Also TW for some caps and swearing
Some a-hole on a Fandom page claims that equality movements such as Black Lives Matter and MeToo are “no longer needed since it’s popular in Western society”.
Black trans women are still being murdered to this day. Many women are still getting raped to this day. And DO NOT SAY “but men get raped too” as an excuse! Yes, it’s sad and it should never happen to ANYONE, but saying that as a combat is just an attempt to excuse the situation or make it seem little. It’s sickening and gross.
Black folks are still being targeted for racism especially by the authorities. Black churches are burning. Asians were JUST compared to the virus not that long ago and still are today (please don’t say the virus name, it haunts me). Non-white folks and LGBTQ+ folks are still facing unfair challenges such as pay gaps, unequal healthcare, sexist/racist/queerphobic remarks on a day to fucking day basis. Non-binary and genderqueer folks are STILL often ignored in our society.
Just because they are fucking popular sayings or beliefs DOESN’T MEAN that there are little issues or that they’re “no longer needed”. That is such a horrible, disgusting, pig-ish way to even look at this. These are still big fucking issues that we deal with not just here, but in this world as well. They still exist on a daily basis and it’s hurting many of us, and to say that bullcrap is just so fucking selfish! 😡😡😡
Another morning, more gut-wrenching sadness to face from the moment I open my eyes. I’ve not been feeling much at all lately and living in a state of just not caring has been strangely peaceful. I haven’t been met with intense and irrational emotions that I can’t control for a few days now. That came to an end this morning.
I feel it deep in my chest - the sadness. The same place I feel most things but it is so intense. So heavy. I feel lonely and worthless. Hopeless. I start to think about my life and what purpose it has. I read once about a guy struggling and saying to his friend he was going to kill himself. His friend told him he wouldn’t. He was furious and wanted to kill himself to prove his friend wrong. But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bring himself to actually kill himself despite constantly having suicidal thoughts.
I constantly have suicidal thoughts yet I’ve never had a suicide attempt. It’s ran through my head on a daily basis for at least 6 years now. I’ve harmed myself many times but never once attempted to take my own life. The guy’s friend in the story told him he couldn’t take his own life because he had a purpose in this life that he hadn’t figured out yet. Sometimes I can take comfort in that and think maybe I’m not meant to go yet. But the thought of suffering up until I find that purpose can be extremely daunting.
So I’m back to wishing I was dead. But again, do nothing about it. The way I feel emotions is extremely intense. It is very overwhelming and the mood swings I have can be extreme. I can be having a good day and, before you know it, one tiny thing can have me dreaming of suicide. I’m not sure if my mood will ever be stable enough for this to not be my reality.
In the shower sometimes I close my eyes and daydream of a serial killer intruder being there when I open them. Or of running into oncoming traffic or jumping off the big bridge near my house. The list in endless. In actual fact, I always wish I had access to a gun. Sometimes I think if I lived somewhere more accessible to a gun, would I still be here? That seems like an easier, guaranteed and painless method to die. I convince myself that’s what I need - a gun. But I’ll never be able to get one for as long as I live in the UK. And would I actually be capable of it if it was presented in front of me? Who knows.
Because do I want to die? Or do I just want my suffering to end? Are they the same thing? It can be confusing and conflicting wishing to be dead. In the heat of the suicidal thought I can be convinced that this is it. But it comes to nothing. And then comes the guilt, embarrassment and self hate. “You can’t even kill yourself, you don’t even have the courage for that. Pathetic.” That’s what I say to myself.
In reality, I am not pathetic and I am courageous to carry on living through hardship. The feelings can be strong and they can be difficult but one day I hope I find my purpose.
So.. I'm going out on a limb and saying that a lot of people are in crisis right now. I just tried to text the national suicide prevention hotline and they basically said that they're very busy right now. What is happening in the world right now? There shouldn't be a waiting line for support. I'm not exactly suicidal but I'm really stressed out. I'm overwhelmed. My wife runs a cat rescue in our house. She just had surgery so now it's my job to give them food/water and clean litter boxes. There are around 15 or so kittens in our care. All the shelters are full.
Today I struggle with being awake.
When I say I’m tired, I don’t mean sleepy.
I mean that my body feels heavy, and although I wish I could sleep my eyes won’t actually close.
I am tired of struggling.
“Good morning!” People say, and I respond.
“Mornin’.” Because to me, there is nothing good about being here for another day.
Some would say I’m ungrateful. I have a life that I don’t want to live, when there are others who would kill for my life. Sure.
My throat aches, and I don’t know why. I pop a few Tylenol and hope that it goes away.
Today I struggle with not researching what drugs I have access to that could cause an overdose.
Zoloft, yes but difficult.
It isn’t easy to think this way.. to be so, low.
I feel like a downer and people offer me help, but I cancel the appointments because their voice irritates me.. or, because they said something that makes a little too much sense.
It isn’t easy to see everything as a way out..
I’m feeling very defeated today. Questioning my purpose and reason for living. 😔
This is a long post and will flow into the comments, but to try describe the offer side of suidice is also very important. As much as i suffer from suicidal thoughts and idealisation, i too know that other side of it. Being a first responder, i've seen my fair share of suidices in life. From hangings using all sorts of objects, to gun shot where i needed to get the firearm removed from his hands to secure the bloody scene. As a first responder while hanging onto burglar bars i needed to guide the Fire Department over the radio system on cutting out the door without slicing her lifeless body, all while her family and friends were in the house next door. i've had to assist the understaffed Coroner several times in taking a body out in a bag and loading onto the steel trolley into the van.
i've watched as family members learn the news, seen what the kids and partners have seen, watched as children try understand that mommy or daddy isn't coming back anymore, been with police when delivering the news of the loss of a loved to suicide, been the person myself to deliver the news of a loss. i've seen how it crushes the people left behind. i know the constant worry my best friend had to live with hoping everytime she enters the house, that i've not gone through with my own constant battle. i packed away rooms of family. But these things always happens:
• i do not judge the person who has passed
• i try to use the correct terminology when talking about suicide to family and friends
• i always try to put myself into that person's shoes (there are always 2 sides to a story, just much harder when that person is not able to tell their side)
Suicide has impacted my life from when i was 16 already with my first exposure to it. i've lost friends, classmates, "brothers" and family to this illness. Being so exposed to it harden me up to a degree and this together with my understanding generally helped me assist other people in continuing the good fight. i become the speaker at funerals because no-one would. However when suicide really hit home and the ripple wave effects it had on me, that was the unexpected part i never saw coming. The following is from writings done in early 2018, and i was yet to lose another friend and a family member after these writings, and in their loss with my process i going through the grief cycle; i've learnt so much more about this illness.
i dedicate this next section which will flow into the comments due to character restrictions to my patrol partner, my "brother", this is for you Mike ... What i did to get you home again after you lost your battle. This is what it was like for me on the opposite side of suicide:
You are left with so many unanswered questions, with or without a note -nothing makes sense. You are left in a hurricane of confusion and turmoil ...