As I suffer from BPD, I obviously often have major rage outburst(and anger in general), not the ones where I get physically violent but I have a way with words, Obviously after episode is done, I have completely forgot all the terrible things I have said to my loved one and just feel guilty and ashamed..
Ive read some small articles how you should find things that would calm you down, like watching a movie, painting or going for a walk. Since I do all these things on regular basis, it doesn't work for me as way to instantly calm myself and get grounded.
So I started to think about my teenage years and what usually calmed me down back then and I realized its music!!
I do already regular listen to music, so that means my usual playlist is no good.
So I decided to try DEATH METAL, and you know what?! So far it helps! Every time I get angry, I just listen to that, cause someone else is doing all the screaming and banging and weird noises and it calms me down.
So my advice: If you feel like raging, turn on some death metal and let someone else rage in your headphones instead of you to a loved one!
2 reactions I am scared as hell about someone. Had a dream about them a couple nights ago that they had a medical emergency and didn't make it. Then I realize they have been MIA for a week. Reached out but no acknowledgement which is unusual. I am crying. Been praying like hell. Trying to trust God. There's a song that came to mind and am striving to do this even though it is so hard to do.
Even when the fight seems lost
I'll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I'll praise You
Even When It Hurts - Hillsong #TheMighty #MightyTogether #scared #Worried #Concerned #Heartbroken #Fear #Crying #FearOfAbandonment #trigger #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
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I was doing so well today until a school assignment caused a trigger. That unleashed a cascade of reminders and thoughts of my former FP😭 When faced with an unavoidable trigger, do you have a way to stop the thoughts before they start? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FavoritePerson #trigger
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TW - Hospitalization and Suicide Ideation
Why is it that I always leave hospitals with additional damage. The time before last, it added to my cPTSD. This last time I exited with what feels like a cold or the flu (I tested for Covid-19 and it's not that).
We need a reform in hospitals and better education to the layperson on how they work. The biggest issue is that this field is overworked. We need more nurses and doctors, but after the pandemic, no one wants to go into the field unless they're a true hardcore hero. I don't think there's many heroes left these days.
This isn't meant to bash the hospitals that involuntarily held me despite not being suicidal. It's meant to point out a very big problem in our healthcare system in the USA, where I live.
There's a book called “Noise” (yellow with a target image on the front) that points out these kinds of problems in a statistical way. There were many different authors that put it together from across many fields including the health field. We know there's a problem, but how do we fix it?
I have a few ideas I'd love to share. My website and blog will be dropping soon. Follow me for more writings. <3 2014="" pic="" of="" me="" from="" when="" i="" was="" studying="" psychology="" and="" advertising="" at="" usf.="" #ideation #trigger #triggerwarning #Depression #economics #fckdepression
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I hear the echo
of millions of voices not mine
am I too much
a slow giant whale is moving on our heads
deep blue sorrow dripping from her sides
she dips her head into the vast silence of the sea
calm
alone
she has no hurry and, deep down, beside her heart, lies a smiling face/ eyes enclosed, a pounding heart
the front exposed and covered with water
I am, though, still hurting
A voice inside me is posing me questions
what’s left is fear - she says
the dark blue sorrow sticks a hug around my heart and to the lungs
/ so petty
she holds it in her hand / such familiar feeling
why so resentful
and the tone, look more aloof than before
my mind has gently tip toed on a green blue garden
welcome back, a woman sais
here is where the details count
am I too much / or are you too much to your own self
so attentive, so silent, so slow / her eyes are with me
and so we speak
her hand in her pocket, she lets a little bird out
and so the wind is within me
and so I speak
I fear
my heart not ready
has never been
although he knows.
a silent whale is too big
me, instead - some sort of mute trustful being
the never-ending smile within me
a source of light
there’s peace inside you
/ and I’m not the one to follow
I fear
you’re all so vast, so tremendously precious
let the bird know the heights of his wings
singing his life with his blithe tune
I’m the pocket, I wonder the hands.
if I’m too much, I fear
not mine the hands
/ who has the courage
to hold you, so secure to let you out
I fear
I hope I’m not holding you back
/ it’d be so hurtful
my heart who knows who fears who waits and is so afraid, too much to compress; implode.
a tiny bubble of dripping hurting painful sorrow
-the claws in my chest-
don’t want to hear
Not sure why Sundays are usually bad days for me. Any body else have this happen?
I don't know about you, but I've been depressed and super lethargic all week. At first I couldn't figure out why, but then I remembered that the impending Mother's Day festivities always put me in a funk. Mother's Day isn't a happy occasion for all of us. In fact, for many of us, our source of trauma was our mom so it's a double whammy to see everyone posting tributes glorifying their wonderful mother's all over social media.
If you hate Mother's Day as much as I do, I see you. I'm sending a little extra love and support your way this weekend. You are not alone and you deserve a little extra self care this weekend. As for me, I'm going to avoid a lot of social media tomorrow. I'm also just allowing myself to grieve because it sucks and there's no way around that.
What are you going to for self care to help you get through this weekend?
I'm not gonna lie. This week has been hard. I'm not sure what's going on, but many of my friends with PTSD have been on a bit of a roller coaster this week so. The world is definitely feeling a bit chaotic lately so that could be a part of it. I got to thinking what one thing was that I could consider a win for the week that I could latch onto to help improve my mood a bit. I had a hard time choosing one, but finally came up with one.
My win for the week is having the courage to say I'm not okay and reaching out to friends for connection, which for someone who hates having needs and constantly feels like a burden for asking for help is a big feat.
What one thing can you identify as a win for this week? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Yoga, journaling, exercise, therapy, reading, hanging out with friends, listening to music? There are countless ways of taking care of ourselves that help us to self soothe and keep ourselves emotionally regulated.
For me, writing, therapy and exercise are non-negotiables as far as daily management of my symptoms goes. When I’m feeling triggered, the easiest way for me to distract and calm myself is to do something mindless like rewatch a TV show I’ve seen a million times. Weirdly the predictability of watching a story I already know helps me to regulate my emotions and feel more in control.
What are your favorite self care rituals?
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