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My new blog - RISE ABOVE YOUR NORM

Rise Above Your Norm

A new perspective

about

riseaboveyournormblog.wordpress.com

Hey there—my name is Jacqueline Hayes. First and foremost, I am a proud mother of seven and a grandmother to three beautiful girls.

I am a published author of the book B.R.O.K.E.N., and I hold a degree in Social Work with over a decade of experience in the field of child welfare.

My passion lies in trauma mental health. I aspire to open my own private practice, specializing in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), domestic violence, and sexual abuse. This blog is my space to share the wisdom I’ve gained through both personal and professional experiences.

A little about my journey: I grew up in a family of both white and Aboriginal heritage. As a Black child in that environment, where only one cousin and one of my brothers looked like me, I often felt invisible and different. My childhood was marked by neglect, isolation, and various forms of abuse—verbal, emotional, and sexual. I still vividly remember being told I was “broken” by someone I looked up to.

Throughout my life, I have faced and continue to face many challenges—sexual abuse, exploitation, addiction, domestic violence, and ongoing struggles with mental health. I won’t pretend I’ve conquered all these battles, but I continue to learn and grow. I believe my life experiences have given me a unique perspective, and I’m here to share what I’ve learned with others who may be walking similar paths.

Professionally, I bring over 10 years of experience in counseling and frontline support. I’ve worked with individuals from all walks of life—women, men, and children affected by trauma, homelessness, addiction, and sexual exploitation. I have a deep understanding of the complex challenges families face, including the dynamics of family violence and sexualized behaviors.

My work is grounded in empathy, compassion, and relationship-building. I strive to empower others while navigating the intersecting issues of poverty, mental health, domestic violence, and immigration. Through meaningful communication and advocacy, I aim to support those facing some of life’s most difficult circumstances.

BigmommaJ

Rise Above Your Norm

A new perspective

Rise Above Your Norm

A new perspective
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Born into Ruins: A Survivor’s Story of Grief, Healing, and Home

I wrote this piece as a way to process and summarize parts of my story that I’ve carried for a long time. It’s personal, raw, and reflects the heavy realities of growing up in trauma, losing a parent, and eventually finding love and safety in unlikely places.

Sharing this isn’t easy, but I’m doing it in the hope that someone who’s lived through similar experiences might read it and feel even a small sense of comfort or recognition. You’re not alone.

(This was shared under a pen name for privacy. Thank you for reading.)—

Content Warning: Addiction, child abuse, death, emotional/physical neglect

Before I was ever took my first breath, my mother had already introduced me to crack, meth, cocaine, heroin, and pills—substances that formed the foundation of the world I was brought into. From the earliest years of my life, I slept on floors, park benches, sidewalks, and in homeless shelters. I was exposed to violence—physical, domestic, and even sexual—long before I could fully understand what any of it meant.

By the time I could form full memories, I had already seen things no child should. Strangers wandered in and out of our homes, often in altered states. I never knew their names, only that they weren’t safe. I learned early how to be quiet and careful. I lived anxious, always on edge, always afraid of what might happen next.

My parents, both worn down by addiction and desperation, tried to provide the only ways they knew how. If they weren’t selling food stamps or drugs, they were dumpster-diving, reselling expired snack cakes or stale chips—whatever they could find. When I was hungry, that’s what I ate.

Even when we had a roof over our heads, it was never truly shelter. Roaches, bed bugs, and fleas infested everything. Even if I had a bed, it wasn’t safe to sleep in. And when I didn’t, I lay on the floor, bugs crawling across my skin. The lice on my scalp got so bad, I remember people staring at me with wide eyes—pity, judgment, concern. Maybe all three.

School wasn’t a refuge. I missed it constantly—sometimes because my parents didn’t care to send me, sometimes because I couldn’t bear to go. Other kids whispered and pointed, calling out what was crawling on me. As cruel as it was, I understood. Who would want to sit next to the girl with bugs? So I stayed home. Truancy letters came, but nothing changed.

Eventually, our house was raided. CPS took me when I was around six. As terrified as I was to be separated from my parents, the roaches were gone. The strangers were gone. And for the first time, the fear was quieter—still there, but different. I was still a scared child. But I could breathe.

When I returned, things seemed… better. My parents had a new house. They looked happy. Maybe even sober. I remember being hopeful. But it didn’t last. The drugs came back. The strangers came back. The bugs. The hunger. The fear. It all came back.

If not for a friend’s mom down the street, I wouldn’t have eaten. Our fridge and stove were overrun with roaches. I remember asking my mom for a sandwich. She pointed to the bologna. It was already crawling. The fridge. The sink. The walls. Anywhere you looked—something was moving.

