BPD diagnosis

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    Dark moments #BPDDiagnosis

    It is hard for me to undersrand to process my dark moments. When I read what I write in these moments , it is as if someone else wrote these texts. The experiences , thoughts , emotions and beliefs in these moments are totally alien to me in my what I belive true self.

    Little did I know that I was using avoidance to even isolate myself from myself! Now that I am capable of meditating about 3 min straight everyday ( and you know how hard that is for peoooe with complex traumas ) I see these “alien” thoughts and emotions are actually the deep seated experiences of my own.

    It hurts me to accept that but I think I am doing better each day . I feel less ashamed these days to read a text like the one below and accept that I, a 35 year old man who crossed continents and actually found a place where I am loved , respected and valued…..! I accept I am all of these things and I am also still tragically a child when it comes to dealing with emotions . That is a relief!

    —————- written 2 months ago ————-

    I didn’t ask you for the world but you promised it to me.
    You put the blue planet earth on your hand and gave it to me.
    I didn’t ask for more promises but you bent the galaxy from its brunch and folded it and put it in my pocket .
    It wasn’t necessary but you took us on a slide down the universe.
    It didn’t stop.
    At the edge of the cosmos,
    You pulled out finally your heart and showed it to me.

    After all of these I softened and started to pull my heart out too.

    Radically , suddenly you looked another and down you went .. disappeared

    I have the world in my hands
    A brunch of a galaxy in my pocket
    And I remember the slide in my head well down the universe
    My heart is out in the cold
    As I stand at the edge of the cosmos
    You and your heart have left me.

    Post

    The sun will follow the rain

    Today the veil is lifting.
    Fleeting moments of intense optimism and excitement.
    I get to see my son get older and wow at how he’ll be.. imagining the conversations we’ll have and looking forward to all the happy memories we’ll make. It feels crazy at how positive I can feel in one moment when yesterday I could barely hold my head up. Feeling opposite ends of the spectrum so intensely within 24hours can’t be “normal” can it? It’s not. I know it’s not. But is this more than depression? Do I maybe have bipolar? I’ve read many account of people who went undiagnosed before.. Is this the bpd that I was diagnosed with in the past? I have found it so so hard to accept that one and I feel so vulnerable writing it down. Just saying depression and anxiety has always been easier.

    Anyway. I’m here to say the veil is lifting and remind anyone in a similar situation (specifically my post yesterday) that the veil does lift. It always does. Even though in the moment it feels like it never will.
    I’m here to remind myself also that this has just been a very very hard episode and I’ve had these episodes and periods before. It always gets better. The sun will follow the rain ✨

    #Depression #RecurrentDepression #ChronicDepression #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #BPDDiagnosis #Hope #thistooshallpass #PostnatalDepression #PostpartumDepression #reminders

    47 reactions 16 comments
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    My mental health journey

