Hello All, I’m wondering if you’ve had any experience with IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy, and, if so, how you think it’s working. I struggle with complex PTSD as result of longterm abuse and neglect. I sought EMDR but my new therapist seems to gravitate more to IFS with a little EMDR thrown in but not the focus. I was more interested in EMDR but am now confused which is more beneficial. All thoughts welcome.
2 reactions Hi, my name is LG13. I'm here because I feel like everything is wrong with me but it’s all on the insides so no one understands. I feel like I have to explain and when I do, it sounds so lame that I'm sure nobody believes me. I feel so guilty every day for what I can’t do. I feel like a bad wife, mother, grandmother and friend because I neglect everything I should be doing for these relationships to last. I just can’t list my health issues right now, it’s just too much. I know there are others that are much worse off than I am. I feel like an imposter.
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When you think of chronic pain, people often think that physical injuries or medical conditions are the primary culprits. However, there is actually a significant connection between trauma and chronic pain, such as migraines, headaches, IBS, back pain, and other persistent physiological issues. There is an intricate relationship between your mind and body, and how past traumatic experiences can be unconsciously carried through life when not healed, manifesting as ongoing physical discomfort.
Traumatic events can have a way of rewiring how your brain and nervous system responds to pain, leading to increased pain sensitivity. This can explain why people are able to experience chronic pain without apparent physical causes. Understanding this shows why treating both the physical symptoms as well as underlying trauma and emotional elements of chronic pain is so important. Healthcare professionals should encourage, especially in cases where the cause of pain is inorganic or not clear, that psychotherapy is included in the treatment plan for people struggling with chronic pain.
The Link Between Trauma and Chronic Pain
The complex relationship between mind and body plays a significant role in how trauma can lead to chronic pain. Traumatic experiences, especially when severe or prolonged, can alter the way the brain processes pain, which can result in responding with persistent pain even without ongoing physical injury actually happening. This is especially notable when present experiences emotionally trigger old trauma, causing pain to increase in the body, triggering migraines, and more.
Trauma can also cause the nervous system to become hypersensitive. This heightened state can cause the brain to perceive normal sensory signals with pain responses, contributing to chronic pain without an apparent physical cause. Additionally, chronic stress and trauma can induce an inflammatory response within the nervous system that can further alter pain signal processing, which can increase both the duration of pain, and amplify the experience of pain, as well.
When you experience trauma, your body enters a heightened state of alert, which involves the release of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. Although this is an effective short-term stress response to help with fight or flight, ongoing stress from unresolved trauma can result in several health issues as well as inflammation, muscle tension, and more.
Migraines and Stigma
As a therapist who specializes in trauma and working with people with chronic migraines, one of the more complex issues I've encountered is actually the worry some people have that linking migraines to mental health will validate the idea that the migraines are "all in their head". For many migraine sufferers, they have gone through life tortured by migraines, but since it's not visible in the same way other physical illnesses are, they have been told by people around them that they're causing the migraines or that it's all in their head. Therefore, many feel they need to be able to point to a medical-only cause of their migraines in order to prove the legitimacy of their suffering (one could also say it's a trauma for many migraine-sufferers being blamed for their suffering throughout their lives and not understood or really heard).
Unfortunately, this stigma has caused many people to not seek treatments that could ease their suffering, such as therapy focused on migraines and headaches, and what may be emotionally reinforcing or playing into the chronic pain in this area. Obviously, there are certain times where migraines are caused by something more purely medical. But I have seen the difference it makes for people when they are able to allow themselves to explore beyond the medical and look at the emotional side of migraines and other forms of chronic pain. This doesn't mean that your pain is any less real or that it's all in your head. The pain and experience of the struggle is still valid and real. This goes for any chronic pain that has been unseen or invalidated over time.
Childhood and Emotional Trauma
Adverse childhood experiences can significantly increase the risk of developing chronic pain in adulthood. These traumatic events may include physical or emotional abuse, neglect, or bullying. Family dysfunction or witnessing discord between parents on a regular basis can also play a role, as well as other experiences not included here. People with multiple adverse childhood experiences are generally more likely to experience trauma responses later in life. (While this post is more about chronic pain, trauma responses can include a number of different mental health struggles such as anxiety, depression, phobias, and more).
