angry

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    How do I forgive the intangible but very insidious emotional grief, pain and suffering I experienced since childhood? #Depression #Anxiety #HSP

    I’m having difficulty with forgiveness right now. I listened to a YouTube video with the title “Grief - Pathway to Forgiveness”

    I have so much to say I could not just reply the the post on forgiveness last week.

    I had listened to that video hoping I would literally get some easy steps in how to forgive. Insteas it listed emotions associated with undisguised grief. Until I saw the list I didn’t even realize I was holding onto these emotions and they were blocking my ability to forgive.

    For me until I let myself grieve for what created those feelings it would be very difficult to forgive those who caused them. “I need to grieve for what I deserved and didn’t get”. “For what I got and didn’t deserve”. This is not straight forward at all. Especially as I know grief is not linear.

    Being raised by narcissists I was so disconnected to the point I consistently dissociated away from all feelings. So until I saw that list I couldn’t have articulated any of them for to anyone. I could try to explain and justify why I developed that strategy but I’m so tired. Tired of trying to prove that being gaslighted and scapegoated back to my earliest memory created so much difficulty, and suffering. This impacted my whole childhood up to this day. I literally accepted this treatment as “normal” until very recently. After years of therapy, emotional pain and suffering. This impacted every single friendship, romantic relationships and my work. It wasn’t even just my parents who gaslighted and scapegoated me. My 3 older siblings did too.

    How do forgive 5 people who chose staying in their own denial so they could pretend they are all at peace at my expense. For years I was made to feel from anyone I ever had the courage to share my feelings, thoughts and perspective of my lived experiences. All got was more gaslighting and bullying. Unfortunately this made so vulnerable to others who had any level of a narcissistic personality style. In some cases unintentionally from people who thought toxic positivity was a cure to fix decades of what essentially was brainwashing. In my case I was brainwashed that I don’t matter. Doubting myself 24/7 about everyone and everything. Constantly accusing me that I was always blowing everything out of proportion, just being too sensitive and essentially made to feel I was making everything up. That how I experienced my life was figments, distortions

    It is not easy or straightforward to forgive this. Even though I understand intellectually forgiveness is supposed to bring me peace and not to give my family a free pass for how badly they hurt me. Especially none of them are even willing to allow for any kind of healthy communication. I only get more and more gaslighting and scapegoating. #hurt #angry #sad #Dissapointed #shamed #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor #scapegoated

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    I’m tired and hurting! #Depression #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Isolation #angry #HSP #Grief #difficultemotions

    I'm frustrated and angry right now. I never catch a break. I thought I navigated Christmas as best as I could this year.

    Dealing with CPTSD really has me so hypervigilant and then I become so reactive if I'm not careful.

    I usually only go to my mom's now for a max of 4 days. This Christmas I did make the mistake of staying longer and even with that I was met the evil eye when I left to catch my 3pm commuter train home today.

    I arrived on Dec 22 so I stayed an extra 3 days then usual over the last few years. I'm very mindful I may not have many more Christmases with my mother. She's 82 and her health is declining more and more rapidly in the recent year.

    Having said that my mom is a covert narcissit through and through. She is even worse after my dad passed away 18 months ago.

    I'm the youngest of 4 and I have the wonderful title of being the family scapegoat and I'm constantly getting gaslighted by her and my siblings. There is no winning when you have this label within the family.

    When I arrived on Dec 22 I said I was leaving on Thurs or Fri this week. Yesterday I confirmed I was leaving Fri at 3pm. I repeated that this morning and again around 1pm.

    So as I'm getting my stuff together I walk into the kitchen to say goodbye I was met with my mother's glare. I was confused and trying to figure out in my mind what have I done wrong now. You see with CPTSD the hypervigilance kicks in automatically. She then tells me she did not know I was leaving today. That I didn't tell her in advance. Now she is angry.

    At this point I'm just tired and I just reacted. My mind just goes into a jumble wondering if I'm ever listened to, but at the same time wondering how I could have done or said things differently. Unfortunately the reality is I can never win no matter what I do.

    You see a few days earlier I was accused I talk too much and keep repeating things. The "things" by the way are my feelings. If I dare to share my feelings about something in the here and now I'm constantly being accused I'm repetitive. Supposedly too pushy with my feelings, thoughts and perspective on everything. Then if I'm quiet then I'm accused I don't express myself and let anyone know what I'm thinking.

