Dark moments #BPDDiagnosis
It is hard for me to undersrand to process my dark moments. When I read what I write in these moments , it is as if someone else wrote these texts. The experiences , thoughts , emotions and beliefs in these moments are totally alien to me in my what I belive true self.
Little did I know that I was using avoidance to even isolate myself from myself! Now that I am capable of meditating about 3 min straight everyday ( and you know how hard that is for peoooe with complex traumas ) I see these “alien” thoughts and emotions are actually the deep seated experiences of my own.
It hurts me to accept that but I think I am doing better each day . I feel less ashamed these days to read a text like the one below and accept that I, a 35 year old man who crossed continents and actually found a place where I am loved , respected and valued…..! I accept I am all of these things and I am also still tragically a child when it comes to dealing with emotions . That is a relief!
—————- written 2 months ago ————-
I didn’t ask you for the world but you promised it to me.
You put the blue planet earth on your hand and gave it to me.
I didn’t ask for more promises but you bent the galaxy from its brunch and folded it and put it in my pocket .
It wasn’t necessary but you took us on a slide down the universe.
It didn’t stop.
At the edge of the cosmos,
You pulled out finally your heart and showed it to me.
After all of these I softened and started to pull my heart out too.
Radically , suddenly you looked another and down you went .. disappeared
I have the world in my hands
A brunch of a galaxy in my pocket
And I remember the slide in my head well down the universe
My heart is out in the cold
As I stand at the edge of the cosmos
You and your heart have left me.