failure to thrive

The feeling of ennui, lethargy that overcomes you following repeated assaults on your sense of well being, dignity and outlook served by cruel and unforgiving fate! A painful and shameful separation, sabotaged repeatedly at work by rotten systems and work ethics being two of the many such setbacks that cruel fate dealt on me.

This has one totally capitulated and prostrate. A dreary and overpowering sense of wretchedness overcomes you from the moment you wake up... complete indifference, fear and loathing. A stigma too latches on to your persona and the few people you count on also ignore you... who wants to associate with a jinx, loser and a failure? and such unpleasant folks tantrums? and even if perceived charitably what do we tell such a person? I don’t have a family and i don’t work..., guess between the two much of modern life gets accounted for. And ergo folks look so askance when i encounter few. You become a ‘specimen’ and with such history and baggage a stigmatized ‘other’.

It’s been weeks since i have met anyone, or even had a conversation or chat whose purpose was anything other than transactional... Recall the time how one used to engage in certain banter and (seemingly) meaningful chats and meet up few folks. But then today when one thinks deeper we realise the sucker that one was in initiating such fraternizing and prop the vanity of many just to keep myself animated. So wish some would give me the same benefit of doubt today. It’s just my counselor(s) now...

So now that you have ceased taking such initiation, you are alone. And further on such recognitions, one becomes very diffident. You then recourse to other pursuits or distractions ... attempting to write a book, you read a bit... then some yoga... have a routine as well of scheduled cooking, gardening and listening to some music and netflix through the day... but nothing makes meaning or sense. Grieving alone and yet reaching to your depths to keep life and matters nominally functional is exhausting and deeply hurting...😢 How long will i be chastised by fate, circumstances and people...?? how long do i put up with such loss, shame and weariness? #SuicidalThoughts #Loss #Stigma #FailureToThrive #Shame #Loneliness #DysthymicDisorder #PerfectlyHiddenDepressedPerson

Want to do something... to move on from the horrendous trauma and hurt i have faced over the last few years. I see that to remain social, ‘normal’, one has to be seen to be proactive, positive and confident. Particularly in the time and age we live, one is judged by such attributes... and more - chutzpah, glibness, suaveness and the successes and supreme accomplishments you can rake in....Sine qua non as these are. I rarely had success in such terms and for most part i was not really into such trajectories. At times consumed by such anxieties somehow i made my peace with what i did and what i had... however little or seemingly insignificant. After all it’s the meanings you make of situations that matters and not flawed societal yardsticks.

But life gave me little latitude and was severe on me when now i remain hollowed out with complete death of my spirit and soul. Society can gloat .

Not just past experience but daily routines i confront here and now itself becomes one of gambits and zero sum game situations where stacks emerge so much against my being, my sanity, my sense of well being, my will and my abilities. In the past where notwithstanding my ill fated destiny i nevertheless tried tackled life and the situations - mostly serving me only Hobson’s choice - with some gusto and verve. I was just being positive and being in the moment, heeding and acknowledging in effect a refrain of ‘being life positive and joyful living’ served by many a worthies.

Today i’m totally eviscerated. Beaten, broken and badgered.

Under circumstances try what I might, attempt and even do... the greater possibility of defeat, loss, rejection, exclusion, being the leitmotif underwriting my existence, is so real, frightening and potent. I remain mired in despondency, fear and shame. In fact given the context of my life history i don’t think this is a mere delusion but a realization. Death is certainly the credible of relieving option if not redemption.😔 #FailureToThrive #failedlife #SuicidalThoughts #Loneliness #acutedepression #hurt #Fear

"Im a failure" I used to think those words about myself daily.. I used to wear it like an identity.
Every new task I undertook those words would flare and shout from the back of my mind, undermining each action I took..

I had heard these words as a child and they still echoed through my very character and sense of self.
I'd always tell people "be positive and you can achieve anything!" Yet somehow I could never apply those words to myself.

As I grew, so did my understanding.
I realized that I am Not my trauma, that I am more than a sum of my parts!
That inner critic I had let rule my life, was a echo of abuse and Not my inner guild as I had always thought.

Finally I was Free, in the knowledge that my inner guild only Ever wants my highest good!
So every time the little echo whispered "you are a failure.." I could see it for what it was, an abusive comment that my young mind had taken on as a self belief.

