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My view right now
This image from a friend's car wreck last week feels exactly right for my view of life right now.
It's raining and my view is blurry. There seem to be tree branches in the way that I am terrified could be a shattered windshield just waiting for the right gust of wind to blow it away. You can't see it here, but I could feel rain slipping in where the sunroof no longer connected to the roof of the car. There's a sense of devestation and skewed perception.
I know the feeling. I keep looking around and seeing every potential negative that could lead up to crisis. I keep fearing the worst and telling my husband. I am not trying to poison him or make him feel defeated, but I feel like I am.
It may sound ludicrous, but I have lived through so many tragedies that I spot patterns significantly earlier than most people do. I have been tested for pattern recognition and mental illness. My pattern recognition scores are off the charts. My mental illness is always seen as mild with situational severity until the situation has resolved.
I am often right to the disallusionment of people around me. They want me to be wrong; I want me to be wrong, but often I am not. The question usually becomes how much of it is self-fulfilling prophecy.
The fact is talking about my fears of the patterns I see too early causes the people I love most to withdraw from me. I present problems too big for them to solve, too large for anyone to solve on their own.
I catastrophize in my head and cause others to all run screaming to avoid being collatoral damage. And, I can hardly blame them. I don't want to see and know the bad things before they happen either. I have just seen so many tragedies that I recognize the signs sooner. I don't want to, but I do.
I know what I am doing. I just don't know what to do about it right this minute.
#Anxiety #catastrophizing
#Depression #Fear #
