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    Fighting depression and thoughts of guilt and shame (possible trigger warning? I don't know the etiquette for this platform)

    A letter to myself:


    I can see you struggling right now. You're withdrawn and unsure of yourself.

    The spark and confidence I know is in you has dimmed to the faint glow of a firefly somewhere off in the distance. Do you not realize how much of a phoenix you are? So many bad things have happened to you and yet you continually rise from the ashes. Just... don't let yourself burn so hot that you reduce your surroundings to ashes as well while you reform.

    I know a few people already got singed the last time. I regret that but I've tried to make my apologies and I'm moving forward. The people who got hurt may be taking some time to heal from you, but don't count them all out. Some of them will return to you in time. Maybe after flaming out on their own, and you'll be there, experienced in regenerating, and a guide to the other side of the flame.

    Don't let the darkness consume you once the fire goes out. You're only ash for a moment. There's a whole new life waiting for you.

    [Side notes: Focus on who you want to be. You don't always get to choose every aspect of your being, but you can choose and work towards certain things. You can be kinder to yourself and others, find new ways to express yourself, walk away from unhealthy habits, and seek out good influences. Who do you want to be this time, phoenix?]

    #Depression #Anxiety #Guilt #Shame #tryingtodobetter #Trying #lettertomyself #Phoenix #ArtTherapy #writingisgoodtherapy #getsomesleep

    Photo of a painting I've been working on for a few years off and on (I'm a slow progress creative with ADHD symptoms; I do the best I can). One day I'll finish it. 🤞

    Tldr: Art 🎨

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    The useful and uselessness of my medications

    (Trigger warning)
    been on medications for God knows how many years…life served me lemons, barbs, and cast all my pathways - personal, professional, social not just with thorns but with land mines - i got blown, mauled, broken to bits and reduced to rag-tag living. My depression, lows and anxiety were caused not because matters were not firing up in my brain but by repeated debilitating circumstances playing outside assaulting my sense of well being and dignity repeatedly and constantly over the years.

    Till recently I did not realize it and always assumed that the lows and setbacks I faced through my life was only temporary and I will soon get over them and better days will ensue . How wrong I was! My entire life has been a litany of failures, missed chances and assaults. I only fear it getting worse and excruciatingly severe.

    Though many keep assailing anti depressants for its suspect efficacy, it’s only the two-three tablets i take daily (plus sedatives) that has kept me functional. But nothing of my accursed circumstances have changed - nothing gives. I continue to be ignored, passed by, dismissed at best or subject to humiliation, ridicule, abuse and digs at worse. Then more direly any interface i have with people and world, where I bring myself into certain reckoning, bring my self to bear upon the world, everything jinxes, backfires and boomerangs leaving me bruised, prostrate and hollowed out. I therefore avoid socializing. I did somehow corralled my agitated self to attend a retreat but my isolation was only amplified even as i was in a group and pretending to be normal.

    Those who know me here and have followed me would know my sense of embarrassment and guilt of being a miserable failure as a care giver. My extremely sick wife let me go. It wasn’t my decision, I love/d her - what a wonderful, resilient and endearing soul she is - but does that matter? I couldn’t do much for her and my presence was not helping her. I lost so much more…so much, so immense, so invaluable…a dream, a possibility, a life🤦🏽 The brutal shame of it all…that I endure every other moment & day.😢

    The medicines coats my brain and kind of anesthesises it to my grief, agony and despair. However nothing has changed effectively but only becoming worse as I nurse my pain, loss, grief in splendid isolation with none of my kins and pals seeing much validity in my tumults & possibly seeing my suffering as my deserved comeuppance.

    the urge to stop my medicines, and suicide is just so compelling…

    My little canine- my soul and sole companion - wonder what will happen to it when gone…😢😔

    if anyone here want to connect do leave a message…🙏🏽

    #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #Grief #Shame #Guilt #Anxiety #dysthemia #ChronicDepression

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    This group is all I have. Thank you so much everyone for their understanding and support. #Fibromyalgia #warrior #ChronicIllness #Burden #Guilt #ChronicDepression


    Notes to myself after a therapy session

    When feelings of shame and guilt come up, check-in and ask:

    "Is this valid? Is there something I've done, or didn't do, that I feel I need to reconcile? Either with myself or someone else?"

    If the answers are no, find the truth, thank the emotion for trying to help, then let it go as best you can. "Thanks, but I don't need you right now."

    For example, my feelings of immense guilt over applying for long-term disability through my insurance. (Notice that I said "applying for". I have not even been approved yet I still feel immense guilt for simply having the audacity to ask for help.)

    So, is this valid? Is there a wrong I've committed? No and no.

    What do I know to be true? I am currently unable to work. I need help paying my expenses. I am doing everything within my means to get better. I have done nothing wrong.

    #Guilt #spaghettichaos


    Guilt #Guilt #PeoplePleaser

    I have to remind myself that I have to do for me and my husband and what's best for our family ...meaning taking a better paying job I shouldn't feel bad over why do i?


    One of those days.

    Most days are hard for me but these kind of days are terrible. I have things I know need to be done. I even planned what times to do what things. I'm desperately trying to stay on track. But my brain gets flooded by a million different thoughts and feelings. So many that I get so overwhelmed. Days like this, I often get stuck inside my head. Inside I'm having an intense battle with my depression, my anxiety and all my other demons. But on the outside, I'm just paralyzed. For a brief moment, I'll snap back to reality and realize I haven't even moved in a while. Then I'll feel lazy and guilty that I've just been laying in bed. Questioning myself on how I can be so tired while doing nothing. So I'll try to stay on schedule. I'll try to push through it and get things done. But I just get more and more drained. And eventually I find myself back again. Trapped inside my head. #Depression #anxiety #Trapped #Guilt


    Looking for some people to lend me their strength

    The feelings come in waves. Guilt, remorse, shame, anxiety, hurt. There are moments in the day where I can be distracted from these feelings, other times these feelings choke me up.

