guilt

It's been a month since my husband of 23 years very suddenly passed away. We had been separated since May of last year bcuz of addiction & the loss of hope. It took years for me to leave. I had to save us from each other, if that makes sense. We have always loved each other & that never changed even after we separated. Recently we had come to the place where we could finally talk to each other again. Like friends, like 2 ppl who can't stop loving each other. I asked for his forgiveness & he gave it freely. The next evening I got the dreaded phone call. The only man I had ever loved was gone. I was out of state in a treatment program for over 90 days. The last time I saw him was when he came to say bye to me when I decided to leave for rehab back in late October. Now I'm back in our home like I had been wishing for but now I have to live knowing he's never coming home to me. It gets harder every single day that I wake up & realize all over again that this is real. I buried my husband. I am not ok & it's so hard to answer ppl when they ask how I am or if I'm ok. I don't even know what to say bcuz I'm so numb so I just say I'm ok. It's a lie. I'm not ok. I'm going crazy inside. I wanna scream & cry. I want to rage. All I do is think about him & how I didn't get to see him since that day in October. He was so proud of me & I'm still sober today but this pain is debilitating & I can hardly cope. I need prayers. #Love #Grief #Loss #regret #Guilt #Addiction #Sobriety

Sometimes I still get haunted by past mistakes. Things that I did and that I wish I haven’t done. Things that still scare me and make me fear my future.
I wanna let you know that if you’re constantly thinking about things you’ve done before and that you are not proud of, it’s all gonna be fine. It’s not that deep.
Sometimes we expect so much of ourselves and we forget that we are humans.
We are far from perfect and we learn new things everyday. Don’t focus on something that you can’t change. I can’t lie and say that I don’t think about these thoughts every single day because I do. But I’m slowly starting to accept the idea that I’m not a machine and that I did stuff I didn’t like and I will probably do a lot more in the future. This is apart of being human. Embrace your imperfections and learn with your “mistakes” that most of the times aren’t even mistakes. Sometimes they are just experiences that made us feel uncomfortable but they are needed. They are needed because they are apart of being a living human being. Don’t let your anxiety consume your happiness for something that cannot be changed. Like I said before, most of the things we think about aren’t even that deep, but we let our mind, and these ruminating thoughts affect us. STOP CATASTROPHIZING. Nothing bad is gonna happen to you because you did something in the past. This is all called anxiety. YOU are gonna be fine. YOU are safe.

Wow! Sorry, this is longer than expected.

Hey, #mighty folks! I just faced a major unexpected issue! Last month I registered for a required intensive math course. However, I learned my financial aid (FA) was drastically reduced AFTER the class started. So, I dropped the course because I do not have extra cash to pay for a “rigorous” required math course. I am on a medical leave from work while recovering from a brain injury, and paying for a math course…ah…👎…need I say more???

Anyway, today I learned I missed the reimbursement deadline and I now OWE the university $500.00!!! What??? I nearly freaked out when I happened upon that balance. Note, I never received one notification telling me of this outstanding balance. Crazy.

So, after seeing this unexpected bill, I called the school’s FA department. I was instructed to contact another office. Then I had to submit an appeal application. Thankfully, I was able to include my physician’s documents confirming my diagnosis and medical leave. And once all of that was completed, I stood and looked around my small room, amazed. Why amazed???

Because I realized I had just faced a serious issue but….😮….I did not:
- collapse into a pool of tears,
- plummet into a deep depression,
- jump on an exercise bike due to my
typical EXTREME anxiety levels,
- I did not ridicule or insult myself
with typical negative comments
about not being successful
and,
- I did not drift off into a deep sleep
because the issue is just too hard
to face.

No! I did none of the above!!! This time, I faced the incident, addressed it, completed the necessary steps, and am content with waiting to see the outcome. Yay!!!😃!!! The only symptom I did experience was an upset stomach; prior to this spontaneous event, my stomach was fine. However, that upset stomach was the only lasting TBI fueled anxiety symptom I encountered today during that unexpected problem. Six weeks ago, I know I would NOT have been able to face this setback without being gravely impacted by severe anxiety, guilt, shame, depression, and defeat-filled thoughts taking control over my mind.

Today’s event caused only ONE swift reaction: I hoped on #TheMighty app to share this experience!!!😄❤️😁!!!

