I called to schedule an appt with my pcp today, so this is good. I’ll be able to talk about what’s been going on in my head and ask questions to see if she has any ideas, and also if maybe there’s some medication that we could look into.

It’s a start, but it feels like this “journey of dealing with bs in my head and figuring out how to deal with it” is just starting a new phase, and I don’t like it. I almost feel like I want to go back to what was going on before, when sure, I was cutting pretty regularly and had bad eating habits and some stress and emotional numbness, but at least then I still felt like I had a life. Now whatever this phase is, it’s just like I have no life because I’m so emotionally shutdown and I’m blanking out on parts of my life that are potentially stressful, and all of the emotions that are somewhere in my head, they’re all just shoved behind a dam, and I’m too scared to do anything really because the dam might fall. So it doesn’t quite feel like I have a life anymore. At least when I was cutting, I was still moving along in my life, because it was exactly how I dealt with my life. But now I’m just avoiding things and shutting down and blanking out parts of my life. And I hate this. I don’t actually want to go back to when I was self-harming, but I want to go back to when I felt alive. I want to stop feeling this nothingness, except a fear of feeling anything. And I don’t know what this phase of life and mental health and blah blah blah will look like, and I’m not sure I want to know. It’s just the start of a new phase of my life, but I’m not even sure I want it to start.

#feelingunreal #emotionallynumb #emotionallyshutdown #tired #exhausted #depressed #confused #Undiagnosed