Want to do something... to move on from the horrendous trauma and hurt i have faced over the last few years. I see that to remain social, ‘normal’, one has to be seen to be proactive, positive and confident. Particularly in the time and age we live, one is judged by such attributes... and more - chutzpah, glibness, suaveness and the successes and supreme accomplishments you can rake in....Sine qua non as these are. I rarely had success in such terms and for most part i was not really into such trajectories. At times consumed by such anxieties somehow i made my peace with what i did and what i had... however little or seemingly insignificant. After all it’s the meanings you make of situations that matters and not flawed societal yardsticks.

But life gave me little latitude and was severe on me when now i remain hollowed out with complete death of my spirit and soul. Society can gloat .

Not just past experience but daily routines i confront here and now itself becomes one of gambits and zero sum game situations where stacks emerge so much against my being, my sanity, my sense of well being, my will and my abilities. In the past where notwithstanding my ill fated destiny i nevertheless tried tackled life and the situations - mostly serving me only Hobson’s choice - with some gusto and verve. I was just being positive and being in the moment, heeding and acknowledging in effect a refrain of ‘being life positive and joyful living’ served by many a worthies.

Today i’m totally eviscerated. Beaten, broken and badgered.

Under circumstances try what I might, attempt and even do... the greater possibility of defeat, loss, rejection, exclusion, being the leitmotif underwriting my existence, is so real, frightening and potent. I remain mired in despondency, fear and shame. In fact given the context of my life history i don’t think this is a mere delusion but a realization. Death is certainly the credible of relieving option if not redemption.😔 #FailureToThrive #failedlife #SuicidalThoughts #Loneliness #acutedepression #hurt #Fear