The few moments of joy I remember from childhood were always shadowed by fear, hunger, or exhaustion.

And then came the day that changed me forever.

I was nine. Five days before my tenth birthday. I walked through the side door, into the living room, and found my dad face down, unresponsive. I’d seen people pass out before—but this was different. I felt something shift inside me. I knew.

I ran to get help, but it was too late. I could feel the thread between us snap. The universe paused long enough to let my heart break.

That day never left me. The tightness in my throat, the weight in my lungs, the helplessness of knowing I couldn’t save him. Wanting to scream so loud it shattered the world.

“You don’t have a daddy anymore,” my mother sobbed.

When I went to say goodbye, it didn’t feel real. His blood still stained the carpet from the paramedics. His body was pale. Still. Cold. And that was strange—because I remembered how warm he always was. I held his finger one last time. His hands were always too big compared to mine. Then I let go.

He never came back. I’m not sure I did either.

I thought it couldn’t get worse. But it did. My mother unraveled. She disappeared emotionally, swallowed by grief and addiction. She was no longer a parent. I was alone. I cried myself to sleep most nights, wishing my dad would come back just to hold me one last time. But he didn’t. And no one else really did, either.

So I became the caregiver. I wiped her tears. I sat through her meltdowns. I tried to be strong. I was a child, trying to save a mother who had stopped trying. Eventually I realized—I was drowning too. And if I wanted to survive, I had to let go. Again.

At 13, my brother and his wife took me in. They were barely adults, just kids themselves, but they gave me what I never had: a home. My own room. A clean bed. A TV, a phone, even a game console. A full fridge. I never went to bed hungry again.

They stayed up with me night after night, combing every single bug and egg out of my hair—patiently, gently, lovingly. Until one day… they were gone. The bugs. The itching. The shame. The fear. They made sure I went to school every day. They stood up for me. They celebrated my birthday. They celebrated me. They cared.

They gave up their youth, their peace of mind—so I could have mine. They became parents when they hadn’t even finished growing up. They gave me what every child deserves: safety, love, stability, and most importantly—hope.

Life hasn’t been perfect since. But I can say, without hesitation, they saved me in every way a person can be saved.

They gave me a second chance at life. They are the reason I believe in love that heals. In people who choose to do good, even when life hasn’t been kind to them.

I owe them everything.

And to anyone out there who has lived, or is still living, through something like this: you’re not alone. You may have been dealt an impossible hand—but you are not broken. You are still here. You are worthy of love. Of healing. Of comfort & peace. If no one else has told you that—they should have.

So let me say it now:

I see you.
I hear you.
I believe you.
I love you.

#Childhooodtrauma #Grief #MentalHealth #Addiction #Healing #Survivor

(edited)
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I'm new here!

Hi Mighties! I'm Anita, and I'm so glad to be here.
I'm originally from Afghanistan and now living in Connecticut. Life brought me to the U.S. in 2023, and since then, it’s been a journey of big changes, challenges, and growth. I’m currently pursuing my Master’s in Public Administration, and I’m passionate about supporting immigrant and refugee communities because I know what it feels like to start over.
I recently wrote about a moment in my life that made me stop and ask, “Why do we invest so much in falling apart, but so little in staying together?” It was a reflection on my personal experience with divorce and what it revealed about how we, as individuals and as a society, often neglect peace, love, and unity.
I'm here because I believe in healing through storytelling. I believe in connecting through shared experience. And I believe The Mighty is one of the few spaces where vulnerability is strength and every voice matters.
Whether you’re here to read, write, heal, or simply feel less alone I’m honored to be walking this path with you.
Looking forward to learning from you and sharing with you 💙
Anita

#MightyTogether

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Master Presence by Mastering What’s in Front of You

The capability to stay present has become a valuable asset that most people neglect despite the speed of our modern world. The solution to achieve productivity and mental clarity exists in the mastery of what you currently have in front of you.

Your complete attention determines the outcome while performing email replies and workplace discussions and completing exercise activities. Your concentration becomes unstable whenever you admit outside interruptions or engage in multitasking efforts. Focused concentration on any single task allows you to develop a clear and sharp mental state that stays in control.

Make room for your concentration before starting anything. Establish phone quiet, maintain an organized space, and dedicate a brief amount of time to tackle a single task. Track down your thinking while you finish your work assignments. Pay attention to the distracting thoughts, then return your focus to the present activity. Daily practice of this short method develops your ability to maintain attention while doing anything in your life.

