guilt

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Community Voices

Looking for some people to lend me their strength

The feelings come in waves. Guilt, remorse, shame, anxiety, hurt. There are moments in the day where I can be distracted from these feelings, other times these feelings choke me up.

When I hurt someone (or in this case a group of people) unintentionally, it hurts me too. I replay moments where I could've been a better me. It's been three weeks and I cry a lot. I isolate. I am trying though, to be better. Therapy, self-reflection, speaking to my friends.

I'd like to hear some words of encouragement, words that'll help me have courage to correct my wrongs and forgive myself. #Depression #Guilt #Anxiety

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Community Voices

Depression post, trauma, and trying to get better

Today I’m trying to take ahold of what I can control in my life. Even though I struggle with severe #Depression and #Anxiety I try and do what I can to make my life as #normal as possible. Some days aren’t always so bad and I can function okay and pretty normally despite having #suicidal thoughts. Other times I have to remind myself it’s the little #victories are a huge win. Doing a load of laundry. Splashing my face with cold water and putting on deodorant and some perfume as just getting ready for the day. I’m just trying to take it one step at a time.

I was in some pretty bad and abusive relationships. #Drug use, #Alcohol , #DomesticViolence . My last relationship I stayed with him for so long because I felt like I was damaged goods. He gave me #herpes and I felt like my life was over. I was no longer able to be “normal”, date normally ever again. I was as good as rotten fruit, even though I only had 3 boyfriends my whole life and never had any one night stands. So I stayed, even through the manipulation, the lies, the constant verbal, emotional, and physical abuse that I was receiving daily. Why did I deserve better? Why would anyone, think anything of me besides just being damaged and just bad baggage? I didn’t deserve it, hell I was such a disappointment to myself let alone I’m sure being a disappointment to my family. I was so exhausted, so depressed, so I stayed and ignored the very obvious red flags. He even had a previous domestic charge on him from a prior relationship. He even told me in such a rage later on that he did punch her when he swore up and down he didn’t. He would constantly yell at me on my lunch breaks that I was cheating on him with my coworkers. One time when I didn’t text him back within two minutes, I was the bad guy. Getting called every name in the book, because I deserved it. He would constantly kick me, choke me, punch me in the face, spit on me, throw water on me, pull my hair, grab me so I wasn’t able to leave. Grab my phone and keys so I couldn’t call or leave on my own free will. He used to do MMA for 10+ years. One time he kicked me in my leg so hard I couldn’t walk normally for a week. He’s broken my ankle, causing me to be in crutches. Chocked me so hard the blood vessels in my eye burst. I always had bruises on my body. Yet I stayed. I wanted to die.

I never told anyone anything until I got into therapy just a few months ago. It wasn’t until my ex screamed at me for hours about how he was going to kill me, bash my head into various objects. I finally grabbed the valuables I had, my dog, and I left when he was at work.

So now I’m in a safe place, away from him. I cut off all communication. Deleted his photos and am donating or throwing out anything we shared together. However I’m stuck with these feelings of #Guilt , #Shame and #anger . I wish I wasn’t scarred from all this but I am. I wish I could date again normally but idk that’s going to take a lot of time. I want to tell him nasty things he told me to get back at him. I’m upset at myself for not leaving when I so should have. I’m trying to deal with these emotions and trauma. So anyways I’m just sitting here folding my laundry and cleaning out my closet because so far that’s what I have control over. I’m still incredibly suicidal because I feel like I can’t be normal or date normally so the future is scary. I feel better finally and I’m glad I left. I’m just now trying to get out of this flight of fight stage, trying to better myself and maybe someday in the future someone will understand. Until then I have my loving mom my dog and my lizard. Onto my next load of laundry.
#relationship

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Community Voices

Guilt

<p>Guilt</p>
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Community Voices
Kaymo

Taking a little break and I feel GUILTY

I just came back from vacation with my 10 year old. I think anyone would agree that vacationing alone with children is not super relaxing.