    This constant contrary treatment from my family of origin has literally made me crazy. I've suffered alone with all my mental health diagnosis over the last 30 years. To my family I'm either making it all up or I must have brought it on myself somehow.

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    Anger

    I’m so angry. I have a valid reasons… My stepmom of 25 years was just murdered in our home. I had a miscarriage. Do you want to go that resulted in me finding out my partner was cheating. My sister, my best friend move next week.

    I’m just so fucking angry.

    I want to smash it honestly.

    But you would never know.

    Wake up and make my three kiddos breakfast, with a genuine smile on my face. Get them to school, optimistic, and ready to take on the day, as I drop the last one off, I feel the dread from my chest begin to swell. I’m going to be home alone.

    Rewind 3 months ago.. working out everyday, meditating, volunteering, social. almost, almost, normal?

    So knowing how I have been for the last 2 years is a possibility, and seeing where I am now. I’m like fuck. The only difference between now and my terrible episode two years ago is that I’m not drinking or fucking anyone. Or doing anything but faking it til I make it in front of the kiddos and living.

    I still play football and make dinner and have conversations as normal as I can. They think all is well.

    I cried in the laundry room this morning with the lights off so no one would see.

    My insides are on fire and I just want to scream.

    This isn’t just BPD, it’s life and it’s so hard sometimes. One of the satisfactions I do have is that I know I’m feeling the feeling the right way.

    But it sucks.

    #angry

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    Anger

    I’m so angry. I have valid reasons.. my step mom of 25 years was just murdered in our home. I had a miscarriage two months ago that resulted in me finding out my partner was cheating, and my sister.. my best friend moves next week.

    And I’m just fucking angry.

    I want to just smash shit honestly.

    But you’d never know. I wake up and make my 3 pre teens breakfast, with a genuine smile on my face. Play sports and take them to practice and do all the things I’m supposed to do. I’m starting to cave though, I found myself crying in the laundry room this morning so no one saw.

    But inside I’m on fire. And I just want someone to understand. #angry #Trauma #INeedAHug #ortosmashshit

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    Zero Love & Belonging for me & now my body is continually rejecting me with new diseases too. Pain vs Suffering

    This is my “BEAUTIFUL FAMILY”; My daughter-38 and older husband and his son to the left. To the right, my Diamond, her daughter, then new daughter in law and son (20). I should say my grandchildren, right. When? I had to begin going behind her back to see my Diamond when she is with her father. Then severe Long CoVid caused Dysautonomia, a big car accident where I got off pretty well- except my vision was damaged even more and Dysautonomia made even worse. I fainted every day for awhile. The 20yr old harmed me last & most 2 weeks after his 18th birthday, just a few days before mine. His mother hugged and consoled me. Made him move out. She didn’t come right back as promised. She went tanning for 4 days on a boat with an ex & still blames me 100%— again!
    That beautiful young man I have always loved like my own was raised to hate me once his mom became jealous. He is gone now too. First he cleverly acted to cause me to be deleted from THE family holiday celebration.

    My daughter sent me this photo after Thanksgiving. I had to call truce due to a tragedy in a woman’s life. Still, she avoided me entire month to avoid a conversation about Thanksgiving. She made herself Matron of the family. I am the ONLY adult my age (58) or older who’s child didn’t do something for them to honor them for the holiday.

    It does not occur to her that all I can see is everyone’s joy as long as I am absent. My mom disowned me for being disabled years and years ago, and my sister left drugs finally to take my place with Mom. She even removed every single picture out of the picture albums shoved them in an empty kids chalk plastic container and gave them to my daughter who left them with her ex. He dumped them on my front porch. Imagine that mind bend!! That was who my holiday anchor was until I was disabled and she uninvited me year after year and then nothing.
    Before or maybe not long after the incident with my grandson I directly asked my daughter, “Do I have love and belonging with you?” Her, “What do you mean!!??” I just repeated it palms up. Her, “I don’t know what to say. This feels like some kind of trick.” she said suspiciously. I was aghast. I was on the verge of tears and turning around, “No Blank. It is just that. I want to know if I have love and belonging with you.” And she answered me plainly. “Then No. You don’t.” This has come up and she has never changed it. I suppose I have a relationship because of my Diamond girl and maybe because she reaches out to me and says she loves me because I’m always here for her. Nope. Codependency left the building couple years ago. I have even had her on no contact for my sanity and lost the girl.

