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How can I leave my family, or find a “purpose”?

I’m sorry in advance if this post is triggering, or otherwise not allowed.

Let me cut to the point: I believe that I no longer serve a role or a purpose in the daily life I am living. My husband and teenage children have no real use/need for me anymore. They just avoid me, until they want or need something that I can provide. I cannot manage to make/sustain connections with others (immediate or extended family, friends/acquaintances; old or new), and am exceedingly lonely. (I cry every day - which is probably good, since it proves to me that I can feel.) Even the cat, who used to favor my company, has completely gone off me. I am very unfulfilled in my life, and I really don’t see the point in living anymore.

I’ve finally weaned off my antidepressant (psychiatrist knows this and has prescribed a different SSRI which I have not yet started), which did absolutely nothing for me except to “blunt” me. I spent YEARS feeling nothing and watching life go on around me, as if watching a movie. Now I can feel- and it’s anger and resentment for lost and wasted time; for the rejection I feel, among many, many other things. I do have a therapist-good as far as therapists go - who tells me I need to do self-care. I reminded them that I can’t even bring myself to bathe, let alone go on a mini-vacation, spa, retreat etc. That’s a big issue for me as well - I see that I’m deserving of attention as long as I’m paying someone for it.

Intellectually, I know how to begin the “leaving” process…as I’ve told my husband, if I knew where to go, I’d already be long gone. (The dynamics of our relationship are a big part of the problem - though I refuse to blame him or anyone else for what I am going through.) Problem is, I don’t know how or where to go, or if I even want to start all over. I do know that I cannot continue life the way it is and has been for a long time. I almost wish to die in my sleep - that’s all I do anymore is sleep, as I have no energy for anything else- so that I don’t have to make decisions and live in pain anymore.

If you have insights/perspectives to share, I’d appreciate them. But really, I needed to drop this “bomb” somewhere…I have no outlet otherwise. Thank you for reading.

#DebilitatingDepression #si #Isolation #anhedonia

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noise poem 1

Eradicate me

Erase me from existence

Cause my suicide

Take my life

While I try to nurture

My family

My life

My elderly

You

Stop the noise

You are eradicating me from existence

You are taking my life

You are causing my suicide

Your noise causes them to be insensitive

A tear drop is a cause for suicide in their eyes

Eradicate me

Take my life

Cause my suicide

#si

(edited)
1 reaction
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What I am learning from Bi Polar and Post Traumatic Recovery

Wow, up til 1 am or 2 am, refereeing exhuberant or extremely volatile arguments is not cool, leave an argument, unless the argument corners you in your room, it hurts, can't think that someone else who is good looking would have to recover from Bipolar, must be hard, realistically I don't think I have psych outbursts unless triggered by someone's violence, shredding my newest dress, yelling uncontrollably at my kid, my kid leaving at 1 30 am alone walking the street, my kid having outbursts and a change in personality since Dec 27th 2023, my kid and husband erasing numbers of family and friends, being beach slapped due to lies of a neighbour I never met but spoke with only once or twice on phone, bullying, enduring and SI, and no financial ability to move, and difficulties with transportation, trust, and abuse to visit family, if is not Bipolar, it's Bullying, I'm in EA #emotional Abuse Survivors, #BipolarDisorder , #AbuseSurvivors , #abuse,domestic #si #s

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× " So Today I Litterly This Time Needed Rest... Because My Body Wasn't Allowing Me To Get Up For Work " × #Anxiety #ChronicPain #Depression

× " I Sent A Text This Morning .. I Worked So Much Last Week.. My Body Told Me NO! I'm So Sleep Deprived.. That All I Think About Is Work... And Then #si #SH ... Want To Play A Role Too... Even Though I Have Never Acted Nor Done Ethier One... But I Feel Worthless All This Grinding For What Just To Try An Afford An Overpriced Place To Stay... I'm Like Running On Fume's My Job Already As Me Feeling The BURNOUT MODE... I Feel Overwhelmed And Overworked... And Not Appreciated... I'm Starting To Feel Miserable... Because Other's Don't Want To Work.. I Should Litterly Get A Pay Cutt Out Of Everyone's Check's Who Don't Want To Work... I Value My Physical And Mental Health And This Job Is Breaking Me... " × #Anxiety #Depression ☆☆☆ S.K. ☆☆☆

1 comment
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I’ve been in PTSD therapy for 2 years. I’m still not certain I fully understand avoidance. What do y’all say it is? #PTSD #si #MentalHealth

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Anniversary

Today would have been my anniversary with my ex-wife. 9 years together, 3 married.

It was a year ago last week that she told me there was someone else. Then she took it back and we tried to make it work for 7 months- the entire time she was cheating on me.

About 2 days before I came out to Utah for treatment, we called it quits for good. I couldn’t ignore the multiple forms of proof she was cheating, and we just were miserable.

I came out here in April and pretended she never existed. I ran from my problems. ​
But problems always catch up with us, don’t they? ​

A couple weeks ago, I started feeling really depressed. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t get out of bed. Then it hit me that the anniversary was coming up.​

I talked to some people today and cried. Really cried. I let myself feel the pain. It’s sucked so much, but it’s necessary for healing.

I asked my therapist to sign the papers for me to leave AMA (against medical advice). She told me I could sign them and leave, but she’d have to call the cops because she knew my level of intent to kill myself was so high. ​I told her they would’ve find me in time. She said she’d call them to pick me up right then and there. She knows how much I hate psych wards.