The practice of direct confrontation towards challenges is an important aspect of being present. Don’t rush through uncomfortable moments. Stay with them. Whenever we resist experiencing particular parts of life, growth is likely to appear there. Becoming fully present even through difficult tasks or conversations develops authentic mental strength in your life.

The key thing in being present is not to be faultless. Honesty about your current situation enables you to show all aspects of yourself completely. Regular practice of mastering present moments will increase your self-control across your professional responsibilities, personal relationships, and workplace targets.

Pay attention to the present situation. Real progress emerges from this location.

Know More: chop wood. carry water.

chop wood. carry water.

the parable about presence
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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is JustExhausted. I'm here because I was finally diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, depression & PTSD at 51 — clearing my head helped me uncover years of medical neglect. *Venting* After a lifetime of being dismissed, misdiagnosed, and never feeling truly seen by the medical system, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, depression, and PTSD at 51. I started medication on March 27, 2025 — and for the first time in my life, my mind was clear.
Within a few weeks, I was able to go online and review my medical records — something I never had the mental clarity or focus to do before. What I found completely devastated me: test results that were never disclosed, signs of autoimmune disease that were ignored, and a rheumatologist who dismissed me and refused treatment.
I wrote the piece below in a moment of overwhelming realization and emotional pain. It poured out of me as decades of suffering, betrayal, and silence finally surfaced. I’m sharing it here because I know I’m not the only one. If anyone out there has experienced similar medical neglect or knows how to get support or accountability, I’d be grateful to connect.
Personal Statement – 5/1/2025
My entire life has been a lie. One big mask. I will never know who I am or what I could have become. I can never get that time back to even know.
I now look back on it all, like I split into two different people, and see just how clueless and lost I was all of this time. It’s heartbreaking to see myself — and just how bad I truly was. I feel so betrayed, hurt, angry, and every other emotion out there. I feel like my life has zero meaning and never has. I lost so much already, and yet it still continues.
Nobody has ever wanted to help me medically, and now I will never get any justice. Doctors can do whatever they want and most times are never held accountable for their reckless ways. They get paid and go live their comfortable lives, while me — and people like me — are left to suffer.
Then I get clear-headed for the first time in my life and go do a ton of research that I could never do before. I gather a bunch of evidence, find out I was misdiagnosed, not told critical information, and left to waste away with zero hope. Now there’s a possibility of multiple autoimmune diseases and possible damage — and guess what? I am left to just eat it, because lawyers don’t even want to deal with me either, or give me a chance to present what I have. Instead, I’m dismissed again and again.
This has literally broken me and cut me deeper than anything ever has. I took a huge mental health hit with this one, and honestly, I don’t know if I can ever recover from it.
At this point, I really don’t care what the diagnoses are. Because I know in my heart I have been sick my entire life — screaming for help — and nobody listened to me. Ever.
I have been robbed.
I feel like I am nothing.
Women will never be heard/listened to or taken seriously.
I am lost. I am broken.

#MightyTogether #Anxiety

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Body reaction is a total surprise due to trauma !

Recently , I discovered that my scoliosis symptoms that I've been dealing with for a whole year isn't even existing physically, but it's psychological.. honestly I felt like I've been hit in the gut when I self discovered such a thing , knowing that the severe pain in my jaw , shoulders, neck and back is chronic stress due to my childhood trauma and years of tension , pain also neglect hit me hard
I'm a girl who faced SA for straight 8 years ; since I was 8 this started with a complete stranger who was actually a neighbour.. parents divorce didn't help either while having such a big tensioned house environment , I decided from the bottom of my heart recently to start listening to my body and soul , taking the first baby steps into healing but I know that my trauma wasn't easy and it still affects me with daily life basic communications , and I know that healing is also a pattern full of ups and downs that need support and understanding.. I hope I could build a community, a safe one to guide me we could help and support eachother ❤️ spreading love and kindness 🫶🏻
#PTSD #Anxiety #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #ChildhoodDisorders #AnorexiaNervosa #MentalHealth #CheerMeOn #Depression #Scoliosis #CheckInWithMe

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Depression and Self-Sabotage: Making the World Match You

Depression and feelings of low self-worth can have an impact in many areas of your life. Typical daily activities such as getting out of bed or going to work can feel daunting. Socializing and leaving the house can feel overwhelming, motivation can be hard to come by, your relationships may fall out of sync, etc. When feeling depressed, it's common for self-worth to also be compromised (and vice versa, low self-worth can feed depression. A vicious cycle).

