How Dissociation Feels to Me
The hardest part for me is relying on medication. I take anxiety meds, and they alleviate symptoms. I’m not really sure how. I’ve been dissociating slightly, and while sometimes enjoyable, it’s best not to have too often.
My dissociation is slight, mostly. I become the characters of my stories, and they become me. Sometimes this is enjoyable, being so close to my characters. It’s almost like we’re hanging out together!
But it can be hell, too. I am lucid most of the time throughout this experience. How it is, is like this. Imagine yourself, even though you cannot see yourself fully. You cannot see your own eyes, your face. But you visualize what they look like. Now, if you dissociate like I do, you are now someone else. That visualization of yourself is gone, and now it is someone else. When I demonstrate this example, I often like to describe the character as a dogman.
This dogman is named MJ, from my brother’s dog. He’s a good pupper, a golden retriever that is the most playful, well behaved little mutt you’ll ever find.
Now MJ is you.
He’s under your skin, your skin is now fur. He’s great to have around, and is so fun. Do not be alarmed that you are MJ.
But MJ is with you, as you are lucid.
This dogman takes over your actions, any action you do, is now the dog’s. But the dog is friendly, and plays with you instead. Dance and sing with the dog, he likes it.
But doesn’t your own sense of self seem slightly distorted? Faded? Watered down?
I know mine does when this happens.
Instead of myself, I am many people. And when a bad one gets in the room, for example… the Devil, the party goes quiet.
And he is never very nice.
Causing you harm.
But MJ scares him away.
This is the dissociation of a schizophrenic. Not everyone has this. Not even every schizophrenic. I know I didn’t before until my symptoms progressed. Some people have it worse, and do not understand it is happening. This other person takes over, and you are gone.
So be kind to yourself, and accentuate your sense of self.
My medication helps reduce dissociation.
So always keep stocked on the brand you need, as I will be doing soon.