dissociation

With #BipolarDisorder I can't tell if I'm up or down but I feel like my moods are all over the place. I feel usually frustrated probably because I have to face my abuser soon which will trigger the #PTSD which could possibly result in #Dissociation . I have worked really hard to heal and stay away from toxic people. Now I feel like I'm being set back. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder only complicates things. I already have difficulty with my emotions and being triggered will not help. My #Anxiety is off the charts. I know I am safe and that my fiancé won't let anyone hurt me but it's the thought of being in his presence one more time. I just don't know what to do, my friends are saying rest and be gentle with myself but that seems impossible right now. Honestly, I hope this doesn't push me to #Selfharm because I promised myself I would never do that again. I guess I just need words of encouragement and comfort right now. Thanks guys.

#Childhoodtrauma #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAssault #needhelp #checkin

Whenever I feel disconnected from myself or from the world, I tend to listen to Radiohead’s song “How to Disappear Completely” and it helps ground me back as I breathe. What music do you listen to when you feel this way? #Depression #Anxiety #Dissociation #Music

I'm empty and I'm ok with that I feel numb and even if I wanna feel something I'll feel pain, sometimes I question my existence, am I here just to suffer and listen to everyone's problems and comfort them?what about me?

I hate myself for being that way I stopped myself feeling because of being sensitive but idk what to do.

you know for while now I have visions of me harming my self or cuting my hand i tried alot of time to do it but i controled my self, sometimes i am weak and I feel like giving up but Idk i'm exhauseted.

everyday I don't wanna wake up from bed and feel I wanna do something i just exist I'm not alive and this is me for years it feels like I used to it idk what is that but I just wanna share my feelings

And bieng undianosed makes me feel crazy and worse,yes I have all the symptoms but I really don't know i'm really in dark world

#Depression #BPD #Undiagnosed #Dissociation #Selfharm

I've never been diagnosed with any skinpicking disorder formally but I used to pinch myself, hit myself etc when I was young because I was the one who should be hurt.
Fast forward at least 25 years and sometimes when I come back in from a bath, I'm happy with my skin, how the soap made it feel and smell... Until I find anything that stands out. I know I shouldn't pick because I'll be mad at myself about what if someone sees blood on my clothes?
It's like every time I'm fine with how I look, the next minute, I'm pinching, trying to pop something. Then my mental rumination goes on,
you're ugly
you don't know how to care for yourself
you're evil
you're a coward for not committing suicide
you're shit.
Everyone's using nonverbal gestures to talk about how awful you look
they say one thing, maybe a compliment but they're meaning the extreme opposite

I dissociate, but don't notice it until some time passes and my partner on the inside is calling my name, the name I use because I hate my given name,
he's trying to get my attention because I'm bleeding. Bleeding? What? Who? me probably.
Shit. I know I'm evil. Have to get the evil out, right? Only way to do that is to make it flat.
inside partner manages to come out, wash the hands, put something like menthol on the cuts.
I come back.
Mental rage begins.
My parents always made fun of me for having pimples, and even more so when their cleanser etc acne stuff didn't do a damned thing. They made fun of my teth.
And I can't get those words out of my head.
I need something that feels the same, making the same motions but not on me. We once got some oranges. for some reason peeling them felt like picking but wasn't. The same goes for peeling boiled eggs. But neither of those is portable or easily renewable. So how do I not do this? I don't know if it's anxiety, wishing to flattening the bumps to hide them or if it's me punishing myself but doing it in such a way that even if everything is taken away from me that I can still hurt myself. Rationally I don't want to, but emotionally I just hate myself more than anything or anyone on this planet. I don't want to exist. But I know the others in our bands do want me to, and do care. I'm the one who wants to fight by fighting myself, to run by not being myself, having someone else just take over all the time. That last one I'm getting better at balance between letting others who are safe enough and want to come out do so, but also being myself. I just don't know what this is, and because we have a lot of others inside who struggle, it's hard to find enough time to ask about this. Most of the people I know inside have something like this that they do. For some, the evil isn't as strong, but for me and one other especially lately, it's hard, sometimes impossible not to do this. It's like I'm not allowed to feel like I'm anything other than evil. Not evil like ruin the world evil, evil like I should be a worm crushed beneath someone's shoe. Evil like repulsive and a shame to the world. I know fixing my view of myself will take time, but I really need some things, with descriptions not pictures, that others use to make the same kind of feeling in a safer way. Please. I would really appreciate it. I'm picking before I know I'm picking. #CPTSD #Dissociation #ChronicDepression
#Dermatillomania

The hardest part for me is relying on medication. I take anxiety meds, and they alleviate symptoms. I’m not really sure how. I’ve been dissociating slightly, and while sometimes enjoyable, it’s best not to have too often.

My dissociation is slight, mostly. I become the characters of my stories, and they become me. Sometimes this is enjoyable, being so close to my characters. It’s almost like we’re hanging out together!

But it can be hell, too. I am lucid most of the time throughout this experience. How it is, is like this. Imagine yourself, even though you cannot see yourself fully. You cannot see your own eyes, your face. But you visualize what they look like. Now, if you dissociate like I do, you are now someone else. That visualization of yourself is gone, and now it is someone else. When I demonstrate this example, I often like to describe the character as a dogman.

This dogman is named MJ, from my brother’s dog. He’s a good pupper, a golden retriever that is the most playful, well behaved little mutt you’ll ever find.

Now MJ is you.

He’s under your skin, your skin is now fur. He’s great to have around, and is so fun. Do not be alarmed that you are MJ.

But MJ is with you, as you are lucid.

This dogman takes over your actions, any action you do, is now the dog’s. But the dog is friendly, and plays with you instead. Dance and sing with the dog, he likes it.

But doesn’t your own sense of self seem slightly distorted? Faded? Watered down?

I know mine does when this happens.

Instead of myself, I am many people. And when a bad one gets in the room, for example… the Devil, the party goes quiet.

And he is never very nice.

Being you.

Around you.

Causing you harm.

But MJ scares him away.

This is the dissociation of a schizophrenic. Not everyone has this. Not even every schizophrenic. I know I didn’t before until my symptoms progressed. Some people have it worse, and do not understand it is happening. This other person takes over, and you are gone.

So be kind to yourself, and accentuate your sense of self.

My medication helps reduce dissociation.

So always keep stocked on the brand you need, as I will be doing soon.

#Dissociation

#Schizophrenia