BPD diagnosis

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    Borderline thoughts

    I found this in my drafts from when I was 18 & I thought I’d share it with you all ♥️

    Hello you, my dear old friend… you?
    Yes you.
    I’ve known you for a long time now, yet you have only just been discovered.
    Uncovered.
    For what and who you are.
    Now, lets not get off on the wrong foot, I love you; but we gotta talk.
    You give me a lot of happiness…
    A lot.
    When?
    Whenever it best suits you, 12am? yeah, brilliant. Im not going to deny I hate the outbursts, because I love it, I love the thought that I think to myself even if its just for a moment, that I’m getting better. Im forward, socially loud.. probably too loud at times but do I care? Nope, not a bit. Why? because I feel like I am on top of the world.
    I havn’t experimented with drugs, nor do I intend to, however I can guarantee you that this high is the best ride that no drug could ever give you. Like every single bit of dopamine hits you at once. You feel electric, you feel indestructible, at times you even feel like your ‘cured’ or ‘fixed’.
    I also love everyone and everything, I will not be leaving your side.
    ‘Can people with Borderline love?’ – Yes, insanely. Most of us feel emotion, too much. We fixate, we worry but even though we may not always show it, we care more than what a person without the diagnosis ever could.
    My dearest self, thankyou for your highs, your not all bad.
    Your not all good though, are you?
    ‘What is it like?’
    Well..
    I get very anxious, particularly about how I’m perceived, whether I’m liked. I have tremendous fears of being abandoned. Break my trust? Have fun trying to get it back.
    I’m impulsive. We all are from time to time. But with me, I really just can’t help it. I can be destructive, I can be relentless, and telling me to stop just fuels the fire.
    When I get upset or distressed, have fun trying to get me out of that state of mind, because after 18 years of trying to shake myself out of it, I still don’t have a clue.
    Borderline is hyperemotional, erratic, and irrational. As difficult as I know it can be to have someone in your life with it, it’s 10000 times more difficult to have it, take my word on that one.
    I normally find it difficult to ever see myself at fault, all though I always feel faulty. Another one that I cant really work out to this day. Guarantee you that it will be everyone elses fault but my own, until about 10 minutes later and I feel sick to my stomach with guilt.
    If you get angry at me and shout at me, I will 99.9% cry. This one is a major problem for me, and yes I know how it looks and no I cannot help it. Any form of trauma will set me into overload and I feel unable to cope. One minute I will be going off on one but the next I will not be able to fix a sentence together.
    I never let my mind rest, paranoia takes over, massive bouts of it. So I will literally send myself into overdrive to avoid it, then will wonder why I feel unwell or stressed.
    My capacity varies, I can take over the world one moment, you got a problem? Let me handle it. The next? absolute brain freeze. I really do care, please don’t think I don’t, its not me.
    And the most infuriating part of my diagnosis was the fact that it took 5 years to diagnose.
    I could be 5 years into my recovery now.
    Ive battled a lot, ive starved myself of happiness and health.
    Ive been called every name under the sun because people don’t understand me.
    Ive been medicated since the age of 14. 4 years now Ive put serotonin in my body, hoping one day I can learn to accept myself and to try and feel validation.
    Does it help? sometimes, I guess, but only if you want to help yourself.
    But do I understand myself or my diagnosis?
    Not one bit.
    Do I think I ever will?
    We will have to wait and see

    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #MightyPoets #Depression #Anxiety #EatingDisorders #MentalHealth #BPDDiagnosis

    2 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    I can’t overcome my trauma towards phones

    I need advice, desperately.. if anyone is willing to read this..

    I have #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder as a result of multiple occurrences of betrayals by males throughout my life. I was diagnosed 6 years ago after getting out of a 2 year relationship with someone who manipulated my emotions, cheated on me, endlessly gaslit me and destroyed my sense of self. I was 17 when we started dating (he was 23) and I caught him 3 times soliciting nudes from women and sexting. The final time I caught him (either at night when he thought I was sleeping, or when I finally cracked and went through his phone) I had a major mental breakdown and went on a 1.5yr long bender abusing drugs and sex.

    Fast forward to today, I’m 26, and I have worked hard to better myself and my life - I genuinely feel proud of my progress. My current partner of 4 years has been a great help, and has been very kind towards my mental health journey, as rocky as it’s been.

    That said, I find myself unable to trust him. I have noticed he is secretive about his phone at times (I do have his passcode) and constantly has it on him. He closes his apps when I get close to him (he says it’s a reflex). He only uses certain apps when I’m around, even though he has 30+ (he says he never uses the other apps, he just likes having a lot of them). Often I wake up and he is already on his phone. Recently I’ve felt like he was using it when I was asleep (after we went to sleep together).

    I’ve also started to notice he denies things that I know are true in unrelated conversations. I’m not sure he’s being intentionally deceitful, but it just seems like there’s always an explanation.

    I feel myself on the brink of a breakdown and I feel afraid. I truly cannot tell if I am delusional and projecting my fear that he will cheat on my like my ex did, or if he is genuinely showing red flags. I confront him when I feel it and there’s always an explanation. He is always understanding and I always end up apologizing for accusing him - but rarely do I feel like the explanation fully covers my anxieties over whatever I confronted him about.

