Ruminating on my health, can't sleep
This is the first time in my life that my physical health is a greater concern than my mental health, and while I'm glad that my mental health is actually pretty good, my physical health is not great. Currently working to get a diagnosis/treatment for everything I've dealt with since I was 6. Physical therapy next month to help the horrible headaches. Referral department sending me on a wild goose chase trying to find a specialty that will actually see me and diagnose me. Primary care thinks it's a collagen issue, so probably EDS, but she can't say for sure. All we know is that the pain and dysfunction has reached an intolerable peak these past months. I don't know if I meet the criteria for POTS, but I'm pretty sure I have some level of orthostatic intolerance. I haven't told my PCP about that yet, but I've only seen her once. And for the first time in my life it seems like I have someone who will actually listen and care and most importantly INVESTIGATE when I tell her that my heart races when I lie down.
And that's not even touching my want—no, need for a breast reduction. The mismatch between the real me that I see in my mind and the me that I see when I look in the mirror is freaking unbearable at this point. I'm terrified of surgery but it would be worth it to not feel like my body is an imposter. But I'm still scared of bringing it up with my doctor, scared of having to wait a long time to get it done, scared of not being able to get it done before I start grad school and having to meet yet another set of new people in a body that just isn't right. Scared of not being covered by insurance or of only finding doctors who want to push on me their own views of beauty rather than hearing what I want and need. This isn't about beauty for me, and it's definitely not about society. It's about a feeling of wrongness that stems from me alone, and wanting to correct that. I'm not trans but it really feels dysphoric.