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Therapy and Trauma Flooding #CPTSD #ChronicIllness #Survivor #neglect #Groomed #covertsexualabuse

*TRIGGER WARNING: ⚠️ grooming/neglect/abuse/trauma
I feel like I am drowning right now. Gasping for air. This last few months it has been nothing but this feeling. I have been being flooded with trauma memories and flashbacks that don't line up. They are scattered visual images, sensory information, and dissociated states that don't make sense. They are pieceing together thanks to a great therapist, but the picture isn't something I want to see.

My counselor told me yesterday in our session that she believes my parents are abusive narcissists who groomed my younger sister and I by using covert sexual abuse tactics. I feel absolutely broken. They continue to use their tactics to control my every decision. She told me that ultimately I may never feel free of them unless I pick up my entire life and leave no forwarding address and move. They won't let go of me. It is at a point where I need a restraining order because they won't let go. I can't make a move in my life without them thinking they are entitled to know about it or have a say or be involved. They want access to my children and I am trying to protect them at every cost. It's been almost 2 years since I have spoken to my parents or seen their faces yet all of this is happening.

I feel trapped. Lost. Stuck. I just can't do this anymore. I am battling multiple invisible chronic illnesses due to medical neglect and the trauma in my body and I am fighting everyday to just survive. I am working hard to heal patterns and I don't want to this cycle to ever continue. Our little family is beautiful and they are thriving ...I just feel like I am drowning.

The hardest part is the broken memories and not knowing what actually happened to me. I have broken and missing memories and a my brain really doesn't work. It protected me and I am grateful for that but I still am terrified of what I don't know. I don't know how to handle all the emotions coming all with this. I feel so scared and I am very worried that I will relapse into old behaviors right now. I need a community of support....but unfortunately so don't have that either. Chronic Illness and me deciding to finally be true to myself took people away too. I just feel so lost and alone and all it is doing is reinforcing the lie that my parents spewed out .....that I am the problem.

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chris' Series Part 12 - The final chapter

So i ended the last episode on how do i cope, which means asking a load of questions to myself. Do a self route cause analysis. i'm a Business Analyst, so let's use these tools on myself. Ask the questions:
How do i - Why, why, why, why, why
Who am i - Why, why, why, why, why
What am i - Why, why, why, why, why
Where do i - Why, why, why, why, why
When do i - Why, why, why, why, why
Why do i i - Why, why, why, why, why

That is a load of questions with loads of answer, and answers needing more questions giving more answers - Things just started making more rational & logical sense. i become less emotional as that would lead to irrational thoughts which are normally dangerous for my life

With a list of diagnoses like this

& a history of

Having done my own deep evaluation which lead me down many dark paths, all i could do is tell myself to look for the light. Like looking for a single star on a clear & dark evening - Just look for the light. So that becime the crown for my left 1/2 sleeve tattoo, keep looking for that light, no matter how you see your life now. Whether it is though deaths eyes or the devastating after effects of that nuke which exploded. Look deeper there is that fighter - the breaker of chains. you have done it before, you can do it again, the reflection in the mirror doesn't always have to be from a broken mirror - look for a different mirror

In my lowest of moments, i know i need to TRY keep myself rational & evaporate my emotions. So i do this exercise - it buys me time to find that light & snap out of my mental relapse:
STOP - Stop what ever i'm doing.
THINK - Think about what you are doing. Ask the Who, What, Where, When, How & Why you are doing or getting ready to do.
BREATHE - Breathe, deeply & slowly. Try to center, ground, calm, even relax while in a panic state. Switch between Thinking & Breathing as much as you need.
REACT - Now you are better equipped to make a decision in a rational manner looking for that light.

i still have what would make most people think i'm nuts. i have a date in my calendar where i will die from one of my mental illnesses - Everything is ready, stocked & good to go as i type this. However all i need to do is fight my @$$ of for 1 day a year and not 365 & a quarter days a year. Keep myself busy, i take the day off from work. i go to places in the beauty of nature. Honestly the day is the easier part, it get hard once that sunsets & its the long Winter nights but i will put in my earphones, play some awesome & uplifting music, lying in a warm sleeping bag on the lawn & look up at the evening skies ... Looking for all the lights, satellites & meteors. i will meditate to ground & center myself after taking my evening sleeping tablets, then wake up in bed the next day & so the cycle continues

Keep looking for the light & keep safe out there ... ✌🏼❤