collegelife

I just enrolled in a new health care plan. It doesn't take affect until January.
I realized that I might have ADD in June. I haven't been able to see anyone to get this confirmed and get help. Meanwhile, I don't want to put college on hold to deal with this. However, I'm struggling. I had to drop all of my classes this Fall semester. I have an extremely accelerated Speech course in December and I just know it's going to be difficult.

How do I know when I'm crossing a line? There's a difference between knowing I'm doing (or not doing) something because I might have ADD and using it as an excuse or a crutch. Sometimes I have a hard time seeing that line and I'm either blaming myself too much or not holding myself responsible at all. It shouldn't even matter because I always try not to worry about things that have already happened since you can't change them. The problem is I keep making the same mistakes and nothing ever changes. How do you find balance with this?

Its so frustrating not being sure if I have ADD or not. I'm in my early twenties and I've only had one job, where I worked for a year. I got laid off because of COVID but it wasn't exactly sustaining me. If anything, I was relieved because I hated it. Every shift was a struggle to keep working because I was losing it inside my head over how pointless and Sisyphean it felt. I want a job but I don't want to be miserable and bitter every time I have to work. I feel like a failure and I'm worried about how my family sees me. I know I can't read their minds, but I don't want them to see me as a deadbeat. I know it can't be just how I am because I want to be better. I want to succeed but it's so hard and I don't understand why it's so hard.

I'm pretty sure I do have ADD because both of my siblings have it. I just don't understand why I wasn't diagnosed as a child and they were. It's hard for me to wrap my head around why I have such a hard time with things they seem to do so easily. I keep comparing myself to them. They seem to be doing better in every aspect of their lives. The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that none of that matters to them and they love me now matter what.

I'm just waiting to get help.