conqueringlife

#52SmallThings

Today I'm going to allow myself to dream about the life I really want. And believe that I deserve a new beginning. For three and a half years I've been dreaming about, thinking about, planning and preparing mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually to pursue the "new" life that I really want. First, it has been working on believing that I deserve to be happy and that it matters what I want. After all, it IS my life! After my rape, my PTSD causes me to constantly look over my shoulder and scan crowds or anywhere theres a lot of people I dont know. I can never just relax. Im always on high alert. Ive had a lot of people tell me that if I move, I'm running away. To me, I've thought a lot about this and have been working on things in counseling. I feel I'm not running away, I'm running towards something. But my OCD, anxiety and depression cause me to overthink everything! My plan is to move from Minnesota (which is where I've grown up and have never really liked) to New York. At 54, I've given a lot of thought to every aspect of my life and what I really want. In therapy working through fears and insecurities. The fear that I'll move and I'll still never have anyone. That my mental and physical health will always get in the way of my happiness and what I really want. For 18 years, I've been told that I should never be in a relationship until I have completely "fixed" my depression and anxiety. I used to believe that. I believed what Doctors, friends and Pastors told me. Because what do I know, I was the one who was "messed up", right?! How far I've come in my thinking. Not that I dont digress. I have a lot of decisions to make, which can be very difficult for me, when depressed, afraid and anxious. I'm so afraid of failing, my OCD causes me to obsessively think about it, until I get really depressed. To the point where I can't get out of bed, cant shower and truthfully, at times become suicdal. Mostly, because I "can't" have the life I want. So today, my small thing is to allow myself to dream about what I want my life to look like. And to dream about the possibilities and about all the things, that might just go right!!
#accomplishingdreams #PTSD
#OCD #aces #livingyourlife
#Depression . #Anxiety
#ideserveit #onesmallstep
#pursuingrelationships
#fightingthefear . #conqueringlife
#newyork2019