    My depression is so deep I can barely take a breath right now. I want to be loved and to know belonging before I die.
    I wake in #Pain everyday. My fourth CoVid caused my #longcovid to go Primal on me. BA.5 is not like the rest, honest. I finally turned to my alternative Dr herbal Chinese Medicine. I have a Master’s in Nursing and know know know that Western medicine might be covered but is also prescribing black label medications for chronic pain without the deep discussion patients deserve. My own mother in law suffered a stroke as a result of this. They added a black box label, but who explains that it even tells people? See-I’m so #angry . So I gotta pay $$$ out of Disability and $$ monthly for livability. From disability have a tea special made for me 3 times a day that controls my chronic pain enough to move in the house and such. It’s great. Still NO ONE understands that #ChronicPain or weakness, or just can’t either. Major #Depression is when I start to cry. Severe Depression is when I stop crying. Sometimes I start thinking and sometimes I stop. It is much scarier if I start. Pain is tolerable, #suffering is not, and #chronicsuffering is the most brutal of all.
    This Grief I bear, of having NEVER had #belonging once I was also #Abandoned by my poor child that I gave all my limited resources to, I died inside. I substantially failed and raised a daughter who is compassion and empathy challenged. I don’t remember being taught to call my grandparents. I didn’t teach my daughter to. My mom is brutal. Oddly, my daughter repeats her and has barely known her?
    My last straw today is a roommate who played the second mom, daughter who loves you, won’t abandon you card. I didn’t buy it. It’s talk. But I thought she could at least be a civil roommate. She walks in and out of the place without a word. Just jumps on that ABANDONED button as hard as she can! Profanity to the Nines! #Profanity #CPTSD #PTSD #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #AgoraphobiaWithoutHistoryOfPanicDisorder #Grief #longcovid #disposable

    I tried. I don’t have words for what’s happening inside me. This is like Anticipatory grief of a hospice patient you know is gonna pass but we keep holding on and loving them just the same. It all makes the body even harder to manage. Thank you, whoever you are.

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    Isolation / Avoidant Attachment / Boundaries ?

    The image says: "My past is an armor I cannot take off, no matter how many times you tell me the war is over." -- Jessica Katoff

    My therapist offhandedly said something about avoidant attachment style a few weeks ago and it totally changed how I think of myself and made me realize how I am really experiencing the world.
    I was always the good kid who did the right thing and helped others. I wasn't wildly popular, but just a solid *nice* person. Up until very recently, I would have told you I was a "people pleaser", and really needed the approval and love of others.
    It turns out I have some serious anger raging inside of me that I never knew was there - and it is anger toward all those people I was nice to, all those people I helped, all those people I smiled at and befriended. All the people I listened to. All the people I never said "no" to. All the people who never *saw* me.
    My last boyfriend told me all the time how he had never felt so well understood by anyone in his entire life until he met me. How could I tell him that I didn't feel at all the same about him?
    I don't know how to stop this angry part of me from putting up a barrier to protect myself after decades of no one even bothering to notice that I might have reason to be angry and that I was in fact angry. I don't know how to switch my thinking from "boundaries" to "giant flaming wall" because I'm angry that I spent all my time and energy understanding other people so well and they never did the same for me.
    I don't even know if this post makes sense, but it is such a wild mind shift for me that I am struggling to know how to think or process things these days. Thanks for reading and for being there.

    #Isolation #avoidantattachment #boundaries #Relationships #Therapy #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #spiritualabuse #EmotionalAbuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #Family #angry

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    Not enough time

    3 days of breavement leave is not enough time. I lost my Grandpa on Monday and I had to come back to work today. It isn’t enough time. Yes he was on hospice for the last few months fighting cancer and dementia and yes I knew this was coming but it still isn’t enough time. I’m so god damn angry. It isn’t enough. #angry #Grief #Hospice

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    I’ve ruined my husband & marriage. Long vent!!!

    I did a really stupid thing. I can’t fix this and now I’ve ruined my husband and my marriage.
    Let this be a warning to anyone who wants to help family.

