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The selfish orb (short story about putting yourself first)

This is a short story kinda about putting yourself first I don't know if I'm meant to put up story's here let me know if I need to take it down.

Application denied it's like they didn't even try to understand. I pick up the phone and request a teleporter come to come talk to me.

"It's absolutely ridiculous" he ranted before I could talk. "orb's are meant to help others not themselves.
You can have any power a human could want and you chose this?" I nod slightly annoyed as I had chosen this for a reason.

I had that look on the one that said you idiot. "I can add more powers later in life" I say "however right now this is what I need."

"BB-But" he spluttered, " you could really help other people."

I lose my temper now, snapping "look at me! In this hospital I can't leave this bed. Now tell me what use am I with strong powers if I can not leave this bed!"

He opens his mouth "ehh ehh excuse me one minute I just got too" … he teleports. Not long after I get an emailed apology and a successful application for a health boost.

#Depression #Autism #learningdisability #functionalneurologicaldisorder #goldenharsyndrome #ADHD #PTSD #Anxiety #Dissociation #ChronicPain #basilarinvagination (Basilar Invagination problem with spine and neck)

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Hello I'm new

Hello I'm new. I'm also new to Socialising in general so I'm really anxious. I have a very secluded life and I am lonely. I look falword to makeing a fool of myself as I get used to the world of Socialising 🤣. I may get a fue things wrong and please let me know as I do so. My problems include the following #Depression #Autism #FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder #GoldenharSyndrome #ADHD #PTSD #Anxiety #Dissociation #BasilarInvagination (Basilar Invagination problem with spine and neck)

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'I'm addicted to my toxic ex' - A Long Rant

I share a trauma bond with my ex.....whom i broke up with twice already and now we're 'friends'. Even my friends have noticed and told me that i look drained every time i come back from meeting him. I start isolatinf myself and after a week of on and off staying over at his place, the day he left the city, i came back to my room and had a full blown hour long anxiety attack.
During the relationship, he would be all cute and ask me to buy him gifts, and keep them a surprise. I asked for gifts too, something small enough to carry around with me. Something that would remind me of him and help me ground myself.
After the break up, i have started giving my more gifts, buying randoms things for myself and asking him if he wants them. Today I asked him to order me dinner and surprise me. He was too tired to order me food and said he'll send me the money so i can order anything i want. I said no and added on (that he texted to me later) - "Oh yeah right you don't believe in gifts and gestures". Last night i realised i don't need gifts from him to feel appreciated and i apologised and called myself 'petty' for continuously asking for gifts (which i have still not gotten, NO GIFT IN OUR 9 MONTH LONG RELATIONSHIP).

My self esteem made me defend myself on how his taunt and blame are hurtful. I stood my ground and yet when the conversation ended, i had this intense fear and pain in my chest. I can't stop crying, I'm ducking angry and scared of him at the same time, yet i crave his kindness, validation and time. I keep going back. My therapist specifically told me not to be in contact with him, told me how and what aspects of my life he's affecting (negatively).

And yet i go back. A week, two weeks, three weeks of silence, withdrawal hits, i open my phone and type in his number. I'm so tired of this cyclical emotional abuse.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #EmotionalAbuse #AbusiveRelationship #Depression #Anxiety #Dissociation

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Dissociation In Six Parts

1. I’m standing in my elementary school bathroom,

Staring into the mirror;

When I first become


2. Seated in the waiting room of a Boston law office,

My father in a meeting,

I stare at a large landscape painting on the wall.

Suddenly I’m falling

through the frame.

I’m twelve.

3. It’s summertime in the Hamptons.

I go to kiss my father goodnight

But I don’t recognize his face —

features distorted and grotesque.

I say nothing, ruminate in bed.

I’m thirteen.

4. I’m age nineteen-almost-twenty,

Recently released from the psychiatric ward,

Out to dinner with friends.

Their voices are far away and echoing,

Then much too loud.

Something is wrong,

Something is wrong,

I have to go home —

Dad says, You’re okay, it was a panic attack.

Go lie down.

5. I’m twenty, sitting on the floor of the family room,

Trying to feel my face —

I can’t feel my face.

I’m touching it, pinching it, but

I can’t feel my hands on my face.

Can I feel my legs?

A little bit.

Something is wrong.

Something is very wrong.

The clock reads 3am when I call my psychiatrist’s emergency line.

