hurting

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    Hurting and Regret #greif #hurting #how do I cope? #Filled with REGRET

    I just received word of a Very Dear Friends passing. This is hitting me so hard right now, I don't know how to cope. It seems like I am always having people to either walk out of my life or the pass on to the next life. What is hitting me so hard is, I didn't know how sick they were and I now kind of realize that their last plea was a way to say goodbye and I completely missed it because of dealing with my own selfish health issues. I am now flooded with so many memories. What do I do now? My Heart is shattered once again from pain and grief. I have never been able to deal with death very well as I have experienced so much of it in my time here. To make matters worse I hate fighting these types of battles ALONE. It seems that I am always in a battle, Where is the Love, compassion and understanding?
    #Desperate to Heal
    #Tenderheart
    #I just want Forever Love

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    Favorite person….I hate having one.

    Today is just a struggle day. Whether it is from the anxiety, splitting, dysthymia with a current depressive episode, adhd, binge eating, abandonment…..couldn’t sleep last night because of anxiety. The few hours I did get, when I woke up the anxiety level was still high and I just wanted to cry. Okay…I have cried a few times. Any amount of tears is crying for me, I used to be, as my family called me, “a heartless bitch.” I miss being oblivious to feelings.

    Every since my male FP gained a new female friend…I always feel in flight or fight mode. Most days I can ignore it easily., others not so much. I feel like I’m being replaced. It doesn’t mean I feel like he will abandon me, but that he is putting someone over me.

    How I was taught love, is by attention. If you have someone’s attention they love you. If not? They don’t.
    #struggleisreal #hurting #Crying #Ugh #FavoritePerson

    7 comments
    Post

    I just don’t know anymore

    So much is going through my mind right now I just found out that one of ex partners/abusers killed her self a few days ago . And I feel like I want to feel bad about this but the honest to god truth is I don’t. She proved her self to be selfish and uncaring towards others and she had tried to take her life multiple times the last time she did, she not only wanted to harm herself but others around her. And someone that has that much in caring towards themselves and others I find it very very hard to give a damn about!
    Does this make me and evil person?
    I also am dealing with a very hard thing of that someone I used to be incredibly good friends with has not had contact with me in nearly over two months. And this was at one point someone I could turn to and talk to about almost anything in life espically if I was having a hard time . I don’t know how he feels about me anymore or if I can truly count him as friend anymore and coming to terms with that is really hard for me .
    Espically after discovering that these two partners I was with had been taking advantage of me and sexual abusing me for their own selfish means!
    I made a comment about the news I had found out to my fiancé and he got incredibly mad about it. Not as mad as he could have. But I felt guilty for evening bringing up the subject. I momentarily forgot that , this person had not only abused and taken advantage of me but had also done it to him also. And where as I mifht which I had any feelings on the matter he has none and dosnt wish to. This person had at one point when she was being sucidal towards herself turned around and became homicidal towards literally everyone in the house espically him and began at one point , calling him racial slurs and threatening to kill not only herself but hun and everyone in the household.
    She had disregard for her own life as well as anyone else’s! #hurting #confused #Feelingbad #feelingguilty

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    #hurting

    What's saddest is not when the people closest to you first realize / confess that they're scared of you, but that you don't actually remember why you hurt them / why it's such a big deal b/c what you did feels like another normal day to you... live and learn #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #indenial

    1 comment
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    HURTING... Will it ever stop???

    I had met what I call My pandemic friend... or so I thought. Boy was I ever wrong. Turns out they are nothing but toxic sewer sludge. That only cares about themselves and no one else. I was finally served my walking papers as I was told I am not, nor ever was good enough to be their friend. And that they only talked to me for laughs and amusement. I want to cry because I can't believe anyone could be that heartless, cold and evil. But I am grateful that the only thing I lost was my time I invested... well that and my compassion. I am hurting and I feel so low and depressed right now. These are the times I really miss My Mom! I do not know if I have the fight left to bounce back from this one.
    #So Alone, #hurting , #Toxic People, #Healing , #Desperate

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    Amount of years you’ve been married and amount of years you’ve been sick?