I told her I’m just so tired of being in so much pain without reprieve, lately. And I have no idea how much longer it’d last. Everyone keeps telling me it takes time, and it’s getting harder and harder to hold on. ​

I asked if she was frustrated with me and she said, not exactly. She said she doesn’t know how to help me.​ She said her heart hurts for me. She cried.

I told her that when therapists and other professionals had gotten to this point, had said they didn’t know how to help, that’s when they leave.​

She told me I’m projecting previous therapists’ and others’ actions onto her and it isn’t fair. ​

She says things sometimes that hurt to hear, but definitely affect me. I need to hear them. ​

#Therapy #si #SuicidalIdeation #Anniversary #Relationships #Divorce #Affair #cheating #feelings

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Feeling

I’m struggling right now.

I’m back in residential for a couple of weeks to help stabilize because my SI got bad again.
I’m in so much emotional pain. I’m doing all the things I’m supposed to be doing. I’m forcing myself to eat. I’m trying to sleep. I’m not isolating. I’m trying every coping skill that has ever worked. I’m trying every suggestion given to me, and nothing is working. The pain just won’t subside.
I know I have to process it, and that’s what else I’m doing. I’m not blocking it (which is hard when it’s your automatic response to block it). I’m feeling it. I’m crying, which I rarely do. I’m crying a lot. I’m talking about it. I’m not letting my mind focus on SI as an escape from feeling the actual issues. I’m doing all the right things and I’m still in so much constant pain. I just have to sit in it. I just have to feel it. I just have to let it be with me for the time it needs. But I am hurting so much, with no reprieve. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of fighting my brain. But I’m still doing all the right things. Hopefully this lessens some, soon. Because it feels like I’m drowning. I just need to come up for some air. Just a break.

#CPTSD #PTSD #Healing #coping #Feeling #Depression #si #ResidentialTreatment

12 comments
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Crashing down

My entire world feels like it is crashing down within me. I have literally been crying and having anxiety attacks for 3 days straight. Family, friends, work, grief, father's day, anniversary and my #si , have me beyond reason. I can't see a light right now. The last time I sent a written message to the therapist office when I was this bad, but they told me I had to call when it is this bad...but I can't even breathe much less talk. I have the keyboard memorized to basically message here because my eyes are so swollen from crying. I am guessing that it is being triggered my PTSD episode and spending too much time with husband and his family which are all triggers. Work and certain clients are triggers and my mom. Well, the perfect storm. In addition, med dose changes as they wean me off pristiq and increase the viibryd. I find myself getting paranoid a bit and pushing absolutely everyone away. I literally feel like my heart is breaking. And I have to get it together because my son has therapy for his MH in 1 hour.

3 comments
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Broken, when will it get better?

A team leader reached out and asked that I post to the group. I have suffered from #Depression for about 25 years after a traumatic event triggered me. I had been stable on meds for some time but suffered from #DVT and bilateral #pe with #ekos insertion 21 months ago. It saved my life and was the beginning of my new battle with #Depression and #Anxiety . Little did I know that the meds that I was on would slowly stop working with this life altering event, causing me to spiral into #si , #MDD and other unknown depths of mental illness.

December 2020 my PCP added a sleeping med with anxiety benefits to the regiment and it gave relief for a couple weeks, until it didn't. January 2021, I admitted myself to the hospital for #si . After a change in meds, many tweaks, 5 days in-patient and a plan, I went home. I realized while in the hospital that I was married to someone with #narcissistic tendencies. I had mentioned divorce before Christmas "blindsiding" him, yet he had brought it up months earlier. He didn't call to see how I was doing, but made sure to tell me I was being difficult when I called home.

An allergic reaction, a med change and today, another medication change on the way, I feel broken down, exhausted and like I am failing. I have a daughter with high functioning anxiety, a son with #MDD in counseling, more bills than I know what to do with and have only been released to go back to work 2 hours per day for 4 weeks. The doctor would prefer I stop working again but the savings have been depleted, the stimulus is gone and the credit card debt is climbing with the medical debt.

In 21 years together, my husband has not worried about a single financial decision. Anytime I try to discuss, I am ridiculed and verbally attacked. We have not communicated with one another since before Christmas. We tried for a few days after my discharge and he made promises but as soon as I did 1 thing he promised me that he would do, he fell back into the old patterns. Marriage counseling is scheduled to begin the end of July. I don't want to save the marriage. I only want to communicate without resentment at this point.

My kids are suffering. I'm suffering and I know he is too. We aren't happy together, why is everyone so against us trying to be happy apart? I'm sure we will have to file bankruptcy at this point. He is going to be so mad at me, but is it all my fault? I'm struggling to stay alive each day, if it wasn't for these kids, I know I wouldn't be here.

25 comments
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Resources? Advice?

Looking for resources to figure out how to pay my bills. I have never been one to ask for help. In December I knew I was spiraling. By the end of January, I was hospitalized for #si , #MDD , #Anxiety and have not been back to work. #std denied my claim. I have only been able to work 2 hours per day for 6 weeks and that has been a challenge most days. I have depleted the savings account, used the stimulus and now have nothing left to pay bills. My mom has offered to help but I don't want to put her in a tight spot as she is 78 and doesn't have any extra money either. I am currently married but the marriage is in shambles and will not survive the long term. There is no communication and when there is, it is bitterness and anxiety ridden. I have learned through this process that I have been married to someone that resembles a #narcissist . He says he wants to change but only to get his way. The pattern has been established, I just need to be strong enough to walk away emotionally, mentally and physically. This entire process has caused my physical #Health to deteriorate. I am now wearing a #eventmonitor to check for stress induced #afib . Now, the bills keep pouring in but there is nothing left to pay them, unless I use a credit card...

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