    My story started 22 years ago. I was born on February 27th, 2001. I was never the type of kid who was exactly social or even liked by many. From a very young age, my life started to change forever. I began to be abused when I was the young age of 5. Like many, it started out as verbal and mental abuse; I wish I could say it stopped there. My parents divorced when I was in Kindergarten, and that was the start of my problems. My siblings and I started getting physically abused by our father and step mother very soon after the divorce. It was like our stepmother brainwashed him to serve her every command. We grew up poor, so losing our father in our life made us really lose the living stability we had with him in it. He did not pay for child support or help us out with any expenses we needed. He was a sorry excuse as a father to us all. We had to see him every single weekend and as time grew older, the abuse got stronger. From punching to smacking, hair pulling to strangling, beatings and being their servants, it just never seemed to stop. I wish I could say that was the only form of hatred I received, but I would be lying. Ever since I was in my first year of school, I was heavily bullied. Name calling, picking on, physically hurt and of course I was too scared to say anything so I kept quiet. I thought if I spoke up, then it would get so much worse, or at least that is what happened with my father. I did not want to chance it. I was always bullied for not having a dad or the weight that I was. I was bullied for being what they called ugly. That went on for years so I began to isolate myself and keep to myself so I would not have to worry about anything again. I would be lucky if that was the only form of abuse I had in life, but unfortunately I wasn't. At the age of 11 I was sexually assaulted and molested by a 60 year old man. I used to blame myself for what had happened and by the age of 12 I started different ways of self harming because I felt so incredibly numb inside and wanted to feel something again besides pain. I wanted to feel relief and like I was doing something right. Now, I figured something was wrong with me at an early age, but decided to ignore it because I thought I was being overdramatic like always. Little did I know, I had several forms of mental illnesses. Cutting became more of an addiction to me as I was doing it every single day. I just hated myself. It did not help that each and every day I was bullied for my weight and told how ugly I was and that I should starve myself and stop eating. Well, when I was 14 that is exactly what I did. I stopped eating and when I did I would make myself throw everything up so I would not gain any weight. I began to get death threats and told I should just kill myself because it would make everything so much better. I believed them.. So on April 28, 2016 I decided that this was enough and attempted suicide by overdosing on any medication that I could find that did not smell. Hear me out, if it smelled I knew that I would throw up and that is definitely not what I wanted to happen. It was like I was going through several blackout spells. I can remember getting really flushed and sweating excessively. It was a kind of high that is way different than you have ever experienced. Half of that night is a major blur. I hardly remember what happened after I took the pills. My friend came and got me and they knew something was majorly wrong with me. I was stumbling, shaking, and slurring my words. I do not remember how I got to the car or back in the house earlier that night. They asked me what I took, but i did not tell them due to the fear that they would take me to the hospital, so i acted as natural as one could be in that state. The last thing that I remember about that night is throwing up in the car and hearing them yell to call the ambulance. I took so much that I had to get my stomach pumped that night. I was told that they do not see how I am alive to this day. I was unconscious for 2 days and when I woke up, it was all a blur. I was so pissed off and upset that I was alive, so I tried to fight the nurses and tried to hurt myself. The thing is I am not anywhere close to being an abusive person. I was in icu for 3 days and then I had to do such a scary thing. I was admitted to the psych ward for the first time ever. At the time, I never really heard about psych wards except for the major stereotypical shit. I cried the whole ride there and even after. They kept me for 11 days and I made the horrible decision to lie about how I was feeling to get out of there faster. Disclaimer: NEVER pretend you are fine because if you do, then things will not get any better and possibly even get so much worse in my case. To this day, I have had 13 or 14 hospital stays. I never thought I would ever feel better, but it just takes time and different hospitals you get placed. Not all hospitals are the same. Some are better than others for sure. Right now I have been out of the recent admission for a month and a half. You will meet so many people throughout your stay. Some of them will become your favorite people in the world. I will not lie, there are days when I feel like I was not helped but those are just the bad days that everyone has. I am not going to lie when I say this last stay has helped tremendously. The thing that is so hard for me is not knowing what my correct diagnosis is. Every visit I have different disorders, and I am just trying to figure this out. The last two stays before this, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. My therapist and doctors think that is accurate. You see, with bpd they usually either say that you have depression or bipolar. They typically do not diagnose you with borderline, which is very confusing. The thing about not knowing your diagnosis is the medicines they try you on. If you are put on something that is specifically designed to a certain diagnosis that you do not have, obviously is not going to work. I have been experimenting with different combinations since I was 15. I will say, I believe they have given me the right combination. It helps tremendously. If I did not have a current issue with bulimia, I think I would be so happy, like happier than I have ever been, which I am right now. All this just to tell you to keep on fighting, that your future's so bright my love. Reach out for help even if you are scared because I guarantee you that life would be so dull without you in it. If any one of you needs to talk to ANYTHING, my inbox is always open. Stay strong and keep your head held high, love. Life will get so much better and brighter. #MentalHealth #BPDDiagnosis

    8 reactions 3 comments
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    Introducing #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDDiagnosis

    I recently got diagnosed with BPD at the age of 35. It explains everything to me and I am understanding now I am not the monster who needs to hide. This gives me now for the first time in my life a purpose. The purpose is finally to be courageous and try to understand myself. I don’t want to live by instinct anymore. It all went fine actually . It helped me survive. Get out of Africa and build a beautiful life in Germany for myself. At this age i feel 18 just now and when I start to feel safe and secure all my bullshit start to show . In just three months my diagnosis of the last two years - anxiety, depression and avoidance went from chronic depression and avoidant personality disorder, to all the other diagnosis and finally borderline. My therapist was shocked to see the changes me although she has been treating me for 2 years . … and what brought this about … well my boyfriend started uni and on the first day he didn’t respond my text as usual. Just like that … in one week I had spent over 10000 euros. Stopped going to work and I am still convinced I have forgotten how to turn on a computer let alone write programs … I mean how did I manage to do anything … “i am a Child and I can’t do anything and I need to finish my money and die “ I told my therapist … I broke up and made up almost everyday with my loving and compassionate boyfriend , who has been watching the person he loves turn in to a skeleton of terror. … I got outraged by the slightest changes , I accused him of being superficial and unable to understand complexity … I told him I hate his uni and the people there and I made seens… 2 months ago before he had to beg me to be a bit more open when we went out because my identity until that day was introverted and anxious ! … I changed everything. It was so scary for everyone of the people that know me. For me it was also a surprise but I was just doing what I thought was right. Paranoid , obsessed, filled with enthusiasm at times,,, insights after insight… omg. But … now I am obsessively reading many books on the subject and finally I feel like I am human as there are in deed others like me ! What a blessing ! 15 years earlier when I found out I was gay I also went through a lot by myself as I thought I was the only one ! Well I am from Ethiopia and that is what we were told but still ! Being gay has opened a lot for me once I accepted being one and finding a community that made me feel like I could theretically belong ! Of course I never did . Now that I know of the missing piece I am starting to feel lighter … or not ! Actually I just felt jealous and I might be writing this from a really emotionally distant place . I am feeling numb

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    I’m tired #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDDiagnosis

    “Know your worth! Know your worth”, they say

    What worth?!?! What!!! Worth?!?!

    If I’m honest,
    I’m tired.

    Fighting with this disorder is so exhausting.

    Sharing is ok, but trying to explain to people why something hurts you worse than it would them, or just internalizing every single stupid thing people do to you?

    Whew.

    I’m warring with this idea that I should know I’m worthy. But how? how do I look at the history of how people who loved me, have treated me and believe that?

    I know I have to uproot that, I hear it all the time, but I’m not ever certain people have an idea of how deeply the roots are engrained in me.

    And how agonizing it is, that every single experience is either a reinforcement of my already feeling worthless or….healing from something that’s reinforced it? But either way::::

    The work is wearing me out and I’m tired!!!!! 😭😭

    31 reactions 5 comments
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    It's a bit much #Stress

    A lot happened last year which has leas to me being back living with my parents which as a 27yr old is not fantastic. I've been back 6 months and It won't take long for me and the other half to find a place. However the other half is currently trying to look for work and he has a lot going on mentally which I'm always very understanding and supportive. He is suppose to be staying with his nan until we find a place but he has been here with me most of the time. Now I love him and I adore spending my time with him but what I'm struggling with right now is the fact my parents house holds a lot of trauma for me so I'm trying to keep myself together mentally and I don't really have an escape from this house and I don't feel I can go anywhere especially while the other half is here. Its also affecting me trying to get into healthier habits. It's not that he doesn't want to go and sort himself with a job etc him being here for so long has been somewhat out of his control with trainstrikes and also illness etc but it's just a lot for me trying to keep myself as well as trying to be there for him and also working #tired #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDDiagnosis #Y  #BPD

    7 reactions 4 comments
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    BPD UN-Programming Journey! #BPDDiagnosis #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

    LONG READ, but worth it! 🖤💕

    If you want to take this journey with me,
    with God’s green light, I’ll share as I’m led to about what life with Borderline Personality Disorder is like, and how it affects my life and interactions with those that I love.