It was a nice trip. Although we did have a boating accident and I’m not the best swimmer, so it was a bit traumatic. Saturday we stayed in, Sunday I was able to take him to the pool, monday I literally did nothing. Tuesday I mustered up strength to go to his baseball game. But I am so burnt out. I feel exhausted. I haven't worked much (I work for myself) and haven't opened my store.

I spoke to my therapist and she said that it sounds like I need a break. So yesterday I called my sons dad and asked if he could keep him last night (I didn't even go to my son's game and I never miss them) and tonight. He agreed after giving me HELLLL.

So here I am. Feeling guilty I am not working. That I am a terrible mom. Worthless. And I can't even take a break because my mind is filled with all these terrible thoughts. I feel like I need a vacation. Not sure from what...

Anyone else ever feel like this??

#Anxiety #Depression #Guilt #MomGuilt #workguilt #worthless #Lazy

4 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Covid finally caught up with me.

<p><a href="https://themighty.com/topic/corona-virus-covid-19/?label=Covid" class="tm-embed-link  tm-autolink health-map" data-id="5e678dcff3e6f44cb2d93fd4" data-name="Covid" title="Covid" target="_blank">Covid</a> finally caught up with me.</p>
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Community Voices
Community Voices

To Stay or to Go

<p>To Stay or to Go</p>
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Community Voices

Venting

Hi , let me introduce myself, I'm Megan I just turned 29, I have borderline personality disorder , Social Anxiety & major depression disorder, lately I ve been hallucinating some and have been very paranoid about everything especially my relationships with people close to me. I tend to always scare everyone away. My pappaw just died as well 5 days ago. I'm really struggling with guilt and grief as well as I think I might have a physcohological problem, i don't think I'm bulimic but I think I have convinced myself to vomit every time I eat,, to feel better. I don't know what to do about this. I just have so much on my plate I feel like the walls are caving in on me.

#BPD #EatingDisorders #physchosomaticepisodes #Grief #Guilt #nevergoodenough

2 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Ranting about how this world is making my mental illness worse and how I just wish I was normal. Friday, may 27th, 2022 3:48pm.

<p>Ranting about how this world is making my <a href="https://themighty.com/topic/mental-health/?label=mental illness" class="tm-embed-link  tm-autolink health-map" data-id="5b23ce5800553f33fe98c3a3" data-name="mental illness" title="mental illness" target="_blank">mental illness</a> worse and how I just wish I was normal. Friday, may 27th, 2022 3:48pm.</p>
22 people are talking about this
Community Voices

An ex-healthcare worker’s guilt

I recently just left a field where I worked closely and directly with those diagnosed with severe and debilitating schizophrenia/psychotic disorders. It is easy to become apathetic because it is hard to watch others struggle and suffer like one does with a SMI (severe mental illness). I have seen the way healthcare workers can to a certain degree dehumanize those with SMI. It is why I left the field. I hated the way my coworkers treated our clients, and I hated the disservice I was doing to our clients with my growing apathy.

I am very knowledgeable about psychotic disorders and I learned about avolition (extreme lack of motivation) when working there. I think learning about this trait of schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder is what really fucked me up in the head. Like it’s devastating enough that someone has to live with such a disorder, but on top of it they sometimes lack the fucking ability to even help themselves? Like could it be more tragic?

As I learn more about this, I see more ways I could have helped my clients. I am reminded of how my clients will not be served the level of care they deserve because I am not there. What have I done. I will never forget them. I can never forget. It won’t ever stop hurting will it? How can I ever resolve this level of guilt? I wonder if I did the right thing by leaving. I was so talented at helping and working with those with a SMI. I have a unique perspective that others don’t have. It’s a crime not to use it.

I still see their faces. I can still see the look on their faces when I told them I was leaving. The sadness, the disappointment, the panic. I wish I could see them still, I wish I knew how they were doing. I wish I could tell them how much I care, and how much I miss them, and remind them that there is nothing wrong with them, their reality is just a little different sometimes.

I am so sorry.

If anyone else was/is in the mental health field and feels comfortable please reach out. I’d appreciate hearing if you feel similarly.

#HealthCare #MentalHealth #Guilt

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