I found this in my drafts from when I was 18 & I thought I’d share it with you all ♥️
Hello you, my dear old friend… you?
I’ve known you for a long time now, yet you have only just been discovered.
For what and who you are.
Now, lets not get off on the wrong foot, I love you; but we gotta talk.
You give me a lot of happiness…
Whenever it best suits you, 12am? yeah, brilliant. Im not going to deny I hate the outbursts, because I love it, I love the thought that I think to myself even if its just for a moment, that I’m getting better. Im forward, socially loud.. probably too loud at times but do I care? Nope, not a bit. Why? because I feel like I am on top of the world.
I havn’t experimented with drugs, nor do I intend to, however I can guarantee you that this high is the best ride that no drug could ever give you. Like every single bit of dopamine hits you at once. You feel electric, you feel indestructible, at times you even feel like your ‘cured’ or ‘fixed’.
I also love everyone and everything, I will not be leaving your side.
‘Can people with Borderline love?’ – Yes, insanely. Most of us feel emotion, too much. We fixate, we worry but even though we may not always show it, we care more than what a person without the diagnosis ever could.
My dearest self, thankyou for your highs, your not all bad.
Your not all good though, are you?
‘What is it like?’
I get very anxious, particularly about how I’m perceived, whether I’m liked. I have tremendous fears of being abandoned. Break my trust? Have fun trying to get it back.
I’m impulsive. We all are from time to time. But with me, I really just can’t help it. I can be destructive, I can be relentless, and telling me to stop just fuels the fire.
When I get upset or distressed, have fun trying to get me out of that state of mind, because after 18 years of trying to shake myself out of it, I still don’t have a clue.
Borderline is hyperemotional, erratic, and irrational. As difficult as I know it can be to have someone in your life with it, it’s 10000 times more difficult to have it, take my word on that one.
I normally find it difficult to ever see myself at fault, all though I always feel faulty. Another one that I cant really work out to this day. Guarantee you that it will be everyone elses fault but my own, until about 10 minutes later and I feel sick to my stomach with guilt.
If you get angry at me and shout at me, I will 99.9% cry. This one is a major problem for me, and yes I know how it looks and no I cannot help it. Any form of trauma will set me into overload and I feel unable to cope. One minute I will be going off on one but the next I will not be able to fix a sentence together.
I never let my mind rest, paranoia takes over, massive bouts of it. So I will literally send myself into overdrive to avoid it, then will wonder why I feel unwell or stressed.
My capacity varies, I can take over the world one moment, you got a problem? Let me handle it. The next? absolute brain freeze. I really do care, please don’t think I don’t, its not me.
And the most infuriating part of my diagnosis was the fact that it took 5 years to diagnose.
I could be 5 years into my recovery now.
Ive battled a lot, ive starved myself of happiness and health.
Ive been called every name under the sun because people don’t understand me.
Ive been medicated since the age of 14. 4 years now Ive put serotonin in my body, hoping one day I can learn to accept myself and to try and feel validation.
Does it help? sometimes, I guess, but only if you want to help yourself.
But do I understand myself or my diagnosis?
Not one bit.
Do I think I ever will?
We will have to wait and see