dysphoria

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    Ruminating on my health, can't sleep

    This is the first time in my life that my physical health is a greater concern than my mental health, and while I'm glad that my mental health is actually pretty good, my physical health is not great. Currently working to get a diagnosis/treatment for everything I've dealt with since I was 6. Physical therapy next month to help the horrible headaches. Referral department sending me on a wild goose chase trying to find a specialty that will actually see me and diagnose me. Primary care thinks it's a collagen issue, so probably EDS, but she can't say for sure. All we know is that the pain and dysfunction has reached an intolerable peak these past months. I don't know if I meet the criteria for POTS, but I'm pretty sure I have some level of orthostatic intolerance. I haven't told my PCP about that yet, but I've only seen her once. And for the first time in my life it seems like I have someone who will actually listen and care and most importantly INVESTIGATE when I tell her that my heart races when I lie down.

    And that's not even touching my want—no, need for a breast reduction. The mismatch between the real me that I see in my mind and the me that I see when I look in the mirror is freaking unbearable at this point. I'm terrified of surgery but it would be worth it to not feel like my body is an imposter. But I'm still scared of bringing it up with my doctor, scared of having to wait a long time to get it done, scared of not being able to get it done before I start grad school and having to meet yet another set of new people in a body that just isn't right. Scared of not being covered by insurance or of only finding doctors who want to push on me their own views of beauty rather than hearing what I want and need. This isn't about beauty for me, and it's definitely not about society. It's about a feeling of wrongness that stems from me alone, and wanting to correct that. I'm not trans but it really feels dysphoric.

    #Insomnia #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #breastreduction #Undiagnosed #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Dysphoria

    2 reactions
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    Getting Fat* with a history of ED/Anorexia #EatingDisorders #weightgain #Fatshaming #Dysphoria

    First off I use the term Fat* as an empowering self identifier, based off the work of Roxanne Gay.

    So i had an eating disorder in high school. I didnt gain weight from the time I was 12 to 15, and I was skinny, underweight. At 15 I started recovery and have been in remission for 5-6 years. In that time, my weight has almost doubled (for a bunch of reasons). In the last few months especially, I've put on a good share of that weight. I was fine with being plus size, at least when I was a Small Fat* (RG's term) and could hide the weight with looser clothes. Now I'm reaching the point where I can't. And I hate it and I'm ashamed of hating it bc I know there is nothing wrong with being my size. But I just feel ugly and unattractive and huge and I don't like how I look in just about anything. I have almost nothing that I had a year ago because it doesn't fit me/I dont like it anymore. Im uncomfortable in anything except pajamas and hate going on the bus because of the space I know I take up. I feel like I dont know how to express who I am which makes me feel like I don't know who I am. So I want to loose weight (just a few pounds) but my body won't do it which is bringing back fasting/restriction habits, especially since I have no apeptite and nothing sounds or tastes good (due to meds Im on and other disabilities I have). So in the last couple days, I've barely eaten anything and I don't want to because nothing sounds good, I'm rarely hungry and most of all because I dont want to gain weight.

    And no one in my life understands. Everyone thinks I should be loosing weight (fat shaming) and that I just need to have discipline to eat and eat "healthily".

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    On Positivity and Perfection

    A little bit about me: I’ve lived with chronic depression since about 10 years old (ranging from dysphoria, or Persistent Depressive Disorder, to Major Depressive Disorder), raised in a religious family who was very anti-psychology/psychiatry. I’ve been on several different medications and combinations of medications, as well as different types of therapy. I’m currently in the most stable state that I’ve been in several years, and it’s allowing me to see my life from a different perspective, which I’d like to share some of.

    Toxic positivity was one of the most painful parts of my childhood and young adulthood. My parents had no clue how to handle depression, and it showed. It was so devastating to be told that I just had a “bad attitude” or I “just had to smile”, when all I wanted was to be able to do exactly that!

    Some of those things, while incredibly difficult to hear at the time, actually held a kernel of truth. Honestly, sometimes we do have to “fake it ‘til we make it”. Did you know that forcing yourself to smile actually leads to a chemical change in your brain that triggers positive feelings? It’s true! Also, many people in the medical field have attested that a positive attitude in critically ill patients can mean the difference between life and death. There are many benefits to positivity. It’s okay to put a smile on, even when you don’t feel like it, and no one should be shamed for trying to look on the bright side.

