*TRIGGER WARNING: ⚠️ grooming/neglect/abuse/trauma
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I feel like I am drowning right now. Gasping for air. This last few months it has been nothing but this feeling. I have been being flooded with trauma memories and flashbacks that don't line up. They are scattered visual images, sensory information, and dissociated states that don't make sense. They are pieceing together thanks to a great therapist, but the picture isn't something I want to see.

My counselor told me yesterday in our session that she believes my parents are abusive narcissists who groomed my younger sister and I by using covert sexual abuse tactics. I feel absolutely broken. They continue to use their tactics to control my every decision. She told me that ultimately I may never feel free of them unless I pick up my entire life and leave no forwarding address and move. They won't let go of me. It is at a point where I need a restraining order because they won't let go. I can't make a move in my life without them thinking they are entitled to know about it or have a say or be involved. They want access to my children and I am trying to protect them at every cost. It's been almost 2 years since I have spoken to my parents or seen their faces yet all of this is happening.

I feel trapped. Lost. Stuck. I just can't do this anymore. I am battling multiple invisible chronic illnesses due to medical neglect and the trauma in my body and I am fighting everyday to just survive. I am working hard to heal patterns and I don't want to this cycle to ever continue. Our little family is beautiful and they are thriving ...I just feel like I am drowning.

The hardest part is the broken memories and not knowing what actually happened to me. I have broken and missing memories and a TBI...so my brain really doesn't work. It protected me and I am grateful for that but I still am terrified of what I don't know. I don't know how to handle all the emotions coming all with this. I feel so scared and I am very worried that I will relapse into old behaviors right now. I need a community of support....but unfortunately so don't have that either. Chronic Illness and me deciding to finally be true to myself took people away too. I just feel so lost and alone and all it is doing is reinforcing the lie that my parents spewed out .....that I am the problem.