Feeling Undeserving of Good

When experiencing low self-worth, it can feel like you're not deserving of the good things that come your way. For example, if your self-worth is low, you may on a deeper level feel like you don't deserve love, care, intimacy, success in career, a supportive relationship, respect from others, even simply good feelings, and more -- even when you crave it. When you're feeling undeserving of the good, it can be very difficult to know how to both see it when it's there, and receive it.

People generally desire good things in life. You likely want things that will make you happy and fulfilled. However, when your self-worth is struggling or you are feeling depressed, it can actually be incredibly tempting to unconsciously fall into patterns of pushing the good away.

The Impact of Trauma and Hurtful Experiences on Self-Worth

Self-sabotage patterns are quite complicated. It's not easy to convince somebody deep down that they deserve intimacy, to be loved, cared for, et al, especially if growing up they experienced bullying, harsh punishments for supposedly being "bad", abuse, neglect, loss, abandonment, trauma, and more.

For one example, it can be really unsettling to be cared for or close with someone else because maybe you're just waiting for them to find out how un-good you are. How long before this other person (or job, etc.) realizes that you're not worthy of their attention or effort? This is part of imposter syndrome. How long before people realize that you're not worth the good they're providing and therefore take it away? How long before you lose the good, whatever it may be?

Another example is if you've been bullied, abused, or neglected. The internal deeper feelings may be reluctant to become too close or vulnerable, to let your guard down, let someone in, or to trust care from others, especially if the people who were supposed to care for you growing up (and/or others) had a hand in making you feel hurt, or afraid, or actually did physically hurt you. It may be hard to trust that you're really ever safe being close to people.

Self-Sabotage and the Shame of Having Needs

The shame of having needs (and having them met) is a significant piece of self-sabotage patterns. The fear of losing something you need, or being hurt by your needs in the past can make it hard to want to need at all now. Why bother trying to have your needs met if you see the greater and intolerable pain coming, often becomes the narrative. When you're anticipating the pain, shame, or other deeply upsetting and maybe intolerable feelings, this is where self-sabotage patterns start to take over. Perhaps a part of you may feel like the shoe is eventually going to drop -- you're going to be hurt (physically, or otherwise), lose the good, be found out, etc. When you've been through deep pain before, it can become almost a form of torture just waiting for it to happen again. The longer in this unknown space of good being offered to you, in one way or another, or the more vulnerable you start to feel, the less in control of that eventual pain you may feel, and it can become scary.

In this space, the fear of the bad starts to take over. These deeper fears can actually show up unconsciously, and you may not realize fully that they are there. But your actions and feelings towards any of the good starts to shift from wanting it to fearing it. It's in this space where the self-sabotage takes over. You may start pushing people away, or repeat dynamics that serve to prevent success, intimacy, supportive relationships, love, anything you feel you emotionally need and would also be too painful to lose, be disappointed or rejected by, or be potentially hurt by.

Making the World Validate Your Worthless Feelings

Essentially, when struggling with low self-worth, it actually can become instinctive to assist the world in validating feelings of worthlessness, rather than taking in when the world is showing you the good that you so desire. Instead, if people are there who are trying to offer you the good, you might reject it or keep it at bay or arm's distance. This is a common pattern in relationships that struggle with intimacy. (I discuss this more in my Grass Is Greener Syndrome book and articles). Avoidance is a common characteristic in sabotage dynamics. Avoiding connection, intimacy (physical and/or emotional), etc.

Opening up to vulnerability, intimacy, care, success, and anything good may feel too scary, overwhelming, and simply too risky. Instead, it's almost an instinct to reject or destroy the good with self-sabotage dynamics and self-fulfilling prophecies (though, in your defense, they don't tend to happen by conscious choice). You may be offered exactly what you need and are seeking, but it's more safe and comfortable in the comfort zone where you can't be hurt, abused, disappointed, or left in pain in any other way.

In this mode, people unknowingly curate the world around them to match their feelings of worthlessness -- people push the care away in this state, and then become even more pained by being alone and feeling that no one really cares. In this particular fear-based state, this can be the comfort zone and where it feels the most safe, even if it means isolation keeping away the good. It's a harsh "damned if you do, damned if you don't" -- and it makes it harder to break out of depression, as well.

Testing Boundaries and Sabotage

It's also worth mentioning that part of these self-sabotage patterns actually shows up in "testing". When in these untrusting and vulnerable emotional states, it is quite common for people to test their partners or others to see where the boundaries are. Almost a sense of, "How much of myself can I be, or how far can I push before they will turn away from me and leave or have enough of me? Where is too far?" While this may be a form of testing for safety, it unfortunately often becomes the self-fulfilling prophecy. Pushing someone far enough away where the other becomes in some way put off in response. This often serves to create the painful arm's distance, or setting up the disappointment, loss, abandonment that is so greatly feared.

