BPD diagnosis

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BPD diagnosis
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    Hi, I'm Jenn... So glad to have found this!!!!

    Hello... I am new here... KrazeeBootiful80... That's ME!
    I'm 41 and was misdiagnosed at 17 as manic depressive bipolar. At 30 I was rediagnosed with BPD... My daddy diagnosed me at 15 when he would call me Katie Kaboom from the cartoons we watched as kids, Tiny Toons if I am not mistaken. ("We're tiny, we're tooney, we're all a little looney...") I am so thankful for this site/app!!! Thanks so much to the creators!!!! God bless you!!! #Crazy #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDDiagnosis #ThankYou #feelalone

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    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDDiagnosis

    need to figure out how to distract myself from my intrusive thoughts

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    First call with mental health tomorrow….

    I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember but the breakdown of my last relationship has highlighted huge patterns that have been getting worse all of my life and after a complete breakdown (lasting just a few hours but it felt like the end of the word) I have been referred to my local mental health team, I have been doing a lot of reading and BPD screams at me that this is the diagnosis that has been missing from my life. I’m so anxious about the call tomorrow and being assertive enough to make myself heard and having the internal battle of feeling like a burden to our NHS but I have to seek some answers that have long been outstanding. I know a diagnosis isn’t a cure but a start of a journey at helping me to build more stable relationships and help deal with the constant crippling fears of being abandoned by people I let in to my life.
    #bdp #BPDDiagnosis #MentalHealth #Askingforhelp

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    Hallucinations

    Tell me it’s okay. Tell me it’s not real.
    Tell me it won’t happen again.
    Tell me why this happened. #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #EUPD #BPDDiagnosis

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    Working while being borderline

    This is a question for all of those on The Mighty, and I would like to see an article about it but I haven’t found one. If you have borderline personality disorder I would like you to tell me one or two or three reasons why it’s so difficult for you to hold down a job, maintain a job, or even get a job. I want you to explain why ending the stigma and talking about the struggle is important.

    #Borderline #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDDiagnosis #BPD

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    I have a personality disorder… HOWEVER, I AM NOT my personality disorder! #Selflove #BPDDiagnosis

    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MentalHealthStigma #MentalHealthAwareness

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    BPD Seeking… #Mentor #bpdhelp

    I am new here; nearly a week in. Didn’t think I’d be posting so soon but unplanned events happen. The 5+ year on/off relationship I’ve been in ended today. I feel numb right now.

    I reached out to him just over a month ago to update him on a few things and seek help on a stressful personal matter. I was only seeking help. 10 minutes in, he brings up “us”. I’ve been stressed, just seeking help…remind him of this.

    A few days in, he tells me he wants the relationship. Approached multiple times on subject. Needless to say, the stress continued and some of it got misdirected towards him. Long story short, he got offended and I got defensive.

    It escalated so I approached him yesterday with MANY incessant texts telling him how much I wanted this relationship. Upon awaking this morning, I immediately shifted my position and told him in short form that a relationship just isn’t going to work right now. As soon as I sent it, I knew I’d self-sabotaged.

    He responded in short form with “Who is this?”. After the third time, he said he was dead; I had killed what he had left to give and he just couldn’t do this anymore and asked me if I really knew who I was.

    I cried for hours over the loss of him although I created the situation. I went back through the communication, analyzed, overthought but finally could see what he was explaining. I responded and told him I could understand his position, I could recognize the behavior he called out and told him I loved him.

    And now it’s over for good. I just don’t understand me and why I self-sabotage. I am so illogical and seek what’s wrong in relationships rather than recognize what’s right. My over-thinking is constant yet I react to my own thoughts as if they were his. I call myself an empath yet I realize in hindsight that I can say mean things with lacking consideration of others.

    All I know is that I don’t want to be this person anymore. And if this is how I see myself then what does this say about me? How do I stop the self-loathing. I can’t blame him for leaving for good.

    I’ve lost the love of my life because of my mental illness. I want to be better. I’m desperate for help! I need a mentor…someone who’s been through this and has done the work. I need guidance. Is there anyone out there? If so, please message me. #BPDDiagnosis #BPD #BPD relationships #self -sabotage #Selfblame #self -help #help #Mentor

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    Borderline thoughts

    I found this in my drafts from when I was 18 & I thought I’d share it with you all ♥️

