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Birthdays
Sunday is my birthday. Usually I love birthdays, but this one has me feeling overwhelmed and sad. I tried to plan a small party, hoping it would help, but the majority of people had to drop out (totally legitimate reasons, but I still feel bad). It seems like whenever I try to plan something to celebrate a milestone, it never goes well. I feel guilty making a big deal out of my birthday, yet I’m always terrified my loved ones will forget. As I write that, it occurs to me....as someone whose been suicidal and self-harmed, maybe I’m afraid if people forget my birthday it means it doesn’t really matter if I’m here. I don’t know. I don’t really have a specific coherent message to post, but the past week I’ve felt lower than I have in months and months. That’s the thing about long up-swings; I can almost convince myself that that is my new normal, and it makes the inevitable crashes that much more devastating. Maybe I thought I had a better handle on my depression after battling it for the last 2 decades (at least as far as “official diagnoses” goes). But damn, y’all— I’m really hurting. #birthdaysadness #Depression #hurting