I know now I wasn't failing.
I was surviving.
Until I was able to learn to Thrive!

#PTSD #BipolarDepression #CPTSD #FailureToThrive #thriving #copingskills #Selflove #growth #Hope #Lovingyourself #BDD

Hello family (if can actually call you that) I would like to share my first post... I am from Kenya that's in Africa and am a mother but I know am failing in that part of my life... I try so hard to bond with my son who is seven now but it's proving difficult, he is so attached to me but I tend to push him away... I like being locked up in my room to be all alone and I don't want to pick my phone when it rings, I don't want to talk to anyone and I have suicidal thoughts... It's been going on for some time now since January... I moved in with my mum who has been diagnosed with leukaemia and it's not an easy thing for us in Africa at all but that's not issue at hand... My family is not supportive of me in any way, all they see is a lazy person and am ever receiving negative comments, insults, curses and all these pain me... You see in Africa they don't see anxiety as a challenge but rather a choice of laziness, I have been depressed and I don't know how to face people... My career is also going down the drain as am in the entertainment sector and I really can't afford a smile anymore... I prefer to be left alone... The other day when we went to work, I just broke down in the middle of the shoot and I couldn't explain why... I cried for hours and my moods went off for days and I didn't perform well... I am never hungry so I don't eat... Sometimes when I try to talk to someone I end up digressing from the topic and people say am abnormal but it's all ok... I also don't like my things being touched at all and when they are I feel like anxiety attacks creeping in on me... I can rant for hours and get fatigued easily... I really don't know what to say coz there is just so much going on and I don't know whom to talk to... Also am not able to see a counselor or therapist or psychiatrist at all... Can someone advise me on what exercises to do so can feel better when need be please???

I am nearly underlining every single line in this book!! What an amazing and informative read. I’ve only read chapter 1 and 5 but I seriously feel so validated!!! I have new words to put to my experiences like “Emotional Flashback” and “Toxic Shame.”

I found this book as a response from some comments in The Mighty and, though I can’t recall who mentioned this book, I want you to know that I ordered it and I am SO GRATEFUL. It’s a terrific expository review of childhood neglect and emotional abuse. I cannot put the book down and I’ve already shared it with several friends and my two siblings. I just HAD to share it with The Mighty! 🥰💖🤩🤩🤩

#CPTSD #BPD #MDD #SocialAnxiety #triggers #TraumaTriggers #Flashbacks #copingskills #Childhoodneglect #Agoraphobia #SocialPhobia #FailureToThrive #abandonment

Part 1 was about my failure to thrive as a parent. Its true. Bipolar is a demon that takes away hope and clarity. You cant think. You dont think. I wasn't always medicated. As a parent. As an employee. As an employee.

It made me DANGEROUS. I did crazy things. Made spontaneous decisions for the high. Threw things. Broke things. Slept with strangers. Bakeracted myself. You have no idea how darkness swallowed me. The nightmares And regrets I live with.

Part 2 is about my failure to thrive as an employee. Oh God. This is where my desire for a book comes in. "Bipolar in Corporate America". The job market doesn't want to accommodate us. We are a burden to them. I asked my therapist, "Truely, if someone with bipolar, if when we interviewed For a job, we told the them We had bipolar and that we would need accommodations, would they hire us?" No they wouldn't. If we told the truth we would never be hired.

My failure to thrive is that I have already been fired from 2 jobs becaus8⁰e I cant control my disease. I am my disease. Whether I have accommodations or not. Its It's never enough. The panic attacks. The anxiety. The depression. Being around so many people. Even the evaluations For performance. Its all so overwhelming.

At my first job they found me hiding under a table crying, at my 2nd Job in a cubicle crying, in the hallway having a panic attack. Now I'm at my 3rd job. Its been 6 months and Already I've had problems with management. My boss has said to me, "you use your illness as a crutch for everything. You need to move on. You have one month to improve your performance."

My world is an out of body experience. I see my life as well as live my life. I don't give up. After this obstacle, there will always be another. My favorite quote has always been, "hope for the best, prepare for the worst, snack in between" 🙂 whether I'm a failure or not.