You’re in luck, he tells me.

You’re already taking the medication used to treat this —

It’s called depersonalization —

Take extra tonight and call me in the morning.

It should help immediately.

It does.

6. I’m 30-something.

Life is a series of Polaroids,

A glitchy stop motion film,

Sound as if from far away.

Walking the dog,

I fear I’ll fall through

The sidewalk.

I trip over cracks, the world spins faster—-

Where in space is my body?

Where are my feet?

#Dissociation #Depersonalization #Derealization #CPTSD #Anxiety #Trauma #creativewriting

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Can anyone help me explain better?

I am repeatedly encouraged to “continue pushing” despite the fact that I actually, literally shut down. As in I go, I try, but I don’t make success with the task at least half of the time.
This is not okay, it reinforces my #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #Agoraphobia and #PanicAttacks

I am by myself, on the floor, and rarely get what I need.

The stuff I end up with doesn’t make sense- like groceries don’t go together.

I have tried multiple ways of navigating this. At this point- I need my service providers to fully comprehend how bad it is. Is this #Dissociation ? Bc it isn’t just the agoraphobia. It happens even if I’m just performing a task inside.

My brain shuts down, I cry, I have panic attacks, I cannot think. I have no supports to call and it makes me hate myself and feel so angry that I know what to do but I cannot get my body to do it.

I need them to stop reinforcing this unhealthy expectation that if I “show up to something” it’s a success. Because I end up sicker after. For days to weeks. With things like emotional flashbacks, more severe #Migraine and self hate like I haven’t experienced before the cptsd got bad.

How do I explain that I cannot just force my body to move to do what they think it can do?

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Web app for dissociation

Hi everyone! I hope this is suited for this group. I am currently on the very early stages of developing a web app for people experiencing dissociative symptoms in any form. I've noticed there aren't many resources for dissociation in this form, and I want to help change that.

The idea would be to make it as comprehensible as possible, since ideally someone experiencing dissociation wouldn't need to use multiple apps, but just this one. I am trying to gather as much feedback regarding this as possible, both from people with lived experience and from some experts.

Although it wouldn't be exclusively for DID, it would be meant to be suitable for someone with DID (for example, specifically for DID I am thinking about including features to keep a record of your parts and a journal feature that can be a parts journal if the user chooses that option).

Of course, grounding exercises, symptoms tracking, and so on, would also be included, even though this could be more general.

Could you please share your thoughts and ideas on this with me? I would love to hear from more people what is actually needed and helpful! Thanks in advance!#Dissociation #DID #Dissociative #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #dpdr #DissociativeEpisode #DissociativeDisorder #DissociativeFugue #dissociativeamnesia

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I'm new here!

Hi everyone,
I am currently working on a web app to help people living with dissociative symptoms. I am still on very early stages of this development, and I would love to hear from you what you feel that could be useful! What do you think you need the most that could be in the form of a website?
It is possible that, if it shows useful, a mobile app version will also be built later, but for now I don't have resources or enough knowledge on mobile development yet.
Thanks in advance for your inputs!

#MightyTogether #Dissociation #dpdr #DID #DissociativeDisorder #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #DissociativeEpisode #DissociativeFugue #dissociativedisorders #dissociativeamnesia

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I’m tired.

Literally every time some one asks how I am, that’s what I say. It’s simple, accurate and vague. Normally that last part is intentional as I don’t have the spoons to explain *everything.*

For once I’d like to take the time to define it. My memory sucks, constant brain fog and dissociation. I’m always taking notes as my memory is untrustworthy. So for at least the current snapshot in time, this is what I mean when I say I’m tired.

I’m tired of being in pain.

If I am awake I am most likely in pain. It’s been with me as long as I can remember. It’s a mix of illnesses and injuries. I have hyper mobile joints, and my body is constantly cracking and popping. Everything from knuckles to ribs and hips. The last Rheumatologist I had diagnosed me with fibromyalgia, but my current doctor wants me to get tested for EDS.

On the injury front I’ve broken my foot, I’ve been in five car accidents (that i remember, maybe more?) and I’ve fallen off an ATV. That I don’t recommend. Especially on a gravel driveway. My spouse will confirm - I’m always asking for a back rub and my bones are making weird noises.

I’m tired of depression and anxiety.