    Hello you, my dear old friend… you?
    Yes you.
    I’ve known you for a long time now, yet you have only just been discovered.
    Uncovered.
    For what and who you are.
    Now, lets not get off on the wrong foot, I love you; but we gotta talk.
    You give me a lot of happiness…
    A lot.
    When?
    Whenever it best suits you, 12am? yeah, brilliant. Im not going to deny I hate the outbursts, because I love it, I love the thought that I think to myself even if its just for a moment, that I’m getting better. Im forward, socially loud.. probably too loud at times but do I care? Nope, not a bit. Why? because I feel like I am on top of the world.
    I havn’t experimented with drugs, nor do I intend to, however I can guarantee you that this high is the best ride that no drug could ever give you. Like every single bit of dopamine hits you at once. You feel electric, you feel indestructible, at times you even feel like your ‘cured’ or ‘fixed’.
    I also love everyone and everything, I will not be leaving your side.
    ‘Can people with Borderline love?’ – Yes, insanely. Most of us feel emotion, too much. We fixate, we worry but even though we may not always show it, we care more than what a person without the diagnosis ever could.
    My dearest self, thankyou for your highs, your not all bad.
    Your not all good though, are you?
    ‘What is it like?’
    Well..
    I get very anxious, particularly about how I’m perceived, whether I’m liked. I have tremendous fears of being abandoned. Break my trust? Have fun trying to get it back.
    I’m impulsive. We all are from time to time. But with me, I really just can’t help it. I can be destructive, I can be relentless, and telling me to stop just fuels the fire.
    When I get upset or distressed, have fun trying to get me out of that state of mind, because after 18 years of trying to shake myself out of it, I still don’t have a clue.
    Borderline is hyperemotional, erratic, and irrational. As difficult as I know it can be to have someone in your life with it, it’s 10000 times more difficult to have it, take my word on that one.
    I normally find it difficult to ever see myself at fault, all though I always feel faulty. Another one that I cant really work out to this day. Guarantee you that it will be everyone elses fault but my own, until about 10 minutes later and I feel sick to my stomach with guilt.
    If you get angry at me and shout at me, I will 99.9% cry. This one is a major problem for me, and yes I know how it looks and no I cannot help it. Any form of trauma will set me into overload and I feel unable to cope. One minute I will be going off on one but the next I will not be able to fix a sentence together.
    I never let my mind rest, paranoia takes over, massive bouts of it. So I will literally send myself into overdrive to avoid it, then will wonder why I feel unwell or stressed.
    My capacity varies, I can take over the world one moment, you got a problem? Let me handle it. The next? absolute brain freeze. I really do care, please don’t think I don’t, its not me.
    And the most infuriating part of my diagnosis was the fact that it took 5 years to diagnose.
    I could be 5 years into my recovery now.
    Ive battled a lot, ive starved myself of happiness and health.
    Ive been called every name under the sun because people don’t understand me.
    Ive been medicated since the age of 14. 4 years now Ive put serotonin in my body, hoping one day I can learn to accept myself and to try and feel validation.
    Does it help? sometimes, I guess, but only if you want to help yourself.
    But do I understand myself or my diagnosis?
    Not one bit.
    Do I think I ever will?
    We will have to wait and see

    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #MightyPoets #Depression #Anxiety #EatingDisorders #MentalHealth #BPDDiagnosis

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    I can’t overcome my trauma towards phones

    I need advice, desperately.. if anyone is willing to read this..

    I have #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder as a result of multiple occurrences of betrayals by males throughout my life. I was diagnosed 6 years ago after getting out of a 2 year relationship with someone who manipulated my emotions, cheated on me, endlessly gaslit me and destroyed my sense of self. I was 17 when we started dating (he was 23) and I caught him 3 times soliciting nudes from women and sexting. The final time I caught him (either at night when he thought I was sleeping, or when I finally cracked and went through his phone) I had a major mental breakdown and went on a 1.5yr long bender abusing drugs and sex.

    Fast forward to today, I’m 26, and I have worked hard to better myself and my life - I genuinely feel proud of my progress. My current partner of 4 years has been a great help, and has been very kind towards my mental health journey, as rocky as it’s been.

    That said, I find myself unable to trust him. I have noticed he is secretive about his phone at times (I do have his passcode) and constantly has it on him. He closes his apps when I get close to him (he says it’s a reflex). He only uses certain apps when I’m around, even though he has 30+ (he says he never uses the other apps, he just likes having a lot of them). Often I wake up and he is already on his phone. Recently I’ve felt like he was using it when I was asleep (after we went to sleep together).

    I’ve also started to notice he denies things that I know are true in unrelated conversations. I’m not sure he’s being intentionally deceitful, but it just seems like there’s always an explanation.

    I feel myself on the brink of a breakdown and I feel afraid. I truly cannot tell if I am delusional and projecting my fear that he will cheat on my like my ex did, or if he is genuinely showing red flags. I confront him when I feel it and there’s always an explanation. He is always understanding and I always end up apologizing for accusing him - but rarely do I feel like the explanation fully covers my anxieties over whatever I confronted him about.

    A night ago I woke up randomly in the middle of the night and I saw him putting his phone away as I turned around to face him. I asked in that moment why he was on his phone and he was adamant he wasn’t. I was so sure I saw it, and he swore on everything that he was not on it. I asked why he was awake then and he said he was just turning over, he randomly wakes up too etc etc…. I feel like I am losing touch. I keep bursting into uncontrollable sobbing when I’m alone. I have no proof that he has lied to me or hid something from me on his phone, but I feel so strongly that something is being hidden from me. It’s tearing me apart. I feel like I must be delusional and it’s pushing me to disassociate.

    Please, someone if you read this far tell me what to do. Therapy is not an option where I live, which is abroad and away from all of my family and friends. I dont know what to do anymore.

    #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Relationships #BPDDiagnosis #Depression #OtherMentalHealth

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    Offense

    I’m tired of navigating life on defense
    Like a sports player
    all my energy is expelled
    in fighting defending and protecting
    rather than celebrating doing and striving
    I would rather navigate life on the offense
    A position of victory with confidence
    But my past makes me believe I have to protect myself from the world to avoid being hurt again
    so I expel my energy on all the wrong things anxious about the what ifs could be and should bes

    But mark my word there will come a day
    where I am free
    a day that I see
    all the joy and opportunities ahead of me
    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #MightyPoets #BPDDiagnosis #MentalHealth