Getting Help and Reducing Your Struggle
Understanding the connection between physiological, psychological, and emotional is important for developing effective treatment strategies that addresses both the emotional and physiological aspects of chronic pain. As mentioned above, it's important that healthcare professionals encourage people struggling with any form of unexplained chronic pain to round out their treatment with therapy. I've seen people who've felt helpless with medical treatments make significant strides forward in the reduction of frequency and intensity of chronic migraines and other forms of chronic pain. It is possible to break free from the cycle of trauma and chronic pain, and to reduce your suffering.
#Migraine #Trauma #ChronicPain #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #Headache #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Fibromyalgia
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Mikael: So what are we gonna do?
Grenn: You know all I want in life is happiness. Spending time with my family, going out with friends and a normal life, but the happiness and life I deserved to live took a turn and shattered once I reached my hand to grab it. It seems the world is against me and throw fireballs and knives in an attempt to wound me. Yet the world I described just now was actually my own corrupted consciousness, like a big dome covering my whole life and mimics the real world in a distorted way.
Yet the real world is also neglecting me, hurting me. Why? Because the people in it can never see through my silent pain. The real world has so much stigma, neglect, ignorance, judgements and discrimination towards us........ yes their might be people who is more empathetic towards us but, they still can’t fully...... one hundred percent feel the deepest pit of our pain. Some of their words can still hurt us.
Mikael: That would mean there’s no place for us to be truly feel relief.
Grenn: But we can’t just let it end us... who are we called a person if we just let our enemy destory every part of us... even if life is chaotic in every angle we see... we still have to fight......... there is no another way but to fight...
Mikael: (Fight even if there is no other way?)
Grenn: That’s why I want to create a place that doesn’t belong to both our “distorted reality” and the real world.
Cedric: What do you mean?
Argel: Wait are you saying we imagine a place that....
Grenn: Yes, let’s create places that would be our own safe haven..... even if it’s just an illusion.
Argel: But it’s not real it’s just an escape.... oh yeah I get it now...
Grenn: It doesn’t matter that its just temporary, the world already bleed and inflict is with so many wounds, we still deserve to feel that we belong and share our burdens with... we just want to smile a real smile, rather than we smile to hide our pain.... even if it would just last a day, a month or a year... maybe the happiness we feel is just a mirage......but I know deep inside my heart........ it will soon be real. When the four of us will always be together we are unstoppable............ as the victims of mental illnesses............ we are the world’s greatest warriors even we will never be known.
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Hi, my name is GunnarTA. I'm here because along with the listed below I also have issues regarding child hood emotional neglect which I must add was not a deliberate act from my mum as she too was the same from her parents. I need to confront and get through some of this and let go of the pain I carry
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I think I am being emotionally abused by my adult son and the way,as my legal guardian, he has been treating me. It’s a complicated situation and I have Bpd so I am going to try to get the situation across without over explaining- a character flaw I am guilty of.
Just before Christmas I was the target of a sophisticated identity theft scam on a social media platform. I took all the appropriate measures necessary as soon as I realized what was happening. I was not careful and released my personal information. I didn’t lose anything material - at least not yet.
Back to my son. He became my guardian two years ago when I was in a mental health hell. I am now in a much better space but still struggling. That was until I told him what happened and his actions and inactions are why I am questioning emotional abuse currently. I can’t get into most of what is going on but I can say that I believe he is abusing me in every way except he doesn’t hit me and there is no SA.
Two days before Christmas, after I informed him about the scam, he came to my place and stole my phone, tablet and laptop. He wiped them clean of everything including my contacts. My browser. Deleted my email account. All programs even those that I paid for. The few programs that he left were useless.
He also hijacked my Apple ID account and fraudulently put himself as my parent. He changed my birth year to 2020 so now apple thinks I am a 4 year old child with no privileges or choices over my own account. He put a pin # on every possible decision or change that could possibly help me restore my devices.
