Join the Conversation on
140 people
0 stories
21 posts
Explore Our Newsletters
What's New in

I Think I Finally Understand…

I think I understand what my last therapist was talking about when you get to a point where you no longer want the acknowledgment or validation from those who won’t give it to you. I no longer care about any of that anymore. I’ve ruled out that it had to do with my grief and numbness around my grandma being in the hospital. She passed away yesterday and although I’ve made my peace with it, I know that it’s going to hit me hard after it all sinks in. I did notice something- there are some people in my life who seem to pop in and out of life and when they choose to come back, I feel good again because they are back with me. Now, it’s totally different. Two people found their way back to me and I’m completely unfazed. I’ve even reached a point where I no longer want acknowledgment from my mom’s husband. I’m sure that I’m emotionally numb, but then again, I do think that this will send me into another episode of deep depression. I don’t really want to talk to anyone openly about this. At least not yet. All I know is that I’ve reached the “I don’t care “ mode and I don’t mind being there. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Grief #emotionallynumb #LosingAGrandparent


I hate feeling so broken inside

TW: self-harm mention.
Honestly I’m emotionally broken at this point. I’m not saying that in a self-deprecating way, just simple acknowledgement.
I’ve been repressing my emotions for so long, and to a much greater extent recently thanks to anxiety, that now I can hardly feel anything. Most of my life I’ve automatically repressed some of my emotions, just because it was how I was brought up, but recently anxiety has made me purposefully repress my emotions more than I had previously. It stopped me from self-harming, but now it’s almost impossible for me to feel anything. I look at my friends, and even when I’m actively trying to feel the love I know I have for them, it’s just outside my grasp. I miss self-harm simply because then I could still feel things, I still felt alive. Now all I feel is nothing but a void, an echo of what once was.
But I’m also afraid of my own emotions, so afraid that I don’t know which I want more. For my emotions to slowly begin to live again as I spend more time with my friends, out for me to fall into old habits of self-harm so that I can maybe feel alive again without having to truly combat my emotions. I hate this, because I haven’t self-harmed in months, and gods help me, I don’t want to relapse, but I’m terrified of my own emotions.
*sighs* I know myself well enough to know that I won’t relapse any time soon, but I hate how emotionally broken I am.

#Depression #Anxiety #Stress #scared #Selfharm #emotionallynumb #numb #EmptyInside #FeelingEmpty


I hate the turmoil in my head.

I’m mostly numb and empty, but I can still feel the overwhelming emotions in the back of my head. Panic, fear, stress, worry, loneliness, anger. I can feel the numbness most prominently, but I can still feel everything else churning in the background. Ughh I hate this instability in my head. I’ve had this for years, but it’s only gotten worse recently. I want to be numb, but more than that I want to feel calm. I don’t even care about feeling happy, I just want calmness in my own head.

#emotionallynumb #Emotionallydrained #numbness #numb #Depression #Stress #scared #EmotionalIntensity


How many people going back to college, specifically going back to on-campus college, are getting stressed out? How are you handling it?

I really haven’t done well in preparing to go back to college, so I’m pretty stressed about it. I’m excited to see friends again, but it’s been so hard for me to keep up a relationship with them online, that I’m worried we might be distant at first. My classes are going to be a nightmare in some ways, because I didn’t end last semester well.
There’s so many things that I’m going to need to do in the next few weeks, and one of the only things I know of that will help me keep up with everything and handle all of that stress is going to be talking to my advisor a lot, getting back to counseling appts, and maybe talking to some sort of special advisor who specifically helps students make plans for staying on track with assignments and handling classes that were incompleted a previous semester or whatever because I think there’s some sort of advisor like that. Basically, I’m going to be trying to build up a support system with the more professional people in my life, not just with my friends. That’s the only way that I think I’ll be able to make it through this next semester without getting overwhelmed.

Thoughts anyone? Fears and concerns about going back to college, excitements about it, plans to deal with all of these college things, etc?

#College #collegestress #Stress #scared #depressed #overwhelmed #EmotionalHealth #MentalHealth #emotionallynumb #feelingscared #nervous #Worried


Well it’s a start I guess

I called to schedule an appt with my pcp today, so this is good. I’ll be able to talk about what’s been going on in my head and ask questions to see if she has any ideas, and also if maybe there’s some medication that we could look into.

It’s a start, but it feels like this “journey of dealing with bs in my head and figuring out how to deal with it” is just starting a new phase, and I don’t like it. I almost feel like I want to go back to what was going on before, when sure, I was cutting pretty regularly and had bad eating habits and some stress and emotional numbness, but at least then I still felt like I had a life. Now whatever this phase is, it’s just like I have no life because I’m so emotionally shutdown and I’m blanking out on parts of my life that are potentially stressful, and all of the emotions that are somewhere in my head, they’re all just shoved behind a dam, and I’m too scared to do anything really because the dam might fall. So it doesn’t quite feel like I have a life anymore. At least when I was cutting, I was still moving along in my life, because it was exactly how I dealt with my life. But now I’m just avoiding things and shutting down and blanking out parts of my life. And I hate this. I don’t actually want to go back to when I was self-harming, but I want to go back to when I felt alive. I want to stop feeling this nothingness, except a fear of feeling anything. And I don’t know what this phase of life and mental health and blah blah blah will look like, and I’m not sure I want to know. It’s just the start of a new phase of my life, but I’m not even sure I want it to start.

