This entire thing has been rewritten because once I went to post it it disappeared completely. I thought it was important for me to document this so I took the time to get it put back together. I need to read this in the future.

Basically, somehow I ended up getting the energy to clean and reorganize my room.

I live in a ran down house. Cleaning isn't that rewarding. It used to be when I've lived other places but this is one of the houses that no matter what you do to it it still looks like poop. They always told me you can't polish a terd.

So because of that, and the extreme depression, I find it difficult to clean up like I should.

I used to love cleaning and reorganizing and decorating. It was fun.

Well tonight I managed to go to the kitchen and grab a trash bag, throw away all of the random odds and ends, everything from makeup wipes, to tealight candles, to insense sticks and water bottles. (atleast I'm staying hydrated)

I even found my insense holder so I can actually use that instead of sticking it into a random hole in the wall or in a candle that I should have thrown away a year ago but I haven't because my mom gave it to me and I've formed an attachment to it.

I wiped all the crud off of everything, including the ashes from the insense sticks. I put the dirty clothes in the hamper. I organized all my essential oils and I put all my hair stuff and my body sprays in one basket. I'll vacuum tomorrow because my boyfriend is asleep.

I also ran out of small trash bags so I got the empty cat food bag and pinned it up against the wall so I may be more likely to throw my stuff in there vs. the floor or the table beside me.

Yes, I know that's embarrassing. I am aware my depression has made me a lazy sack of shiz and I know I need to do better. I'm working on it. But I didn't come here to lie or beat around the bush. Depression and mental illness in general comes with a lot of embarrassing baggage that people dont talk about, and that doesn't even scrape the surface.

I guess I'm grateful that my mind has given me a break and allowed me to get up and clean. It looks a lot better and I feel better. I really do. It was worth it. I have to remember that this is how I feel right now so that I'll keep doing it. I'm also grateful that my mind has allowed me to see the things im grateful for. It may not be much but atleast I have a roof over my head. I've got food in the fridge, a bed to sleep in, and thankfully the air is working a little bit better now so it's not 93 degrees in here like it was last summer.

I've got the fan blowing directly on me and a cold drink on the clean table beside me. I've got someone who loves me sleeping right beside me, and a future full of possibilities. I'm safe. I can upgrade in the future but right now I'm okay. I feel okay. I just wish I could wakeup tomorrow and feel this at peace. My emotions are always up and down.

I live for days like today where I do give myself a break and feel at peace and okay.

So, people say you can't polish a terd. I think they're wrong. You can polish a terd. You just gotta stay humble. I need to remember that and apply it to many things in my life. Things will get better. I have hopes I will get better. Hopefully that will see me through.

#MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #Motivation #cleanup #grateful #Stayhumble #Blessed #MightyTogether #ImTrying #hopetheory #Hope