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Guilt. Because I cannot do it all.

I wonder if I’m struggling with #Guilt or feelings of #failure and what the difference is between those labels for me.

I’m supposed to be a #BossBabe during my full-time job, a #SuperMom at school pick-up, during homework, and bedtime, a #TopChef for dinner, a tiger in the bedroom...

But then people say “Oh, don’t forget to take time for yourself!” or “You can’t take care of others if you’re not taking care of yourself.”

Except a few hours of #selfcare isn’t enough when you’re drowning in depression and burning the wick at both ends with anxiety racing around constantly. A few DAYS isn’t enough. What then, huh? I can’t pause parenting. So I keep reaching into my empty cup and spilling out whatever I can. But it’s never enough.. I’m not a Supermom or a Top Chef and I’m too tired to be a tiger in the sack.

So I just feel crappy all the time that I’m not doing or being enough for my loved ones. There’s no joy there because it’s never enough. I know I could and should be doing more.

So— do I feel guilty about not doing enough? Or am I feeling like a failure at being what my loved ones need? Or is it the same thing?

And how do I turn it off?

#MomGuilt #Depression

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I Threw My Book In The Fire 🔥

My last post, I vented. Many of you can relate - and I am thankful 🙏. I mentioned about putting a period to my old life, and starting a new chapter. After I wrote that, somehow the social media gods threw some related posts at me. One in particular said, “No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!” — C. JoyBell C.” I love that quote.

I recently realized that I spent so much time trying to be the über #BossBabe , I lost focus on the things that make me happy. I used to paint a lot - watercolor mostly. It took me away to a peaceful place as I focused on painting “happy little trees.” I’ve also come to the conclusion that what matters in life is what makes YOU happy, not caring about what others think of you. For a brief moment, I have my 5 minutes of fame as a leader in women’s entrepreneurship. I have been interviewed on TV, invited to speak at Universities and casinos, and have mentored to many. Since getting ill, that all got taken away. Like a celebrity in headlines, “where are they now?” All I know that now, I can only be the best version of myself and add joy and happiness to my friends and family. I hope that others find peace like this and create happiness for themselves.