hyperarousal

On May 15th, I got a miracle. Although I have uncovered a gaping void of emptiness underneath, I still proclaim the Ganglion block performed by Stella treatment centers of America a goshdarn miracle! The doctor said nobody quite understands how or why these injections into my neck under numbing meds work, but as I laid perfectly still on the table, terrified of life, sick of hyperventilating, sick of needing to rest in the shower, sick of waking up every morning terrified, I watched my pulse go from the 120+bpm where my trauma had me stuck down to 82! Its around 90 in June. I've been fighting for 5 years. I began the month of May diving under tables, falling, stuttering, screaming in surprise and jumping if silence was unexpectedly broken, and in a psych unit. I began the month of June alone with my 21 year old son, sleeping and waking up like most people, I remember where I am, and I can talk in sentences again. Mostly ordered. I'm able to notice birdsong, the slight breeze, details, and I am not a triggered mess. I actually thought ( since I've been on benzodiazapines for 32 years others did too) I had early onset dementia. The woman from the dementia hotline thought so too! After what I think was a 20 minute procedure, there are no symptoms of dementia present. I'm not frozen anymore! I actually cooked! I ate too! I can go inside Walmart! My son notices that my tremors are gone. It used to be hard and uncomfortable to stand up for several reasons, one of which was my legs and butt shaking. That stopped immediately. I put on pajamas for the third time in 2 decades. For the price of a wisdom tooth extraction with anesthesia, I have the ability to think and go outside and even drive again! My trauma stories are less, and I feel heard when I speak more.
Unfortunately I lost my 14 and 18 year old daughters' to my symptoms before I could get help. My girls were, unfortunately, sick of being the ones who helped me when I fell down (yes, trauma can cause that), got pillows when I hyperventilated and had to lie down on the floor, driving me to the emergency room when my pulse was 140 and rising, telling me where I am as soon as my eyes flew open in absolute terror when short merciful sleep was over. I feel terrible about it and wonder if they will ever forgive me. Since C-PTSD isn't a diagnosis yet, there's nobody around here who treats it. I have the Complex PTSD workbook for therapy. All by myself, I'm still discovering how it manifested and why I seemed drunk but was completely sober, how emotional shock trauma is real, the fear of repeated assault might not end, nobody wants to be vented to, don't give the full honest answer to "how are you", and now I understand what disassociating is. The hospital helped me with breathing techniques, and they're effective, but only helped until the next trigger which was only minutes away. Now I feel calm. I have the ability to live. It's a miracle! There are Stella centers in many states. Worth it 100%

#MightyPoets #CPTSD #Dissociation #Trauma #hyperarousal #hypoarousal #MentalHealth #windowoftolerance #coping #MySymptoms #triggerwarning  

I feel like I want to disappear into dissociation.

The calling to that old familiar numbness is so inviting. I let myself slip a little, in and out of presence, teetering, just on the edge.

The edge.

And there it is again. That hyper-aroused state, begging me to jump in without looking, to go Full Speed Ahead, without slowing down.

But this is also the edge! Like a train, I have the potential to miss the mark, to propel myself forward, rolling through the stop, breaking under pressure, catching myself only after it's too late.

It's a struggle. One I am becoming conscious of, which seems to do nothing but add to my plight.

I'm trying so hard to avoid THAT PLACE. A place so visceral, so filled with terror. A place in which there are no words, no matter how hard I look for them. A place where even fear forgets its own name. A place I know far too well.

And I know I have to go there, I have to face the wordless, vacuous space that seems to surround me and fill me with a dread that cannot be described.

Don't move!

It's fascinating how much effort goes into being still. The pressure of it burdens every fiber of my body.

I feel frozen--unable to move. The numbness finds me again, and I surrender.