I’m so angry. I have a valid reasons… My stepmom of 25 years was just murdered in our home. I had a miscarriage. Do you want to go that resulted in me finding out my partner was cheating. My sister, my best friend move next week.
I’m just so fucking angry.
I want to smash it honestly.
But you would never know.
Wake up and make my three kiddos breakfast, with a genuine smile on my face. Get them to school, optimistic, and ready to take on the day, as I drop the last one off, I feel the dread from my chest begin to swell. I’m going to be home alone.
Rewind 3 months ago.. working out everyday, meditating, volunteering, social. almost, almost, normal?
So knowing how I have been for the last 2 years is a possibility, and seeing where I am now. I’m like fuck. The only difference between now and my terrible episode two years ago is that I’m not drinking or fucking anyone. Or doing anything but faking it til I make it in front of the kiddos and living.
I still play football and make dinner and have conversations as normal as I can. They think all is well.
I cried in the laundry room this morning with the lights off so no one would see.
My insides are on fire and I just want to scream.
This isn’t just BPD, it’s life and it’s so hard sometimes. One of the satisfactions I do have is that I know I’m feeling the feeling the right way.
But it sucks.