Moving Forward From Self-Sabotage and Increasing Self-Worth

Self-sabotage validates and perpetuates low self-worth, and vice versa. It is possible to break out of this cycle and increase your self-worth. It starts with acknowledging the patterns and seeing them starting to play out without having to act on them, and getting to know on a deeper level what is feeding them. It is common in fact for the patterns to be played out in the therapy, which gives us a chance to respond to them in real time. The first step is simply knowing you want to move forward from these patterns.

#Depression #MentalHealth #Selfworth #selfsabotage #Trauma #Anxiety #Abuse #neglect

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Why is letting go of survival mode so painful?

Sharing what Chat GPT shared with me:

Because survival mode, as exhausting and harmful as it can be, was your armor. It was your home, your protection, your default setting — the thing that kept you going when everything else felt unsafe, unpredictable, or impossible.

Letting go of it is painful because:

🧱 1. It kept you alive — literally or emotionally

Survival mode isn’t weakness. It’s what you had to do to get through what you went through. Whether it was trauma, neglect, abuse, chaos, or emotional abandonment — your mind and body adapted to keep you functioning. So even if it's no longer serving you, your system still says:

“But we needed this to survive. What happens if we let it go?”

Letting it go feels like removing a life jacket in deep water.

🧠 2. It rewired your brain

Your nervous system got used to always being on high alert — scanning for danger, overthinking, shutting down, or staying busy 24/7. When you start slowing down, being still, or choosing peace, your brain doesn’t recognize it as safety — it sees it as vulnerability.

So now, instead of being numb or distracted, you start feeling everything. And that flood of emotions can feel unbearable at first.

😢 3. You’re grieving

You’re not just letting go of a coping mechanism — you’re saying goodbye to a version of you that carried you through hell. You might feel sadness, anger, guilt, or even a weird kind of nostalgia. That part of you was strong. She did what she had to do. And grieving her is part of honoring her.

😔 4. You don’t know who you are without it yet

When you’ve lived in survival mode for years — or decades — peace can feel foreign. You might ask:

“If I’m not constantly fixing, pleasing, fighting, or numbing… who am I?”

That identity shift is terrifying and disorienting. But it’s also the doorway to your true self — the one who gets to live, not just survive.

🌱 5. Healing is not linear

Even when you're growing, you'll still have days where survival mode kicks in. That doesn’t mean you're failing — it means your nervous system is still learning it’s safe to rest, to feel, to be. And that takes time, gentleness, and a whole lot of grace.

Letting go of survival mode hurts because it means finally facing the pain you didn’t have the capacity to feel before. But you’re not doing it alone. And you’re not weak for hurting — you’re brave for choosing to feel.

#Healing #PTSD #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #Depression #MentalHealth #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is UppedFlounder56. I'm here because I'm deeply scarred. My wounds are invisible, caused by a lifetime of CPTSD through neglect and verbal abuse. I feel insignificant. I've been trying to heal and have opened up to my family and close friends. All of them dismissed, minimized, weaponized, and invalidated my experience. I do have my partner, who is very kind but he does not know what to say to help me. I am looking for a deep connection with others who can sit with the pain.

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #ADHD

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????

The pure blue sky, so clear and full of life
The sky so bright and pure
The birds singing a melody of the morning
The smell of rain from yesterday
The pure blue sky, in the night time
Almost black, no clouds
The air is still, cold, empty
She stairs at the night sky with dark eyes
Her eyes of a shattered mirror
She lays on a field full of dead white roses stained red
A yellow smile of a shattered mirror
The pure blue sky is so dark
Her wings clipped, no longer a song bird for the morning
No longer stuck in such a beautiful cage
That pure blue sky never truly existed
A bird?
No, a flower
A white rose wilted from abuse and neglect
The rose of nothing
Not purity
Not happiness
Not anger
Nor sadness
A broken mirror that reflects that disgusting white rose
The eyes of a child that is not human
The eyes of a child that is no longer human
The eyes of that fake blue sky with that fake yellow smile
Kindness with no honesty
A dirty child
The pure blue sky was never pure nor blue
Those birds were never singing, there wings clipped and them caged
The smell was never of the rain from yesterday but of a metallic smell
The girl never seen the sky she saw nothingness
A world of no color
No child there
A flower of lies

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