memories and my perception,of time,people and experiences.He has chosen to doubt, mock, and imply I have faked a disability since I am forcing myself to try to rebuild a life. He has not been a guidance or emotional support in six years.The last year in a half, he has spent his energy and gave someone free access,to set me up for full financial independence by force,hacking my accounts,pranking me, sabotaging me,testing me, isolating me and using phycological warfar,dark munipulation tactics, for revenge.Out of hate.They included my son and my pets,animals.That is another level of hurting others when you go after an animal.He was in contact with a Broker and now says he is planning on quitting his State job.That tells me, I am already taken off, for beneficiary. He never added me to the house, in any way.His heart, was never invested fully, ever.
My insurance will be next,taxes and he has been sabotaging my ability to make the car payments,by having my accounts stopped and draining my single account connected to it.His mother, now blatantly lies to me about her involvement. He is telling me to have nothing to do with his cousin,a 78 yr old, who I adore.He has given me no choice.He isolated me and no one came, no one.He told them its All in my head.He has, hundreds of friends,he goes out of his way for,in a drop of a second.For me, forced, acting, a burden, a chore to get a reward for,another responsibility.
He thought I would crawl away with my tail between my legs,in shame.I told him something was wrong, I told him and he didnt care or believe me, I fought to save, nothing.

He has now framed it as I am, was the abusive one, my medication makes me this way.He never went to a therapy session in my four years there.He has been led by a person who hates women, called his own daughter names.Now he, calls his stepson, our son names.
His mind had already been made up,two years now.I would forgot every couple weeks and he has been relying on my forgetting, ever since.I only have one more day.This has been going on for two out of four years, who does that to their partner?

My husband,gave my information,old phone, linked devices,to a friend of his,to monitor,harrass, catfish and hack me, for over a year.All in an attempt to make, me leave.A year prior, he became friends with the man I had an emotional affair with,to sabotage me, as well.He,my husband,stayed, waiting for my Disability harassing, to begin.I paid his credit card, appliances and a new car.His name on all.He has been gaslighting and having my environment as unsafe and uncomfortable as possible.My therapists,are aware, he also has involved my son.my panick attacks are increasing, chest pains, impulsive behaviors, you name it.I have nothing now and have had zero,consistency in a year.All social media accounts were hacked as well.I have been called names,harrassed,threats and smearing of my name.no one bothered to ask me,he spent two years setting me up, isolating me with fake sites,and letting,others on to me,as crazy.After collecting proof and going off medications to help me regulate,
I am filing for legal seperation and leaving this sick family.His mother was involved and has been, for two years as well.He has done things I cannot move on from now.I have to change my Social number, my bank accounts and the credit line he has access to.I spent my entire adult life taking care of an adult childs EGO.Feeding him, building him up, putting him first, putting my all into his home and schedule.
As soon as I became sick and needed help, he bailed, completely and told me he didn't want to be seen as a Jerk. At this time, year three zero intimacy and I begged him and he laughed at me, told me it was me.I was physically pushed away, emotionally munipulated and recorded, to be,ridiculed,sabataged and used as a bet, to drink and laugh at, with the boys.I now know, he Is, the company he keeps and they can have him.He had a broker look at the property and now he is threatening to leave his job,that has a pension and retirement.I can not believe he expected me to walk away and not fight for what is mine, after having others, fight his battles.
Who and what kind of man does that?Seriously!

I slept!! I am not bragging, but getting rest now that I bought something to sleep on....Small win? BIG WIN.
Try a forced sleeping arrangement, in a tiny square, uninsullated, outside room to the house.now to get a frame, so I'm not on rolling off onto the floor https://again.I might build one, why not! I can't handle low https://profile.I honestly strained myself getting up,laughing at it more than fighting https://it.I am living now in bins and boxes for a while.Studio, is sitting, cold dank https://unused.They truly have no idea what they have done to https://me.I didnt believe people were this petty and cruel, but man I have watched good people turn, spoil and https://hide.I see it all now and it is, not my https://perception.A group of people, men and women all play parts to test my integrity, my character and my https://will.All in the disguise of care for me, to test and teach me, or to open doors for me, I did not want...I am not the crazy one for forseeing and strategically being able to follow this https://circus.I am not stupid, I am slow. I am not a mean person who goes out of her way and plot, to hurt someone. Who does that? I know I sound vague but I will come back to read these entries and, well they All are here to help me.