Your shared stories have helped me learn how to face life without viewing EVERYTHING through the lens of #Anxiety , #CPTSD , #Fear , #Guilt , and #TBISurvivor ’s #PTSD ! Wow!!! Thank you for this platform!❤️

And honestly, after typing my original message, I switched screens (on my phone) to find a photo to add to the post, but my entire message was lost. I guess you cannot switch between apps or save a post (or make edits) on this platform. Believe me, the original message was shorter as it captured my concise sheer initial delight!❤️

It was pitch black in my room at 4:45AM. I was wide awake reminiscing about my work schedule before being placed on medical leave. By 4:00AM, I would typically be outside walking and then cycling, for HOURS. So, this morning, after being on medical leave for nearly six months, as normal, my body was ready for action. But a new concept for me, self-compassion, interrupted my anxious mind.

As I sat on my bed deciding what to wear in the below freezing temperatures, I figured I will make myself walk some hills for early morning exercise. But a soft thought entered my mind: Why? Well, I pondered, because…? I…I really…don’t…know.

Typically, I motivate myself to do early morning outdoor exercise as a punishment for some THING. Let’s see, I must have sat still too long yesterday; even my watch tells me “it’s time to move!” I must have ate more than I should have, yesterday; but today’s a new day. I’m too fat due to this unexpectedly longgggg medical leave, which is actually allowing my brain to heal. Or some other reason that qualifies as some type of punishment against myself. Why! Oh, because I am convinced SOMETHING is wrong with me!

But this morning, I prayed. And I then thought, “What would you really like to do?” The self-compassion definition floated through my mind, and I thought, “Man, this cold cloudy almost snowy morning, I would LOVE to stay in bed.” And guess what???

I opened my eyes and the sky was bright. I slowly looked at my clock, it was 8:00AM on a Sunday. I was well rested. And before I knew it, with excitement, I was on my (now) stationary Specialized Sirrius bike cycling in my bedroom. I can no longer cycle the city streets due to the many concussions I have sustained from “bike-car” collisions. But as I cycled and listened, and watched, an Inspector Lynley episode, I realized I was exercising with JOY simply for the fun of exercising! Wow!!! It was then that I thought of sharing this experience with you, #TheMighty !!!

This site is helping me learn new skills. And exercising w/o punishment is DEFINITELY a new self-compassionate way of living for this #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ADHD #TBI #PTSD #PostconcussionSyndrome #Anxiety , and #Guilt laden survivor!!!

I woke early this morning with my companion called anxiety. This time, I watched a short video about overcoming guilt: I have not intentionally made the choice to do something wrong, especially not at 5:30AM. The judgement is now an acquittal! Sentence released!👏👏👏

So, I sat still in the quietness and whispered, “No! I did not choose or make a conscious choice to do this or that intentionally,” as I spoke out the memories I wrestled with by blaming myself and issuing a judgment against myself. Yes, as I type this message, it sounds like I have been the judge and jury in the courtroom of my mind, for far too long.

The understanding of self-care is possibly just starting to break through the thick clouds of guilt fueled judgment I have grown accustomed to living under. An hour latter, I had a glimpse and a released form of happiness.

#conquer #mindset

I woke with my typical anxiety fueled energy. Guilt over my lack of busyness started its course. But after sitting still and praying, I created an artistic journal entry. The creativity required energy and imagination. Within an hour, my emotions were calmed and my mindset had changed. I was pleased with the results, internally and externally. #mindset #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #Guilt

I am trying to learn this service. Please feel free to add a comment or send a message with info concerning the best way to utilize this app. Thanks!

I prefer to use this platform to check-in with this vast community, as seen in the many hashtags I have added below.

On a personal level, I am currently dealing with childhood trauma that stirred after suffering Post Concussion Syndrome. I have sustained multiple concussions throughout my life. So, now that I have a Traumatic Brain Injury, I have to addess the layers of trauma and severe PTSD, which I have learned to live with as a survival response to my abusive parenting. But right now, I seek information about guilt.

I am having bouts of severe guilt that stems from the shame that plagued my young life. So, I would be pleased to read your short personal experience with overcoming deep debilitating guilt burst. I do ask that you not share links to articles, videos, podcast, interviews, and books. I really want to read your short personal strategies used to alleviate the bouts of guilt I am experiencing.

Thanks for reading!

#CPTSD #PTSD #BrainInjury #TraumaticBrainInjury #Guilt #ChildAbuse