    However, it’s important to realize that when the brain is set in a pattern of depression, these platitudes and “tricks” fall far short of being helpful. Where it becomes truly toxic is when someone tries to force their positive outlook onto someone else. Occasionally, a reminder of the positive things in life can be helpful, however, often when we’re going through something difficult, we just need someone to say, “Yeah, that sucks, and I’m here for you,” rather than to come up with some cliché platitude that’s intended to neatly cover up our wounds, like some sort of verbal bandaid. As though saying something “positive” is supposed to magically change the reality of unpleasant circumstances. Positivity can also become toxic when we use it to ignore the pain we’re in, both mental and physical. If we pretend everything’s fine, then we aren’t getting the help we need to heal, which allows things to fester and worsen.

    Now, I’m going to take some liberties with the phrase, “Toxic Positivity”, because I’ve noticed a trend that has been bothering me, lately. In our well-intended attempts to encourage others, we’ve taken to assuming that everyone is perfect “just the way they are”. I’m sorry, but I just can’t get on board with that. See, I know that I’m not perfect. I have many areas of my life that I need to grow in, and I’ve seen that in everyone I’ve ever had a serious conversation with. In fact, I’m not even sure that I can honestly say that I’m doing my best. I want to think that, because that’s who I *want* to be, but at the same time, if I’m truly doing “my best”, then there’s no hope for anything better. No hope for growth. I’m stuck, and doomed to stagnate in this state of brokenness for the rest of my life. Talk about depressing!

    However, if I allow myself to step back and look at my life as objectively as possible, I can see where I desperately *need* to change, and begin to plan how to make progress in that area. I’ve learned that change can be HARD. It can take much longer than I would like, and it might not be obvious to anyone else but me (maybe not even me, at first). However, the alternative, living a hopelessly stagnant life, is just something I’m not interested in.

    All that to say, FYI: you’re not perfect. I don’t know how you treat those around you. I don’t know what your work ethic is like, or much else besides what you post on The Mighty, which is subjective at best. However, I know you have issues, because you’re human. Welcome to the club! You’re in great company! Does that mean you have less value as a person? Absolutely not! Does it mean that you aren’t worthy of respect? No! It just means that you are a living, breathing, *growing* human being, and as long as you continue to seek ways to grow to be a better person, you’re heading in the right direction. Personally, I think that’s better than perfection, because it’s something real and attainable, no matter where you’re at in life.

    #Dysphoria
    #PersistentDepressiveDisorder
    #MajorDepressiveDisorder
    #Depression
    #ADHD
    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
    #Fibromyalgia

    6 comments
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    Flipping The Script

    The last post I wrote, I was in a #Depression episode because of the #BipolarDisorder . Now things have flipped and I’m in #Mania though it feels like #Dysphoria . I’m highly agitated and experiencing this desire to keep moving. I’m very frustrated and tired from the lack of sleep. Even my meds don’t seem to be working (especially the ones for sleep). Does anyone else experience irritability and frustration rather than euphoric happiness during mania?

    #BipolarDisorder #Mania #Dysphoria #anger #Irritability

    4 comments
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    I need help. Ever since coming out to my spouse and parents as trans I have struggled with severe depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.

    It hits me really hard in the mornings and now I’m overwhelmed, exhausted, and I am resenting my loved ones. I don’t know what to do. Is there any advice for me? #trans #Trauma #Depression #Anxiety #Comingout #Dysphoria

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    Started wearing makeup again!

    I’m nonbinary and was hesitant to start wearing makeup again because my chest makes me present as femme, no matter what I do. But! It’s fun to wear, and I like it, so I’m not going to let dysphoria take that from me 🏳️‍⚧️ #nonbinary #Dysphoria #Positivity

    1 comment
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    Burning the candle at both ends

    I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. I feel like I aged at least 5 years in 1 week. I have none of my antidepressant, none of my anti-anxiety, and on Tuesday the 14th my dad was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer. He was in the hospital until Friday. Then we had his son and his kids here. That was okay. But I am so tired I am just not okay. Nothing to help me sleep nothing to help me relax and stay calm. My fear/anxiety manifests as either anger or straight up malfunction.
    My husband is just as burned out. My mom is a wreck. My kids are always fighting. I am trying to work too. And put money aside to save for any medical treatment costs that my dads medical insurance won't cover.
    I am so tired.
    I just want to go to sleep. Wake up, and this will all have been one, long, intense nightmare. Can this just be a nightmare. Please? Make this a nightmare!
    I am scared.
    Migraines for a week and a half straight.
    Can't this all be over?
    #exhaustion #PancreaticCancer #Stress #Anxiety #Depression #nightmare ##Medication #money #moneyworries #Dysphoria #Migraine

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    Late night stillness

    I still haven't been able to sleep off this off feeling that I've been having.. i think I'm about to hit a low spot. I don't know when I'll drop but I can feel it. It could be hours, days, or even weeks away.. i won't know how bad it will be until I get there.