    2.5 yrs ago my niece was having a crisis. Mentally, & emotionally. Her family life was crap, with 2 addicted parents. Her mother actually knew that when she was 13 she was involved(boyfriend) who was 19. She was a very beautiful young girl who at 13 looked 18. Her mother knew they were having sex and would drop my niece off at his home. In my opinion she was trafficking her. Any other attention she did receive at home was mostly being yelled & screamed at. She was also allowed to drink and smoke pot. She had actually been sexually assaulted when she was 13 by an unfamiliar adult male at a party she attended that was mostly 20 yr olds. She was 14 now & already sexually promiscuous looking for love & attention.
    I knew she would do so much better in our care, we could offer her stability & the attention she didn’t receive at home. At this time I was very very happily married to my best friend for 25 years. I knew my husband did not like or trust her, because of her past actions. He really didn’t want her in our home but he knew it was important to me to try and help so he went along with it regardless of his own feelings. We brought her into our home and I took full guardianship. She seemed like she was flourishing & above all happy, & doing well in school which she wasn’t before. She went from D’s to A’s. About 3 months into her being with us she claimed my husband sexually assaulted her by kissing her on the lips( which in our family we do) and touched her butt, through clothing. I knew she was having a ptsd reaction. I took her to the Dr in the hopes of getting her help & therapy for her mental & emotional problems.
    She told the Dr he sexually assaulted her. As required the Dr had to make a report even tho she(Dr, has know myself & husband for more than 20 years). She agreed with me that she had actually probably had a ptsd reaction. I know my husband he is a REALLY good man, when I say I knew that he is absolutely not the kind of person to do this I MEAN IT. I never ever once questioned the accusation and fully supported him throughout all this. She was removed from our home and placed back home with her mother who trafficked her in the beginning.
    Then began the nightmare. My husband was charged with felony sexual assault.
    The system is so completely screwed up. One &1/2 years later after almost 40,000 in lawyer fees he was charged with 2 felony counts in the 2nd degree. He had been an avid deer hunter and gun enthusiast. He was made to surrender all his weapons, had to be on the Sora list for sexual offenders for life. He had to participate in an online state run therapy for sexual offenders. He was in therapy with actual guilty parties while he himself was innocent.

    This has mentally & emotionally ruined him! He isn’t the same person he used to be. It has ruined who he thought he was. He now is labeled pedophile because of her age. He has developed severe depression & anxiety and is full of sadness & anger & rage.
    It has actually come to the point that he is having a difficult time with life in general and has been suicidal. All of which I can understand.
    Unfortunately the anger & rage is usually directed at me. Our marriage has lost all its specialness. There is no intimacy between us anymore and no communication.
    I have ruined my husband and our marriage. I’m so lost & angry myself. There was zero proof of anything just the word of a ruined comprised child. The court took zero interest in her past life and upbringing. She wasn’t the one on trial he was. An innocent man.
    I’m so afraid he now wants to end the marriage as this was my fault for bringing her into our happy life.
    It is literally killing me to watch what is happening to him. I dont know what to do.
    Her mother failed to take her to therapy when she needed it. She has now after this and she has been diagnosed with bpd & cptsd. (which is accumulated over years not 3 months). She has had to be hospitalized several times for self harm. I believe it is the guilt eating her up.

    My marriage has been ruined.
    My husband is falling apart
    I can’t fix this.
    I live with the guilt everyday and don’t know how to overcome this.

    The system is completely screwed up. Also her mother was never charged with trafficking her or providing alcohol & pot to a minor. Nothing happened to her for her negligence.

    #angry #sytemsucks # lost

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    × " Why Do People Chose To Steal From Other's " × #angry

    × " So I Started Re-stocking On Food Again.. And I Count Everything That I Eat To Not Over Spend Or Over Eat.. So I Bought Pop-Tart's For My Breakfest It's 12 Count Box.. I'm Never Home I'm Alway's Working... And 3 People Stay Working From Home.. But Since It's Thier House.. They Littetly Come Into The Room That I'm Staying In.. And Leave The Door Open And Open The Blind's.. I Hate That It's My Private Space.. I Don't Go Into Other People's Space... Unless I Ask.. I Don't Eat Thier Food.. Because They Never Leave Food To Share.. So I Buy My Own.. I Was Left With 2 Pop-Tart's.. I Have Already Counted That I Had 5 Left.. No Respect What's So Ever... This Is Why I Hate Family... " × #venting ☆☆☆☆ ▪︎ S.K. ▪︎☆☆☆☆

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