Addictions and toxic secrets
In 3 days I will have been self harm free for a year. I’ve noticed after being forced to keep a massive secret that its reminding me how much of an addiction it really is. Twice in the past week I’ve been mere moments away from throwing it all out the window. I’m 25 and still live at home so my parents keep me in the know on major bills and issues with our home. Well last week I received a group text from my mom with my dad included saying something would be in the mail from their mortgage lender but it was just insurance issues not to worry. Let me preface this with the fact that we’ve been in this situation before.. three other times to be exact. So I was slightly concerned but not too worried because things have been great for the last 6 years. I got up to shower and let my dog out and when I opened the front door an officer was pulling out of our driveway I thought it was strange but still nothing had crossed my mind. I turned around and there it was taped to our door.. NOTICE OF FORECLOSURE. My heart sank instantly so I started blowing up my mom’s phone until she answered. I was met with answers like “we’ll figure it out” and “I had no idea I was told it’s just insurance!” I have POTS and anxiety which when one is flared up it triggers the other and I get really sick so she told me I needed to calm down because they have it under control this time and I have nothing to worry about this time. She gets home that day and after dinner I have words with them and I was told how they’re going to fix it and not to tell anyone. So I haven’t but anytime I ask for updates it looks worse and worse. My hands start to shake my heart rate rises and I start to immediately reach for some to self harm with. I know it’s an addiction and I’ll fall back into the vicious cycle of guilt and regret. I can’t stop thinking about the clarity and relief I get from it. I’ve tried drawing, I’ve tried distractions, I’ve tried so many different ways to cope but having no one to talk to and no control over anything is slowly drowning me. I’m stuck in the life I have because of my POTS and I not being able to live on my own. #POTS #Depression #Anxiety #Selfharm #scecrets #coping
Put Your Batteries On!
What is your go to music or artist when you are feeling triggered?