Emptiness

Today will be a tough one, it comes every year. Yesterday I spent most of the day in fear knowing it was coming and here it is, your birthday. You aren’t here to celebrate with me. Tonight I will make your coffee and have a cupcake for you. Just know the last 14 years haven’t been the same but I still love you.

Forgive me, #Depression and yes #Emptiness challenge me all over again today . Tomorrow will be better

#Emptiness #Emptiness

When my depression gets extremely severe I feel this deep sense of hollowness inside and complete desolation takes a hold of my life. For a very long time I had no idea what to do other than let it overtake me as long as it did. I had mental illnesses before my physical ones but I was unaware since I was so young. I got Inflammatory Bowel Disease when I was 20 and diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. Now my GI doctor at the Mayo Clinic says I have Crohn's disease. Anyway, this disease brought out the depression and anxiety a great deal so I believed it was the cause. However just recently, I was told I had Complex PTSD and so many things made sense, and the fact that I thought about suicide when I was in 4th grade and tried it horribly but luckily badly my Junior year in High School definitely demonstrates that I had mental illnesses back when I was school age. To me, it was just a logical way to deal with wanting to leave my house because I couldn't deal with my mother's abuse any longer. And wrongly, I thought if something happened to me she would care more. I tried to go back to school but kept ending up in the hospital so I was always filled depression and just having the disease gave me great anxiety. I was so bad they often had to almost sedate me with high doses of IV Ativan. My dad had died six months before I got sick and he was the only person I knew loved me, and my getting sick proved my mother and both my older brothers could not care less, since they abandoned me and left my care to my boyfriend of 2 years, and never came to visit except once. I never was able to graduate, not for a long time.And that was a sense of shame and feeling of unworthiness that filled my life as well.There's a lot more to the story, but I don't want this to be that long. But the loss of my father was an incredibly huge impact on my life in a negative way since I never and still really don't know how to deal with death and grief, and it brought back 2 years ago when I lost an extremely close Uncle of mine to AIDS, both were way too young to die; and their deaths left me with an emptiness that beat all other types of hollowness that have occurred throughout my life. I pretty much think of them every day and just wish they were still alive and with me. I believe the grief I carry from them and now a few others often is one of the main root causes of my depression, and makes me feel the complete desolation around me and complete emptiness inside. Thankfully I have a couple of very supportive people who do their best to help me through it, which means a lot, but sometimes the deep depression just has to run it's course throughout me.

#Emptiness #Depression #Anxiety #Shame #complexposttraumaticstressdiso rder, #CPTSD  #Grief #IBD #inflammatorybowel disease #CrohnsDisease #UlcerativeColitis #ChronicPain #sexualassualt #Anemia #RheumatoidArthritis  #Osteoporosis #Insomnia #ChronicIllness #Disability #MentalHealth #MightyTogether

I’m struggling with indecision and loss of interest.
I’ve been in a band for several years and have found it very fulfilling but recently I’ve lost interest.
A new band member, who I find toxic and triggering made me enjoy making music less. But recently I’ve just totally lost interest.
I know this is, in part, to my being very depressed lately but it’s also because of this new band member.
I don’t want to make any rash decisions while I’m unwell but I can’t be around the new band member while I’m unwell.

Wish I hadn’t said goodbye

the sadness envelops me

I keep asking myself “Why?”

Why not put me out to sea

You were a wonderful friend

Can’t believe this is the end

You were there around the bend

Truly a friend to the end.

But in the end, they all leave

that’s the way it’s gonna be

I’m just too screwed up to love

please just put me out to sea.

My emotions are intense

I live on the Borderline

my emotions are suspense

My mind is simply fried

I wish I could turn back time

This message will have to do

because I don’t have a dime

and I have so much to lose.

You told me you’d be a friend

as long as you could be one

now it has come to an end

All in all and one and done.

I wouldn’t give up those times

they were the best in my life

although my soul is filled with grime

I will always fight for life.

==

Recently I fell off the DBT wagon. My thoughts became ambivalent, and unstable. I realized I needed to start using my skills again.

So I started re-reading the skills…specifically mindfulness. I’m not the biggest fan of talking about my feelings. I always get squeamish. People either tell me I’m too sensitive and I need to get a thicker skin, or that I’m messed up and they don’t know how to help me.

I had a therapist tell me that. To my face. Fun times.

To be honest, I’m glad I wrote that note to my ex-friend. It felt good to tell her how much her kindness meant to me in high school. We’re different people now but I still care about her very much.

People change, my dude.

Especially me.

youtu.be/U1yNTPHN8wY

#BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Friendship #Emptiness #Depression

I am so overwhelmed. I want to talk about so many things that are bothering me. But I just can't. I am totally numb. My eyes do not even have #a single drop of tear right now. I can't cry anymore although I want to do so, soo badly.
I hate my weak and useless self.

#numb #nothingness #Emptiness

i got diagnosed with BPD very recently and still work my way through understanding myself. its a rocky road but sometimes a bit of a relief too because now my traits are more visible to me and there is a name for all of this. i was really ashamed for a couple of weeks when i got diagnosed because i had such a bad impression of what BPD is. i thought we are bad and evil people with no control and a very wrong perspective on ourselfes and others. now, with the help of my therapist and reading stuff here i begin to understand that i am not crazy or a bad person. i am learning about my traits and how to be more clear about situations when intense feelings like loneliness, anger and random fears come up. i am also recovering from a super unhealthy relationship that was abusive in many ways and now i understand that i do not choose a partner because i want to be with them, its more i need them to feel complete and through them i can finally see who i am. at least that is how it always felt. but now i understand its not healthy and this leads to poor boundaries, codependency issues and deep fears get triggered, also massive anger. but understanding those issues is the first step to learn how to cope in a more healthy way. :) right now with understanding all of this, i feel numb towards my ex (that i so much wanted to marry 3 month ago) but i have this strong feeling that i need a new partner. it is very hard for me to accept that i should not date anyone right now and work on myself. i cant do that when i am involved with someone because then all my traits take control. i am trying to stay away from potential dating but i have no idea how long i can resist. and on top there is that little fear inside of me that one day i will see my ex by chance and might feel massive pain about the loss. i remember clearly that pain i had the first weeks after breaking up. had to take medication to reduce the panic and anxiety. i couldnt move and had panic attacks because there was so much pain. and the anxiety that i am super lonely and empty was really bad. then my ex began to stalk me for 2 month and the pain over the loss went to pain of being abused again and not respected because i learned that stalking has very little to do with love. is anyone out there also struggeling with needing a partner so much? or anyone who also got diagnosed recently? #BPD #Toxic relationship #DBT #Emptiness #Codependency

Right now, I really hate everything. So much has transpired that I have finally caved. I’m dropping my hands. Good things are NOT coming my way and I know it. I’ve been trying to do things the best way I know how, and it falls apart. There are people who see me as the “strong one”. I don’t mind assisting others, but in the times when I am willing to receive help, it seems like no one is coming. I have no saviors, no mercy, only vultures. Just me and my emptiness. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Emptiness