I need to back up and let you know why the internet and devices are so important to me. I have a mountain of physical and mental health issues that necessitate me living in an assisted living facility. I am the only one in my pod without dementia’s. There is literally no one to socialize with. The facility is grossly understaffed and the staff doesn’t have time to humor me. I have zero concentration so reading is difficult. I’m hearing impaired so music isn’t much to me. I have stories from childhood that could curl your toe nails. A whopper of a case of CPTSD. The only adult coping skill I have had success with is distraction…… through my devices and internet. My sons criminal action of theft and his fraudulently restructuring my data have resulting in collapsing into the abyss of not being able to distinguish between physical and mental health issues. You don’t have any other background that contributes to my current situation and I would be here for the rest of the night explaining. In an entirely unrelated situation he is inflicting medical neglect. This past summer he all of a sudden put restrictions on me through my facility. One of those is that I am not allowed to leave the building.
He did give my phone and tablet back Christmas afternoon. They are useless! The few programs left are not programs that provide support. And they don’t function without a browser. If that wasn’t enough he changed passwords. My brand new iPhone could dial out but he put a tracker software on it and he deleted my contacts file so I had no info to contact anyone. He also let me text but only him. I’m paying a lot of money for a smart phone to be basically useless. The iPad does nothing. He hasn’t given the laptop back.
I access both therapy and my psychiatrist through telehealth on my missing laptop. I am in crisis without help within reach. I have no distraction from this awful experience. I feel violated from the scam. Violated from the theft. Violated from the fraud. I sleep with a tracker and since this started the most sleep I have gotten in one night is 1 hour and 13 minutes. Can’t eat. I lost 6 pounds last week. Racing thoughts. Brain fog. Can’t track conversations. Feel like a major disaster is right around the corner. This is causing emotional upheaval as well as significant physical issues. I feel devalued and worthless. I feel betrayed and hurt. But I have other tumultuous feelings that I can’t put a name to because I was never taught. Physical symptoms are all encompassing from head to toe. I literately don’t know physical from emotional at this point. All I know for sure is that I have no other coping skills and no tools to help myself. Is this emotional abuse or am I a freak who just can’t cope?
Thank you for going on this wild ride and letting me vent. Also thank you to one of my staff who started loaning me her tablet when she works. I trying to reconnect with my programs online but he changed all my passwords. He says he is protecting me. From what?
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I am in a horrible situation. Two years ago I was in a terrible mental state and my son obtained legal guardianship. It was a legitimate move in and of itself. However he lied to the court to make sure he was appointed. He reported that I was severely mentally ill - true fact. But he also reported that I was abusing thc as well. I had never touched the stuff. He was granted his request.
Fast forward to the present and I am in a much better state of mind in regards to thinking processes. I still struggle with my demons mostly resulting from CPTSD. The one and only coping skill I have been able to master is distraction. I live in an assisted living facility and I am the only one in my pod who isnt lost in the abyss of dementia. So there is no socialization possible for me. I spend my days doing various things online. I research a lot about my laundry list of physical and mental health challenges trying to learn ways to alleviate troubling symptoms. I do a little social media among my activities. The internet is my sole distraction coping mechanism.
The impossible situation started in the beginning of December. I started being hounded on social media about a financial grant available through the government for low income disabled people. A few days before Christmas I clicked on the link and the tumble into the abyss unfolded. I was the victim of a sophisticated identity theft scam. They didn’t get anything but my critical identification information before I realized it was a scam.
I took immediate action. 67 screenshots to document every communication. Unfollowing the 6 profiles involved. Reporting to the site administrators. Blocked their profiles. Deleted all messages involved. Changed all of my passwords and their recovery methods. Reported what happened to my son. I did everything I could think of to try to protect myself.
The scammers are not the direct culprit in the situation I am now in. On December 22, my son came to my residence and physically stole my iPad, my iPhone, and my Mac book. Every device I have and paid for entirely on my own. I immediately called the police. They said that they were not familiar with guardianship rights so they were not going to charge him with theft. They believed that guardianship automatically made it a civil matter. I had lost my only grip on self help.