    A night ago I woke up randomly in the middle of the night and I saw him putting his phone away as I turned around to face him. I asked in that moment why he was on his phone and he was adamant he wasn’t. I was so sure I saw it, and he swore on everything that he was not on it. I asked why he was awake then and he said he was just turning over, he randomly wakes up too etc etc…. I feel like I am losing touch. I keep bursting into uncontrollable sobbing when I’m alone. I have no proof that he has lied to me or hid something from me on his phone, but I feel so strongly that something is being hidden from me. It’s tearing me apart. I feel like I must be delusional and it’s pushing me to disassociate.

    Please, someone if you read this far tell me what to do. Therapy is not an option where I live, which is abroad and away from all of my family and friends. I dont know what to do anymore.

    #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Relationships #BPDDiagnosis #Depression #OtherMentalHealth

    6 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    Offense

    I’m tired of navigating life on defense
    Like a sports player
    all my energy is expelled
    in fighting defending and protecting
    rather than celebrating doing and striving
    I would rather navigate life on the offense
    A position of victory with confidence
    But my past makes me believe I have to protect myself from the world to avoid being hurt again
    so I expel my energy on all the wrong things anxious about the what ifs could be and should bes

    But mark my word there will come a day
    where I am free
    a day that I see
    all the joy and opportunities ahead of me
    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #MightyPoets #BPDDiagnosis #MentalHealth

    1 person is talking about this
    Community Voices

    This sentence helps

    Its not a legacy its an occurance.

    A man had told me this the night i had been kicked out of a rehab facility for getting violent with another patient. I hadnt realized until that moment how muchid considered my pain, my mistakes my trauma and part of my character. #BPDDiagnosis

    1 person is talking about this
    Community Voices

    Childhood trauma is not a necessary factor. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

    I see this a lot, and can only speak for those with BPD, but it’s more correlation than causation. Trauma during development can cause a slew of mental health issues down the line that are not even related to personality disorders. I had what one might call an “ideal” childhood, yet this disorder has ruined my life as an adult. Just don’t feel as though you HAD to have trauma during childhood to fit the diagnostic criteria for BPD, because in fact, it isn’t needed for the diagnosis.
    #PersonalityDisorders #Trauma #BPDDiagnosis #misunderstood

    Community Voices

    My life has been - and is - a hot mess... and I'm lost

    I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder in 2019, and today, after 1.5 months at a treatment facility, not only was I bumped up to bipolar 1, I was given a new diagnosis of having borderline personality disorder.

    I wasn't surprised about bipolar 1, but the BPD has put me in a tailspin. The more I've read and learned about BPD the more I am CERTAIN that I suffer from both disorders. From a logical standpoint, I am "on board" with these diagnoses as I can check off nearly every box on the giant lists of symptoms. Add in the ADHD and I am... a hot mess of a person.

    I'm now questioning my own thoughts and feelings - are they valid and true or are they some sort of warped reality that I'm living in... some imagined fantasy life. Have all of my life experiences with people been lies, bull$hit and untruth/fantasy? Have I lived a fake but utterly destructive life up to this point? Am I living it currently?

    Using logic, I understand who I am. But emotionally I don't know who I am anymore, and fear that my entire life has been filled with beliefs and destructive behaviors that *I created - every awful thing has been solely because of who I am.

    I'm having a really tough time with all of this. I feel like I'm a tornado of a person who destroys everything in sight... I don't know how to move forward.

    I'm worried I might have to once again leave my daughter at home without her Mom-Mom because I'll need to go back to the treatment facility. I'm becoming crippled with anxiety, paranoia, depression and shame.

    ANY advice or insight will be received with wide open arms and a grateful heart. Thank you for taking the time to read - it's been a long time since I've been on The Mighty and I'm so glad to be back ❤️

    #BPDDiagnosis #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #ADHD #Broken #help #Anxiety #SleepDeprivation #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #Shame #Spiraling #lost #Depression

    24 people are talking about this
    Community Voices
    Kai

    Trying not to be a toxic partner

    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDDiagnosis #Relationships

    I feel guilty when I start to have feelings of anxiety and doubt creep up in my relationship with my partner and I don’t mention it until later if at all because I don’t want to seem like I’m manipulating her. A big trigger for me is if she’s not texting as much as usual; I start to have overwhelming feelings of abandonment. That happened today, and I also felt hurt because I spent time and energy to check in and wish her luck with her doctors appt but she didn’t really do the same for me, I felt like the convo was kind of one sided today. I know that no one can be 100% there in a relationship all the time, and that people have their own things going on, but it still hurt. How do you all cope with these kinds of things?

    6 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    What is your most frustrating BPD symptom? How do you cope with it?

    <p>What is your most frustrating <a href="https://themighty.com/topic/borderline-personality-disorder/?label=BPD" class="tm-embed-link  tm-autolink health-map" data-id="5b23ce6700553f33fe98e87d" data-name="BPD" title="BPD" target="_blank">BPD</a> symptom? How do you cope with it?</p>
    2 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    BP and Current Mood Episode

    I have three psychiatric illnesses but am currently struggling with Bipolar Depression. I also have BPD and PTSD. The problem is, they all trigger each other and then I go into an emotional spiral. I am working really hard to heal from my past trauma but I am still struggling. Can anyone provide any tips on how to cope positively with BP Depression? #BipolarDisorder #BPDDiagnosis #PTSD

    2 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    What area of your life does your BPD impact the most?

    <p>What area of your life does your <a href="https://themighty.com/topic/borderline-personality-disorder/?label=BPD" class="tm-embed-link  tm-autolink health-map" data-id="5b23ce6700553f33fe98e87d" data-name="BPD" title="BPD" target="_blank">BPD</a> impact the most?</p>
    66 people are talking about this