The Two Words That Help Me Through Depressive Episodes

Life isn’t fair. It isn’t easy. Sometimes it is not even good. Hope and the ability to think positive are sometimes lost. The question “Why me?” becomes more prevalent. Stress takes over and gratitude is forgotten. It feels like it will last forever. It feels like the anxiety and depression will never ease up. It feels like life never gets easier or fairer. Yet, at least sometimes, what is given is what can be taken. In other words, doing nothing will result in more nothing. However, sometimes to do anything at all takes an attitude change.

When depressed and anxious, that is really hard. Unfortunately for me, bipolar II disorder is a lifelong thing. It is not going away. Sometimes, like today, it takes over my mind. It wins. The power it has on these sort of days is not fair. On these days, all I do is exist. All I do is survive. I do not live. Time passes as the world simply moves around me with my observation. Participating takes tremendous energy. Bipolar II is not fair. With depression, I do not live. With hypomania, I live too much until I crash.

I am writing this while depressed. That may have been obvious. After all, this is not exactly positive. It is simply my reality right now. And I need to remember the words “right now.” Yes, in this mood, time passes slowly. It drags. I have to force myself to do things despite having no hope for depression to go away anytime soon. I have to keep my mood in check. I have to fight with myself not to bite the head off of an undeserving person. All of it is exhausting. Sometimes, like today, I just need a break from it all. I need a break from responsibilities and people. I need time to figure out how to proceed with my life. I need time to chill or else I will have a mental breakdown. The words “right now” are important in moving through my depression. Yes, they are hard to believe, but life experience has told me they are true.

“Right now” is also a way of practicing mindfulness. It is a way to shift to the present moment, let go of the past and take a break from worrying about the future. “This is how things are right now,” is also a practice of radical acceptance. That means accepting how my life is or what I’m feeling whether or not I like it. For example, it is difficult for me to handle uncontrollable situations. They test my patience and have the tendency to drive my depression and anxiety wild. Willpower alone cannot make things happen. Only action can. Yet, again, not everything can be controlled. So, if I cannot control something, the words “right now” are key. I need the intelligence to realize worrying over things that have happened or have yet to come only results in more depression and anxiety.

Along with this is “what if” thinking. That type of thinking is a disservice to myself. Yet, I still do it sometimes. Then begins an ugly repetitious cycle of depression. But here’s where I have my power: I can change that cycle despite being unable to control everything in my life.

I must ask myself “What can I do differently in order to help myself?” In other words, I need to examine how I get back to a place where I feel emotionally well. To me, that means feeling content at the least — not depressed or hypomanic. If I had an easy answer, I would not ever be depressed. And while I have some answers, they’re not easy to use. Yet, for me, I know when I need an attitude change. I know when I need to manage stress better. I know when I’m more at risk of things like suicidal thoughts or actions. And most importantly, I know that I have the right to a happy and successful life. Getting there and maintaining that headspace takes work. Here are some things I think will work for me:

1. Remember “right now.” Radical acceptance and mindfulness are key.

2. Use supports. Friends, family, professionals, co-workers, groups, forums, etc. Talking helps.

3. Remind myself of what I am grateful for.

4. Reframe negative thoughts.

5. Watch out for thought distortions such as “always,” “never” and “should.”

6. Be aware of “what if” thinking and turn to grounding skills such as utilizing the five senses.

7. Plan out my days and stick to the schedule as closely as possible.

8. Count down to important or exciting dates.

9. Take my medication.

10. Do at least one productive thing daily.

11. Use distractions when able.

12. Celebrate my success.

13. Remind myself that trying my best is enough.

14. Remind myself taking one step backward does not define my life.

15. Remind myself that while I am rebuilding my life, I am becoming stronger and I have the power to create an even better life for myself.

16. Bipolar 2 is a fact of my life. Nothing more. Nothing less. I can and will manage it.