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Grief in charge
#triggerwarning 12 days ago my mom found my younger brother who unalived himself. The first call outside of 911 was to me. Since then ive lead the charge so to speak. Notified family, emptied and cleaned his apartment, contacted all the people you do when closing us an estate. I’ve had my mom come for a week and I cared for her in the earlier days. I brushed her hair and made sure she ate something. Daily calls to multiple family members. All while trying to organize my business so I could take a week of bereavement and trying to keep my two teen children organized for major milestones they had in the midst of all that is going on. At first the support from my partner was abundant. He helped with the apartment and cried with my parents. He was gentler with me those first few days. That’s over now. It’s been a very difficult couple of days. Car broken down, oldest started university and I had to help with the big move. It been a series of beyond stressful things compounding. Today was suppose to be better. I was approached for sex and although my headspace was not there I managed to fulfil he needs. A visit from my dad with a plan for the car issue. Then off to breakfast before heading back to see my daughter at uni with a few forgotten items. In the car on the way to breakfast it was quiet, music was low and I was staring out the window and a major wave came over me. My brother is dead. I turned to my partner and said it outloud. Feeling it was a safe space. I was wrong. I was met with “you can’t go dark like that”… when I reacted to his response then his voice got loud and argumentative and excusitory. I became angry. It was the first time in days I had a moment of quiet just sitting and had just experienced a wave that hurt. And this was the reaction. I said “I can’t say anything about a single feeling I have without being yelled at or told not to feel it”. My feelings apparently either don’t matter or affect others in a way that I can’t say them outloud or even have any kind of reaction. My roll is to take charge get things done and then act like nothing has happened. We kept driving and now he was quite and mad. I said where are we going to eat. He said he wasn’t sure he wanted to go anymore. I said I can’t deal with attitude from him today. Then he said that’s it he’s
not going to see my daughter at uni either….Then my BPD hit HARD. I brokedown mentally I screamed louder than I have probably in my life. It came from deep in my body. I was shaking and tears just exploded from my face. I screamed” I’m done I can do any of this anymore”. Now what those words meant to me were that I couldn’t be the one to keep it together and bury my feelings and care for everyone around me when I needed to help myself. He turned the car around drove back towards our house then pulled over and left me in the car at the side of the road and walked home. He got into the pool on a floaty and laid in the sun. I was at the side of the road broken. Couldn’t see. I was hurting and alone. Somehow I managed to get the car back. And then I knew I was going to still need to get my son in an hour and then head to bring things to my daughter and I couldn’t do it with out him driving. So I had to apologize and promise to make the experience normal. I took 2 Ativan and he agreed to go for the sake of my daughter. We stopped at a bar and he drank a beer and then we picked up my son and headed to meet my daughter. We had some time to wait so we stopped again as my son was hungry. I had fallen asleep in the car. They woke me up but I said just go in without me. And fell back asleep. My son said “is she on drugs?” My partner said ya and my son asked muscle relaxers? And I just said yes. When we got to the university my daughter jumped in the car and broke down crying. This is her first time away from school. It’s only been one night and she isn’t very social. The orientation is overwhelming for her. So we did go back to her room to bring the things we planned to bring and then took her for dinner and dropped her back off and came home. It was a quick visit and I taught back tears several times. On the way home I sat in the back and pretended to sleep. Then they put on the song that I had used for my brothers obituary and started to sing. “Such a great song” they said. Pretending to sleep in the back of the car eyes closed tears ran down my face down my neck and chest. I made not a sound. Because I’m not supposed to show my feelings, they affect others. Close to home I asked to stop the mail. And was questioned as to why I hadn’t checked it earlier. I said I don’t have a key. Then was told there were two keys. I said well I don’t have one can we stop? They pulled into the house and said they’d go get it. I emptied the car and with full hands walked to the door with them behind me. I tried but couldn’t get the door open and said I can’t open it. And that was met with “why?” I said my hands are full and began to cry which was met with disgust. So I got in dropped the bags and headed to my bed where I am now. In the dark, headphones in to cancel the sounds. My son and partner are out in the living room eating snacks and watching tv. My son starts school tomorrow himself. And my partner is on a vacation day. My dad is coming back to work on the car and all I can think I’ll be able to do tomorow is hide in a room and sleep. I don’t know how to grieve this one. It’s my only brother. My little brother. My parents are broken and I held it as long as I could. And now my window of being able to grieve without ridicule and to be treated gently is gone. I’m alone and it’s so brutal to think that I shouldn’t be treated this way and also be feeling like I’ve done something wrong.
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