I’m tired and hurting! #Depression #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Isolation #angry #HSP #Grief #difficultemotions
I'm frustrated and angry right now. I never catch a break. I thought I navigated Christmas as best as I could this year.
Dealing with CPTSD really has me so hypervigilant and then I become so reactive if I'm not careful.
I usually only go to my mom's now for a max of 4 days. This Christmas I did make the mistake of staying longer and even with that I was met the evil eye when I left to catch my 3pm commuter train home today.
I arrived on Dec 22 so I stayed an extra 3 days then usual over the last few years. I'm very mindful I may not have many more Christmases with my mother. She's 82 and her health is declining more and more rapidly in the recent year.
Having said that my mom is a covert narcissit through and through. She is even worse after my dad passed away 18 months ago.
I'm the youngest of 4 and I have the wonderful title of being the family scapegoat and I'm constantly getting gaslighted by her and my siblings. There is no winning when you have this label within the family.
When I arrived on Dec 22 I said I was leaving on Thurs or Fri this week. Yesterday I confirmed I was leaving Fri at 3pm. I repeated that this morning and again around 1pm.
So as I'm getting my stuff together I walk into the kitchen to say goodbye I was met with my mother's glare. I was confused and trying to figure out in my mind what have I done wrong now. You see with CPTSD the hypervigilance kicks in automatically. She then tells me she did not know I was leaving today. That I didn't tell her in advance. Now she is angry.
At this point I'm just tired and I just reacted. My mind just goes into a jumble wondering if I'm ever listened to, but at the same time wondering how I could have done or said things differently. Unfortunately the reality is I can never win no matter what I do.
You see a few days earlier I was accused I talk too much and keep repeating things. The "things" by the way are my feelings. If I dare to share my feelings about something in the here and now I'm constantly being accused I'm repetitive. Supposedly too pushy with my feelings, thoughts and perspective on everything. Then if I'm quiet then I'm accused I don't express myself and let anyone know what I'm thinking.
This constant contrary treatment from my family of origin has literally made me crazy. I've suffered alone with all my mental health diagnosis over the last 30 years. To my family I'm either making it all up or I must have brought it on myself somehow.