He had made demands as to how my living facility treats me as soon as the courts gave him his title. I am not allowed to leave the facility without him is a biggie. I am trapped in these four walls with no socialization. My family of origin and my friends live halfway across the country so I don’t get any visits with them. Without my electronics there is just nothing for me as far as coping strategies and a connection with the outside world.
Christmas Day he returned my phone and tablet. He had wiped them clean of the programs I had put on them while I put my recovery process in motion. He left no internet access. No browser. Deleted my email address. He left Four programs that he decided were ok. But they don’t function without a browser and email. He then went a step further and hijacked my Apple account and made him the owner. He changed my birth year to 2020 so Apple thinks my profile belongs to a 4 year old and I have no privileges to restore it. He put a pin on every possible avenue to function on my devices. The only thing I could do was talk and text - but he destroyed my contacts so there was nothing. He is the only entry in my texting program. He completely made me a prisoner of these 4 walls. My psychiatrist and therapist are both accessed through telehealth. They are not reachable without a browser. I couldn’t even wish my family a Merry Christmas because I have no contact information. He has done so many abusive things that are not appropriate to go into but I think you can imagine. His abuses run the whole gamut except he has not hit me or SA.
Now the rest of the story thus far. I am a physical and emotional prisoner to myself. I am left dwelling upon all the things that make me think and feel worthless and undeserving. My flashbacks are on overdrive. My thoughts race. Lots of dissociation (DID being only one of many mental health issues). I have always had SI but now it is relentless. The voices become deafening. I use a sleep tracker for insomnia and the longest I have slept has been 1 hour and 18 minutes per night. I lost6 pounds last week. I am having dire problems with my physical health as well. I can’t begin to list them all but just know they are debilitating in their entirety. I am at a point where I don’t know what is mental or what is physical. And I am so alone with it all. The only way I am able to reach out right now is one of my staff brought me her tablet to borrow for a few hours. I can’t touch base with my other programs because he somehow managed to change the passwords.
The staff here are outraged at the things he is doing. To my knowledge there have been four mandated reports of vulnerable adult abuse made. One of the administrators helped me fill out and file court documents to have my son removed as my guardian. They are doing what they can to help but he is taking liberties that are not just causing me harm but also violate my rights as a breathing human being. He is also committing medical neglect as a result of an entirely unrelated matter. As a result I am having stress induced triggers of MCAS, Dysautonomia, POTs, several heart conditions, brain fog, memory issues, can’t eat, rapid weight loss, can’t sleep, already extreme physical pain has become almost intolerable, constantly feeling like something terrible is imminent, stomach motility, IBS flare, migraines the list goes on…
For someone on the outside it might be hard to understand why this affects me so deeply. But incidents from my past are so disrurbing that even my own brain can’t comprehend. It has been a valiant struggle to cope day to day. Distraction is it for me at this point and my son ripped that away. On top of my struggles, I am heartbroken about the possibility of losing my son from my life altogether. I don’t think he even comes close to the realization of the depth of damage he is doing. He says that is protecting me. From what? The scam has already done whatever it is going to do. My info is out there. It does not matter if I am treated like a 4 year old and isolated from everyone and everything. This is insane and is just wrong.
I made arrangements with my phone carrier to get a new phone and a new Apple ID. My son found out because he has a track on my line. He inserted himself into my account violating the privacy policy and dismissed that situation. I pay my own bills and I am the only authorized person on the account. Yet again, he is getting away with violating his power and keeping me in the most alone place I have ever been. He has completely isolated me from the outside world by a series of actions. Then to top it off I feel guilty. The vulnerable adult charges almost guarantee that he will lose his job. He is an RN for a hospice service. If he is convicted he will lose his nursing license. As severely as I am suffering from what I have shared and by what I cannot share in this forum. I do not want him to pay that price. All I want is for him to restore what he has taken and to understand what his other actions and inactions are doing to his mother. He was not raised to treat any living thing with such disdain - especially not in the name of love and protection.
