BPDBanter

It took me about two hours of searching to find your grave. I have been there before, but for some reason I was lost. I’ve been in a haze lately and I couldn’t remember anything about where you were buried except that I had followed a squirrel last time to your grave. #DissociationDisorders

This time I had walked aimlessly, relentlessly reminding myself to stay calm and not get upset that I was lost in the cemetery. I wasn’t scared or anything like that, I just wanted to see you and to talk to you before it got dusk and I had to leave. I had actually gotten lost last time and found you, so I was hopeful.
I was also proud that this time I wasn’t breaking down and sobbing like the last time when I couldn’t find you. #DBT This time I was keeping my calm and reassuring myself that I would find you. As two hours came to an end and I had walked multiple miles up and down this cemetery, I noticed another road to the left. Within minutes I was face to headstone with my Nana, my Pop-Pop and my Aunt Donna.

I said hello to grandpa and aunt Donna, but I had really come to say hi to you Nana. #HeartTransplant You has died suddenly of a broken heart and I had never forgotten how much it had hurt me to lose you. You were always my biggest supporter. You didn’t care when I brought a girl to Thanksgiving that one year. You never made me feel like I was strange for not being like any of the other grandkids. You thought it was cute I was a tomboy and beat all the boys at basketball. And when I would cry you never shamed me like most everyone else. You would always smile at me and usually bake me something. I miss you nana. I miss feeling even a bit of sane around you in a world that makes me feel like I am crazy. #BPD Ever since my diagnosis I have been lost and I just wanted to feel safe again without judgement. I just needed someone.

I touched your headstone and I said a prayer to you. May I remember this pain next time I feel pain. May I remember this is the pain my Dad will feel if I kill myself. This is the pain my brothers will feel if I give up. This is the same name my mom will touch with her hands if I leave before my time. Thank you for the two hour walk to find you today, I didn’t think I could do it but I can. I didn’t break and I didn’t give up. Thank you for being there. I know you would be disappointed if I gave up even if you understand my pain. You are the only woman I ever knew that lived with a broken heart-literally, even if it wasn’t for very long, so I know, it can be done. This ripping in my chest, this pain in my head and this emotional trauma core does not have to be my headstone. This does not have to be my headstone. This does not have to be me.

I can’t choose BPD but I can choose whether I let my borderline take my life.

#BPDDiagnosis #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #BPDBanter #Suicide #DissociationDisorders #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BorderlineThoughts