Rested and clear when being hunted,is not a good thing, for the hunter.
I warned them and they made their choices, just as I had.
BUT, BIG BUT.....
The difference, my path was organic.
THEIR'S, placed on me, maliciously orchestrated to cause me uncertainty, stress and revenge.
We, ARE not, the same.
#artheals #CPTSD #clarity #forgottospeak #kidinthekorner #Karl

I have small goals, day to day goals,complicated,layered,personal goals for big goals,but https://goals.I have goals that are chores and ones that hurt me physically.
I have goals, to complete basic daily functions on time like all..My goals are mine but some were given to me, assigned till completion. Goals interrupted and goals self sabataged. Ive helped get many, to their goal, but not my goal.
The time has come for my own goals.my ambition for tomorrow will not be, fold my laundry or scrub the bathroom. My goals are talk a walk at 6am.
Drink water and take your medication.
Do not rush home,no one is waiting.
Leave this device for creative purposes https://only.You already know your way.

Today, I looked in the mirror and thought,

I feel worthless.

But I said," I am worthwhile in the things I do, say and create."

I thought, I feel like I failed.

But said, "I am tired, but I got up, and a try isn't a fail."

I thought ,I feel afraid that my situation will never change.

But said, "I am changing; it's tough, but so am I."

I thought, I feel everyone looks at me like I'm damaged.

But I said," I am taking responsibility for myself and my health so they can think whatever they want."

I thought ,I feel like I don't fit in.

But I said, "I will fit in with the right people at the right time, but first, I must fit in with me."

Remember, every thought you say to yourself matters, and the positive thoughts help you grow.

©️ words and art by April Mansilla

#art #artheals #MentalHealth #Bipolar #Depression #Recovery #wellness #ArtTherapy #Positivity #Kindness

I trusted the wrong person,again.This time,I knew but took a leap.I put it aside because I saw my similarities,again.Fate and fairy-tales,matched.Lies,
again.Not from me,me, told too much truth.There are always unanswered questions.I am learning again,I can not live this cycle,even if I wanted to.I wasn't like this before 2017.I've been told it is my environment,my dna mutations,chemistry,my past,my anxiety,my hypothyroidism,my AVM and my TBI.I have few bad days and I'm personally attacked for having an episode,being sick and not going anywhere.it isn't easy driving because of my meds.I am not that sick in the head,needy or a scared person.Others have a version of me that is beyond imagination and all hearsay.I was vulnerable because I wanted to be.I wasn't fooled or played.I was lied to.I felt each time.I was disappointed and relieved.it was never necessary.I expected a choice.I am easy prey.I trust too easy,when,I want to.People think I'm afraid or unaware.No,I see it,feel it and am a few steps ahead.I give people the space to be themselves.I won't question unless I feel it.I havent been wrong.Ive tried to explain it to the closest to me.Ive lived with the disfunction.I know munipulation.It is not necessary,if you know the other is going to actually be honest.I was looking for distance,time and healing.I am in the thick of my assessments.After being pulled back and forth,disrespected and challenged daily,I fell back into the same habits.I am feeling all the anger,mistrust and asking the same questions,again.I am going to keep getting stronger,wiser.I hope I dont remember.it was easy for them to forget.it is only one person.All of my best were thrown away.

I'm in denial.it has kept me in a standstill.I am aware of my own actions and progress,but I am ruminating,as usual.I do the exercises,put in the work,I am trying.I have to try harder.I am considering going completely offline.I know the algorithm is only making me overthink.I am remembering.They have said,I have to start over,again.

Radical Acceptance...nope,not Im not there yet.I am with my employment situation but not the remaining baggage.Take accountability for what,being kept in the dark?Believing people who lie to my face and behind my back.Accept family treating you as a storyline.Sorry,no I do not accept it.I do not accept Dr.s lying or misrepresenting.I do not accept that my parent knew and never told.I won't accept being told everything is fine,when I can feel it is not.I will keep telling how I feel and I will keep asking g questions.Why and how,Im expected to face my own while others keep kicking me.And I am not playing victim.it is the sad truth.I have allowed people to lie and use me.I am too nieve.I want to think people are being honest,ecspecially when I've begged,begged, begged for honesty,they arent.I kept asking and still am given crumbs for responces. I can only be that with and for myself,from now on.I'm trying my hardest to think of others needs,but what does lying to me get anyone?

I rarely write anymore.My paranoia took that,as I reflect.I enjoy the contrast of color in the photo,the yellow,gold against the wood.I have been in over my head before with peices but these cant come quick enough.I spent days resenting the tools,having them.Days spent,fighting to focus without being distracted by,well a speck of dust.I am exhausted,physicallyand mentally.I know the other is relieved,I feel it.