I apologize too much. I know I do. I think it is my fault when things go wrong. I feel wrong. I mean inherently wrong. Like I was born wrong. I don't know what else to say when I feel like that but "I'm sorry"
They all get mad at me. They yell, and scream. "Stop saying that! Stop." What am I supposed to say. I am always wrong. I do everything, say everything, make everything wrong. They don't need that.
I don't want to be here. I tell them how I feel. I tell them how I hurt. "What right do you have to feel like this!?" So I say it again. I'm sorry. They are mad again.
Maybe my world is not the worst. Maybe my life is not the hardest. Maybe every day has not been complete anguish. It isn't that that makes me hurt.
I hurt. Doesn't that matter?
I'm supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to be a rock. I'm supposed to be fearless. Yet when I speak up, I get told not to say what I need to.
My life matters. It does, to a few. I give a flying f*** about people, and events, and thing, and animals. I hurt. I cry. I laugh. I play.
Those who want to drown my voice don't deserve my apology. They don't deserve my tears. They don't deserve my anger and anguish. Then why, am I writing this?
I apologize, way, way too much.
#Shame #AbusedChildNowAdult #PTSD #apologizing