This post was mostly a vent to try and make sense of this mess. It has in fact helped me organize some of my thoughts. I have been working on this post for almost 3 hours now. Am I overreacting? Am I simply regressing into my pothole of mental problems?
Thank you for your time and consideration for reading to the end.
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Experiencing feelings of failure and underachievement can be frustrating and defeating, especially when you feel like you're capable of more, or you're doing what seems to be enough but are not feeling rewarded or appreciated for your efforts. When feeling like you're not good enough, or like you're failing at something -- a relationship, a job, etc. -- it can start to not only hurt your confidence, but can also hurt your sense of self-worth.
Feelings of underachievement, however, don’t always reflect reality. Even highly productive people may sometimes still see themselves as falling short, creating a disconnect between achieving and the perception of not doing (or being) enough. These persistent feelings of coming up short can make it difficult to experience success in relationships, work, or other aspects of life, and can actually lead to break ups, or self-fulfilling prophecies that can create the failure that you fear. For many, misaligned feelings of failure can lead to constantly looking for a better situation and repeatedly starting over, believing that the problem is external and not internal.
Perfectionism Can Cause Feelings of Failure and Underachievement
Perfectionism can be a double-edged sword. While it may help drive you to excel, it can also set unrealistic standards and expectations that actually set up disappointment and feeling like you're failing, even if you may doing enough in other people's eyes. You may constantly strive for an unattainable ideal, in the process overlooking your achievements along the way.
For many people, this can lead to a sense of imposter syndrome, and can make you feel defeated. You may start to doubt your abilities and feel undeserving of success, often feeling like you may not know what you're doing at work, or feeling like you're not enough in your relationship (which can create other relationship issues as well).
How Society Can Exacerbate Feelings of Underachievement
In today’s world, people are bombarded with images of others’ successes (or, at least the successes the others portray). This comparison culture can lead to feelings of inadequacy and failure, even when you’re succeeding in or your own life, making progress, doing enough, or being enough. Social media, in particular, often presents a curated version of reality, and for many people, comparing themselves to these images can make it easy to feel like they're falling behind or not achieving enough in their life.
A person's sense of achievement can also be significantly impacted by societal stereotypes and expectations based on gender, race, or socioeconomic status. This can create added pressure to conform or excel in specific areas, potentially overshadowing your own unique strengths and accomplishments.
Growing Up, Self-Worth, and Self-Esteem
There are a number of factors based on upbringing that can make people lean more towards perfectionism and feeling like they are constantly underachieving or failing. Issues with self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence can show up as part of family dynamics, difficulty socially, friction at home, being bullied at school, academic expectations, and so on.
When a child feels like they aren't good enough, or are struggling to make their mark at home with their parents, at school as a student, are struggling socially, or when things happen at home such as neglect, abuse, divorce, and more, it can be difficult to develop a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem. For a number of deeper psychological and emotional reasons, when a person feels like they're falling short, or are not enough as a child, it often can lead as an adult to pushing harder to achieve in order to gain self-acceptance (and acceptance and approval from others). And, while you may actually be doing enough, it still can feel like you're really falling short or still failing because you may be carrying the emotional impact of your childhood with you.
Grass is Greener Syndrome
If you have read my other posts on Grass is Greener Syndrome (check my website if you're reading this elsewhere), you may have seen how perfectionism and feelings of not being enough can make it very hard to feel satisfied in life, in relationships, in work, or where you live (among other things). When you're not feeling like you are good enough and are constantly falling short with yourself, it can lead to feeling like things around you are also falling short of what you need. For many, this is a piece of the greater grass is greener cycle that can keep people in a loop of starting over and looking for the "better" scenario that's going to make them happy. However, when not addressing the deeper inadequacy leading to feelings of misaligned failure and falling short, this cycle of feeling like nothing is good enough can be hard to break.
