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I am sorry, but ready.
I just finished a therapy session and unloaded all my lies to my therapist from the last few months. I was shaking and mad at myself. I felt so stupid. I told them that I was so afraid about what people would think now but I didn't care when we chose to cheat. I felt like I had a right given how he treated me.
They were kind. Gentle. Loving even. They very simply reminded me of all the positive choices I have made lately: leaving my abusive partner; moving; working on getting and staying clean; building relationships with good people again; and working on honesty (a difficult trait for addicts and those surviving trauma). Then she hit me with the truth bomb....that I was beating myself up for choices I had already made. Yes, would my lies probably hurt some people. Yes, is there risk to this relationship. Yes, is this new stress. However, if I was being honest now and really did lovey girlfriend and was truly loyal.... it doesn't matter if other people aren't happy...we have to do what we choose to do now...and repair along the way. You can't change the past. No sense beating yourself up for it now.
So...we talked through how we could talk to my girlfriend's mom and my "family" and how we would talk to my son when it comes time to do so. It helped. I feel better about it all. Less afraid. I am sorry for panicking last night. Thanks everyone for not judging me in my past decisions.
#Anxiety #badchoices #Pregnancy #apologizing #Trauma #Addict