    When I hurt someone (or in this case a group of people) unintentionally, it hurts me too. I replay moments where I could've been a better me. It's been three weeks and I cry a lot. I isolate. I am trying though, to be better. Therapy, self-reflection, speaking to my friends.

    I'd like to hear some words of encouragement, words that'll help me have courage to correct my wrongs and forgive myself. #Depression #Guilt #Anxiety


    Depression post, trauma, and trying to get better

    Today I’m trying to take ahold of what I can control in my life. Even though I struggle with severe #Depression and #Anxiety I try and do what I can to make my life as #normal as possible. Some days aren’t always so bad and I can function okay and pretty normally despite having #suicidal thoughts. Other times I have to remind myself it’s the little #victories are a huge win. Doing a load of laundry. Splashing my face with cold water and putting on deodorant and some perfume as just getting ready for the day. I’m just trying to take it one step at a time.

    I was in some pretty bad and abusive relationships. #Drug use, #Alcohol , #DomesticViolence . My last relationship I stayed with him for so long because I felt like I was damaged goods. He gave me #herpes and I felt like my life was over. I was no longer able to be “normal”, date normally ever again. I was as good as rotten fruit, even though I only had 3 boyfriends my whole life and never had any one night stands. So I stayed, even through the manipulation, the lies, the constant verbal, emotional, and physical abuse that I was receiving daily. Why did I deserve better? Why would anyone, think anything of me besides just being damaged and just bad baggage? I didn’t deserve it, hell I was such a disappointment to myself let alone I’m sure being a disappointment to my family. I was so exhausted, so depressed, so I stayed and ignored the very obvious red flags. He even had a previous domestic charge on him from a prior relationship. He even told me in such a rage later on that he did punch her when he swore up and down he didn’t. He would constantly yell at me on my lunch breaks that I was cheating on him with my coworkers. One time when I didn’t text him back within two minutes, I was the bad guy. Getting called every name in the book, because I deserved it. He would constantly kick me, choke me, punch me in the face, spit on me, throw water on me, pull my hair, grab me so I wasn’t able to leave. Grab my phone and keys so I couldn’t call or leave on my own free will. He used to do MMA for 10+ years. One time he kicked me in my leg so hard I couldn’t walk normally for a week. He’s broken my ankle, causing me to be in crutches. Chocked me so hard the blood vessels in my eye burst. I always had bruises on my body. Yet I stayed. I wanted to die.

    I never told anyone anything until I got into therapy just a few months ago. It wasn’t until my ex screamed at me for hours about how he was going to kill me, bash my head into various objects. I finally grabbed the valuables I had, my dog, and I left when he was at work.

    So now I’m in a safe place, away from him. I cut off all communication. Deleted his photos and am donating or throwing out anything we shared together. However I’m stuck with these feelings of #Guilt , #Shame and #anger . I wish I wasn’t scarred from all this but I am. I wish I could date again normally but idk that’s going to take a lot of time. I want to tell him nasty things he told me to get back at him. I’m upset at myself for not leaving when I so should have. I’m trying to deal with these emotions and trauma. So anyways I’m just sitting here folding my laundry and cleaning out my closet because so far that’s what I have control over. I’m still incredibly suicidal because I feel like I can’t be normal or date normally so the future is scary. I feel better finally and I’m glad I left. I’m just now trying to get out of this flight of fight stage, trying to better myself and maybe someday in the future someone will understand. Until then I have my loving mom my dog and my lizard. Onto my next load of laundry.

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    Yesterday was the first day I can remember where guilt was not the passenger on my shoulders, rather riding behind me. I have been working for years on not feeling guilty, for everything I do, and I finally reached a point where it is not weighing me down so much. I celebrated this with my therapist, as guilt has played such a strong role in my life that I literally felt guilty for being alive. It’s funny that it takes dying to learn how to live without guilt, but it makes me very excited for what time I have left and truly enjoying it. Not that I haven’t enjoyed my life, I have had many blessings and always find the silver lining. Life is always more good than bad, but now I feel like I can truly appreciate things more without guilt so heavily weighing on me. Cheers to guilt free adventures!

    #Abunchofrarediseases #AddisonsDisease #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #PTSD #FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder #Migraine #Asthma #CeliacDisease #MitochondrialDisease #MastCellActivationDisorder #Trauma #RaynaudsDisease #Arthritis #Rarebleedingdisorder
    #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicPain #Disability #DistractMe #dying #dyingyoung #ChronicIlless #Guilt


    Taking a little break and I feel GUILTY

    I just came back from vacation with my 10 year old. I think anyone would agree that vacationing alone with children is not super relaxing.

    It was a nice trip. Although we did have a boating accident and I’m not the best swimmer, so it was a bit traumatic. Saturday we stayed in, Sunday I was able to take him to the pool, monday I literally did nothing. Tuesday I mustered up strength to go to his baseball game. But I am so burnt out. I feel exhausted. I haven't worked much (I work for myself) and haven't opened my store.

    I spoke to my therapist and she said that it sounds like I need a break. So yesterday I called my sons dad and asked if he could keep him last night (I didn't even go to my son's game and I never miss them) and tonight. He agreed after giving me HELLLL.

    So here I am. Feeling guilty I am not working. That I am a terrible mom. Worthless. And I can't even take a break because my mind is filled with all these terrible thoughts. I feel like I need a vacation. Not sure from what...

    Anyone else ever feel like this??

    #Anxiety #Depression #Guilt #MomGuilt #workguilt #worthless #Lazy