I have diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, ADHD, and there’s at least one other thing, but I’m going to hold off as it hasn’t been officially diagnosed. I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was a teenager, and more than my share of frequent flier miles with the grippy sock hotel and screamatorium. I won’t go into detail here but I have trauma from gun violence, and these almost daily mass shootings are amplifying my already heightened anxiety.

I’m tired of feeling like an imposter.

Am I Queer enough? Trans enough? Punk enough? Are my diagnoses mental and physical correct? Am I neurodiverse enough? Did i just trick people into thinking this is who I am?

I’m tired of having a target on my back.

I’m from a Jewish family, I’m in a same sex relationship and I’m trans. So it very much feels like half the country wants me (and people like me) disappeared or killed and, again, this only adds fuel to the bonfire that is my anxiety. As a Queer Jew(ish) person I’m aware that the Nazis started with Trans people and also, im only here writing this as my ancestors left Europe when then did. In the last month I’ve made sure my Life Insurance is paid, and up to date as well as my organ donor card. If something does happen to me, I at least want something good to come from it. This feels very real, and it’s absolutely terrifying.

I’m tired of being suicidal.

My baseline is passive suicidality. So for me one of my triggers to realise things are bad isn’t, “am I having suicidal thoughts today?” because I am everyday. My triggers have to be actively planning. And that’s dangerous as by the time you realise there is a problem you’re already in a crisis. Being on constant vigilance as you could be a danger to yourself at any point means you can’t ever fully relax. As I have a bad habit of self harming in a dissociative state this is an actual threat.

To be honest, it’s also a weird feeling suicidal while also having a real fear of being killed. Haven’t quite worked that one out yet…

I’m tired of not functioning.

I have a shitty memory. Im six months in at my job and I feel so behind and so stupid. By the time I’m home after work I’m so exhausted from trying to not fail at my job, while dealing with everything I wrote above going on at the same time. I come home and I put on comfy clothes, I get high (I have a prescription, and also shame - but that’s a different novel), I eat something, that requires low to minimal cooking, and I’m normally asleep before 10:00 pm.

I can’t remember the last time I had the energy to do laundry. The dishes only get done with any regularity as my spouse is a goddamn saint - but that isn’t fair to her. The point I’m trying to make is I’m spending all the energy I have on just existing, and that feels below the bare minimum. My depression absolutely loves when it can make me feel like a failure. And from the stack of dirty laundry on the floor, to unopened boxes from when we moved last year, to the pile of empty pill bottles that are sitting next to the bed - there is constant fuel for that fire.

I just want to be good enough. Good enough for the spouse who has taken care of me for almost a decade. Good enough for my friends. I love you, I wish I could do more. For my family, who while I love dearly I definitely feel like the black sheep of. I’m tired of feeling not good enough.

I just needed to get this out of my head. I won’t say I’m okay, cause I just re-read what I wrote (and yikes).

But I’m just tired.

#Depression #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #PassiveSuicidalIdeation #tired #Dissociation #LGBTQIA

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Hi Everyone! Those of you who deal with the derealization side of dissociation (i.e. feeling like everything is a dream, but you're aware that isn't true) , how do you pull yourself out when it's been a couple weeks? For me, nothing has worked and its going to bed and waking up feeling like things are fake. I am on my medication regiment consistently, and am looking for a new psychiatrist as I just moved but in the mean time, what works for you? #Dissociation #ADHD #Derealization #Anxiety #Stress

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A Misstep.

Hi all.

I guess the fact that my posts have getting few and far between is a good thing. Since I last posted, I’ve continued on my mental health journey. I felt that I got to a point in my life where everything was finally starting to make sense…so much so that I thought I was strong enough to try to wean off of my antidepressants. I am in no way, shape or form embarrassed to be on them. I see them as a helpful tool. However, I also do not want to be on them for my whole life. I thought I was mentally strong enough and ready to give life a go without them. Oh how wrong I was.
I am once again struggling with dissociation, depression, high anxiety and just feeling scared all of the time. I resumed taking the medication a week after I stopped. Tomorrow will mark 5 weeks that I’ve been back on Lexapro. However, the dissociation is still really bad right now. I feel stupid for causing myself all of this grief. I’ve dealt with this many times before and got through it, but it never changes how horrible it is when you’re going through it.
The biggest thing I need right now is words of encouragement. I’d greatly appreciate it. 💜

#Depression #Anxiety #Dissociation #Derealization #CheckInWithMe

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