Seeking Help and Moving Forward
If you notice a pattern within yourself that you're constantly seeming to come up short, or are at least often feel like you're not meeting expectations, or that others are disappointed in you, and so on, seeking therapy is a good place to start to work on this. If it turns out you are actually falling short, then it would be helpful to start to understand why this is happening and how to get you onto a better track. If you are actually struggling more with a sense of self-worth rather than actually falling short, then it would be good to understand this misalignment on the inside versus reality in the world so it doesn't lead to greater self-destructive tendencies.
4 reactions Slight vent////
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So, as people who have read past posts of mine know, I have social anxiety. Pretty bad social anxiety at that. I was diagnosed at the age of 4. I've talked about my fear of big crowds and of people with my parents before. While my youngest brother was listening.
Normally, I wouldn't have thought much about it. But an incident at Mcdonalds one day made me regret talking about it when he was around.
We were at Mcdonalds, and this one happened to have a play place. My other brother, the middle child, wanted to play there and at first, my youngest brother did as well. But the second my youngest brother saw how many people were in there, he freaked.
The thing is this has never happened before. My youngest brother is always the first to want to go into the place. Sure, you might think he might have social anxiety as well, but he hasn't done anything like that ever since. He started complaining that 'oh there are too many people in there' though that has never bothered him before, and 'oh I want to go home'.
Kid even started crying. My other brother was so mad when my male guardian, the only one with us as my mom was at work, said he couldn't go in and took us home.
And who got in trouble for my youngest brothers little fit? Me. I did. When we got home my male guardian looked at me and asked me why I had spoken about my fears. Like excuse me? Because you're my father and you should know how I feel? He told me not to talk about it in front of my little brother again because apparently it was my fault that he acted that way because I hadn't known my brother was listening to our conversations.
Thats not the only time something like that has happened. I've also told my parents about my gender dysphoria and how I felt more like a guy, youngest brother was listening, claimed to be a trans girl once (I know he's not now as he keeps talking about how he's a boy and doesn't want to be a girl) and again, guess who got in trouble for simply talking about it. Me. The look my male guardian gave me made me feel bad I told him about my feelings.
I told a past therapist about it but all she did was say 'okay' and seemingly shrugged it off. Thats why I wanted to talk about it here. My male guardian is good about helping with my physical health but is pretty emotionally neglective towards me. But I just needed to get this off my chest as its been really bothering me.
#SocialAnxiety #Depression #Anxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialPhobia #neglect #MentalHealth #emotinalneglect #MightyTogether
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Slight vent////
As I said above, I don't know how I got so lucky. In what way might you ask? Well, to put it simply, my relationship.
My current relationship it's the longest I've been in. a year next month. And I don't know how they still want to be with me.
I have ADHD, Depression, Anxiety (social), Gender dysphoria, Pedophobia, Abandonment issues (Anxious attachment style), and trust issues which can make relationships hard for me. I get easily attached to people, with that lingering feeling that I'm going to be abandoned. Not very fun.
I've had people (mainly friends) just randomly stop talking to me with no reason. And I mean like, most of my friends ever.
My first relationship was pretty toxic, but I stayed with that person because I felt reliant on them. My next relationship went pretty well until they broke up with me and decided then that everything was wrong with me.
So going into this relationship was slightly scary for me. But I am very, very glad I did. I would not change a single thing about my partner. They love me, for me. We are both aromantic which is nice because I don't feel forced to be romantic. We are both Lgbtq in some way which is also very nice.
We are long distance, very long distance, but they still find time to talk to me. We talk almost 6 hours a day when I'm at school. I know them, they know me, and we respect each other. We understand each other's problems and whenever I need reassurance or validation (which I see myself needing a lot of) I know I can reach out to them.
I feel pretty emotionally neglected by my male guardian, which I hate to admit as he tries so hard to make sure I'm healthy, but is just not very good at helping with my emotional problems and always tries to change the subject or say "Well I know exactly how you feel because ....." and I hate saying this but that doesn't help me at all? Is that okay? Or am I asking for to much?
But I know I can turn to my partner for any emotional validation I need. I've never felt that way with someone.
#Depression #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialPhobia #Pedophobia #ADHD #abandonmentissues #trustissues #neglect #MentalHealth #MightyTogether #GenderDysphoria
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