    I was diagnosed with BPD about 3 years ago by my therapist and began treatment via CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that was presumed to change the way I acted in response to my thinking patterns.

    It didn’t work. I relapsed and continued to have the spirals. More specifically in my romantic relationships, friendships too.

    I didn’t know as much as I know now, so I didn’t know that type of therapy wouldn’t work for me, or therapy in general, was ineffective. It didn’t work because my thinking patterns were an EFFECT, the cause was my self perception which is directly associated with how my brain functions.

    I continued my journey in disorder, until God allowed what likely has been happening all of my romantic existence to happen again, but while grieving the loss of my brother, a baby, one of my closest friends, and my fp(favorite person, I’ll explain the term later)at the time. I say God allowed it because, it was what brought me to this point.

    After consulting my psychiatrist, getting an MRI, and brain scans done, it was revealed that I suffer from severe Borderline Personality Disorder, that I have issues regulating myself emotionally because my brain doesn’t produce the amount of neurotransmitters, if any, to combat feelings of sadness, emptiness, loneliness, or anguish.
    I am governed by the emotional mind(I’ll explain this later, too)

    I made a decision December 31st that i wouldn’t leave this new year, without control of my disorder and I knew that meant id have to prioritize educating myself and committing to getting better.

    I’m outting myself for a number of reasons:

    1) There is still a SOCIAL stigma surrounding black women and mental health. the entirety of my life I’ve been referred to as “dramatic” and no one ever inquired( and likely out of ignorance and lack of resources) that I was these levels of extreme because I was imbalanced, the assertion was, and will often be, if we don’t change it, that it’s just something you “look over”.

    2) There is still a MEDICAL stigma surrounding black women and mental health.
    I can’t list how many therapists, counselors, and psychiatrists whom have not taken my symptoms seriously, Who’s written off my concern about how anxious I become when I’m ignored, or how I’d get so sad I’d assumed I was being abandoned, that I’d be bedridden for DAYS??!? I knew those weren’t normal responses to misfortune, and I knew that something was wrong.

    3) There is still a RELATIONAL stigma surrounding black women and mental health. because many of us(black women specifically)deal with perfectionism and feeling like we can’t be flawed and be loved, we don’t really lean into the idea that mental illness can be the source of our inability to experience love well, and we don’t share that something is off with potential partners for fear they’ll run away.

    I have no doubt learning this will be my undoing. I will likely have to unlearn all I’ve learned thus far to become the woman I’ve imagined in my mind…or maybe I’m her and I just haven’t taken the blinders off to see it.

    Either way….

    It’s up! Day 4 of my journey, unlearning the unhealthy mindsets and self perception and reprogramming my brain to defeat Borderline Personality Disorder.

    10 reactions 2 comments
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    BPD relationship advice

    I have recently been diagnosed with BPD. Me and my boyfriend have had horrible fights but the thing I was scared the most was my diagnosis being used as an insult during our discussions or used to shame me... and that has happened unfortunately. He sent me screenshots of some forum where they wrote that nobody can be happy in a relationship with a BPD person and that is just going to be hell. It was so hurtful to read he would seek this kind of advice. Is it really like this? Does anyone have some tips to help me having a better relationship? I am so tired of feeling like a monster and a horrible person. I also would like my partner to understand me instead of putting me down. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDDiagnosis #Love #Relationships #hurt

    22 reactions 11 comments
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    A space to express in hard times...

    I am a person with BPD, I got diagnosed this year after many years of not understanding the reason of my reactions. I am very successful in my work but my personal life is a disaster. I constantly have episodes and that affects my capacity to relate to another human being. I feel my mom and dad hate the result of their bad relationship and I blame for that. Unfortunately I live in a third world country that does not priorities mental health. I am feeling pretty hopeless about getting well . Does anyone wants to share the strategies to survive this disorder?#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDDiagnosis

    2 reactions