I’m struggling, I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. Like this is not reality and just want to get out, somehow someway or make it stop. I’m so sensitive towards anything- a smell, a noise, light or anything so little irritates me and sets me off. The frustrating part is I’m aware of all this happening but it seems like I can’t stop. Like I’m just watching it all happen and I have no control. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #disassociating
My #Anxiety has been climbing as if it attached to a helium balloon 🎈and just keeps climbing. They are weaning me off one med and increasing my dose of another but I wonder if the increase in #Anxiety and #PanicAttacks are a result of the change in medicine? I #trigger so easily and push everyone away so that they can't get too close. Is this just my unhealthy coping mechanism? I feel like I'm #Drowning and #disassociating at the same time. #MDD #Anxiety #PTSD #PanicAttacks #si
Things finally came to ahead for me and my marriage and in my personal life. I just couldn’t keep trying to inform my husband and others about my anxieties, my slow cognition from mild TBI and PTSD, and I couldn’t take the arguments that would ensue that were an added drain on my limited energy. My families had a vacation cabin several hours outside of the city for many years, so on a leap of faith I packed up and headed up for the summer.
It is not always easy, but it is always quieter in my brain. Being able to deal with my anxiety and my traumas without needing to defend these to those I love the most is making life a much simpler ordeal. I am able to handle my own needs and go into the community here and interact as I want with people who don’t know about my PTSD and who don’t knowingly engage with me in a way that creates #disassociation . Right or wrong, being in charge of what happens to me is incredibly important.
I know those with #PTSD and #disassociation can relate to this need to be alone. Of course, there’s also the desperate need for human kindness. There are many out there, including professionals, who will tell you that isolating is the wrong way to go about destressing. I am finding that listening to my own voice and finding my own path to a workable reality is a powerful tool to insights. At times I feel very guilty for being on my own and then I remember what it’s like when I’m with others. I feel that I understand all the veterans who left to live in the hills after Vietnam. So, for good or bad today I choose to be alone and control my own interactions, as I feel comfortable to do so. My disassociation’s are much shorter and less intense, I choose isolation today.
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