    Good afternoon!! I’m sitting here wondering if you all have been married and sick for about the same time? I wonder sometimes “is he angry at me because I’m sick and he didn’t sign up for this”? Do you all think that way? I know it’s not productive! How do you get those thoughts to STOP! #tired of being tired #Depression #hurting #Fibromyalgia

    14 comments
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    How do I get through this

    I just recently lost the love of my life to depression. He took his life recently Dec. 8th. I feel to broken and lost and empty without him. I’m trying my hardest not to fill my life with things. I don’t want to be a shopaholic, a drunk, an addict of drugs, etc. but if I don’t do something soon I feel like I’ll take my own life. Please I need help. He wouldn’t get help and I feel like he wants me too but I’m lost and hurt and my chest is heavy, I can’t think straight, I just want to curl into a ball and die. It doesn’t help that I think it’s my fault. I loved the shit out of him and he left me. Fuck..
    #helpme
    #hurting
    #Depression

    10 comments
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    Fairytales and Fear ....... #MightyPoets

    I read about princes and kingdoms and fame
    Of happy endings, true love found in the rain;
    My head became full like a dreamers mixtape
    Singing songs about happiness, sunshine and grace.

    A world built of meadows, dew drops in the shade
    Lived within the realm of endless summer days;
    Colored by rainbows amid pots of gold
    Sheltered between stories yet to unfold.

    A picture not basking in hatred or blood
    But a dreamland secured, locked in safety and love;
    A place in which fear was virtually an unknown
    Where worry's left on the doorstep you called home.

    This fairytale land is what kept me afloat
    Through times of neglect and feeling so alone;
    I'd invite to tea friends made inside of my head
    To stave off the reality of impending dread.

    Of which always came as the lightning did crack
    I'd hide in my closet, scared of the attack;
    Didn't matter if it was by words or a hand
    Each felt like a beating that never would end.

    To soothe all the pain, I'd then take off and flee
    Into such a land which I called make-believe;
    Without it had not a clue how to survive
    The contempt and failure that bled straight from your eyes.

    And unto this day, although decades have passed
    It's still hard to shake what scarred me like cut glass;
    Yet no more do I turn to friends in my head
    I simply detach and feel nothing instead.

    By: Debra Brent
    10/01/2021

    #PTSD #SexualTrauma #Trauma #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #Depression #Anxiety #Childhoodtrauma #survivaltactics #Escape #DISOCIATION #Detachment #hurting #Grief #Healing #MentalHealth #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #Poetry #Pain #fairytales #Fear #neglect #FearOfAbandonment #Survivor

    7 comments
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    How Do You...? ....... #MightyPoets

    How do you let someone kiss you
    When their lips are a nightmare reseen?

    How do you let another hold you
    When their touch makes you want to just scream?

    How do you lay down next to someone
    When you feel as rigid as a board?

    How do you let another inside
    When your heart's padlocked right to the core?

    How do you open up to someone
    When you can't put to words what you feel?

    How do you give another your life
    When your life doesn't even seem real?

    How do you ground yourself to someone
    When your need is to break free and fly?

    How do you learn to trust another
    When your walls are built up to the sky?

    How can you share this time here on earth
    When you have not a thing left to give?

    How do you turn such pain into gain
    When you're too scared to let go and live?

    How do you ease the panic inside
    When fear is a grip that won't end?

    How do you quell the heartache and pain
    When you're unsure which wound you should tend?

    How do you give your soul up to love
    When you still haven't found the right key?

    How do you attach yourself to a world
    When invisible's how you feel seen?

    How do you heal those scars of the past
    When bandaids are in short supply?

    How do you learn you're more than enough
    When tears flow nonstop through your eyes?

    How do you fix this pattern of hurt?
    Well this I so wish that I knew;
    Cause I haven't a clue to the answers we seek
    To each question that starts, "How do you…?"

    By: Debra Brent
    09/07/2021

    #howdoyou #Anxiety #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #EUPD #selfcare #selfawareness #Selfdiscovery #hurting #Healing #Poetry #sad #questions #MentalHealth #OCD #Suicide #poems #Pain

    10 comments