    Even right now before the real drop down into darkness, as I sit in silence, all of the feelings of never being good enough and being despensible circle through my mind. It's hard being rational about it when you've spent you whole life feeling that way because people you cared about, that were supposed to care about you, made you feel that way, repeatedly.. that shit sticks, nobody really realizes how hard that shit sticks with you..

    The world around me is silent, but my mind is screaming and my heart is aching.. and everything feels too loud even if there isn't any sound..

    This is what I hear day in, day out..
    You'll never be good enough for anyone
    People only pity you
    You'll never be man enough
    No one will ever see the man you're supposed to be
    You'll always be seen as female
    No one cares enough to even try to use your new name and correct pronouns
    No one really loves you, they just need something or want something
    Even your parents and your sister don't call you unless they need something
    You'll always come 2nd
    No one is ever going to choose you
    You'll always be a burden on people
    You'll always be alone so what's the point of sticking around

    The rational part of me knows deep down that I shouldn't listen to any of it, that it's not true or that I shouldn't let it get to me.. but it's sometimes almost impossible to ignore it.. because some of it is true and its so hard to distinguish between what dysphoria and depression are telling me and what the rational side of me knows to be true..

    I'm scared of how exhausted I am.. it never leads to good things.. ive blacked out before and woke up bloody when I've felt like this.. I'm so tired of feeling this way but I can't make it stop.. even in my sleep I can't escape it, I feel this stuff even in my dreams..

    shit like this is why people kill themselves.. i literally have to stop myself because I have a child that needs me to care for her.. if it wasn't for her I'd probably be dead already.. even then she'd probably be better off with out me.. she won't have to get picked on in school because of me or grow up having to deal with me and my issues..

    Everyday is a struggle for survival and other days i just have to give up just to see another day because there is no energy left to fight..#Transgender #Dysphoria #Depression #Anxiety

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    Do you think Antidepressant/SSRI induced chronic illness is possible? #Undiagnosed

    I’m almost 20, and I’ve been on antidepressants (name it, I’ve probably been on it at some point) since I was eleven. I honestly believe they stunted my growth (I barely have a menstrual cycle and I literally look like a 12 year old permanently. It sucks. On top of that, I was premature so that adds to the equation lol). I’m starting to think that my physical issues could be the result of accidental antidepressant abuse. Accidental, meaning I didn’t really have a say in the matter, for various reasons. Plus I bet my parents never thought about it and think everything’s so normal). If you’ve had antidepressant induced chronic illness, or know someone who had something like this, lmk

    #Antidepressant #SSRI #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #ChronicFatigue #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #Lupus #LymeDisease #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #MedicalTrauma #Dysautonomia #AutonomicDysfunction #Prematurity #Amenorrhea #UndiagnosedIllness #Dysphoria #Dyspraxia #SensoryProcessingDisorder #MultipleSclerosis #LowMuscleTone #Trauma #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Fatigue #Neuropathy #Inflammation #Tinnitus #Fibromyalgia #DependentPersonalityDisorder #HistrionicPersonalityDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #EmotionalAbuse #RejectionSensitiveDysphoria #help

    6 comments
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    Girl Feelings

    I have always hated being a "girl" and to be honest, I am not huge on other "girls" either.
    I think this goes back to being abused for being born first. My brother was the one who was supposed to be the first born son and Pride of the family.
    I was just a girl.
    Growing up away from my father, girls were mean, hurtful, gossiping, spiteful, rude, prissy, and just people I didn't want to be around.
    I wanted to fix cars, climb trees, build lego monuments, watch Thundercats and He-Man, and get as muddy as possible.
    In high school, however, girls got all the attention. Makeup, hairspray, giggles, gossip, and then there was me. Swearing, getting muddy, pushing cars, throwing punches and taking them, drinking guys under the table.
    Just one of the guys. I loved and loathed it.
    Being a girl was vulnerable, you get hurt, cheated on, broken, back stabbed, and treated like you don't matter.
    Being one of the guys made the girls hate you, the guys didn't even notice you.
    I grew up literally hating absolutely everything about myself.
    So, now I am fighting to rewire my brain.
    Gods.
    How do I even do this.
    I am just one person against 39 years of abuse, self hate, trauma, and girl feelings.
    Can't I for once, look how I feel, feel how I want, and just not be what I am????
    #Depression #dysphori #Dysphoria #androgynous #GenderDysphoria #Abuse #Selfhate #Anxiety

    3 comments