mindfulness

I used to fight mindfulness and my therapist because I didn't see the point. Recently however I have begun to see the benefits of being mindful. I am not saying that I meditate every day but I try to go throughout my day mindfully. Since I enjoy writing I have chosen to do that more mindfully. I realize that I do a lot of emotional dumping which is okay but it doesn't allow me to reflect on my experiences.

I am trying out the DBT skills of being present and nonjudgmental. To be clear, I am not saying that being nonjudgmental means that my abusers get a free pass or anything. Only that I am trying to reflect on the lessons that I've learned. Sometimes I still grieve the loss of an illusion but grief has taught me that love was there once. I can now look back at my experiences and say that things weren't right and that there is no excuse or defense for what happened.

They are responsible for what they did. However their lack of responsibility has no bearing on my healing journey. I choose to be nonjudgmental towards myself for how I reacted to their abuse and how the abuse effects me now as an adult. I choose to be happy and healthy and create a life for myself. Being abused has taught me a lot and I wanted to share those lessons with you.

-Abuse is always a choice.

-Abuse can happen within families.

-Parents aren't perfect.

-Abuse doesn't make you bad.

-The abuse didn't make you stronger, you were already strong.

-Abuse doesn't define you.

-Your thoughts and feelings are valid.

-It is okay to reach out for help.

-It is okay to speak up (if it is safe). Someone will believe you.

-The abuse and its secrets were not yours to bear.

-If your parents were abusive it was not your job to fix them.

-Responsibility lies with the abuser.

Your only responsibility is to heal.

-Your presence means something.

-Cutting out abusive people is okay.

-Love heals, it does not traumatize.

-Never judge yourself for what you survived.

-You are capable of finding meaning in your pain.

If I think of any more I will list them. My hope is that this list helps someone. We are here for each other. Stay focused on the present and if you struggle with PTSD like I do, then accept it and work with it. Not against it. I believe in you. Thanks for believing in me. As always stay safe and seek help if you need to.

#PTSD #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Mindfulness #Motivation

I have a intrusive thoughts which infect my mind and make it difficult to concentrate. They start the minute I wake up and do not cease until I go back to sleep. I have many hobbies and try to keep my mind occupied but the evil thoughts replay over and over.

When I was physically assaulted over ten years ago I never thought that I would continue to experience flashbacks and trauma from the incident. I have been in fights before and thought it would become another distant memory of something unfortunate. My experience has been completely different and I am stuck in a never ending loop of sorrow and pity.

The attack causes me major mental health issues that I can't move on from. I am stuck in a negative cycle of pain and suffering. The image of the attack repeats in my mind. I see the faceless images of multiple attackers and the fear of reliving the incident is ever present. I am afraid of what's in store for me as I battle to focus on what's important.

It is difficult to describe the incident as it involves anger, betrayal and resentment. The only thing I know for sure is that it leaves me empty and insecure. These people purposefully sought to hurt me and they were successful.

I hate to say it but my mental health has deteriorated to the point where I am miserable. I hate my life and I am aware of the holes I keep digging are damaging me further. I blame my mother and father for a lot of my problems whether it is their fault or not. They did their best but had unrealistic expectations and when I was unable to achieve the impossible goals they had set for me I spiralled in to a deep depression.

This depression has followed me for years and the more I let it control my life - the more pain it causes me. I have never dealt with any of the negative emotions that fill my mind. I bottled everything up and pretended I was fine. I am at the point where I don't see anything improving and I want to hurt the few people I have left.

I really wish I could end on something positive but my life has become a merry go round of pain, sorrow and regret. I hate myself in more ways than one and I need help but the road to recovery is fraught with feelings of guilt and resentment.

EDIT: I am fully aware that my posts are very much a pity party. I am hurting inside and just desperately want to feel better.

#Depression #Misery #Sadness #hurt #Pain #TheMighty #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #feelings #unhappy #Relationships #Friendship #Love #Trauma #PTSD #challenges #Life #Death #advertisy #friend #peace #Emotion #flasback #Lettinggo #scar #regret #compassion #Thoughts #Mindfulness #Anxiety #reserved #Respect #peace

Working on New Years Reflections tonight...What am I most proud of accomplishing in 2022 and what do I hope to accomplish in 2023? What am I looking forward to in 2023? What did I learn in 2022? What am I hoping to learn in 2023? What surprised me in 2022? How can I surprise myself in 2023? #Journaling #Reflections #NewYears #Mindfulness