#feelingunreal #emotionallynumb #emotionallyshutdown #tired #exhausted #depressed #confused #Undiagnosed


Is splitting always a sort of “extreme” of good vs bad, love vs hate?

I’ve been browsing online the last few days, trying to understand what’s been going on in my head, and I came across quiet bpd. I don’t know much about it, beyond what’s on the Internet, and I don’t want to assume that the internet is correct, so I’m asking a few questions here to see if quiet bpd is something I should discuss with a therapist or if there are just similarities between quiet bpd and what is going on in my head. (Sorry if I end up using incorrect terms or anything, I’m brain-dead, tired, confused, and overwhelmed, so I might not be thinking clearly enough to correctly explain things.

Anyways, online I’ve seen splitting often described as people being put into “categories” of almost a “good vs bad, love vs hate” etc. So I guess I have a couple of questions, is it only two “categories” or can it be more than two? Can splitting be applied to things other than people, like to situations or environments or events or acting?

And my main question that is more directly connected to what’s going on in my head, can splitting basically be having these people that you love and adore and love spending time with and everything, and then it just shuts off, the part of you that’s emotionally connected to these people just shuts off. It’s not that you suddenly hate these people or you think they’re bad or going to necessarily hurt you or anything, but your emotions towards them just.. switch off. Maybe the majority of your emotions have also shut off simultaneously due to overwhelming emotions or situations, or maybe the emotions directly linked to the person/people have just shut off. Maybe there is a subconscious fear of abandonment and/or being emotionally vulnerable. Maybe there’s a fear of being a burden on them or them actually hurting you somehow.
Can that still be considered splitting, the divide between consciously loving these people and wanting to be around them and feeling emotionally connected with them vs feeling nothing or possibly a few trace negative feelings that may or may not be connected to those people.

Sorry for a bit of a ramble, I’m just trying to figure out my own head, and get a better understanding of quiet bpd so I can know whether or not I should look into this with a therapist.

#quietborderline #quietbpd #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #bpdsymptoms #EmotionalIntensity #emotionallynumb


I want to be sad

I just watched a movie on Netflix called Carrie Pilby. During the movie, her therapist keeps telling her that she is allowed to be happy. Towards the end as I had tears coming to my eyes, I realized that what I want to be allowed to do right now is to be sad.

I don't feel like I can express any emotions freely while living with Grandma, and I especially can't cry. Everything that I do ends up getting told to anyone and everyone she talks to on the phone or communicates with on Facebook, and I just don't need that. I want some privacy.

I came back to my home country after nearly six years abroad and I am not happy. I don't think the same way as people here after my experiences, but I am expected to because this is my home country. I miss my friends and my independent life abroad. I miss feeling valued. I miss being able to be invisible. I miss not having to apologize for being uncommunicative (because I don't speak the language well). I miss feeling like I had a purpose in life and that I had many possible good futures. I really miss having my own apartment.

I want to be sad. I want to cry loudly and have red eyes in the morning. I want to feel free to just have the emotions that I have.

I guess I'm not as emotionally numb as I thought I was...

#sad #lonely #Family #emotionallynumb #Depression #Anxiety #reversecultureshock


Emotional energy

I've been living with my grandma since January and during this time several relatives who I don't even know have passed away. It happened again today.

Disregarding my issues, I can explain away not crying and not wanting to listen to stories about the relative by the fact that I didn't know them.

Really, though, I've been repressing my emotions for so long that I can't feel things and I don't want to open up the floodgates in a situation where I don't feel safe.

I realized today that as soon as someone I care about needs my emotional support, I avoid them or ignore them. I hate that I do that, but I just don't have emotional energy or a typical emotional range.

#Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #emotionallynumb


Not a movie ending

My mom texted me today to say that she has the symptoms of Covid-19. She lives 6 hours away from me. She is over sixty and has some additional health risks.

This is the moment in the movies when the lead character has this overwhelming desire to resolve things with the family member who is sick in case they die. I feel nothing. I keep trying to imagine how I would feel if my dad called to say that my mom had passed away and I feel nothing. I think that I should cry, feel regret, mourn - but none of those things feel real.

My mom is not an emotionally safe person and I have become increasingly aware of her emotional neglect as a parent when I was growing up. Over the past few years, I have also become aware of her emotionally abusive behaviour toward my dad - maybe she always was and I just didn't see it, or maybe it has gotten worse since Dad retired and they are home together more.

Her parenting style contributed to my acceptance of an emotionally abusive partner and she also helped to enable that relationship in several ways. I feel betrayed by her because of this.

I don't know how to absorb this health news about my mom. I don't know how to act or what to say. I'm living with my dad's mom and she keeps saying how worried she is about my mom and I feel like she is confused by my lack of response. I haven't even responded to my mom's text message yet because I don't know what to say.

#Family #Feeling #COVID19 #emotionallynumb #EmotionalAbuse


Emotional response

My grandma just told me that my cousin is in the hospital with sudden onset severe abdominal pain. She was crying and really suffering after hearing this news. I feel sad that I don't feel sad. Emotional numbness has become such a normal part of my life that the only things I really feel are physical symptoms of anxiety and devastating despair from depression.

I told my sister the other day that I had finally found a doctor and she said, "I'm so happy for you." It reminded me that I was supposed to feel happy about that, but then her statement caused an emotional flashback of negated feelings by my narcissistic ex and I didn't care that I didn't feel happy.

It's pretty difficult in these extreme times to remember to make the expressions on my face match the expected emotion of the moment, but I'm trying to keep up.

#emotionallynumb #CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #NarcissisticAbuse